Disclaimer: I do not own Treasure Planet
A/N: R&R!
Letting Go
For talkstoangels77
Sarah groaned when she woke up the next morning. All she could remember from the night before was some dark haired woman called Mary or Anne, (she really hoped that wasn't her sister, the last and only time she got drunk with her was quite tragic and traumatic for Jim). Then there was two or three guys as well asking for her address but then there was some joke about the house on fire...Oh God.
"Why?" She moaned.
"Hey."
Sarah glanced up and saw the woman from the night before walking towards her with an embarrassed look on her face. She didn't look the slightest bit hungover...Unless she was feeling a little bit guilty for getting her drunk.
"Sorry about last night." She greeted handing her a glass of water.
Sarah waved a hand. "Don't worry about it. I've been needing to let my hair down for a number of years."
She couldn't remember the last time she had fun or when she didn't have to think about the bills, whether Jim was getting in trouble with the law or with school. That was all she ever did. She just worried because there was no one else to worry about her or any of things she was thinking about. Jim certainly wasn't going to take over that job for her. He was like his father and always thinking about the present rather than the future. Whereas she was always thinking about the future. She had to think about otherwise why was she still running the Benbow Inn. She might as well be doing something else with her life if she didn't see anything of a future in that place. She knew that from the moment she first walked through it. The funny thing was that the girl who was there before looked like she never wanted to leave it behind her. Her mother had died and she couldn't run it herself with her sister so she sold it to Sarah's father. She could never forget about that girl for some reason...
When she was drunk she didn't think about those things. She didn't need to. She just had to think about how many elephants were walking on the ceiling. It was a bit disturbing when she thought about it. She didn't even want to think about what Jim got up to when he was drunk. He came back home that way once but had a terrible hangover the next morning. Thankfully she had enough experience of it to know that purb juice was always the best hangover cure. In fact it was the one time when she didn't get made at him considering she thought she owed him for that one time when she did get drunk right in front of him. It was Anne's fault for it all happening but still. She also remembered what it was like to be a teenager. At least he wasn't knocking anyone up yet. His father was well on his way when he was about his age and he hasn't brought home a girlfriend yet so...That was always her saving grace. He spent more time with his solar glider than with a girl which could perhaps be good if she was positive influence on him but then again she didn't want him repeating the same mistakes she made when she was about his age. It wasn't something to be indulged but alcohol was good for drowning away the things people didn't want to think about.
Whenever she had an excessive amount, not only did she lose all sense of control over her motor functions she lost all control over those things she was always constantly thinking about. She didn't have to think about the fact that her husband had walked out on her and was never going to come back. People would have thought that it was better for her to let him go. But it was still hard when there was a time when you once thought that he was someone who wanted to spend the rest of their lives with you. There was no divorce or death in space. Nothing. She would have settled with that but he just walked out on her and Jim. It made her feel like there was nothing about her which was worth fighting for or even worth staying for. She was still forever connected to him but he didn't want to have any of that any more. The last time she actually got drunk was when he walked out on her with her sister. That was, she resolved the morning after, the last time she was going to drunk only now she had broken that promise to herself. But she had actually remembered how much fun it was to just let yourself go. It made her feel like air when she was a little girl, before they lived at the Benbow Inn she would go up to the room of the house where they rented a room and she would stretch up her arms and feel like she was riding the wind. That was why she liked Leland so much. He loved the sky as much as she did.
Marianne suppressed a laugh. "You're preaching to the choir sister."
Sarah drank the whole thing down in one gulp and handed it back to Marianne. She gave her a scrutinizing look and smiled.
"Do you have any kids?"
Marianne stared back at her and didn't answer her for long enough for it to be considered a 'yes-but-I-don't-want-to-talk-about-it'.
"How old are they?" She asked.
Marianne shook her head. "Not very old. Should be around...ten about now. I don't know..."
Sarah frowned. "What do you mean?"
"I gave her up." She answered uneasily.
She couldn't believe she was being so honest with this total stranger. Well she wasn't a total stranger. She just couldn't remember her.
"She...She deserved a better life than the one than the one I could have given her."
Sarah smiled sadly. She knew she had to feel sorry for a woman who thought that she could never give enough to her daughter, even though she wished that she would be able to live every moment she could with her. Sarah thought before Jim left that if she was thinking about him at the same moment he was then maybe they could be together. They could pretend that they weren't galaxies apart. Maybe she could do that too...
