CHAPTER 15
FROM ME TO YOU
Travis was so excited about Halloween and he loved the Thomas costume that Leah sent him. In fact, Ruth had a hard time getting him out of it. Travis was a little worried about Trick or Treating because he had never done it before, so Paul took him outside and had him knock on the door. When Ruth answered the door he whispered to Travis, "OK, now say Trick or Treat."
Travis shouted, "Trick or Treat!" and Ruth laughed at him.
"That was good, honey, but maybe not quite so loud," she told him as she dropped a piece of candy into his bag.
Travis grinned as Paul mussed his hair and told him, "I think you'll do just fine."
When it came time for Tyler to pick a costume, he decided to be . . . a vampire. Paul laughed so hard when Tyler walked out of his bedroom all dressed up as Paul's mortal enemy, it made Tyler ask him, "What? I thought it was pretty cool. Grandma made the cape and I got the teeth and make-up . . . "
"No, man, I'm sorry, really, bro. It is cool," Paul choked out. "It's just a joke someone told me about a vampire. I can't tell you though. It wouldn't be as funny to you."
Tyler rolled his eyes in disgust and grumbled, "Whatever. Can we just go?"
"Sure," Paul said as he put his arm around Ty's shoulders. "Let's go." They loaded into the car and drove first to Sam and Emily's. She went overboard with their treats, of course, not just giving them candy. She had a bag for each of them full of candy and another full of cookies decorated like pumpkins and bats. Emily oohed and aahed over their costumes and even got out her camera to take a picture of them.
"I promise to make two copies for you so you can send one to Leah. It was really sweet of her to send Travis that costume," Emily said to Paul then noticed that the mention of her name still caused him to flinch just a little. Poor Paul, she thought. When is he going to give up and move on?
"Yeah. We can't get him to take it off! He sleeps in it every night. Grandma finally snuck it into the washer while he was at school the other day," Paul told her then he sobered as he added, "He really misses Leah."
"Hmm, I have a feeling he isn't the only one."
Paul gave Emily a small smile as he thanked her for being so good to the boys then he quickly herded them to the car to go to their next stop.
After Emily's, they went to see Rachel. She, too, had a sack of candy for each of them and she fussed over their costumes. When they turned to leave, Rachel kissed Paul and whispered, "I like your costume. What are you? A werewolf?"
Paul laughed at her comment and kissed her back then got into the car with the boys to continue their adventure. From there they went to see Sue and then he parked the car and they walked through town and hit as many houses as they could. Their sacks weighed so much, Paul had to carry Travis' bag because it was too heavy for him.
When they got home, Paul had them dump their bags on the living room floor so he could inspect it all. "Oh my, look at all of that! Now we'll have to save up some money for a trip to the dentist," Ruth exclaimed.
Paul let them eat what they wanted for awhile then he had them gather it up so he could put their bags on top of the fridge. He knew Tyler could reach it and he trusted him, but he didn't trust Travis. Paul did not want to be cleaning up any puke, no matter that Leah had said in her card it was every kid's right. He did not follow that same philosophy.
"Alright, you two, it's still a school night. Go get ready for bed, Travis. Tyler, do you have any homework to finish?" Ruth asked.
"I have to read two chapters in my book for English."
"Alright. Get your book and you can sit in my room if you need some quiet," Ruth offered. "But wash that makeup off your face first, and get that goop out of your hair."
Tyler smiled and nodded then went to the bathroom as Paul popped a bite-sized Reece Cup into his mouth. "Oh man. I forgot how good these things are."
Ruth laughed. "That's quite a haul you boys brought home. Did they have fun?"
Paul grinned as he answered, "I think Travis will live off this night for a long time. Even Tyler had fun. It was a good night."
"Good. I'm glad you took them," Ruth smiled. "I like that the three of you are getting closer. You need each other."
"Yeah, quite a change from when they first got here, huh?"
"Oh, I wanted to kill all three of you!" Ruth admitted with a laugh. "But, now, I think I'd be lost without all of you."
Paul nodded in agreement . . . he knew just what she meant. He had to admit to himself he was starting to feel the same. Just then, Travis walked back into the living room to announce, "I'm ready for bed."
"Give Grandma a kiss and I'll take you to bed tonight," Paul said as he pushed himself off of the futon.
