CHAPTER 21
FIXING A HOLE
Paul walked Leah to the door in the morning and held her close one last time, not caring how badly it would hurt then took her face in his hands and whispered, "I love you, Leah." He then kissed her on the lips for as long as he could stand it and wiped her tears away with his thumbs as she smiled.
"I love you, too, Paul." They had decided on no goodbyes. This was hard enough . . . saying good bye was just too much. Leah leaned forward and kissed him softly then opened the door and ran to her mother's car.
Paul turned away and shuffled back to bed and lay down with his head on her pillow, inhaling her scent and trying hard to keep it with him. As he lay there, he thought about the women in his life. When he was very little, he had loved his mother, but her love for drugs was stronger than her love for him, and he lost her forever. Then his grandma spent the last 13 years of his life teaching him what it was to truly love someone, and then she died. Now, the one woman that he could spend the rest of his life loving just walked out the door.
What was the point of loving someone? Apparently it only caused pain and heartache. He knew he could never love anyone the way he loved Leah, so that was it. He was done. From now on, it would be work and taking care of the boys, and patrolling for leeches. His life was simpler when that's all he had. He hoped with all his heart it could be again.
Leah unlocked the door to her dorm room and noticed it was empty, as usual. She wondered why Jamie didn't just move her stuff to her boyfriend's apartment. She was never here anyway. Right now, Leah was glad for that.
Dropping her bag inside the door, Leah fell onto her bed to finally let out all of the emotion she had been holding all day as she traveled. As the sobs wracked her body, she decided this was the last time she would cry over Paul. Once again, the imprint was telling her the man she loved wasn't hers to love. She had to do everything possible to put him in the past. She couldn't let this break her. Even though she was pretty sure it already had.
When the alarm went off the next morning, Paul got out of bed, woke Tyler and then made his way to the kitchen to start the coffee. He set bowls, spoons, cereal and milk on the table then pulled food out of the fridge to get started on making lunches for all of them. Tyler walked out into the kitchen, sat down and poured his cereal and soon after Travis shuffled into the kitchen. Once the lunches were all made, Paul sat down to sip his coffee. They all sat there in complete silence. Even Travis could find nothing to say.
Finally Ty and Travis finished their breakfast and brushed their teeth and were waiting patiently when Jared honked the horn. They ran out the door, and Paul thought how they were probably in a hurry to get away from him.
Paul quickly put their dishes in the sink and then went to shower and get ready for work. He was starting his new construction job today. Chuck had told him not to worry about when he got there as he knew now Paul would have to get the boys ready for school before he could leave for work. Paul dressed, grabbed his lunch from the fridge and put on his steel-toed boots. Then he grabbed his keys and walked out the door to begin living his new life without love.
A week went by since Leah left. Paul had gotten up each day, gone through the motions, then stayed up as late as he could before finally succumbing to exhaustion. He had taken one of his lunch breaks to meet Sue at the court house to start the paperwork to put the house in his name and then they stopped by the Health Department to pick up a copy of his grandma's death certificate to send to the insurance company. He thanked Sue for her help then escaped before he could ask her anything about Leah. He knew he was still weak and anything she would tell him would just hurt like hell, so what was the point?
Emily had shown up early this morning to pick up the boys to spend the day with her. Jared was coming over to help Paul patch up the hole in the wall where the phone had been and then put in a new phone jack so he could hook up the new cordless phone he had bought. Paul heard the door open as he opened his tool box and he hollered out, "Bout fucking time you got here. You remember the donuts?"
But it wasn't Jared he saw when he turned around. "Hey, Paul," Rachel said softly.
Shit. He had done his best to avoid Rachel and now here she was. It was wrong, he knew, but just getting through each day missing both his grandma and Leah was so hard. It hurt just to breathe sometimes . . . he just hadn't wanted to add to it. But it couldn't be avoided any longer. "Hey, Rachel."
"I haven't heard from you all week. How's the new job going?"
"Good. You want some coffee?" Paul offered as he poured himself a cup.
"Sure." Pouring another cup, Paul set it on the table then Rachel sat down and pulled the cup toward her and took a sip. Paul pulled out a chair to sit across from her and did the same. Rachel finally ended the awkward silence by saying, "Paul? We need to talk about us. What the hell is going on with you? Will you please just be honest with me?"