~ (***) ~
It was a few days before Jim came when the letter arrived. She was beginning to forget the name of the woman who took her out for a drink. Then she would remember it was Marianne. Sometimes she got mixed up and thought it was either Mary or Anne but then would go to Mary because she already knew an Anne. She had finished cleaning the library and the study which were the biggest jobs and was now going through the bedrooms when one of the few servants he had coming to deliver a letter to her. She told them to put it in the study thinking it was for Delbert but was told that a woman came stating that he should put it in her hand. She didn't know how they knew she was staying with Delbert. It was something which was always going to mystify her for a bit. She didn't know how they knew her or why they were doing this. She knew she couldn't very well send a thank you note but when things like this happened you had to wonder why it was happening to you and what you did to make people do things like this. It wasn't like miracles happened every day, to people like her anyway.
She ripped open the letter only to find what seemed like millions of bank notes falling like confetti. She picked them up hurriedly and after neatly putting them back together she glanced at the letter.
Dear Mrs Hawkins,
I hope I find you well, the last time we spoke I recall you were not exactly in the best of spirits. At least not the morning after our celebrations, as we could put it. I hope this is enough to pay back for the damages made for your inn. It has been something which has greatly concerned me since our last inn and I hope it is enough to make up for the things which have passed between us which I wish to make up for (including the predicaments experienced the morning after the event which I was referring to earlier). Or at least I hope it will be enough to build a bigger inn that it was before. Sorry about that by the way, we did not exactly leave it in a great condition when your father bought it off our hands. We should have probably done more maintenance on it. Anyway, I hope this enough to repay you for everything that has happened. I was not responsible for the fire but I know that there was something I could have done on your behalf since I am familiar with the man who is responsible and all I can do is apologise yet again for all of this. I wish you well.
Sarah frowned and tried to find a name but saw that it wasn't signed. Wasn't that something? She re-read the letter to see if there was anything which might hint at their identity. She was never really that great at puzzles if she was honest. It took her while sometimes to realise a man was flirting with her...Unless she was drunk and she was already doing that herself. Then the first few lines about their 'last meeting' finally set it up in neon lights. Marianne. But what did she mean she knew the pirate who burnt down the house? She didn't come across as someone who knew pirates but then there was something about her mentioning that she sold the Benbow Inn to her father...Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth as she gasped. It was her. She was the daughter of the woman...She always thought that there was something familiar about her. She remembered that one time when they met and there was something of a connection there or something. She was like a best friend she never had. Someone who could be braver than her but at the same time could encourage her to be a little braver too...
~ (***) ~
Marianne ran a finger over the rim of her glass while she waited for her father. It had been a while since she last saw him. Since he left for the voyage in fact and she could still feel that there was something which needed to be resolved between the two of them. It hadn't been years but it was something which wasn't worth leaving for a number of years until they spoke about it. She didn't know whether she was going to be able to forgive him for all that he had done. Not just to her but also to Murat and their sister. Sarah. He hadn't exactly been number one citizen of the year let alone Dad of the decade either. She knew she was as bad as him considering they were both pirates but she had never crossed the line like he had been doing recently. Some people would have told her that she was in her own rights to never speak to him again. Still, he was her father he needed her to at least talk to him about what she was thinking. She at least owed him that...
"Marianne?"
She turned around and there he was, a few feet away from her. Before she could say anything to him he walked over to her faster than she had ever seen him walk since his operation and hugged her tightly.
"I'm glad to see ya, love."
She blinked for a moment but was finally brought back into the galaxy again. Something had happened. Something had changed him. She thought that she would be frightened by something like this but she didn't want to be too quick to judge. They just got back together again and she didn't want to mess it up like she usually did. If she thought about it she was always the one to kick start an argument between the both of them.
She patted him on the back. "Me too. How was the voyage? Did you get your wins?" She teased
He cocked his head to the side. "Not exactly. It was real, Marianne but...It was booby trapped. Most of it went to ashes in the end but I was able to snatch a little. I gave it away though..."
She frowned. "What? Dad, you been talking about this for years what made you...?"
"I changed while I was away, love. I met a lad whose mother owned the inn. I felt that he deserved it more than I did. He had a life, I'm just an aimless wanderer."
She smiled. Something really had happened to him and for the better. Whoever this kid, Jim was he was a little miracle maker. She always thought that he was just a lost cause. It would be hypocritical for her to try and change him completely but for years he had been obsessed with chasing this dream of his and now he was finally about to let it go. And so was she.
She took his hand. "Join the club."
