CHAPTER 12

LET IT BE

"Grandma, I know how important it is to you that I finish school, but I'm 18! I don't need any more education than I already have. I need to work the extra hours to help feed all of us. I really should look for a full-time job somewhere."

"Pauly, it is important to finish what you start. You need to graduate from high school. Don't be a quitter. We've done alright up to now, and we'll be just fine."

Paul closed in eyes in frustration. Why didn't she understand? How could he make her understand? Opening his eyes, Paul reached out to take her hand as he tried patiently to explain, "Grandma, you know I love you more than any other person on this earth, and I would do anything for you. But you have to understand where I'm coming from on this. I'm a man now, Grandma. I'm not a little kid anymore. I need to provide for you and the boys. I NEED to do this." The look of disappointment he saw in her eyes cut him like a knife. "Look, I'll get my GED if you want me to. Can we at least compromise on that?"

"Jared is going to finish and graduate. Why can't you?"

"AHHHHH!" Paul put both of his hands in his hair and pulled. "Because I'm not Jared! Jared still has two parents that provide for him. He has a girlfriend in high school. He wants to be there!" Paul shouted.

"Don't raise your voice to me, Paul."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Grandma." Paul took a few calming breaths then said, "I know this is important to you, and I wish I could do this for you, but I can't. And I hope that someday, you will understand. I will take the GED test and get a diploma that way, but I won't go back to school. I need to work, and I need to provide for this family. And that's that."

Standing up, Paul pushed his chair back to the table as he pleaded one more time, "Please, Grandma, just please try to understand." Not waiting for her answer, Paul pushed open the screen door and stepped outside letting it slam behind him as he stalked out to the fire pit to plop down on an old log.

That's where Tyler found him a few minutes later. "Paul? I heard you and Grandma yelling. Are you OK?"

"No. I hate yelling at Grandma. It makes me feel like shit," Paul answered sadly as Tyler sat down beside him.

"You don't want to go back to school?"

"No, I don't. I'm 18 now, and I'm done with that. I've learned everything I need to know. It's not like I'm going to college or anything."

"Why can't you?" Tyler asked innocently.

Paul turned on him to shout, "I have a family to support! I can't just leave you guys and go off to college."

Tyler's face fell as he realized he and his brother were the reason that Paul couldn't go to school. Paul had done so much for them, and what had he done for his brother? "Oh. Well, I could get a job and help Grandma. Then you could go," Tyler suggested hopefully.

Paul sighed as he looked over at his younger brother. Shit. Now I made him feel bad . . . just like Grandma. "No, you can't. You need to go to school. You might have a chance to go to college someday and make something of yourself. I never had that chance. It's not just because of you guys that I can't leave. I'm a wolf, remember? I'm tied here to this reservation for the rest of my fucking life."

"Oh, I never thought of that."

"Yeah. So, there's no use in me getting any more education."

Tyler looked out at the woods for a second then said, "I'm sorry, Paul."

Paul gave his brother a smile. "It's OK, bro. I've know for awhile now that I wasn't going anywhere. I just wish Grandma would understand. I hate hurting her."

They sat there in silence for awhile then Tyler asked, "Do you think I could really go to college someday? Isn't it like really expensive?"

"Yeah, but they have scholarships and stuff that help pay for it. If you buckle down and get good grades, you could get some of those." Tyler nodded as Paul went on to add, "I know you're not stupid, Ty. All you need to do is apply yourself. And don't be embarrassed about being smart. Jared is like that and I hate it. He is really smart, but he pretends he's not. Sometimes he blows a test on purpose so guys won't tease him and stuff. That's bullshit."

Tyler smiled at that. "I've done that, too. I guess it is kind of lame."