Paul sighed and looked at her to say, "I am so sorry, Rachel. The last few months have been a nightmare for you and it's all my fault. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, but, I can't do this anymore. I know now that I will never stop loving Leah. I've tried, I really have . . . but I just can't do it. I know that I can't be with her because of the imprint and because I love Leah, I can't be with you. It's time to just stop this whole fucking thing."
Rachel sat there as Paul talked and felt her heart sink. It really didn't surprise her though. She had a feeling that after spending that time with Leah, he wouldn't give up on her. Looking at him, she said sadly, "I guess I'm not surprised, really. I could see it . . . how much you love her. That's what drove me to act so . . . horribly. It hurt like hell."
With a sigh, Rachel stood up and took her cup to the sink, pouring the coffee down the drain before she turned and leaned back against the counter. "You know, the sad part is, I feel we really could have had something great if only you would have given into it." She was trying to hold back her tears because she didn't want to let him see how hurt she really was. "I do feel something for you I've never felt for anyone. I even thought of marriage and children . . . which is something I never thought I really wanted that badly. Are you really sure you want to just throw this away, Paul?"
Paul closed his eyes and thought about it for just a second then he looked up at her and nodded. "I'm sorry, Rachel. This is just the way it has to be."
Quickly wiping away the tears that had escaped, Rachel said, "OK. I guess I had to try. But I'm done, Paul. I won't embarrass myself again by coming here and begging. I'm leaving for Seattle soon. It's time to start the life I planned before this whole disaster sidelined me. I need to get the hell out of this town."
Rachel turned and started for the door when Paul stood and caught her arm. "Hey, Rachel, don't do that. This is your home, your family lives here and I know how much they have missed you. Don't run away again and make them suffer because I'm such an ass. Stay in touch with them, OK? If there is anything I have learned in the last year, it's how important family really is."
Rachel gave him a sad smile. "Yeah, I know. I guess that is the one good thing that's come out of all of this. Connecting with Dad and Jake again. I will . . . stay in touch with them. I promise."
"Good."
Turning again, this time Paul let Rachel go and followed her to the door. "Good luck, Rach. I'll watch for you to show up on my TV," he told her with a small smile.
Returning his smile, Rachel murmured, "I hope so."
Before Rachel could open the door, Paul surprised her by pulling her close and saying, "I am sorry, Rach. I hope you find a guy out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. You are an amazing woman." Then he kissed her softly on the cheek. "Good bye, Rachel."
"Good bye, Paul." With a sad smile, Rachel opened the door and walked to her car. Paul stood there and watched her go and felt relieved and yet . . . completely empty.
Just then Jared drove up and jumped out of his car to walk up to the door carrying a box of donuts. Paul stepped back to let Jared walk in as he asked, "Was that Rachel that just drove away?"
Paul nodded, "Yeah. She's leaving for Seattle."
Surprise showed on Jared's face as he spouted, "What? Really?"
"Yeah. This shit is finally over." Paul took the donuts from Jared and walked to the kitchen to set the box on the table and open it to take out a donut.
"What do mean it's over? This is an imprint, Paul. You can't just walk away from it."
"But it wasn't working, and it's not fair to Rachel to keep her here and have her give up her dream. She told me she was going, and I wished her luck. Leah is at college living her dream, and so it's done. I have two jobs to work, two brothers to raise, and a fucking reservation to protect. I think that's more than enough to keep me busy, don't you?"
"Yeah, I guess." Jared picked up a donut and took a bite as Paul handed him a glass of milk because Jared hated coffee.
"Come on, let's get to work on this hole. I have to work at the store today from 1 to 5, patrol from 6 to 9 then pick the boys up from Emily's."
"Man, it sucks to be you," Jared muttered as he shoved the rest of his donut into his mouth.
"Yeah, tell me about it."
Tyler's birthday was a couple of days away and Paul was wondering what to get him as he drove home from work. The kid worked hard, studied hard and got good grades . . . he deserved a really cool birthday present. But what?
Paul parked the car in front of the house and walked inside to call out, "Ty, Trav! I'm home!" as he threw his hat and keys on the table then sat down to take his boots off. Noticing the mail on the table, Paul set his boots aside then picked it up to shuffle through and stop at an envelope from the insurance company. Opening it, he was shocked to pull out a check made out to Paul A. Jacobs in the amount of $30,000! Paul just sat there and stared at it in disbelief . . . he had never seen that many zeros on a check in his whole life!
