Chapter Eighteen

"Did you see?" I asked Alice once the shaking had stopped, once I had regained control of my senses.

"I did," she replied quietly, stroking my back. "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"Many things, Isabella. I am sorry that you are in so much pain, that my brother is such an ass, that my family is causing you this much distress... I'm just sorry."

"You could've told me," I muttered, shrugging her hands off my back and straightening up. "You should have told me."

"I thought it would be best if he-"

"If he what, Alice? If he embraced me one moment only to push me away the next? If he encouraged me to be honest and then did his level best to terrify me? You are my friend, Alice. At least that's what you tell me."

She couldn't have looked more shocked if I'd punched her in the face. I couldn't help but be amused at the fact that I had managed to surprise a psychic.

"Sit down, Isabella," she said quietly, gesturing to my bed.

I sat on my desk instead, crossing my arms and embracing the anger and annoyance that was crashing over me in waves. Anger I could handle. Anger was easier than loss.

"You know what we are," Alice said simply. It was not a question.

"Yes," I confirmed.

"Does that bother you? What we are?" she clarified.

"Not as much as it should," I admitted, dropping my eyes.

"Are you aware of our diet?"

"I have a hunch," I hedged, biting my lip and remembering, for the millionth time, that damn dream.

"We do not feed on humans."

"That's good," I replied coolly while inside I was sighing in relief.

"We still require blood to survive."

"Charlie requires steak and Pabst Blue Ribbon to survive. What's your point?"

"I do not understand why you are pretending this does not bother you, Bella."

"I didn't say it doesn't bother me. I just don't care right now."

"And why is that?"

"Because it doesn't fucking matter!" I screamed, clapping my hand over my mouth when I remembered the lateness of the hour and the presence of my father in the house. I listened hard for a full moment before continuing in a lower voice. "It doesn't matter."

"I don't understand."

"Yeah? Well, welcome to my world, Alice."

"We are vampires."

"Interesting. I'm a virgo."

"Isabella," Alice finally snapped, "if my presence bothers you so much, I can go."

"Don't let me stop you," I snarked, squaring my shoulders.

She looked at me, long and hard. It took every ounce of self-determination I had to hold her gaze, but it finally became too much and I looked away. She seemed to soften the moment my eyes dropped.

"Isabella," she said quietly, crouching down in front of me, "this isn't you."

"How would you know?" I asked without malice. I was trying hard to maintain my hold on the anger, but it was slipping through my fingers like sand.

"I may not know everything about you, Isabella Swan, but I know your soul."

A breeze kicked up outside my window, rustling the leaves of my tree and making me shiver as an extra gust of cold, damp air washed over me.

"Please talk to me," she implored, her eyes wide, her expression caring.

I couldn't help it. Alice is a difficult person to stay mad at.

"I lost him," I whispered, drawing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around him. "He was everything and I lost him."

"You didn't lose anyone," she assured me.

"I don't want to want him this much. It isn't fair. I don't know what's wrong with me or what's wrong with him or... I shouldn't need another person this much. I feel like my heart is missing, like my lungs are gone. How am I supposed to function? This isn't normal, Alice. I'm not this girl. I left Mark without a second thought, and now I'm... Two weeks, Alice. Two weeks and I feel like I'll die without him. What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing, Isabella. You need to understand that none of this is your fault."

"But it is. They're my thoughts, my feelings. It's my stupid brain that obsesses over him. My words sent him away..."

"He needed to be sent away, honey. He was being unreasonable. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. I know how difficult that must have been."

"But he's never going to come back..."

"He will."

The wind was howling now, pushing its way in through the window and crashing forcefully against my back. It was comforting in a very real way, knowing that the outside world was just as chaotic at that moment as my head.

"I don't want him to. I don't want to want him anymore," I whispered into the dark. Just saying those words made my chest hurt.

"I should have told you myself," Alice said, bowing her head in contrition. "I could have spared you all of this pain. I am truly sorry, Isabella."

All of this pain. A leaf blew in, tangling itself in my hair. The wind was screaming now. I could feel the house shuddering around me at the onslaught.

"I'm tired," I said quietly, rising slowly from my perch on the desk. "I'm going to go to bed now."

"Well, goodnight, then, Isabel-"

"Would you stay?" I asked, cutting her off. "Would you stay with me tonight?"

"I'd be happy to," she replied warmly, walking over to my rocking chair and arranging herself carefully into the seat.

Without a word, I donned a set of warm, flannel pajamas and crawled into my bed, drawing the covers up to my chin before nodding soundlessly to the empty space next to me.

"Was that an invitation?" Alice asked cheekily.

I smiled weakly and nodded in reply.

"Why Isabella," she grinned, "I didn't know I was your type."

Before I could blink, she was in the bed next to me, kicking off her boots and stretching out on top of the covers.

"I truly am sorry," she said quietly, moving a piece of hair from my face.

I shook my head, burrowing deeper under the covers.

"Sleep well, Isabella," Alice whispered, setting her head on the pillow. "I promise you it will get better."

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I dreamed about Edward packing a bag. He was zooming about his room, grabbing his belongings and shoveling them haphazardly into a set of large, expensive-looking suitcases. His books and records went into boxes; his stereo equipment was carefully covered. He was leaving.

