CHAPTER 10

I'LL CRY INSTEAD

Paul finally made it home sometime around three, but spent what little of the night there was left tossing and turning. Horrible dreams kept him awake . . . dreams of Leah drowning and not being able to reach her . . . dreams of kissing Leah, who turned into Rachel, who turned in Leah. When he awoke in the morning, he felt more exhausted than when he went to bed. He finally sat up and put his head in his hands as he heard, "Good morning, Pauly. You came in late last night. Did you have a good time?" Paul looked up at his grandma as she set a cup of coffee on the table in front of him. "Oh my, have you been drinking? You look awful!"

Paul thought, God, how I wished it was only a hangover. THAT he could deal with. Reaching out for the coffee, he took a sip then said, "No, I haven't been drinking. I just had a really rough night."

Ruth sat down in the chair. "Talk to me, honey. What happened? Is it Leah?"

Leah. Just to hear her name . . . He took another sip of coffee then set the cup back on the table. "Yeah, it's about Leah, and me . . . and Rachel Black."

"Rachel Black? Didn't she leave to go away to college or something?"

"Yeah, she did. But she graduated and she came back for a visit and . . . I . . . imprinted on her last night."

Ruth's eyes grew wide as she asked, "What? Are you sure?"

Paul snorted. "I'm sure."

"Oh, no. Are you alright?"

Paul looked at and shook his head. "No, I'm not. I've never been so confused in all my life. I have all of these emotions rolling around inside and I don't know what to do with any of them. I finally, FINALLY realized how I really feel about Leah, and then . . . BAM! I look at some girl I never met, know nothing about and I'm feeling emotion for her that doesn't make any sense to me at all! How is this fair, Grandma?"

"It's not, honey, but life isn't always fair, I guess. Poor Leah . . . how is she?"

Paul ran his hand across his face before answering, "I don't know. I tried with everything I had last night to fight this thing . . . for her. But it's so fucking hard . . . and then she told me she didn't want me to fight it. She wanted me to give in, and that she would be alright. She's trying to be strong, I guess."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Like I have a choice? I mean, Rachel's probably a great girl - she just graduated college and she's beautiful and . . . everything a guy could probably want . . ."

"If he didn't already love someone else," Ruth finished for him.

Paul looked over at her, his eyes full of all the emotion that was churning inside and nodded. "Yeah."

Seeing how truly hurt he was, Ruth sighed. "Pauly, you got problems, I'll give you that. But, honey, I think Leah's right. You can't fight it. From what I've heard from Emily, imprinting is permanent. And look at how happy Sam and Emily are. And Jared with Kim. This could be a good thing for you. You'll have someone by your side that will always love you and take care of you. I worry about that, you know. When I'm gone, you'll need someone."

That's when Paul smiled. "Like you're going anywhere. You're too ornery to die."

Ruth laughed heartily. "Oh, I hope so. But you know, I'm not getting any younger, and you'll need help raising these boys."

Paul reached out and picked up his coffee again and gulped some down. "Speaking of the boys, are they up yet?"

"No. It's still early."

Paul suddenly stood up and announced he needed a shower then walked to the bathroom and closed the door. As he took a look at himself in the mirror he thought, Grandma was right. I look like hell. His eyes were bloodshot and there were dark circles under them. He looked like he had aged ten years in one night. Shaking his head, he reached over and turned on the shower then took a pee.

Paul climbed into the shower and as the hot water ran over him, Rachel's face kept floating into his mind . . . the way she smiled, her hair blowing in the breeze, her laugh . . . he was so shocked at what was happening to him. Rinsing the shampoo from his hair, he leaned against the back wall of the shower to let out a deep sigh. As much as he hated to admit it, he needed to talk to Sam. He was the only one right now that could understand exactly what he was going through. Although he might punch me again when he finds out how I really feel about Leah.

