CHAPTER 23

YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY

The day following the wedding, Leah called to ask if she could take Travis and Tyler out for the day. Tyler walked into the living room carrying the portable phone and asked Paul if he minded. Feeling just a little deflated that she had just asked for the boys, Paul just nodded then Tyler said into the phone, "Yeah, sure. OK, see you soon."

Tyler hung up then looked at Paul. "Why aren't you two . . . I mean, Rachel's gone and now you can be . . ."

"It's more complicated than that, Ty. She has school and . . . I don't know. I don't want to talk about it, OK?"

Tyler nodded sadly as he laid the phone down then went to tell Travis. Paul watched out the window until he saw Sue's car pull into the drive, then Leah climbed out wearing jeans and a baggy orange t-shirt that looked like it might be Seth's. He smiled as she walked up to the house, her hair blowing in the breeze. His heart skipped a beat just at the sight of her.

Paul pushed himself off the futon to answer her knock on the door. "Hey, come on in," he said with a forced smile as he opened the door for her then stepped back and caught her scent as she walked by.

Leah stood there awkwardly by the door for a moment then said, "Um, thanks for the birthday card. It was really sweet of you."

Paul gave a genuine smile at that. "Yeah, that's what all the guys call me. Sweet Paul."

Leah laughed and it was like music to Paul's ears. "Yeah, that's what they call you."

Another awkward silence.

"I didn't get a chance to tell you," Paul started, "But . . . I finally got my GED."

Leah's face lit up. "You did? Paul that's awesome! I'm so proud of you!" Before she thought about it, Leah launched herself at him and Paul caught her in a hug. "I know Ruth is proud, too," she said into his shoulder.

Then Leah realized what she was doing and pulled away, looking up at him shyly to say, "I know you did it for her, but, I hope you're just a little bit proud of yourself."

"Yeah, I am," Paul admitted with a smile. He was actually more excited about her reaction. That's what made it worthwhile for him . . . to see her so proud of him.

"So are you all ready to go?" Leah asked. She could tell by the look on Paul's face he was confused by her question. "We're going to Port Angeles? To play mini-golf?"

"Tyler said you asked if he and Travis could spend the day with you," Paul explained.

"Well, yeah, but I decided you needed to come, too. I hear you don't get out much. Besides, I decided it might be fun to whip your ass in mini-golf. Winner buys the ice cream," she added enticingly with a grin.

A slow smile spread across Paul's face. He wasn't sure exactly what this meant, but he wasn't going to let the opportunity pass him by. "I'll take that challenge, Clearwater."

"You better bring a lot of money with you," Leah said as Paul sat down to pull on his shoes. "If you do manage to win, you know I can eat A LOT of ice cream." Then she realized she shouldn't have said that as she could see exactly what was going through Paul's mind. That memory of them sitting naked on the futon eating chocolate ice cream flashed through her mind, too. She had been fighting with herself all the way over here about asking him to come with them. The pull to be with him was just too strong and she found once she was here, facing him, she couldn't deny it.

Thankfully, Travis ran out into the living room. "Hi, Leah! Are we really going to play mini-golf?"

"Yep. Have you ever played before?" Travis shook his head. "Well, it's not too hard. I think we'll have fun."

As they walked out of the house, Tyler turned to Paul. "Are you coming, too?"

"I have been challenged, Ty. Leah thinks she can whip my ass! Can you believe that?"

Tyler smiled at Paul then looked at Leah. "Yeah, I can believe that."

Paul shoved him affectionately and said, "Get in the car."

As Leah drove to Port Angeles, Travis chattered on about everything he had been doing in the last 4 months since he had seen her. Tyler would jump in every now and then with something and Leah would comment on each thing they told her. Paul just sat there quietly soaking up being this close to her again.

Paul insisted on helping her pay, so they split it 2 and 2, then they all got their clubs and started their game. Leah worked with Travis, trying to help him learn that he didn't need to smack the ball so hard that it went flying off the course. He finally started to get the hang of in by the sixth or seventh hole and they settled in to play in earnest.