Travis kissed Ruth and then ran in front of Paul to his room to jump up onto the bed and ask, "Paul? Can you read me Thomas tonight? And read it like Leah does with all the voices."
It was like Travis shoved a knife into Paul's heart. He had loved watching Leah read this book to Travis. She gave a different voice to every character and Travis ate it up. Paul sighed as he sat down next to Travis to say, "I can read it, but I can't do the voices like Leah. That's something just for you and her, OK?"
Travis nodded sadly. "When is she coming home?"
"I don't know, buddy. Maybe at Christmas, but I don't know that for sure."
"I'm kind of sleepy. Maybe we can read it tomorrow night," Travis mumbled as he laid down.
"OK." Paul stood up and covered Travis with the blanket before kissing him on the forehead. "Good night, buddy."
Paul turned the light off and before he could leave the room, Travis said, "Thank you for taking me Trick of Treating. It was the best night I ever had."
Paul smiled as he admitted, "I had fun, too." Closing the door part way, Paul walked back to the living room realizing that kid had really wormed his way into his heart.
Dear Leah,
You are officially the coolest person in the universe. The costume was a big success and Travis only takes it off to go to school. He wears it ALL the time - even to sleep in! As you can see by the picture I sent with this letter, it fits just right. Don't you love Tyler's costume? I lost it when he walked out in that thing. I think I hurt his feelings but I couldn't believe out of all the costumes he could have picked, he would choose to be a fucking bloodsucker! I, of course, went as the hottest looking werewolf in the world as you can clearly see in the picture. We hauled in enough candy to last I think until next Halloween. It was an awesome night.
We had a birthday party for Travis last night. He asked for the same kind of cake I had for my birthday, so of course, that is what he got. I think he's starting to get a little spoiled, but that's OK. He has 7 years to make up for. He loved the dream catcher and we hung it up right away over his bed. Grandma gave him the blanket she had been knitting for him because he has been getting cold at night. He loved it because she made it blue, like Thomas. (How long is this obsession going to last?) Tyler even gave him a gift - Collin had a bunch of Legos that he decided he was done with (yeah, right), so he packaged them up for Tyler to give to Travis. He LOVED them. But if I step on another one of those damn things in my bare feet in the middle of the night again, out they go! Those things hurt like hell!
He also loved that you sent him a card with Thomas on it for his birthday. Thanks so much for remembering him. He asked me the other night to read that Thomas book to him and do the voices like you do, but I couldn't do it. I remember how I loved watching you as you read him that book. He misses that alot. I guess I do, too.
We had our fist snow this morning. Just flakes. How about you? Oh no. I mentioned the weather. Sorry. Lamo letter writing is returning. I'll try harder.
OK, I better go. Still miss you like hell. Guess I always will.
Love,
Paul
Leah held out the picture of Paul and the boys that Emily took on Halloween. They all had the same grin on their faces . . . you could really tell they were brothers. Paul was kneeling beside Travis in his Thomas costume, and Tyler was doing his best Dracula impression, showing his fake fangs. She laughed at that and had to admit, Paul was right. It was pretty funny.
Leah ran her finger lightly over Paul's face as her chest grew tight at the sight of his smiling face. It was the first time she had seen his face in over three months and she still missed him so much. Quickly wiping away the tear that rolled down her face, she propped the picture up against her lamp on the nightstand by her bed then she unfolded the other sheet of paper that was in the envelope with Paul's letter. It was written in pencil in large letters:
DEAR LEAH,
THANK YOU FOR THE COSTUME. I LOVE IT! AND THE CARD. I AM 7 NOW.
I MISS YOU. LOVE TRAVIS
Leah smiled at the way he made his S's backwards and remembered that she used to do that, too, when she was little. As she lay back and closed her eyes, she willed her heart to stop aching. Be strong, Leah. You have to stay strong. But it was getting harder and harder to do.
Dear Paul,
I will start right off by answering the question you most want answered - yes, we have snow here. Thank you so much for your burning inquiry. LAME!
Big news! I found a job here working in the campus cafeteria! Yes, go ahead and make your jokes - I am now a cafeteria lady. And yes, I wear a hairnet. But I think I make the look work on me. At least my girlfriend thinks so (wink, wink). Anyway, between working and homework, I don't have a lot of free time right now, and that's OK with me.