"Hey, Paul. Is macaroni and cheese and hot dogs OK for dinner?" Tyler asked as he walked into the kitchen.
Paul quickly shoved the check back into the envelope and answered, "Sure, Ty. That's fine."
After the boys went to bed that night, Paul sat at the kitchen table with a pad of paper and wrote $30,000 at the top then made a list of where he thought the money should be spent. First he owed the funeral home $3,500 for their services when his grandma died. Next he wrote, '$5,000 each in an account for Travis and Tyler.' He wanted them to have something from Grandma to help when it was time for college. He knew she would want that. Next, he decided he needed to look for a truck. His car was dying, and it was all he could do to keep it running. Driving back and forth to Forks everyday hadn't helped. He would save out $5,000 for a used truck and the rest would go into the bank to save for anything else that might come up.
Paul then sat back and looked at the list. He was glad the house was in good shape and didn't need any work right now. Now that all the priorities were covered, Paul decided he would save a little out to buy something cool for Tyler's birthday. That kid had gone way too long without, sacrificing over and over for his demon mother and for his little brother. It was time he got something he deserved.
"Paul, we have to make Tyler a cake for his birthday, but I don't know how Grandma did it." Travis came to him the day before Tyler's birthday all upset. "What are we going to do?"
Tyler was at Collin's house, and Paul was actually enjoying a whole afternoon off for once. Travis climbed onto the futon beside him as Paul told him, "I'm sure Grandma has a recipe somewhere. We'll just have to look for it. Or, maybe Emily could help?"
"Yeah! Emily is a good cake baker!"
"Why don't you give her a call?" Paul suggested.
Travis nodded and ran to the kitchen to call Emily as Paul laid his head back and closed his eyes. He was exhausted. It was tougher than he thought to work two jobs, run patrols, make sure they had groceries and clean clothes, do the housework, and keep an eye on the boys. He never got enough sleep. Emily had been great help watching the boys when he had to work weekends, and Kim insisted on coming over once every couple of weeks to do a thorough cleaning of the house. He knew he would be completely lost without them. Suddenly he remembered Leah saying, "You're only a man, after all." Turns out, she was right. One man couldn't do it all.
"She said she would help!" Travis called out. "She wants to know if we want her to come here or go to her house?"
Paul was just too tired to drive Travis over there, so he asked, "Is she still on the phone?" Travis nodded. "OK, I'll come and talk to her." Hauling himself off of the couch, Paul walked to the kitchen to pick up the phone. "Hey, Em. Can you come here? I'm beat."
"Sure, Paul. Do you need any ingredients? We'll need flour, sugar, cocoa . . . "
"Whoa, slow down. Let me open the cupboards. OK, start over." Em called out ingredients and Paul checked to see if they had it. He had everything except cocoa and eggs, but Emily had those, so she said she would be over in about 20 minutes. Paul thanked her profusely then hung up. "She'll be here in just a few minutes, OK?" he told Travis who nodded excitedly.
Paul smiled at him. This kid loved to be in the kitchen! Maybe he'd grow up to be a chef or something.
True to her word, 20 minutes later, Emily walked in, took over the kitchen and she and Travis baked the cake, frosted it and then cleaned up. When she was done, she sent Travis into his room to change his shirt then made her way to the living room to see what Paul was up to. She found him sprawled on the futon, with the TV remote in his hand, mindlessly flicking through the channels. Sinking down into the chair next to Paul, Emily stated, "You look tired. I don't know how you do it."
With a smile, Paul answered, "What choice do I have?"
"You need to quit the grocery store, Paul. You don't make much there and Travis misses spending time with you."
"I know, I've been thinking about it. I know something has to give," Paul admitted. Pete had been really good to him over the years, but his job with Chuck paid more, and he was working enough hours to pay their bills. And now that he had the insurance money in the bank, he figured he could have the weekends to spend with the boys. That was more important.
"Have you heard from Leah?"
Paul's head snapped up. "Why would you ask me that?"
"You two were very close when she was here, and since Rachel has moved to Seattle, I guess I just thought . . . "
"No, I haven't heard from her. I don't expect to."
Curiously, Emily asked, "What happened?"
"Look, Em, no offense, but I really don't want to talk about her, OK? It still hurts like hell."
"I'm sorry, Paul. I didn't mean to pry."