It all came down to the last hole. Leah and Paul were tied, with Tyler 2 strokes behind them.

"This last hole looks tricky," Leah said as she surveyed it. "I hate these big hills."

Tyler took his shot and surprisingly got a 2.

"Not bad, Ty," Leah commented as she wrote down his score. Travis took 6 hits just to get it to stay on top of the hill then he took 3 more to get it into the hole. But he had fun doing it, and he didn't care about his score, so that was all that mattered.

It was now Leah's turn and she finally settled beside her ball and took her shot. The ball sailed up the hill and just as it was almost at the top, it slowed and rolled back to hit her foot. She hung her head as Paul snickered. She glared at him and took another shot. This time the ball went over the top and stayed on the green, but didn't quite make it to the hole. She tapped it in for a 3.

"Alright, smart ass, take your shot," she flung at him as she heard him snicker again.

He stepped up confidently and smacked a perfect shot right onto the green about 2 inches from the cup. He walked over and tapped it in for a 2.

"Hmm, who kicked who's ass?" Paul asked her with a grin.

Leah flicked the score card at Paul and called out, "Come on, boys. We are going to eat A LOT of ice cream. Paul's buying." They cheered as they ran to the car and Paul just shook his head. Somehow he had the feeling she had thrown that last hole just to get him to buy. He chuckled at that thought. It would be just the kind of thing he knew she would do.

They all went down to the waterfront to get ice cream, and before they went into the store, they watched the boats for awhile. "I LOVE the boats! When I grow up, I'm gonna get a boat," Travis told them. Leah was standing behind him with her arms around him as he stood up on the railing to watch. How she loved holding this little boy. She felt like she could stand here holding him forever.

Paul finally pushed them toward the shop telling them he was starving. "You're always starving," Leah said with a grin as she walked past him into the ice cream shop. If she only knew how starved he was for her.

Leah ordered the biggest sundae they had - three scoops of ice cream with three toppings, including whipped cream, nuts and two cherries. Tyler and Travis each ordered a 2-scoop sundae and Paul just laughed at them. "I hope I have enough money to get something for myself." He ordered a sundae just as big as Leah's and paid for all of it then they all sat down to enjoy their ice cream feast.

Travis had hot fudge all over his face and Leah laughed at him. "Here, Trav," she said as she handed him a napkin. "Try to get some of that in your mouth, will ya?"

Travis took the napkin and wiped at his mouth then shoved more ice cream into it. "Man I hope he doesn't puke on the way home," Paul commented as he watched Travis.

Tyler called out, "Shotgun on the way home!"

"Oh no. I'm not cleaning that up. I'll drive and we'll make Leah sit in the back with him," Paul said.

Leah gave them a dirty look. "You guys stop it. I will happily sit in the back with Travis on the way home. We'll have fun, won't we, Trav?"

"Yes, we will. I won't puke, I promise."

They all laughed at that then Paul and Ty made a wager on how far they would get until Travis lost it. Ty said halfway and Paul said the driveway. They bet a dollar.

The boys piled into the car as Leah handed Paul the keys. She smiled and shook her head at him as he grinned and held out a plastic bag he had asked the clerk at the ice cream shop for before he headed to the car. "Thanks a lot," she said.

Paul started the car and headed home to La Push. He listened again as Travis and Leah chatted then Travis suddenly got quiet. Tyler looked at Paul with a worried look and Paul nodded that he had noticed. "Leah? You got that bag ready?" Paul asked.

"What?" Then she looked over and noticed Travis holding his stomach. "Oh, Trav," sighed as she got the bag up to his mouth just in time as he let go and she felt the bag tug a little as the vomit hit it. Leah turned her head away and realized she better get used to this if she was actually going to be a nurse.

Paul pulled the car to the side of the road and Leah pulled Travis outside to get some air. Besides, the puke smell was getting to all of them. Travis threw up one more time on the ground and Leah had Tyler dig in the glove compartment for some napkins so she could clean him up.