"Damn right it is! Look, you should never worry about what someone else thinks of you. I don't. I don't give a shit about what anyone thinks about me. Well, except Grandma, and now, well, I'm pretty sure she's disappointed in me."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," they heard from behind them and Paul turned to see his grandma step up behind him. "I'm sorry, Paul. I heard you in there, and I do understand. And I am disappointed, but not in you." Ruth smiled and touched his shoulder. "No, you're a good man, Paul. I know because I raised you. I'm disappointed that you don't have the opportunities that you deserve, but there's nothing that can be done about that. Just promise me you'll get your GED and I'll be happy. I love you, Pauly. I could never be disappointed in you."

Paul stood up and pulled his grandmother to him for a hug. "Thanks, Grandma. I will. I promise."

Paul let her go and Ruth smiled and patted his cheek. "Good. Then this is done. I'm going to work in the garden for awhile. Can you take the boys into town and get them some school supplies for tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

Ruth left them to walk over to her precious garden then Paul looked over at Tyler and smiled. "Come on, let's go get your brother. If you promise not to fight with him, we'll get ice cream."

They walked into the house and Tyler ran to get Travis jus as Paul heard someone knock on the front door. Opening it, he was surprised to see Rachel standing there holding a pie. "Hi. I come bearing gifts. Can I come in?"

"Uh, sure," Paul said as he stepped out of the way to allow Rachel to come inside. "Why are you bringing me a gift?"

"Payment for your plumbing services," Rachel answered brightly.

"You already paid me with chili and cornbread and blueberry pie, if I remember correctly," Paul told her as he led her to the kitchen.

"Yes, I did. But, I felt kind of bad about . . . afterward, when you left."

"I'm the one that should be bringing you pie. I acted like an animal. I'm really sorry about that."

Rachel smiled at that. "Maybe, but I encouraged it." She set the pie on the table just as Travis came running into the kitchen.

"Are we really going to town to buy school stuff?" he asked Paul excitedly.

Paul reached down and picked him up. "Yes, we are. But you are being rude. I was talking to someone."

Travis looked over at Rachel and she smiled as she asked, "Who's this?"

"This is Travis, my little brother. Trav, this is my friend, Rachel. She is Jacob's sister."

Travis looked at Rachel then turned to Paul and asked, "Where's Leah? I like Leah."

Paul closed his eyes for a moment in pain and embarrassment. Just the sound of her name still stabbed like a knife in his heart. Opening his eyes, he reminded Travis, "Remember, I told you that Leah went away to college to be a nurse."

"Oh yeah. I colored her a picture. Can we send it to her?"

"Yes. Grandma said that she would get her address for you. Now be nice and say hello to Rachel."

Travis turned to Rachel and said quickly, "Hello."

Rachel just smiled as Paul set Travis down and told him to change his shirt because he had syrup from breakfast all over the one he was wearing. Travis ran off and Paul looked at Rachel to apologize. "I'm sorry about that. He and Leah had gotten kind of close and . . . "

"It's OK. I understand. You and Leah were close, too. I can tell it hurt you to hear her name. You miss her, too, don't you?"

Paul just nodded, deciding there was no need to lie about it. "Uh, I was just about to take the boys into town to buy some school supplies."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I really just came to drop off the pie. I'll go," Rachel said as she headed toward the door.

"Well, you could come with us if you want," Paul suggested. Wow . . . where did that come from? he wondered as the words poured out of his mouth.

Rachel gave him a look that said she was wondering the same thing. After a moment, she surprised herself by smiling and saying, "Sure. OK."

His brothers walked out into the kitchen as Tyler announced, "We're ready." Paul introduced Rachel to Tyler and told the boys that Rachel was going to town with them.

"No! This is a brother's trip," Travis insisted. Paul didn't think about that. He forgot how much Travis loved his "brother's trips" where just the three of them went somewhere. Although he realized he never threw a fit when it was Leah that went with them.

Paul squatted down to look Travis in the eye as his little lip quivered. "Look, buddy, I'm sorry. Rachel is my friend and I just thought it would be nice to include her. Can we make an exception just this once?"

"Paul, it's alright. I can go. We'll do this another time," Rachel insisted softly.

"Trav? What do you say?" Paul prompted him.