Paul stepped out of the shower and dried off then wrapped a towel around his hips as he had to sneak into the boy's bedroom to get some clean shorts then back to the bathroom to dress. Once he brushed his teeth, he walked out to the kitchen where he kissed his grandma on the cheek. "I need to go and talk to Sam. He's the one person that knows exactly how I feel."

"Alright. I think that's a good idea. See you later, honey."

Paul opened the door and walked outside then stopped and thought about what he was about to do. As pissed as Sam was at him, he was the only one who would understand. Paul jogged into the woods to strip off his shorts then phase into his wolf body. As he ran through the woods, he really hoped he and Sam could sit down and talk. They used to be good friends . . . and he really needed one right now.

"Paul, dude. God, I've been so worried about you. Are you OK?" He picked up Jared as soon as he phased.

"What do you think?"

"Man, I am so sorry . . . "

"It's not your fault. I'm sorry I yelled at you last night. It could have happened anywhere."

"You saw Leah, didn't you?"

"Yeah. She told me not to fight it." Jared saw it all play out as Paul remembered their talk.

"Damn. You know, I remember when this happened with Sam. But we didn't understand imprinting then because none of us were wolves yet. We just thought he was being a dick, remember?"

"Yeah." Paul did remember. He remembered going to Leah and talking to her by the waterfall right after it happened. He had kissed Leah that day . . . he had forgotten that until just now.

"I remember wanting to beat the shit out of him. But now, well, now that it's happened to me, I get it. Kim is my world now. I couldn't live without her. But then, I didn't have anyone else before her, so I guess that's why I think imprinting is so great. But even for Sam, he gave into it and Emily makes him very happy. Maybe Rachel could do that for you, too."

"Don't even go there. I can't . . . not yet."

"So is that where you're going? To Leah?"

"No. I'm going to talk to Sam."

"Should I come as back up? You're not going to fight him, are you?"

"No, Jared. I need to talk to him. He's the only one that knows EXACTLY what I'm going through right now."

"Oh, yeah."

"I'll talk to you later, OK?"

"Yeah. Good luck."

Paul phased and pulled on his shorts then approached Sam's house. The front door was open, as usual, so he walked up to it and hollered out, "Sam? You here?"

"Yeah. Come in." Sam answered.

Paul walked in and found Sam sitting at the kitchen table drinking some coffee as Emily baked cookies. When he realized it was Paul walking in, he stood up and stared at him. "What do you want?"

"I need to talk to you. But not as Sam, the Alpha. I really need my old friend, Sam."

They stared each other down for a few seconds, and then Emily said, "This is the last tray of cookies. I need to work out in the garden for awhile. That should give you two a chance to talk." She kissed Sam then looked at both of them and warned, "Play nice," before she walked down the hall and out the back door.

Sam nodded toward a chair across the table from him as an invitation to sit down, so Paul sunk down into it as Sam asked, "What's this about?"

Paul stared at his hands then finally said, "I imprinted." Then looking up at Sam he added, "Last night. On Rachel Black."

Sam smiled. "Oh."

"But that's only part of it. I need to talk to you because you are the only person that knows exactly how I feel."

"I'm not the only one who's imprinted. There's Jared and . . . "

"No, I know. I've already talked to Jared. That's not what I mean." Paul hesitated, hoping that Sam would be calm about this. "You are the only one who knows what it's like . . . to be in love with Leah and then imprint on someone else." Paul watched Sam for a reaction, but not getting one, he went on, "You were right last night. Leah and I are more than friends. And it's fucking killing me, Sam. I don't know how to deal with it."

Sam closed his eyes as his hands curled into fists. "Sam, look. I don't need you to be pissed at me right now. I need help, damnit! I can't help it. I didn't mean to fall in love with her. You know I never wanted to fall in love with anyone! We were just hanging out, she was my best friend, and then . . . I realized that suddenly we weren't just friends, that it was turning into something more, and then . . . this shit happens." Paul dropped his head into his hands and let out a long, ragged breath.