"Where are you going?" a female voice asked.

"Away," he replied shortly, zipping up a duffle bag only to have it rip apart in his hands. "Fuck!"

"You never swear," the voice said wryly.

"Whatever," Edward muttered, trying to force the items from the now-ruined bag into an already full rolling bag.

"You're acting like a teenager."

"Fuck off, Rose," he snarled, quaking in anger as another piece of luggage was accidentally sacrificed to his grip.

"I'd love to," Rosalie snapped, striding into the room and settling gracefully on the couch, "but my husband asked me to speak with you."

"Yeah, well, we spoke."

"Jesus, Edward, get a grip. She's just a little girl."

"Do not ever speak of her to me!" Edward roared, turning on his sister. "You have no right!"

"I have no right?" Rosalie seethed. "You're the one destroying your family over a human child!"

"Enough!" said yet another voice, male this time. I watched as the figure of Carlisle stormed into the room. "I will not have this sort of animosity under my roof!"

"Then tell her to leave," Edward spat, jabbing his finger at Rosalie.

"Why should I leave when you're already packed?" she asked, gesturing to the pile of luggage and boxes obscuring the bulk of Edward's floor.

"Rosalie-"

"No! I have watched for years as his selfishness wrecked our family! I've listened to him bitch and moan about his wretched existence for decades, and now he finally has the chance to complete his bond and he leaves? I don't give a shit about what you do, Edward. I could care less if you want to go and destroy your life, but don't you dare drag your misery into mine! This is my family, too, damn it, and I will not let you ruin it!"

"Rosalie! That's enough!" Carlisle admonished, shock marring his otherwise perfect features.

"It is, isn't it?" she asked cryptically before tossing her hair over her shoulder and stomping from the room.

"Edward, son, I-"

"I have to go, Carlisle. Don't you understand? This is why! This," he said gesturing to the door that his sister had just exited through, "this is what my presence causes."

"You have lived with Rose for a long time, Edward. Do not tell me that you have not grown used to her... idiosyncrasies... by now."

"I've dragged you all down for far too long. While I did not enjoy the way she said it, I must acknowledge the truth behind Rosalie's words. You are all better off without me," Edward said somberly, slinging a bag over his shoulder.

"But what of Isabella?" Carlisle asked softly, his eyes wide and questioning. "What will happen to her when you leave?"

"It was she who asked me to go. She will be glad to be rid of me. She will live her life and be... happy."

"I suppose that is why Alice is with her now, holding her in her sleep because she cannot bear to be alone. Yes, this is clearly a mark of happiness."

Edward's entire demeanor changed with his father's words. The bag on his shoulder dropped to the floor with a heavy thud as his shoulders slumped and his spine curved. The mask of indifference he had been so carefully maintaining was gone, replaced by open remorse and pain.

"Alice is holding her in her sleep?" he asked, his voice cracking.

"She called not an hour ago to speak with Jasper. It seems Isabella asked her to stay with her. Alice said she's been tossing and turning all night. She was concerned."

"She told me to leave," Edward choked, his hands going straight for his hair. "Why would she be upset when she told me to leave?"

"Did you behave in any way that would precipitate such a request, Edward? Did you argue or upset her in any way?"

"I... she... Alice told me she knew about us, so I went over to find out... I had... earlier... I was not kind to her this afternoon. I intentionally tried to scare her... she demanded an apology and..."

"Why would you try to scare her, son? I'm confused."

"She doesn't understand... I was trying to make her understand that... she shouldn't want me," he breathed, dropping to his knees with a thud. "She shouldn't want me, Carlisle. And now she doesn't."

"Stay, Edward, if only for one more day. Stay and try to speak to her."

"I can't... I don't know how..."

"You have been alone for so long, son. Relationships take time and patience. They require communication. The bond is already there, you know this. It would be such a waste to run from it now. It would be a tragedy."

"But she is so damned fragile... so human. I hardly know how to treat her, what to say... Carlisle, I'm lost."

"Then speak to her," he advised, placing a comforting hand on Edward's shoulder. "Let her be your beacon in the night, Edward. Let her guide you."

I woke up in a blind panic, wondering if what I had seen was of the future or the present.

"Don't worry, Isabella," Alice soothed from beside me, her fingers, cool and comforting, entwining with mine. "He's not going anywhere."

"How did you-?"

"I saw you wake up," she laughed, tapping her forehead before handing me the journal and pen she'd had ready and waiting in her lap. "Now right it all down and go back to sleep. You've got a few hours still before you have to wake up."

"Thank you, Alice," I murmured after my frantic scribbling was over with. "Thank you for everything."

"You're welcome, sister," she whispered, kissing my forehead. "Sweet dreams."

A/N: It has come to my attention that my fabulous beta, IssaBissa, has an anniversary tomorrow. I hope you will all join me in wishing her a WONDERFUL anniversary, and thanking her for her dedication and support of this story. In spite of our frequent disagreements on the value of the sentence fragment, she catches my typos and generously reads version after version of chapters, most of which never see the light of day. Thank you so much for not dropping me like a bad habit, IssaBissa, and happy anniversary!

BTW... Chapter Nineteen is written and AMAZING!