Paul held out a dollar to Tyler who took it with a grin. "I saw that," Leah said in disapproval and Paul and Tyler just laughed.

After settling Travis back in the car, Leah climbed in and Paul drove them the rest of the way home then he carried Travis into the house and helped him change his clothes. "Lay here and rest a little bit, OK?" Travis nodded. "Call me if you need anything." Travis closed his eyes and Paul took his clothes out to the washer and threw them in then turned on the machine.

Leah had followed him to the kitchen. "Is he OK?"

"Yeah. I told him to lay down and rest for a little bit. I swear, that kid throws up more than anybody I've ever known."

"I don't know. I watched you puke your guts out when you were drunk. It wasn't a pretty sight."

Paul smiled at that. "Yeah, I think Jared would agree with you. I can't hold my booze, and Travis can't hold his ice cream. We're quite a pair, huh?"

Leah nodded then just stood there as another awkward silence stretched out between them until the phone rang. Paul answered it then covered the phone and called out, "Tyler! Phone!" Looking at Leah, he said with a grin, "It's Cristy. Watch this."

Tyler walked into the kitchen and Paul handed him the phone. "Hello? Oh, hi." Leah smiled at the way Tyler's voice softened when he found out it was Cristy. "No, I can talk. I'm just hanging out. What are you doing?" Tyler asked as he walked out of the room for more privacy.

"Isn't it cute how his voice gets all sweet when he talks to her? Makes me want to gag," Paul said.

"Oh stop it. You were probably the same way in the 7th grade."

"Me? Hell no. I was always smooth with the ladies."

Leah burst out laughing. "Yeah right! I remember Jared telling me about the time you all played Spin the Bottle at some party and you kissed one girl and told Jared you had to go home."

"I did! Grandma gave me a curfew and I didn't want to be late," Paul insisted.

"Uh-huh."

"Believe me, I have never been scared to kiss a girl. Ever!"

"Really? Prove it," Leah said boldly.

It shocked Paul into complete silence. As he stared at her, he wondered if she really meant it or if she was joking. But as Leah stood there staring at him, just daring him to do it, Paul found himself stepping over in front of her to take her by the shoulders and lean in to kiss her, stopping just before their lips touched. Leah's breathing picked up and Paul felt her shudder in anticipation. Closing the gap, he put his lips on hers then was amazed as he felt that fire run through him that he only got when he kissed Leah. No pain . . . just pure bliss. A sigh escaped from her into his mouth as his tongue moved inside to explore gently. Then, too soon, Paul pulled away.

Leah felt her breath taken away as he broke the kiss. She looked into his eyes and knew she could stand here and kiss him forever. But not now. The timing wasn't right. Closing her eyes, she muttered, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," before she turned away from him to look out the door into the back yard.

"Why?" Paul asked simply.

"I have to leave again, Paul." Turning to face him, Leah explained, "I'm leaving day after tomorrow to go backpacking for a couple of days in the mountains with some friends then I start my summer classes. I don't get a break again until August. How can we do this and be so far apart?"

Paul just shrugged and said nothing. What could he say? He walked to the fridge and took out a can of Mt. Dew. "Want one?" he offered.

"That's it? You have nothing else to say?"

"What the hell do you want me to say, Leah?" Paul snapped back. "Beg? Is that what you want? Would that really work with you?"

Leah sighed and shook her head. "Of course not. I just expected you to . . . oh, I don't know what I expected."

"I don't either. I never know with you. You are confusing the hell out of me," Paul admitted in frustration. Stepping in front of her, he looked down to say, "Leah . . ."

Then Tyler walked back into the kitchen to put the phone back on the charger and Paul stepped back.

"So, how's Cristy?" Paul asked him.

Ty shot him a look then said, "Fine," before opening the fridge to take out a can of pop. He turned to go then stopped in front of Leah and asked, "Um, Cristy's birthday is next week and I want to get her something. What should I get her? I only have like $10."

"Well, girls her age like jewelry, but that might be tough with only $10," Leah started. "Um, what about making her something? Bracelets are always good. Or maybe a dream catcher? I think she would really like something like that."