That's when Sam realized exactly how Paul felt. He remembered that feeling all too well. "I remember when I first imprinted, I was pissed as hell," Sam said softly. Paul lifted his head and nodded then Sam smiled. "And you have to remember, I was the first one to go through this. I had no fucking idea what was happening to me. I went straight to Billy and asked him and he explained it to me. Then I was really fucking pissed. I actually ran into the woods and took out a couple of trees. Didn't do my hands any good, but, well . . . " Sam shrugged and sipped his coffee before going on, "You know, me and Leah . . . we had been together for a couple of years. I met her when I was 16. She was everything to me. I was devastated not only at losing her, but I knew this would kill her. I tried to fight it, but . . . "

"Yeah, I did, too. I'm still trying."

Looking straight into Paul's eyes, Sam said, "Let me tell you, Paul. I couldn't do it. I failed. But, as you know, once I accepted it, I have never been happier. Emily is perfect . . . she's everything I could ever want or need."

"Yeah? Then why did you punch me in the gut for being with Leah?" Paul asked.

With a small smile, Sam answered, "Well, just because I love Emily with all my heart, doesn't mean I don't still care about Leah. I do, a lot. Probably more than I should. Having her hate me all these months . . . it's like a knife in the gut every time she looks at me with that pain in her eyes. And lately, that pain has been less and less . . . I guess that's because she has been spending time with you." Sam shrugged. "Maybe in some sick way, I was jealous. You think I want to think about someone else kissing her, or touching her?"

"No."

"How is she, by the way? Does she know?"

With a sigh, Paul replied, "Yeah. I told her I didn't want this. I never wanted to imprint - ever. It's like some fucking prison sentence. Leah . . . she's been holding back because she was so afraid this would happen. Every time I tried to talk about what was going on between us, she refused. Then last night . . . she told me not to fight it . . . to just accept it. She promised that she wouldn't let this break her, and . . . that killed me."

"So she's trying to be brave this time instead of falling apart. I can see her doing that."

"God, Sam. What am I going to do?" Paul looked him in the eye, pleading for an answer. The answer he wanted - how to break this imprint. "Is there anyway to break it? Nothing against Rachel, she seems like a great girl, but . . . "

"She's not Leah."

"No, she' not."

Leaning forward, Sam placed both hands around his coffee cup as he replied, "Well, I wish I could give you the answer you want to hear, but I can't. I couldn't do it, Paul, as much as I wanted to. I loved Leah . . . I wanted to marry her. But . . . the pain . . . it was too hard . . . and imprinting is forever as far as I know. Maybe you could talk to Billy," then he paused as he realized what he said and added, "oh, yeah, Rachel is his daughter."

"Yeah."

"Have you talked to Rachel yet?"

Paul shook his head. "But, Kim told me she's only here for a visit. Maybe if I stay away from her and she leaves, will the imprint go away, too?"

Sam took another sip of his coffee and thought for a minute. "I have no idea. I would assume that once she feels the imprint from you, she won't want to leave." Paul's head fell into his hands again. "Paul, look. Imprinting is not a prison sentence. It can be the best thing that ever happened, if you let it."

"But how . . . how did you forget about her?"

Sam looked him in the eye as he admitted slowly, "I didn't. She's still there . . . but I moved on. I had to put her in the past, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do."

"So there's no hope for me, huh?" Paul asked.

Sam smiled, "I never had any hope for you anyway."

With a roll of his eyes, Paul grunted, "Whatever."

Sam chuckled before saying, "Find a way to talk to Billy. I don't know that he'll have any answers either, but it might make you feel better."

With a nod, Paul said, "Thanks, man. For being honest with me."

"Yep."

Paul stood up and pushed his chair then dropped a "See ya," as he turned to make his way out of the house and into the woods where he suddenly stopped and looked up at the sky. Paul wasn't a praying man, in fact, he had spent most of his life being pissed at God. But he was desperate and as most desperate men do, he decided to pray. With his eyes squeezed shut, Paul muttered softly, "God, help me. Help me find a way to be with the woman I love. Help me be with Leah."