4 years later...
Xavier walked out onto the deck to see how everything was doing. He remembered when he first graduated the first voyage the Captain spent more of his time in his cabin than with the crew and making sure everything was going smoothly. Then there was another who truly showed him how to be a good Captain. Then again he liked to think he was able to figure that out on his own. He was a tall man of great integrity and he taught him more about how to be a good Captain than all those years at the Academy. There was a good, strong breeze and there were clear skies. This was going to be an easy voyage...
"Morning Captain."
Xavier turned to see the ship's doctor meekly walking over to him with a coffee in hand. He offered one to him knowing it was the time of day when he took his coffee and how he took it after just a few days. When he mentioned that he had a good memory he wasn't kidding...
"Thank you, Nicolas. How are your wife and daughter?"
Even though some people thought that a ship was only a place for men Xavier had to admit that he kind of like the company of women aboard the ship at the moment. It made him feel like he hadn't left home. Helen was quiet, studious and rarely joyous just like his daughter and Georgiana was so helpful and generous just like...He wished he was able to say his wife but actually she reminded him more of Gina. It was cruel to have one love after even two at the same time but Gina made it easier for him to deal with his wife's death. Their relationship reminded somewhat of secret but he was sure from time to time that maybe the rest of the servants and even his family were aware of it. Although it was better not to make presumptions when nothing was spoken of. Along with his more than efficient level of expertise, Nicolas also brought along his wife and daughter, Georgiana and Helen. He was slightly bending the laws by bringing his daughter aboard the ship but there was no one to take their daughter in. They had no family to speak of and that was all because...traditional values. He remembered when he saw him there begging him to help them he knew that he would never live it down if he didn't. He had heard about Nicolas Arkwright and knew that they had been dealt with monstrously.
The doctor shrugged. "My family are always glad to be with one another. Even if we can't afford to be apart we consider it a blessing. I've always wanted to thank you for making it easier for us. I know the law states no one under the age-"
Xavier held up a hand. "I know, Nicolas. There was nothing to be done. I understand."
He thought of his daughter and of the times when she used to beg him to let her come on his voyages with him. If he could he would have brought her with him gladly. Although that would have to wait and her spirits were still low from the death of her mother...
Nicolas turned back to his coffee and ran a finger over the rim. "All because we married for love..."
Xavier turned to him and eyed the expression on his face. He remembered when he first met his wife, Georgiana. There was something about her which made one know instantly that she was born from the elite but when you knew her for who she was she was far from all those airs and graces. With the way she looked at her husband one knew that they loved one another and would travel across the galaxy to be with one another. Xavier knew more than anyone how difficult that was to come by.
Xavier sighed and clapped him on the back. "Well, Nicolas. I hope you will be happy to know that I cannot abide such things. I see no point in them any more. The world is changing too quickly to be so set in the old ways. We should just been allowed to live as we wish...Within reason." He added quickly making Nicholas laugh.
"Hear, hear."
~ (***) ~
Her father had informed her after his seventh voyage since the death of her mother that there would be another death that would enter into their lives. There was a ships doctor, Nicholas Arkwright who her father described as an intelligent scholar but as a man he was kind and courageous. He was a man her father had come to respect highly and the two men became fast friends over the duration of the voyage. In all the letters that he sent them there wasn't one where Nicholas wasn't mentioned. However this doctor was also very poor and couldn't afford to keep up some money for he, his wife and daughter to live while he was away, so they always accompanied him of his journeys, considering that he didn't have enough money to spare for them while he was away. Georgiana Arkwright was a wonderful woman. Warm, kind and noble. She was born from a wealthy family and abandoned her wealth and privileges to be with a man she loved not one out of power and money. Their daughter, Helen was a quiet little thing. She was shy but always eager to help her father and to learn of the knowledge he had to offer. It was evident to her father that she had the thirst for knowledge that she had inherited from her father. During the voyage there had been an outbreak of disease and Dr Arkwright had no choice but to attend to the sailors considering that it was his job.