Tyler smiled. "Yeah, I could do that." Then his smile faded. "But Emily is gone on her honeymoon and I don't know how to make one."

"Well, you happen to know the other dream catcher expert in town."

Tyler turned to look at Paul. "Seriously? You know how to make a dream catcher?"

"I made the one for Travis and it turned out cool."

"Yeah, and I got one for Christmas. It is pretty awesome," Leah added with a soft smile at Paul.

"Well, if you're sure you know how, I guess I would like to do that."

"OK. We'll go get the stuff tomorrow," Paul told him.

Tyler nodded and turned to Leah. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Tyler smiled at her then walked into the other room. Leah looked over at Paul and said softly, "I better go."

Paul just nodded and followed her to the door. She turned to him and said, "I'll make sure I see the boys tomorrow to say goodbye."

"They would appreciate that."

"Paul, I . . . " she stopped and closed her eyes for a few seconds trying to find the words she wanted. She opened them again to find him staring at her. "I hate this. I don't know how to fix it."

"When you figure it out, give me a call," Paul told her quietly. "I'll be here."

Leah smiled and touched Paul's cheek for a brief second before she leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips, lingering just a moment then she opened the door and walked outside to her car. Paul stood there and watched her get in and drive away then he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the glass for a moment as he felt completely frustrated with his cursed life.

Paul tossed and turned that night and finally gave up trying to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Leah and how she looked under him and he was so hard for her, it was killing him. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was only a little after three, so he sighed and got out of bed to shuffle to the kitchen to get a drink of water. As he leaned back against the counter and drank his water, he remembered standing here just a few short hours ago, kissing Leah. . . how her lips tasted, how it felt to stroke her tongue with his . . . he was glad he was holding a plastic cup or he was sure he would have to clean up broken glass.

Dropping the cup into the sink, Paul walked over to the back door and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He hated to leave the boys here alone, but he really needed to run. Finally Paul grabbed his new cell phone and shoved it deep into his pocket then pulled his shorts off and secured them to his ankle. Opening the door as quietly as he could, he jogged a few feet from the house to phase.

Paul ran through the woods as fast as he could fly, trying to keep his thoughts to himself as best he could. He detected Embry and Quil out on patrol and he didn't want to put his misery on them.

"Paul? You OK?" Quil inquired.

"Just can't sleep. Too much on my mind. I'm trying my best to run it off."

"Gotcha. We'll try to tune you out."

"Thanks." He ran a few laps of the rez and finally slowed to a trot and then a walk. Somehow he knew he would end up here even before he started his run. He sat back on his haunches on the cliff top and looked out over the water. There was a hazy moon hanging in the sky and too soon, the clouds rolled over it to hide it.

"Funny meeting you here," Paul heard behind him. Turning his head, Paul saw Leah standing there, in human form, dressed in a pair of shorts and the same baggy t-shirt she had been wearing earlier. "I couldn't sleep either, but I wanted to just walk through the woods instead of going wolf. More used to being a human now."

Paul nodded his huge head. He was paralyzed wanting so badly to phase back, yet knowing if he did, he couldn't trust himself not to touch her.

"It's OK. I get it. I'll leave you alone." She turned to go and he quickly phased and called out, "No, stay."

Leah turned back and quickly caught her breath. It had been too long since she had seen Paul like this, standing there, in all his naked glory, nothing hidden from her. It was more than she could take. "Paul," she breathed, her voice filled with emotion. Run, Leah! Run away, now, she told herself, but she couldn't. Her feet were frozen to this spot.

Paul walked toward her slowly and stopped just in front of her. "Leah?" he asked softly. He waited for any indication that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Her body was shaking and he knew she wasn't cold. His hand slid slowly down her arm as she closed her eyes with a hiss. Still he waited. Taking her hand, Paul brought it to his lips, kissing her palm. Leah sighed as he kissed his way slowly up her arm. "Leah?" he asked again softly, but with more urgency.