Paul sighed and tried to smile. "I know you didn't. Maybe someday, I'll be ready to talk, but . . . not yet."
"Well, the cake is done, and I need to head home. Let me know if you need help with anything else."
"I will. Thanks alot, Em. For everything."
Standing, Emily called out, "Bye, Travis!"
Instantly, Travis ran out of his room to hug Emily. "Thank you, Emily."
"You're welcome, honey," she returned warmly then she left and Travis ran back to his room to play with his Legos and Paul laid back and decided to take a much-need nap.
Paul surprised the boys by ordering pizza for Tyler's birthday dinner. They ate every bit then Paul lit 12 candles on Tyler's birthday cake. Paul and Travis sang a very off-key version of "Happy Birthday," and then Tyler blew out his candles. As usual, Tyler praised Travis for helping to make the cake and ate three pieces to prove how much he liked it.
"OK, time for presents!" Travis sang out as he handed Tyler his present. "I made the paper," he added excitedly.
"Yeah? Good job, Trav," Tyler said as he unwrapped the gift. "Hey, it's about time I got one of these!" Tyler said as he pulled the dream catcher from the paper. "I'm the only one that doesn't have one. Thank you, Travis. I really like it."
Tyler gave Travis a one-arm hug as a thank you. "You're welcome." Travis beamed from Tyler's excitement over his gift.
"Well, I wasn't sure what to get you, Ty, so I picked this up. I hope you like it," Paul told him as he pulled a big box out from behind his chair and set it in front of Tyler.
Tyler's eyes grew wide as he saw the box. "Wow. This is huge!" he exclaimed as he pulled all the wrapping paper off then sat down hard on his chair in shock.
"Oh my gosh! Tyler! It's a PlayStation!" Travis yelled out as if Tyler couldn't see that.
Tyler just sat there staring at the box. "Ty? Hey? Don't you like it?" Paul asked.
"Is this really a PlayStation?" Tyler asked.
Paul laughed. "Yeah, it is. And there are a couple of games there, too."
"This is too much," Tyler said slowly. "I never had anything like . . . "
Paul cut him off with, "Yeah, you're right. You never had anything. Period. I thought it was about time you got something really cool. You've always gone without, Tyler, and you never deserved that. I want you to have this. It will be something fun we can all do together."
A slow smile spread across Tyler's face as he stood up and walked over to Paul. Tyler wasn't really a touchy feely kind of guy, but he wrapped his arms around Paul and hugged him tight. "Thank you so much, Paul! This is awesome!"
"You're welcome, bro. Happy Birthday."
"Let's hook it up!" Travis shouted excitedly.
"Alright! That's what I'm talking about!" Paul shouted as he stood up and Tyler carried the box into the living room.
"Wait!" Travis called. "You have another present!" Travis came running into the living room with a package that had come in the mail.
"What's that Travis?" Paul asked.
"I don't know. It's for Tyler. The mailman brought it."
Leah. He knew she wouldn't let Tyler's birthday go by without sending a gift. Tyler ripped it open and pulled out the card. On the inside of the card she wrote:
Dear Ty,
I remembered the talk we had one night while you were doing homework, and when I saw this, I knew I had to buy it for you. I hope you have a great birthday! Enjoy your gift.
Love,
Leah
Tyler tore the paper away to find a book on astronomy. "Wow, this is awesome."
"I didn't know you liked stars and stuff," Paul said as he saw what Leah had sent him.
"Yeah, I told Leah that one night," Tyler shrugged. "It's cool she remembered."
Paul smiled. Yeah, she would remember something like that. "Remember to write her and thank her, OK?" Paul reminded him.
Tyler nodded as he flipped through the book.
"Hey! Are we gonna hook this up or what?" Travis asked.
Paul and Tyler both laughed and then Paul answered, "Yes, we are." As soon as it was set up, they all played with it for the rest of the night. Since it was a Saturday, Paul even let Travis stay up until after ten. After Paul finally got him to bed, he and Ty stayed up longer and played each other. Finally around one in the morning, Tyler told him he was tired and was going to head to bed.
"Thank you for the game. But . . . aren't these really expensive?"
"Don't worry about it. Grandma left us some money, Ty. I know she would want you to have something cool for your birthday. You went too many birthdays without anything. Think of this as a present to make up for all those you didn't get."