The next night, after supper, Paul found himself standing in front of the Black's house, contemplating whether to go in or not. He had decided that he needed to talk to Billy, but he was afraid he wouldn't be alone. Paul was afraid of seeing Rachel and having to talk to her. Just then, Rachel surprised Paul as she came around the corner of the house with a handful of wildflowers. "Paul, right?" Rachel asked with a smile and he silently nodded. "How are you?"

Her smiled melted Paul's heart and he felt the warmth go through his whole body. Fear of running into her almost kept him away, but talking to Billy was just that important to him. Finally realizing Rachel had asked him a question, he replied, "Uh, OK. You?"

"I'm fine. You here to see Dad?" Her voice was like a song . . . it was so musical to his ears.

"Yeah. Is he here?"

"Yes. Come on in." Paul followed Rachel inside, closing the door behind him as she called out, "Dad? Where are you?"

"Living room," Billy called back.

"I need to put these in water," Rachel said to Paul as she turned to go to the kitchen. With a nod, he forced himself to leave her side and walk on to the living room.

"Hey, Paul. How you doing? " Billy asked with a smile.

"Not good. I need to talk to you. Alone," Paul added as he nodded his head toward the kitchen.

"Sure. I'll be back." Billy wheeled himself toward the kitchen. "Honey? Did you happen to get to the drug store yet and get that prescription?"

"No, Dad, not yet."

"Could you go now before they close? And maybe pick up some of those cookies I like?"

Paul heard Rachel's laughter float into the room and it weaved around him and called to him. It took all the strength he had to make himself stay on the couch and not run to her as he heard her say to Billy, "Alright. I know when I'm not wanted."

"It's just tribe business, that's all."

"OK. See you later." Paul heard keys jingle and the door close and then Billy rolled back into the room.

"So? What is this about?"

"I imprinted," Paul stated simply as his eyes darted toward the kitchen.

Billy stared at him for a few seconds then asked, "On my daughter?" Paul nodded. "I see."

"Billy, no offense, your daughter is beautiful, and she seems very nice, but . . . I don't know anything about her! How can I be in love with someone I don't know? And . . . she's not who I want to be with."

Billy stared at him for a moment then finally understood why Paul was so upset. "Oh, so this is about Leah." Paul nodded and Billy went on, "I'd heard that you and Leah were getting close. But, I don't know what you want me to say."

"Tell me there is a way the imprint can be broken. Tell me there's a way I can be with Leah."

Billy drummed his fingers on his chair. "Imprinting is complicated, Paul. Sam already went through this."

"I know. I talked to him. But, isn't she just here for a visit? What if she leaves? Does the imprint go away?"

"I don't know. It's never happened that way that I know of. Usually the girl responds to the imprint and they stay together." Looking at Paul, Billy asked, "That's not the answer you want, is it?"

Paul shook his head. "What if I fight it? What if . . . "

"Look, Paul. Sam tried everything, and he couldn't fight it, and he was with Leah a lot longer than you."

"I know that! But there has to be a way!" Paul stated angrily. He was sick and tired of everyone telling him to just give in and accept. He just didn't work that way.

Billy smiled at him. "What is it about Leah, huh? Poor girl. Twice now."

"Yeah, I know. Why can't we imprint on Leah? What is it about her? I mean, if the whole idea behind imprinting is to make stronger wolves then wouldn't it make sense to mate two wolves?"

"I don't know. Makes sense to me. The problem is we just don't know anything about Leah because there is no recorded history of any female wolves. I don't know why this keeps happening."

Deciding he wasn't going to get any real answers from Billy, Paul stood up to go as he wanted to get out of here before Rachel got back. "Well, thanks anyway, Billy."

"Look, I'll do some research . . . see what I can find out, but I can't promise anything. What are you going to do about my daughter?"