Thank you so much for the picture. I love it! Although, I think you and Tyler should have traded costumes. Would have been interesting to see you dressed like a bloodsucker. (Hot werewolf? Really? That's what you were going for? Hmmm, I thought you were with hot bag boy from the grocery store.)
I let my roommate talk me into going to a party on Halloween. It was fun for like the first hour. I had a couple of beers, talked to a few people from my anatomy class, but after I had my ass grabbed at least 6 times by slobbering drunks, I decided it was time to call it a night. Either that or phase right there and give them a real scare. Hmmm, maybe next Halloween.
I got the new picture Travis colored for me. It's hanging on my wall next to the other one. I am dedicating that wall to his art, so tell him to keep sending them. Makes me feel good to know that he hasn't forgotten me.
Well, I need to get to work. (I sound like you!) Write soon. I really look forward to your letters. If this is the only way we can be together then let's make the best of it, OK?
Love,
Leah
Dear Leah,
I can't tell you how many cafeteria lady fantasies you are fulfilling for me . . . it must be the hairnet. What a turn-on!
So now you are an official college student - you have been to a college party. I am a little disappointed that you didn't get drunk, dance naked on a table or get arrested. Oh well, maybe next time.
Travis is hard at work on a series of artwork for you. I will say that the picture he drew of me and him fishing is my personal favorite. Although, his stick figure didn't really capture my hot muscular body . . . you'll just have to use your imagination to fill in the rest.
Ty came home from school yesterday with a black eye, but he wouldn't talk about it at all. He just locked himself in his room until I threatened to kick the fucking door in. Finally he opened it and told me what happened. He said that some kid in his class wanted to cheat off of him during a test and Ty told him no. He covered his paper with his arm so the kid couldn't see and after school, the kid jumped him and popped him one in the eye. I guess Ty got him back and luckily, Jared broke it up before the principal did. Apparently Collin and Brady got there just as Jared picked the other kid up off the ground and told him if he ever so much as looked at Tyler cross-eyed, he'd have to deal with him. That's when Collin and Brady stepped up and each of them said, "Yeah, and me." The kid took off running when Jared put him down and he brought Ty home. It embarrassed Ty pretty bad. He told them he could take care of himself and he didn't need them fighting his fights for him. I told him he should be glad he has friends who care enough about him to be there for him. But I get it. I would have rather beat the shit out of that kid myself that have Jared come to my rescue.
Thanksgiving we went to Sam and Emily's. Em, Kim and your mom made enough food for an army! Even a pack of werewolves could barely eat it all! Travis ate too much pumpkin pie and threw up on the way home. At least he told me in time and I stopped the car and Tyler shoved his head out the door. I thanked Ty for saving me from cleaning up puke. I HATE cleaning up puke.
I don't know if your mom told you or not, but I guess Sam and Emily are finally getting married. You OK with that? I mean, it's not like you didn't see it coming, right? But I know it has to hurt a little. At least, I hope it only hurts a little. Personally, I don't get what you ever saw in the guy. He's not nearly as good-looking as me.
Do you think you'll be home for Christmas? Travis asked me the other day when he could see you again and I just wondered. If you don't want to see me, I get that, but I know that the boys would really like to see you. For the record, I would, too.
I look forward to your letters, too. It helps to know that even though you are so far away, you still think about me. Because I think about you, too. A lot.
Love,
Paul
Paul reread the letter and felt a pang of guilt. He was supposed to be trying to forget how he felt about Leah, and here he was writing her letters like a love-sick jerk. He had been trying with Rachel, he really had. But something always held him back. As he looked down again at the letter, he knew this was what was holding him back. He still had this connection to Leah and as long as he did, he knew he could never fully commit to Rachel.
Paul had continued to see Rachel as often as he could, and they actually had fallen into a friendship of sorts. Rachel kept pushing for them to be more sexually active, and for the first time in Paul's life, he was dragging his feet. It's not that he wasn't attracted to Rachel, because he was. She was hot, there was no denying that. He had given in a few times after that first night and they had sex, but it was hard for Paul to concentrate and not see Leah.