Leah finally opened her eyes and looked at him with so much love it almost knocked him over. That was all he needed. Pulling her to him, Paul crushed his lips onto hers with a groan. Leah locked her arms around his neck and held him there as their tongues tangled. She moaned as his hands ran over her hips and around to her ass and up her back under her shirt. Her hands slid from his neck over his shoulders and onto his muscular chest. God, she had missed touching him.

Paul couldn't get enough of her, her lips tasted so good, so sweet. Better than he remembered. His hands itched to touch her, all of her. He began inching her shirt up to pull it off which startled Leah out of her love-drunk stupor. "Stop," she said as she backed away. "This isn't a good idea, Paul. I don't want to cause you any more pain, and I have to leave again and I won't be back until who knows when . . ."

Paul put his hand gently on her mouth to make her stop talking. "Leah, I know you want this as badly as I do. I don't care if you're leaving again. I don't care when you'll be back. All I care about is that you are here, right now. Please? Please let me . . ."

Leah was shaking her head, "I can't. I can't, Paul." Then she turned and ran as fast as she could away from him. As she raced through the woods she knew as much as it was killing her, it was the right thing to do. It wasn't the right time. She couldn't leave school . . . she had to find a way to do what she had to do. Alone.

Paul watched her run. "LEAH!" he called after her. "LEAH COME BACK!" But she didn't. She kept running . . . as fast as she could . . . away from him. "DAMNIT!"

Paul sunk to his knees in disbelief and confusion. That woman makes me so fucking crazy! He had no idea what had just happened or why. He knew Leah wanted him. She was fighting it as hard as she could. But why? It made no fucking sense! Sitting down on the ground, then flopping onto his back, Paul huffed as he look up into the canopy of trees. Life wasn't supposed to be like this. You were supposed to grow up, find a job, fall in love, get married, have kids . . . why wasn't that the case with him?

After awhile, he quit his commiserating and sat up and decided to drag his ass back home to try again to get some sleep. Fuck this. He had to work in the morning, and this was the boy's last week of school. He would do everything he could to throw himself back into his routine and forget about this whole horrible weekend.

Leah had kept her word and went to see the boys after school before Paul got home. She played a game of checkers with Travis then helped both of them with homework while she baked them some cookies. She had thrown together a lasagna at home for them and brought it with her. As Leah slid it in the oven, she told Tyler what time to take it out.

"OK, guys, I have to go. My mom and brother want me to have dinner with them tonight then I leave first thing in the morning."

Travis pouted. "I don't want you to leave. I hate it when you're gone."

Leah walked over and squatted down in front of his chair. "I hate it, too, Trav. But I have to finish school. I only have one more year then I'll be done. Then I'll move back here and we can see each other all the time, OK?"

Travis nodded as his lip quivered and he tried not to cry. Leah pulled him close and held onto him. She felt the very same way . . . it was so hard to let him go. Finally she stood up and walked over to Tyler who stood up to hug her. "Good luck with Cristy's gift. Write and tell me if she liked it."

"I will." Leah pulled away and Tyler said he would walk her out. They walked to the door and Tyler stepped out with her and closed it behind him. "Leah? I don't know what's going on with you and Paul, but I hope you know how much he loves you. He's miserable when you're not here. Is there any way you guys can be together?"

Leah smiled at Tyler, loving how much he cared for his brother. "It's just not the right time. I have another year of school. I can't quit, Ty. I promised the Tribal Council. And Paul can't leave here, so there is no way for us to be together. I hate it, too."

"Do you love him?" Leah just nodded and then Tyler smiled. "Then you will find a way to be with him. Maybe when you are done with school?"

"Maybe. But I can't make him wait for me. It isn't fair."

"I have a feeling he would wait forever. He never even looks at other girls. Ever."

Leah smiled and hugged Tyler again. "Thanks, Ty. I'm glad Paul has you to look out for him."

Tyler chuckled as he replied, "Yeah, really. Someone has to."

Leah left him standing there and drove away, tears rolling down her cheeks. Be strong, Leah. Be strong.