Paul put his hands on his hips as he answered, "Honestly, I don't know. I feel such a pull to be with her, but . . . I keep trying to hold back. All I know is that when I'm with Leah now, I feel physical pain. Is that the imprint? Trying to somehow tell me that Leah is the wrong girl or something?"

Billy nodded. "Yes, I suppose. You're stronger than the others. Sam, Jared, Quil . . . none of them could stay away from their imprints as soon as it happened."

"Maybe there's still hope for me then," Paul smiled. "Maybe I can stay a free man."

"Just don't hurt my daughter," Billy warned him.

"I'll try not to, I promise."

"OK. You take care, Paul."

"You, too." Paul walked out the door and toward the woods. Once there, he phased again and trotted through the forest. The talks with Sam and Billy really hadn't helped him as much as he had hoped. Rachel was still in his head, all the time, and he felt that constant pull to be around her, but he just kept fighting it. It caused a constant ache in his chest, but he ignored it as best he could.

Paul had no idea where he was headed until he looked up and saw that he was just outside Leah's backyard. His heart skipped a beat as he saw her sitting on the back porch step, writing in her notebook. He phased and quickly pulled on his shorts then stepped slowly out of the woods.

Leah felt him before she saw him. Slowly raising her head, she saw him standing there at the edge of the yard, still handsome, but not standing as tall and cocky as usual. This was the first she had seen Paul since . . . that night. As their eyes met and locked, Leah willed her breathing to slow. She had spent the last couple of days trying hard to stay busy and keep her mind off of him, and now, here he was, standing just a few feet from her and her heart was suddenly beating wildly.

Paul walked slowly toward her and stopped just in front of her to say quietly, "Hey, buddy."

Leah gave him a small smile. "Hey, buddy."

Paul moved to the steps and sat down beside Leah. "How ya doin?"

Willing her heart to calm down, Leah closed her notebook then answered, "I'm OK." Paul gave her a look that said he didn't believe her. "Really, Paul. I'm trying."

Paul sighed, "Well, that makes one of us."

"Have you . . . talked to her?"

"Yes."

"And?"

Paul shrugged. "And what? She seems nice. I don't really care."

Leah closed her eyes. "Paul, don't do this."

Instantly he was pissed. "Don't do what? Pretend I don't want to be with you? Pretend that I'm OK with having no fucking control over my own life?"

"You're just putting off the inevitable. Believe me, I know."

Paul turned to her. "Just because Sam was a pussy, doesn't mean I have to be. When she goes away, this will go away."

"You don't know that."

"No, I don't. I'm just praying that for once in my sorry ass life, something actually goes right for a change."

Leah turned and looked him in the eye. "And if it doesn't?"

"I can't think about that right now."

Sighing, Leah allowed her head to fall over onto Paul's shoulder. He turned and closed his eyes as he took in the scent of her hair and whispered into it, "Leah." Suddenly, Rachel's face was there, before him and he began to shake. A stabbing pain radiated through his chest. "Damnit," Leah heard him mutter under his breath.

Leah lifted her head to look at Paul then he leaned over and kissed her lips and said, "I'm so sorry, Leah. I have to go." She nodded as he stood up and moved away. The pain subsided as soon as he was away from her. At the edge of the yard, Paul turned to look back at her. God, she's so beautiful in the moonlight. He knew then that he needed to say it . . . to make sure she really knew how he felt. "I never really said it out loud, but . . . I love you, Leah Clearwater. I just needed you to know that."

Leah held her breath as she tried hard to swallow her tears over the huge lump in her throat. She couldn't speak, she could only nod. Paul held his hand up in a wave then he turned and disappeared into the dark night, leaving her sitting there alone . . . the one thing he promised he'd never do.

Later, Leah lay tossing and turning in her bed. Finally, she disgustedly threw back her sheet and climbed out of bed. A glance at the clock told her it was still only 3 a.m. She couldn't believe how long this night was dragging on. Quietly she crept down the stairs and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water. As she stood at the sink, gazing out the window, she decided maybe it would help to get out and run.