Remembering how Sam told him he never forgot about Leah, but he moved on and put her in the past, Paul knew that's what he should do, too, but he just didn't know how. Shoving the letter into the envelope, Paul licked it shut and added the stamp. Leah was right. If this was the only way they had to be together, he would make the best of it.
Jared, on the other hand, had a problem with it. They were on patrol one night when, as usual, Paul was moping about Leah.
"For God's sake, Paul, would you knock it off? You're making me all mopey over Leah and I can't take it!"
"Sorry, bro. I can't fucking help it. I wish I could. You think I like feeling miserable all the time? You think I like having a beautiful girl throwing herself at me every day and I can't get it up for her? Do you have ANY fucking idea how THAT feels?"
"Whoa, happy to say I don't. I have no problem in that department."
"Yeah, I know. You need to tone it down just a touch, dude. It's getting harder for me to look Kim in the face, you know?"
"Yeah, sorry. But, look dude, enough is enough. You can't have Leah, OK? You have to get that through your thick skull. She's gone, and you have Rachel. Come on, man. Rachel is gorgeous and smart and cool. Why can't you see that?"
"I DO see that. Believe me, she's in my fucking head all the time. But so is Leah. I am in a constant battle between them. I know I'm hurting Rachel. I try really hard when I'm with her to think just about her, and sometimes it works. But more and more, Leah creeps in and I just can't take it, so I've been avoiding Rachel, which just pisses her off."
Jared trotted on and tried to think about something else. ANYTHING else. Paul was killing all of them with his miserable attitude and fucked up thoughts. "Hey, remember when we were kids and we decided to explore that cave down by the beach? You thought Yogi Bear lived there."
"No, YOU thought Yogi Bear lived there. I thought it was Smokey the Bear."
"Oh yeah, right. Well, we found out no bears lived there, but it sure scared the shit out of us when all those bats came flying at us!"
"I couldn't sleep for a week!"
"Me either."
They spent the rest of their patrol trying hard to relive memories from their childhood to keep Paul's mind off of his troubles. Finally they reported back to Sam and phased out to go home.
"Thanks, J. I know what you're trying to do, and . . . I appreciate it."
Jared smiled. "It's OK. I know you'd do the same for me. See ya."
"Yep, see ya."
Jared's trip down memory lane helped for that moment, but the next day, Paul lost it on Travis and he felt like complete shit.
Travis had left his Legos out on the living room floor while he went to eat lunch, and Paul, who had slept late, got up and stepped on them with his bare feet. "Travis, god damnit! Get your ass in here and clean up these fucking Legos! NOW!" he roared.
Travis came running in and hit the floor, trying hard to scoop them up as fast as he could. "I have told you over and over not to leave these fucking things all over the floor! Why don't you just listen to me?"
Ruth had come in behind him. "Paul, that's enough!" she scolded. "Don't use that language with him."
Travis was crying as he picked up the Legos and shoved them into the box as fast as he could go. As Paul looked down at him, he felt horrible. How many times had this poor kid been screamed at like that by their mother? That really put things in perspective for Paul. Squatting down beside his little brother, he said gently, "Travis, I'm sorry, buddy. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."
Travis looked up at him and ran the back of his hand under his nose. "I'm sorry, Paul. I won't leave them on the floor anymore. Don't be mad at me, OK?"
"Come here," Paul sighed as he sunk to his knees. Travis moved to Paul and as he wrapped his arms around the little boy, he said, "I'm sorry I yelled at you like that. You can play with them any time you want. Just pick them up when you're done, OK?"
Travis's head bobbed up and down. "I will. I promise."
"OK. I'm not mad at you. Forgive me?" Paul asked and immediately Travis nodded. "Good. I love you, buddy."
"I love you, too," Travis said softly, then he turned and picked up the box of Legos and took them back to his room.
Paul put his head down and rubbed his eyes.
"Well, what was that all about?" Ruth asked.
Looking up at her, Paul admitted, "I had another dream about Leah . . . it was pretty intense, then I woke up and . . . I'm sorry, Grandma. I didn't mean to go off on him like that. I'm just so . . . "
"Miserable, I know. And you're making everyone around you miserable, Pauly. That boy adores you. He doesn't deserve that. You need to get a grip on your emotions and stop taking it out on those that love you."
"I know. I promise, I'll try harder."