However due to the amount of exposure and despite the precautions he fell ill. Xavier had warned him against it and told him that he should let some of the other patients after they had recovered to perhaps help him. Although he didn't listen and soon met his long, painful death. His wife soon fell ill and within days of each other they died. Now the only Arkwright left was their daughter and she didn't have a soul in the world to care for her. Cassandra's father took it as his duty as a friend to settle the matters of Helen guardianship. She was a good child from good parents and she deserved to have a good life, despite the fact that she wasn't dealt so well with luck. He knew her father's family were all dead and so it was only left of her mother's to take up that role. Although when he thought of that he wasn't very sure whether they would be able to fulfil that role very well considering what he had been told by both Nicholas and Georgiana. Nevertheless, he wrote a letter to them informing them of the situation and the answer he received was curt and impersonal. Nothing which he would have expected from such a family. He knew that he would be betraying his friend if he allowed them to make such a life for her. He acted quickly and impulsively and wrote to them informing them of her death. So that there would be no reason for them to pursue her as they would believe that she no longer lived.
He decided that the only person who would raise Helen Arkwright would be him. She took one look and knew that if that was the only option his daughters had he would rather they were sent to an orphanage if that was what the only family which was left was like. As she waited Cassandra wondered what sort of girl she would be. Her father told her that she would be quiet and inquisitive, just like her, apparently. She wasn't sure whether this was a compliment or not. He even made the presumption in the letter that she and Helen would get along instantly due to their similar personalities. This was something which somewhat unsettled Cassandra. She wasn't offended by her fathers observations of her own character but she was always afraid of making presumptions. She heard horse hooves approaching down the path down to house. Her head snapped in the direction of the window and saw a black carriage gliding towards the house. She froze in her position absolutely petrified by what was to come. She could even face the hounds of hell and be afraid however would still have the will to battle with them. Gina opened the door which gave her such a fright she jumped up from her seat, waiting for her cue to greet her new sister. Her nursemaid rolled her eyes and took her by the arm.
"Come, Miss. It's time to greet your father on his return and your new sister." She replied, navigating her out of the lounge.
Cassandra sighed but complied nonetheless. She wasn't going to be unpleasant to the girl. She had just lost her parents, at least she had a father left. She took her through the corridor and onto the steps outside the front entrance. When she stepped outside everything seemed to cave in on her. There was something out there, something which frightened her. Something that was going to change. She didn't know how she got the feeling but it was making her shake all over. The wind was bitter cold but Cassandra nonetheless stood there still and unaffected by the weather. The carriage came to a halt in front of them and eventually her father and small girl emerged out of the carriage. Cassandra's eyes immediately laid onto the new arrival. The girl had golden blonde curl which framed her oval shaped face with features which were not extraordinary but were soft and pleasant. Cassandra wasn't a pretty girl but neither was she plain or ugly. She had a skinny frame which hinted at her previous malnourished diet. She looked up at the large, intimidating mansion feeling rather frightened.
Cassandra smiled grimly and held out a hand. "Hello. I'm Cassandra."
The girl stepped back and seemed to hesitate. It was as if she never had any luck with conversing with those outside her family. She turned to Cassandra's father who gave her an encouraging nod.
"Greet your new sister, Helen."
Helen turned back to Cassandra who gingerly took her hand and shook it awkwardly. "It's lovely to meet you." She almost whispered.
"It's a pleasure to meet you also." Cassandra replied soberly.
She turned round and re-entered the domain to allow her entry into the house and waited by the stairs to receive her orders.
~ (***) ~
Marianne was walking through the streets minding her own business when she heard a shrill voice from the distance. When she heard her she froze on the spot knowing who it was. Some people sometimes made mistakes but it was always difficult to make a mistake when it comes to Katherina. Or Kathy as she remembered her. She refused to be called by her full name on the account that it made her think of her Grandmother.
"I thought it was you." She greeted breathlessly.
Marianne took in a deep breath. You had to when it came to it came to her. She was as mad as a hatter and an eccentric one at that. From what she could recall about her was that she could give a man a single look and he would die at her feet then and there. If need be she was more than happy to please a man...
"Well," She raised her eyebrows. "Looks like you were right."
Sometimes she wondered how everyone else had put up with Kathy. Sometimes she just sucked all the energy out of you by just talking to you for about a minute. She didn't know what it was, she was just filled with energy. She wouldn't be surprised if that was all she was made up of.
"Of course I was right, its me Marianne." She linked her arm through hers. "So tell me, how have you been since the war ended? It's been almost fifteen years and I haven't heard so much as a peep out of you. Not even a letter and I hate letters."