Travis looked over at Rachel who smiled at him then back at Paul. Paul was his big brother . . . Travis hated to make him upset. Finally Travis nodded. Paul hugged him and whispered, "Thanks, Travis. I promise we'll get ice cream, OK? Our secret." Travis smiled as his head bobbed up and down. He loved secrets!

Paul stood up and said, "OK, let's go. Ty, run out back and let Grandma know we're leaving." Tyler ran around the back of the house as the rest of them moved toward Paul's car. They all climbed in and waited for Tyler to join them and when he did, Paul took off toward town.

They stopped at the drug store for some things first then to the grocery store for some others. Travis was so excited to get to pick out things for school. He had never done that before! "Can I have these Thomas pencils? Please, Paul?" Travis LOVED Thomas the Tank Engine. He had asked Leah to read that book so much she had the first few pages memorized. Smiling at that memory, Paul said, "Sure, buddy."

Travis hugged his leg then ran back to look for crayons. "You are good with them. They really love you," Rachel observed.

"You should have seen us when they first got here. It was pretty ugly for awhile."

"Paul?"

"Yeah, Ty?"

"What's the difference between college-ruled paper and wide-line paper?" Tyler stood there holding two different notebooks.

"College-ruled lines are smaller." Tyler nodded and then went back to pick up a couple more notebooks.

After they had their supplies, they walked to the corner to the Dairy Treat to get ice cream. Travis looked up at Paul with a huge grin. "I kept the secret."

Paul picked him up and said, "Yes, you did. Since you did so good, you get to order first."

Travis ordered a twist cone with both chocolate and vanilla ice cream, and Paul said, "I'll take the same." Tyler ordered a hot fudge sundae then they all looked at Rachel.

"Oh, that's OK. I can get my own."

"I don't think so. I'm buying, and I don't do it often, so you better take advantage while you have the chance," Paul told her.

With a smile, Rachel gave in and ordered a small hot fudge sundae. Paul paid for the ice cream and they all sat down at one of the picnic tables out front to eat. "Trav? Where's your napkin? You're getting it all over you," Paul said as he watched ice cream drip from the cone onto Travis' hands and shirt. "Maybe a cone wasn't the best idea for you."

Rachel reached over and tried to help Travis clean his face. "I can do it!" Travis insisted as he jerked away from her.

"Hey, Rachel was just trying to help. Don't be mean," Paul scolded.

"I'm big now. I don't need help!" Travis shot back.

"Travis," Paul said sternly. "Rachel was just trying to be nice. What do you say?"

"Sorry," Travis mumbled quietly.

"It's OK, Travis. I'm sorry. I should have known you were too big to need help. I'll wait for you to ask for help, OK?"

Travis nodded and licked his ice cream as Paul looked at Rachel and mouthed, "Sorry."

Rachel just smiled and took another bite of her sundae. After they all finished, they loaded into the car for the ride home. As Paul parked the car, Travis jumped out with his bag of supplies. "I'm going to show Grandma!" he called as he ran inside.

The rest of them walked inside and found Travis already sitting on Ruth's lap showing her his 'school stuff.' "And Paul let me get these cool Thomas pencils!" he said excitedly.

"Oh my, those are cool," Ruth replied. "Isn't Paul a nice brother? Did you thank him for taking you and buying you these school supplies?"

Travis jumped off her lap and ran to Paul to hug his legs. "Thank you, Paul. I love you."

Paul squatted down and hugged him. "You're welcome, buddy. Love you, too."

"Thanks, Paul," Tyler said.

"You're welcome, Ty," Paul answered as he straightened to look at his other brother. Tyler then went to his room and Paul knew he was going to pull out one of his new notebooks and start writing. It was funny how he and Leah shared that passion for journaling. Why did Leah keep coming to mind today?

"Rachel Black. It's been a long time since I've seen you," Ruth said as she held out her hand to Rachel.

"Hi, Ruth," Rachel returned warmly as she took Ruth's hand and held it for a moment before sitting down onto the futon.