And he did try . . . but it just didn't matter. No matter what he did, he made himself miserable, he made Rachel miserable, and now it was affecting his family. Something was going to have to give. He just didn't know what that would be.
Christmas was coming fast and Paul was worried about providing some gifts for the boys. Travis had written a letter to Santa all about wanting a Thomas train track and train for Christmas. He swore he had been a really good boy this year and he hoped that Santa wouldn't forget his present like last year.
Paul sat down with Tyler and asked him about that. "Yeah, Mom was in a bad way last year and she didn't get us any presents. I found a little tree at this lot and asked the guy if I helped him clean up the lot, could I have the tree. He agreed and I brought it home and we put it in a little sand bucket that Travis had and then we made some ornaments for it out of construction paper and stuff. It didn't look too bad, really. Travis wrote a letter for Santa asking for some truck he wanted. I had gone to Goodwill the day before and found that puppy that he sleeps with for fifty cents and the Thomas book for another 50 cents. I wrapped them and put them under the tree for him, but I didn't know about the truck until he put the letter out with a cookie on a plate for Santa. In the morning, he opened his gifts and loved them, but then he asked Mom why he didn't get the truck. Of course, she was hungover so she mumbled something about how Santa must have forgot it at the 'North fucking Pole.' Then she took more aspirin and went back to bed."
Paul shook his head and again had to fight the urge to kill Doreen. "What about you? Didn't you buy yourself something?"
"No," Tyler replied with a shake of his head. "I only had a dollar to spare. It was a tough week. During the holidays, she always spent whatever she could get her hands on on booze. I hid what I could for food. I just told Travis that I was on the naughty list and maybe I'd be good next year so I could get a present."
"Well, Ty, I think you've been good this year, so, we'll see what we can do. I may need your help with some ideas though."
Tyler shook his head. "No, I know how tight money is around here. Don't worry about it. Just get Travis something."
Paul was amazed that Tyler truly meant that. He was determined that he would do eveything he could do make sure he found something for this kid. If anyone deserved it, it was Tyler.
Rachel insisted on helping Paul shop for the boys, so they drove to a Wal-Mart in Forks and found the Thomas train that Travis wanted. It was a lot more than Paul wanted to spend, but he kept thinking how much Travis would love it. This kid had never had a decent Christmas in his life and Paul was determined this would be a good one. Finally, he gave in and bought it. He could travel wolf to and from work for awhile and do without gas in the car. It would be worth it to see Travis' face on Christmas morning.
For Tyler, he bought two bound journals for him to write in instead of just spiral bound notebooks, and he added two really nice pens. He was still writing every day, and he hoped he would really like them.
On a whim, Paul added another journal and decided he would give it to Leah. He knew she wouldn't want him to buy her a gift, but he couldn't help it. It just seemed right. He had also made her a dream catcher. He even had Billy carve him a small wolf charm and he hung it right in the middle. She was still his buddy, after all, and he decided if he wanted to give her a gift, damnit, he would give her a gift and she would just have to shut up and accept it.
Paul knew his grandma would get a few clothing items for each of them and that was OK by him, because he always needed clothes. For her, he bought a Paula Deen cookbook. Ruth loved watching her on TV, so he hoped she would like the cookbook.
Paul wrapped the gifts at Rachel's (except for Leah's) and hid them in the trunk of his car. He wrapped Leah's journal and dream catcher and hid it under the futon until he found out if she was coming home for Christmas. If not, he would mail them.
Then there was Rachel. He had no idea what to get her. Even after all this time, they still didn't know each other that well, and he wasn't really sure where their relationship was headed. He shared that with Jared on a rare day when he was without Kim. It was Paul's Saturday off and they were hanging out at Jared's, watching college football and eating most everything in the kitchen.
"Man, you guys are so weird. By this time, Kim and I were attached at the hip and having sex anytime we were alone! I couldn't be away from her for like two minutes without dying. How do you do it?"
"I have no idea. Even the sex is kind of weird. I mean, I'm a guy, so I want to have sex, but once we get started, I kind of have to force myself to keep going. That is so not me, dude. I never had that problem with . . . "
"Leah, yeah I know. That's your problem right there. You won't let go of her."