Leah left through the back door and headed into the woods. After stripping off her shorts and tank top and tying them to her ankle, she took off at a run and phased on the fly. It was quiet inside her head tonight with only Jared and Quil out on patrol.

"Leah? What's up?" Jared wanted to know.

"Can't sleep. I thought maybe a run would tire me out."

"Yeah, I get that." Jared hurt for both Paul and Leah, hating what had happened to them. Paul had finally seemed happy for the first time since they were kids. Leah made him happy and now . . . now he was more miserable than he had ever seen him.

Leah ran until for some reason, she found herself in the place where she had last talked to Jacob before he ran. She had heard that Sam, Embry and Quil had all been keeping tabs on Jacob as he wandered around out there, but he wasn't saying much. Still feeling bad about the things she said to Jacob before he left, Lean wondered . . .

"Jacob? You out there?" Leah waited a little bit then said, "Um, I just want to tell you that . . . I'm sorry for the things I said to you right before you left. They were really hurtful and I shouldn't have said them. You know, I'm the one person that probably knows best how you feel and I treated you like shit instead of trying to be understanding."

"Geez, Leah, what's gotten into you? That's TWO apologies you've given me now. I'm starting to worry about you," Jake answered.

"Maybe you should."

"You OK? You're in more pain now than when I left."

"Yeah, and you actually seem better. Maybe I should run away and stay wolf for awhile."

"Well, it's not all its cracked up to be, especially the diet, but I guess I've kind of found some peace, you know? What happened?"

"A bad case of deja vu. Same situation, different guy."

"Someone imprinted? I didn't know you were . . . wait, it's Paul, isn't it? Quil told me he thought Paul had a thing for you." A rush of pain ran through her just hearing his name. "Leah, man, I'm sorry. That's gotta suck."

"You'd think I would have learned, huh?"

"Who's the imprint?"

"You don't know?" Leah didn't realize that no one had told him yet. She quickly tried to hide it then she heard, "Are you fucking kidding me? My sister?"

"Uh, yeah. Didn't you know she was home from college?"

"Yeah, Embry told me, but apparently he left out that little fact."

"Look, Jake, Paul is devastated. You know he never wanted to imprint on anyone. He's trying to fight it. I guess he's hoping that when she leaves again, maybe it will go away."

"I don't think it works like that."

"Yeah, I don't either." But she found herself wishing it would.

"So you and Paul . . . how? Why?"

Leah smiled to herself as she had asked herself that question at least a hundred times. "I know everyone thinks he's such a jerk, but if you only knew more about him, you might understand him. His mother is a first-class bitch, and he's trying to help his grandma raise his two little brothers along with school and work and being a guard dog for the rez . . . he's exhausted. But after I spent some time with him, I found that he's really funny and loyal to his family and friends, and very sexy . . ."

"Yeah, OK, I get it. Now you got me half in love with him."

"I'm sure he'd be happy to hear that."

"But my sister? Why my sister?"

"I don't know. It just happened a couple of days ago, so . . . "

"Leah, I'm sorry. I can feel how much pain you're in. I know it well."

"I know you do, Jake. That's why I feel bad about what I said to you."

"Don't worry about it. It's forgotten."

"Are you coming home soon?"

"Actually, I'm on my way now. I found myself kind of heading that way and just decided it was time."

"It will be good to have you back. Yes, I admitted it. Go ahead, make fun of me."

"Oh I will when I get there. Give you something to look forward to."

"Gee, thanks. And, thanks for the talk, by the way. I owe you one now."

"OK. See you soon."

Leah had been trotting through the woods toward home while they talked, and now she phased back into her human body and pulled on her shorts and tank top. She opened the back door as quietly as she could then crept back up the stairs to her room. As she flopped down onto the bed, she hoped she could finally sleep . . . and put Paul from her mind. And yet, she knew she was hoping for the impossible.