Tyler smiled then said, "I remember when I first got here, I thought you were such a dick. But you're not. You are a really good brother."
Paul laughed at that. "Gee, thanks." After their laughter died out, Paul said seriously, "You know, Tyler, when Grandma died, Leah and I looked through her papers and we found your birth certificate. Did you know that we're not half-brothers?"
Tyler's confusion showed on his face. "We're not?"
"No. We are true brothers. We have the same mom AND the same dad. Of course, he's not much of a dad . . . he's in jail right now like he has been for most of my life, but, I guess I just wanted you to know that."
Tyler smiled. "I guess that's kind of cool."
Paul elbowed him. "Yeah, it is."
"Wait . . . does that mean that someday . . . I might do that . . . that I might be a wolf, too?"
Paul sighed at his question. He should have known Tyler was smart enough to make that connection. "Yeah, you might. But just because you have the gene doesn't mean you'll phase. I don't want you to worry about it, OK? But if you do feel weird someday and get a really high fever, you come and find me, and I'll help you through it."
Tyler just nodded then asked, "What about Trav?"
"There was no father listed on his birth certificate."
"Figures," Tyler snorted. Then he let out a big yawn. "Well, thanks again. I'm going to bed."
"You're welcome, bro. Good night."
Paul sat there for a few minutes then he picked up the card that Leah sent to open it and read it. Just seeing her handwriting made his heart ache.
Paul turned off the TV and PlayStation and then reached under the futon and pulled out the box that held his letters from Leah. He opened it and took out each letter one at a time and read them. A smiled played at his lips as he read her words and could hear just how she would sound if she were telling him in person. After the last letter, he pulled out the picture of her that she had given him for Christmas. He had to put it away because it caused him too much pain to look at it every day. A sigh escaped as he gazed at her beautiful smile. He still missed her so much . . . he knew no matter how hard he tried, there would always be a hole inside of him that could never be fixed.
Paul placed the letters and the picture neatly into the box and slid it back into its hiding place to be taken out another time. He settled back against the pillows and prayed that somehow he could fall into a dreamless sleep.
"It has been over 2 months. I guess it's time, you know?" Paul said to Emily. She had come over this Saturday to help Paul clean out his grandmother's bedroom. Tyler, of course, was with Collin and Brady, and Sam had taken Travis fishing.
As Paul and Emily stood in front of his grandma's room, he realized the door had not been opened since Leah went in there to find the box with Ruth's papers in it. He just couldn't bring himself to go in there. But now, it was time. "I can't thank you enough for coming over and helping with this."
Emily smiled. "It's OK, Paul. I know this is hard. We'll go in and start with her clothes, alright? And if gets to be too much for you, you take a break whenever you need to."
Paul nodded, took a deep breath then turned the doorknob. The door swung open and his grandma's scent wafted softly over him. He closed his eyes and inhaled and for just a moment . . . it was like she was still here with them.
"Paul? Are you alright?" Emily asked softly.
And then it was gone. Opening his eyes, he nodded, "Yeah. Let's do this." They walked inside and as Paul looked around, he realized that he never really came in here much at all even when she was alive. This was his grandma's sanctuary - her own space.
Emily opened the closet door and said, "I'll pull these things off of the hangers and fold them and put them on the bed. Then we can put them into the boxes."
Again Paul nodded. Not knowing where to start, he wondered over to her dresser and looked at the things there then picked up the picture of his grandparents on their wedding day. He smiled and marveled at how young and pretty his grandma looked. This, he decided should be out in the living room where they could all see it. After examining all of the other things there, he turned and picked up a box and started sorting out those things he wanted to give away.
He and Emily worked all afternoon until everything was cleared out and packed up. As Paul carried the boxes outside and loaded them into the bed of his new truck, Emily gave the room a good cleaning. By the time they were done, the walls were bare, and all that was left was the bed, an old wooden rocking chair and a dresser with empty drawers. He had saved some of her things: her Bible, a few pieces of jewelry and some pictures and old mementos they found, but everything else was gone. Paul looked around at the emptiness and felt tears sting his eyes. Closing his eyes, he whispered, "Good bye, Grandma."