"I've tried!" Paul shouted. "Damnit! I try and try, but I just can't. I get so damn sick and tired of everyone telling me how I should feel and what I should do. It's so fucking unfair that I know who I want to be with and who I want to love, but I'm being forced to be with someone else!" Without realizing it, Paul kicked the footstool that sat in front of the chair near the couch and sent it sailing across the room into the bookcase, knocking a plant off of the top. "Shit," Paul muttered as he got up to clean up the plant.
"I know that you feel forced, Paul," Jared said. "We all know that and I agree with you. It is unfair. But you have to let her go or you'll spend the rest of your life in this fucking limbo, never being satisfied." Jared pushed himself off the couch then said to Paul, "Here, give me that." Jared took the plant and set it back on top of the bookshelf. "I'll sweep that up later."
Paul nodded and they walked back to the couch and plopped down as Paul sighed and grabbed the bag of Doritos. "I know what I have to do, but I fucking hate it. I know what I want and what I want, I can't have. It just doesn't make sense. I can tell with Rachel, too. She says she wants to do this, and she wants sex, that's for sure. But, I feel like she's only trying half-way, you know? She's not fully committed either."
"Because you're not. If you jumped into this and truly accepted the imprint, she would feel that and react to it. But you're only in half-way, so she is too."
"So, back to Christmas. What do I get her?"
"I don't know. Girls are so fucking hard to buy for."
Paul smiled as he remembered how easy it had been to pick up the journal for Leah. He didn't even have to think about it. "What did you get Kim?"
"An engagement ring," Jared said with a grin.
"No fucking way!"
Jared nodded, "Yep, the real thing."
"No shit? A real ring? Are you nuts? You're still in high school, dipshit. How are you going to get married?"
"Well, I'm not planning on getting married right now. Once we graduate, Dad says I can work with him, so, maybe next year at this time or something." Jared's dad was a contractor and Paul and Jared used to help him in the summers before they turned wolf and before Paul found his job at the store.
That gave Paul an idea. "Does he need help now? I need more money. I mean, Pete's given me as many hours as he can and a raise and it's still not enough to feed us and pay all the bills. I'm worried about paying the heat bill this winter."
Jared shrugged. "You can ask him, I guess. He could probably get you something part-time at least."
Paul thought that over and decided he would talk to Chuck as soon as he could. He was family after all, and he hoped that he would be willing to help family. He looked over at Jared who was emptying the crumbs at the bottom of the bag of Doritos directly into his mouth and said, "You still didn't help me solve the problem of a gift for Rachel."
Jared threw the bag onto the coffee table and asked, "What does she like to do?"
"I don't know. She's a good cook, and she told me once she likes to bake pie because it makes her think of her mom."
"Well, there you go. Get a fancy pie plate or a pie cookbook or something and make sure you tell you bought it because she told you it reminded her of her mom. Girls eat that stuff up."
Paul grinned. "How did you learn so much about girls? You've only had one girlfriend."
"I got around before Kim."
"Yeah, right. Playing Spin the Bottle at a party in 9th grade does not count." They shared a laugh over that memory then Paul stood up and announced he had to go. "Thanks, bro, for the suggestion. What time does your dad usually get home?"
"Around six."
Paul nodded, "I'll give him a call."
"See you, P."
"Yep. Bye." Paul walked out into the cold afternoon. There was a touch of snow in the air and he felt a little lighter in his step as he made his way home. He really hoped Chuck would have some hours for him. That would make his New Year much brighter.
Paul scooped up the letter as soon as he walked into the house then sat right down at the kitchen table and ripped it open. He was praying for good news.
Dear Paul,
I feel so bad for Tyler getting a black eye! I'm glad that the guys were there to back him up, too. I know you men like to fight your own battles, but sometimes it's good to have backup. At least that's what I was told when I ran off on my own once. (Ouch!) Anyway, tell Tyler that I'm proud of him for not letting this fucking jerk cheat off of him. I hate cheaters!
Yes, Mom told me about the big wedding, and I have been ordered to attend. I guess it's not until May, and I have two weeks off then. Can I hate Emily any more for planning her wedding during the only two weeks I get off until the beginning of August? Anyway, to answer your question, yes it hurt at first, but, I am SO over Sam. WAY over him. All that shit is in the past and that's where it will stay. And you're right - you are better looking, but don't let it go to your head. Oh no, too late.