"Are you glad to be home?"

"Yes, I really am. I should never have waited so long."

"Are you staying or do you have plans to conquer the world now that you're a college graduate?"

That question got Paul's attention as he was very interested in her answer. Rachel smiled as she said, "Well, I'm visiting for now. My degree is in communications, and I'd like to be a TV news reporter or a journalist. Not much call for that here, so I thought I might head to Seattle and see what happens."

So, she wasn't staying, Paul thought. Interesting.

Deciding she wanted to get to know Paul's imprint a little better, Ruth asked, "Would you like to stay for dinner, dear?"

"I would, but I promised Dad I'd make lasagna tonight for dinner and he's really looking forward to it, so, maybe another time?"

"Sure, anytime," Ruth replied with a friendly smile.

Rachel stood to go and Paul offered, "I'll walk you out."

"See you later, Ruth."

"Goodbye, honey."

Paul opened the door for Rachel and then walked beside her to the car. "Thanks for the pie," he said as soon as they arrived.

"Sure. I hope you like it."

They stood there awkwardly for a minute then Rachel surprised Paul by leaning in and kissing him softly on the lips. He stared into her eyes and then leaned forward to kiss her back, doing his best to hold back this time. As Paul stepped back, Rachel smiled and said softly, "See you later."

Paul nodded and watched her get into her car and drive away. She wasn't Leah, but she was starting to grow on him. More than he wanted.

The boys went back to school and Paul went to Pete and asked if there was anyway he could be put on full-time at the store. He explained his situation about not going back to school and how he needed more money to support his family.

"Paul, I completely understand. You're a good guy for standing up and taking care of your family, but I'm giving you as many hours as I can right now." Then, after taking in Paul's disappointed face, Pete added, "I'll tell you what. I think I can afford to give you a little more per hour. Let me take a look at the accounts and I'll tell you tomorrow what I can do, alright?"

Paul grinned as he said, "Thanks, Pete. I appreciate anything you can do."

"Well, you're a good worker, Paul. One of the best I've ever had." Paul shook his hand and then went back to work. The raise would help, but as much as he hated to, he might have to look for something else.

Now that Paul wasn't going to school, Jared offered to take care of getting the boys back and forth, and today, they stopped by the store on their way home to see Paul. Travis ran down the aisle all excited to tell Paul that he made a new friend today named Carly. "And she's a girl, but that's OK cause you're friends with Leah, right?"

Paul smiled at that. "Yeah, buddy. It's OK to have a girl for a friend."

Grandma had gotten Leah's address from Sue so Travis could send his picture to her, and he was so excited when she wrote him a letter back. It was just the kind of thing Paul would expect her to do. Grandma had posted the address on the fridge and Paul stared at it every time he opened the door. He kept thinking about writing her a letter, but he wasn't sure what to say.

Just then, Jared walked up and Paul said to him, "Look at you, Senior. So, you rule the school now, huh?"

"Oh yeah. You should see the little freshman just cower when I walk by. I had fun messing with Collin and Brady today."

Tyler laughed at that then Paul looked at him and asked, "So how was your day? Get in any fights?"

Ty rolled his eyes at that. "No, I learned my lesson, big brother. I had an OK day." He was in 7th grade this year and Paul remembered how much he had hated middle school, although, he got his first kiss in 7th grade. He made a mental note to talk to Tyler about girls sometime soon.

They stuck around for awhile then Jared rounded the boys up and took them home. Paul clocked out at six and got home just as his grandma was putting food on the table. They ate dinner and then Paul sat down to help Travis with his homework. He had to do some reading and a math worksheet. Tyler sat at the table working on his homework and Paul remembered how Leah had offered to help Tyler with his science homework this year. Guess that won't be happening now.

After homework, Travis went to take a bath and Tyler went to watch some TV. Paul looked again at Leah's address on the fridge and found himself reaching for Tyler's notebook. Picking up a pen and turning to a blank page, he wrote:

Dear Leah,

School started here today and I just finished helping Travis with his homework. I'm glad to know that I still remember how to do 2nd grade math.