Another week went by before Paul decided to move into his grandma's room. He knew it was what she would have wanted for him. She hated that he had to move to the couch when the boys moved in. So, he bought a new mattress for the bed because the one she had was very old and very lumpy, and he moved his stuff into the room. Paul tried very hard to push away the feeling that first night he was sleeping in his grandma's room. This was his room now, his own place. He made himself comfortable and then remembered the last time he slept in a real bed was with Leah, in her bed, the night he went to her after he had seen Doreen. He looked over at the empty side of the bed and tried to picture her there, with her eyes closed and her hair spread out over the pillow. His hand rested on the other pillow as he sighed and let his loneliness surround him like a blanket.
Then he shook it off, moved to the middle of the bed and closed his eyes to sleep.
Leah opened the mail box and smiled as she pulled out all of the birthday cards. Today she was 21, a full-fledged adult. Jamie was already 21 and she offered to take Leah out drinking tonight to celebrate, but Leah wasn't feeling it. She scooped up the cards and went up to her dorm room to flop down on her bed and start opening the envelopes. She opened the one from her mom first and blinked back the tears. Sue always bought some sappy, sentimental card and then wrote a little memory on the inside of Leah when she was little. She signed it, "I love you, baby girl, with all my heart and I am so proud of you. Mom." And she had enclosed a check for $40. Leah smiled and wiped the tears then set it aside.
She had one from her brother that was silly, and one from Jared and Kim that included a "Get Out of Jail Free" card from a Monopoly game in case she went out drinking for her birthday and got arrested. "Ha, Ha, Jared. You're such a dork," she mumbled with a smile.
She was surprised to find one from Sam and Emily. Emily had written, "I remember how we always planned to go out and celebrate our 21st birthdays together at some club where we were going to meet a couple of hot guys that drove a hot car and we would dance all night. Of course, we were like 12 when we made those plans, but, I guess I wanted you to know I remembered. I hope your day is everything we dreamed." She even added, "I miss you, Leah."
Then she saw where Sam and scratched, "Happy Birthday, Leah. Love, Sam." She held that card and marveled at how she had treated these two people and yet, they still could reach out to her like this. "Well, I feel like an ass," she muttered. They had hurt her deeply and she had a right to be hurt. But it was time to put it behind her . . . for good.
Leah sighed and threw it down onto the bed to pick up the card from Tyler. She smiled at the front - it was a picture of the Vincent Van Gogh painting, "Starry, Starry Night." She opened it and Tyler had written:
Happy Birthday, Leah!
I hope you have a really nice birthday.
I wanted you to know that Paul started paying me an allowance because I do so much around the house now, and I am saving up for a telescope. Hope your classes are going good. See you in May!
Love, Tyler
They had talked one night while she was helping him with homework and he shared that he always thought he wanted to work with animals, but lately, he had become really interested in space and the stars. He had borrowed a couple of books from the school library on astronomy and was learning the different constellations. She smiled as she set the card down and was glad that she had given him something he really liked.
The next one was from Travis. These were always her favorite because he made them himself. He was quite the artist! On the front was a drawing of her reading a book to him. She opened the card and smiled as she noticed his writing was getting better. He wrote in his favorite green crayon:
Happy Birthday Leah! I miss you a lot. Love, Travis.
Leah sniffed her tears back. She loved these boys so much and missed them terribly.
Leah picked up the last card and her heart skipped a beat as she recognized Paul's handwriting! She hadn't heard from him at all since she left. She opened the envelope, took out the card and then laughed as she read it. It was a cartoon of two squirrels sitting by a campfire, roasting marshmallows and the caption read, "I thought you told me we were going to TOAST my birthday!" She opened it and smiled as she saw his handwriting. It had been too long.
Happy 21st Birthday, Leah! This is a big day for you. I hope you have a good one. Just remember to drink lots of water and sleep on your stomach. (Did I mention that once before?)
This card made me remember by birthday. I wish I could give you the same present.
Love, Paul
Tears sprang to her eyes as she remembered that birthday they spent alone on the cliff top. She laid back and held the card to her chest. Her heart ached for Paul, all the time. She felt like she had this big, gaping hole in her chest that no one could fill but him. As much as she tried, she couldn't put him in the past. She knew now, she never would.
Leah sighed and put the cards aside and opened the small pink box she had brought home with her. Inside was a large red velvet cupcake from the bakery a few streets over from the campus. Taking it from the box, she sang, "Happy Birthday to me . . . " then she imagined a candle on top and blew softly as she stuck her tongue out and licked off some of the frosting and thought how this was the most depressing birthday she had ever had.