On Thanksgiving here, I did something I have never done before. I went downtown with a friend of mine from anatomy class and we served at a soup kitchen. It was very humbling. It made me miss my family (and yes, I mean ALL of my family, pack and all) very much, but it also made me feel good to help others less fortunate than me. After I got home and was thinking about that, it reminded me of something a good friend once told me: that I should think of what I have and not what I don't. I thought about our nice house and my room and my bed, and my great mom who loves me more than anything, and Seth, and all of my pack brothers. I found myself being very thankful for all those things. And for the best friend that reminded me of those things. For him, I'm very thankful.
And now for that real burning question you are dying to get an answer to: No, I won't be home for Christmas. I hate that, I really do, but I just can't afford it right now and with my job, I only have one week off. I start a J-term class right after New Year's for 3 weeks then spring session starts. Mom said that she and Seth would drive out and spend Christmas here with me, but I hate for her to do that. She doesn't really have the money either, but you know Sue Clearwater. Once she makes up her mind, you just get out of the way.
I do have gifts for the boys, and I will send them soon. And as for seeing you sometime when I do come home, I know it's not a good idea, but, when has anything we have ever done been a good idea? If I come home, yes, I would like to see you. We're still buddies, right? At least, I hope so.
Love,
Leah
Damnit! Paul's fist hit the kitchen table. Why did she pick a school so damn far away? Dropping the letter on the table, Paul rested his head in his hands.
"Bad news, honey?" Ruth asked as she walked into the kitchen.
"Leah says she won't be home for Christmas," Paul said as he looked up at Ruth. He then explained what Leah had said in her letter.
"Oh, that's too bad. It would be awful to be so far away on Christmas with no family around you."
"Her mom told her she and Seth would drive out and spend the holiday with her because she can't get home."
"Well, that's good." Ruth put her hand on his shoulder and then looked down at him with that knowing look only a grandma can give. "You're never going to give up on her, are you?"
Shaking his head, Paul said softly, "Sometimes I wish I could. I know it would be better for all of us. Rachel is trying, and I try, but . . . " Paul sighed, "Leah is always there."
Ruth dropped a kiss on his head as she left him to open the fridge and take out the hamburger for dinner. "I'm sorry, Paul. I really am. I hate to see you so miserable. I love Leah, too, honey, and she fit right into this family. I really thought she was the one. But unfortunately, I guess your wolf had other plans. Until you figure this out, the three of you will always just be drifting."
"You think I don't know that?" Paul exploded as jumped from the chair and moved to the back door and to look out the window. "I am so damn sick and tired of thinking about this and trying to understand it! I want Leah. I want her now and I'll want her forever." He turned back toward Ruth to whine like a six-year-old, "I hate this, Grandma. Why is this happening?"
Her heart breaking for her grandson, Ruth walked over to put her arms around him and hold him close. "I don't know, Pauly. I hate it, too. I wish you and Leah could be together. You've fought it for this long, so who knows? Maybe there will be chance for you someday. Just hang in there and don't give up. I know that everyone else is telling you to give in to the imprint and just be happy with Rachel . . ." Ruth pulled back to look Paul in the eye as she continued, "And, Rachel is a fine woman, and I would be very happy for you to settle down with her if you loved her. But, Pauly," she touched her hand to her cheek, "she isn't Leah. There's a saying that goes, 'The heart wants what the heart wants.' And if Leah is who your heart wants then wait for her."
Paul gave her a smile and told her, "No matter how bad I feel, you always have a way of making me feel better. How do you do that?"
"It's a grandmother's secret." Paul laughed at that and kissed her on the cheek. She was the one thing in his life he could always count on. Always.
Paul made that call to Chuck, Jared's dad, and asked him if he had work for him.
"Jared told me you were interested and explained your problem. Right now, we're a little slow, but starting January 15th, I've got a contract to work on the old bank building in Forks. They want to convert it into office space. I know I'll need some help then. Are you up for it?"
"Yes! Definitely, yes."
"Good. I'll call you when it gets closer with the details. I'm still working on the contract, so I'm not sure what I can offer you salary wise. I should know after the first of the year."
"That's fine. Thanks alot. I really appreciate you giving me a chance."
"I remember you're a good worker, Paul. I'll be glad to have you."
Paul thanked him again and hung up. This is good. This is really good.