Paul stopped and read what he just wrote. He rolled his eyes as he decided it sounded kind of lame then wondered if this was such a good idea. But he missed just talking to her, and he didn't think calling her would be a good idea right now, so . . .

How's college life? Been drunk yet? Just remember to drink lots of water and sleep on your stomach.

OK, so I just read what I wrote and decided this is maybe the most lame letter I ever wrote. Of course, it may be the only letter I ever wrote. I don't remember ever writing one before.

It was strange to drop the boys off at school this morning then drive away. Felt like I was playing hooky for a minute. I convinced Grandma that I didn't need to go back and she finally gets it. I really feel the need to work and provide for the family. But I did promise her I would get my GED. I figured that would make you happy, too.

Travis made a new friend today. HER name is Carly. He told me he thought it would be OK to have a girl for a friend because you were my friend. I thought that was kind of cool, don't you? Of course he was just as excited about buying Thomas the Tank Engine pencils.

Let's see, what can I tell you about the pack? Quil took Claire fishing last week, the idiot. They didn't catch a thing because Claire got all wound up in the line, then she cried when Quil went to put the worm on the hook because she didn't want to hurt it! I told him next time to take Travis. He's a pro. Jared and Kim are as sickening as ever, with their lips locked most of the time. Collin and Brady started high school today and Jared said he enjoyed giving them shit. He would.

I'm sad to say that your bone-head brother still isn't talking to me. I guess he blames me for your leaving. But then, so do I.

Thanks for the letter. You weren't a coward for giving it to Jared. I get it. You are proud and strong for doing what you're doing. Just remember that. I'm proud of you for going to college, Leah. I miss you like hell, but this is a good thing for you and for the pack.

You don't have to answer this letter if you don't want to. I'll understand. I just miss my buddy.

Love,

Paul

Paul folded it and then got up to get an envelope. As he shoved the letter into it, he wondered again if he should really send it. Letting out a sigh, he licked the envelope then wrote her name and address on the front then added a stamp before he chickened out. He smiled as he laid it on the table. He would love to see her face when she pulled it out of her mailbox.

Leah walked into her dorm after her last class of the day and got out her key to open her mailbox. Grabbing the mail, she closed the box and ran up the stairs to her dorm room where she unlocked the door, went inside then threw the mail on her desk along with her books. Her roommate, Jamie, was still at class, so Leah flopped down on the bed to write for a little bit in her journal.

Leah had taken to writing a lot lately, mostly about how much she missed home. She was so surprised at herself for being so homesick. All she had wanted for most of the last year was to escape from La Push. Now, here she was, living her dream, and all she could do was think of home. And Paul.

After awhile, Leah laid her book down and got up to look through her mail. Her eyebrows furrowed as she looked at a plain envelope with no return address. Flipping it over, she slit it open, took out the letter and was shocked to see it was from Paul! Sinking down on her bed, she read the letter quickly then read it again slower, to take in every word. A smile played at her lips as she read about Travis and his new friend, and the Thomas pencils. How many times had they read that Thomas book? She remembered how she had decided to buy him at least five new Thomas books for Christmas so they would have more to read. That smile disappeared as she remembered she wouldn't be spending Christmas with him now.

Laying back on the bed, Leah read the last paragraph again. I'm proud of you for going to college, Leah. I miss you like hell, but this is a good thing for you and for the pack. She smiled as she saw that he signed it, Love, Paul.

Leah stared at the ceiling and wished again with all her heart they could be together. She noticed there was no mention of Rachel in this letter. Was he still seeing her? Did she leave? It didn't really matter, Leah decided. What's done was done. She was here now and she was going to complete her degree.

Thinking of that, Leah decided she better get to work on her homework. Carefully folding the letter, she laid it on her bedside table then looked up at the picture Travis had colored for her. Leah took comfort in the thought that at least she wasn't forgotten.