Walking into the living room, Paul was feeling a little lighter until he found his Grandma asleep in her chair. She had been doing that quite a bit recently, and it worried him a little. He knew she was getting older, but he didn't want to admit it to himself. Glancing at the clock, he noted it was only a little after seven. Travis was playing quietly on the floor with his Legos and Tyler was in his room, probably writing.
Paul touched his grandma on the arm. "Grandma? You OK?"
Ruth jumped at his touch and looked at him. "Hmm? Yes, I'm fine. Just a little tired, I guess." She smiled at him as she picked up her knitting and tried to figure out where she left off.
"I talked to Jared's dad, Chuck, about taking me on. He told me he has a big job coming up in January and that he would be glad to hire me then. Isn't that great? We'll need the money for the heat bill."
"Paul that's great. But, what about your job at the store?"
"I'll work both, if I can. We need the money, Grandma."
Laying her knitting into her lap, Ruth looked at him to say, "Pauly, you work too hard. I worry about you."
Paul smiled at that. "Don't worry about me, Grandma. Someone once told me 'a little hard work never hurt you.' "
She chuckled, "What ninny told you something like that?"
"I think it was you, Grandma Ninny," Paul returned with a laugh.
"Grandma Ninny. That's funny!" Travis giggled as he snapped his Legos in place.
"Oh, you think that's funny, do you?" Paul asked with a grin as he crawled on the floor toward Travis. Once he reached him, Paul grabbed Travis and began tickling him and thoroughly enjoyed the sound of Travis' laughter. Before long, Tyler came out of his room to see what was going on and Ruth laughed as Tyler dove in and joined in the fun.
As Ruth watched all three of her grandsons rolling in laughter on the floor, she felt a happiness sweep over her that she hadn't felt in a long, long time. They may not have much money, but they had love, and that was something these three boys needed more than anything. She hoped that from now on, these brothers would be family and stick together, no matter what. They would need each other after she was gone and it did her heart good to know they would be alright.
Leah pulled the card from the mailbox and wondered why Paul was sending her a card. She opened it on the way to her dorm room and as soon as she saw it, she broke out laughing. It was a picture of a goofy looking cat hanging from a tree branch that said, "Hang in There!" She opened it and read:
Dear Leah,
Seth told Jared and Jared told me (what is this 6th grade?) that you were studying hard for your first finals. I was walking through the drug store and saw this ridiculous card and had to buy it for you. I just wanted to say again that I'm really proud of you. As hard as it is to be so far away from you, I think you're doing a good thing.
Love,
Paul
She smiled as she reached her dorm room and unlocked the door. Big, mean, bad boy, Paul sent her a card to tell her he was proud of her. She liked it. She liked it a lot.
Dear Paul,
I loved the card! You're such a dork. I have it sitting on my desk where I do most of my studying. I have my last final tomorrow, THANK GOD! It's a math final, so I'm not too worried about it, but anatomy and physiology is so fucking hard! (My roommate is appalled by my foul mouth by the way. I guess she's never hung out with a pack of werewolves. Her loss.) Anyway, did you know that there are 206 bones in the human body and that each one has a different name? Not to mention where it's located, what it's function is, the muscles attached to it and the nerves and on and on and on. AHHHHHHHH! Sometimes I think my brain will explode from all the information I am trying to cram into it. I knew college would be challenging, but sometimes it scares me at how much harder it is going to get. This is only my first semester!
My roommate (Jamie, her name is Jamie. I guess I could call her that instead of "my roommate!") OK, so Jamie got a small fake Christmas tree to put in our room. It has lights and decorations on it and makes the room look more festive. But for some reason, it just depresses me . . . I feel like Charlie Brown. I am trying to be brave about not coming home for Christmas, but I have to admit it's really hard. I'm glad Mom and Seth are coming here. I would be a mess if I had to be here alone. (Yes, I admitted I'm weak. It's the holidays, so suck it!)
I loved the Christmas card that Travis made me. It took me awhile to realize it was a reindeer! (Please don't tell him that.) He seems very excited about Santa coming this year. He is so cute and I miss him a lot.
This will be a really different Christmas for you with your brothers here this year. I'm happy that you all have each other. I'll be thinking about you and wishing I was there.
Love,
Leah