Marianne gave her a look and then found there was a smile on her face and before she knew it they were both laughing like schoolgirls. It reminded her of the old days when they were working together. Even when the war was on it was never impossible to lose your spirits. It was easy, in fact, to find a way to cope if you had friends by your side to keep you stable. That, and other relationships such as your family or people you found to love you, even for a moment. It was just relationships really. That was what kept you going. She didn't know where she would have been without her friends, her father, her sister or even-She couldn't bare to think of him sometimes but she wasn't going to deny the fact that he partially helped her get through the war. Kathy hadn't changed a bit and if she was honest, she was all the better for it. She liked the fact that she never cowered in a dark corner. Or was sobbing in her bed whenever someone died. She remembered that she always admired her for that at least.
"I...Well...Isn't it obvious?" She laughed.
Kathy frowned at her for a moment, looked her up and down and then suddenly it sunk in. She thought it would have taken her less time than that. She had always been a talented mind reader...
"Marianne...You didn't! Oh my...I can't believe it. You're being more devious than I am. I know being a mistress is socially frowned upon but you're breaking the law. Then again we were more like peas in a pod than you and your sister. How is she by the way?"
Marianne felt herself go cold. She found herself shaking and unable to breathe. She thought that she might collapse then and there in the street. She could see why her father was so uneasy when her sister was mentioned. It was so hard to hear it being said out loud. Had no one told her? Did she not know what happened to her sister? Did she even bother to ask her what had happened?
"Darling, you look positively pale what is the matter?" She demanded.
She didn't know how she was going to tell her. Kathy and she were never really close but then again she was the one who introduced them. She still cared about her sister as much as she did. She knew her longer but...She just couldn't believe that she hadn't run into someone else. If so, she couldn't believe that they hadn't mentioned anything to her. It was just monstrous. It was like it didn't matter whether she was alive or not.
"I...Did you not hear, Kathy? After you were transferred...Kathy she's dead."
~ (***) ~
"Cassandra, I hope you don't mind but I was wondering if Helen may sleep with you in your room. I was thinking you were getting a bit old for Gina to look after you and Victoria is in more need of her than you. I hope you understand."
Cassandra spun round and led her up the stairs. After they had gotten out of earshot of her father Cassandra decided to talk to her.
"My father told me of the death of your parents, may I give you my condolences?"
The girl, Helen looked up and nodded silently. She didn't blame her for being so quiet. She was when her mother died. She had lost both her parents now. She stopped for a moment and actually thought about that. She wondered what it would be like to lose both her parents. She would find it devastating to have to face that. It made her think about the fact that other people could mourn as well. Couldn't they...?
Helen looked away uncomfortably and licked her lips. "Thank you. Your father mentioned the death of your mother. That you still...I am sorry."
Cassandra turned around and looked at her. She narrowed her eyes and took a step towards her. She knew what she was going to say. Or what she was trying to say. People thought she wasn't aware of what they thought of her but the expressions on their faces made it as plain as day. She didn't know why she was still so sad about it all. She just couldn't find a way to not be sad about her mother passing. It was like she had a hole inside her and she would only be able to be happy again unless she found a way to fill it up again.
Cassandra looked away and sighed. "Thank you, but I cannot even imagine the pain of losing both parents in so little time."
"I suppose...you just cope." She replied uncertainly.
Something about her words almost felt like she was singing to her heart in a way. It was like she knew what it was like to be her. She knew the pain which she felt and she knew that the only way to face it was to, as she put it, deal with it. However when she looked at her she was saying something else. She was telling her that she had to do more than just deal with it. She was telling her something else. That terrible secret that no one else would dare to tell her...
Cassandra nodded. "Quite right. You just cope. Well here it is."
She opened the door and brought up into a room where there were two beds only a few feet apart on both sides of the room with two bedside tables separating them. The walls were painted a pale lilac which had lost its colour due to neglect. There was a chest of drawers which was used by Gina which would now be used by Helen and a wardrobe for Cassandra. However Cassandra knew she would feel guilty so decided she would offer Helen to make use of the wardrobe for dresses. There was a small bookshelf with a few books which Cassandra had read or was planning to read. There was some which she would take from her father's library filled with mysteries of the universe and stories of adventures into that wide, open sky. There was a pair of heavy, velvet midnight blue curtains hanging at either side of the window which overlooked the garden. Helen drifted over to the window and looked out. Cassandra watched her for a moment yet again and thought that she was having some out of body experience. She felt like she was watching herself on the morning of her mother's funeral. She remembered Fredrick being terrified of her. The more she looked at her the more she didn't blame her.
"You have a beautiful view." Helen commented. "Do you take walks?"
Cassandra nodded. "Very often. I quite enjoy admiring the world around me."
She stood close beside her and looked out the window with her. She had to admit that there was some truth in that. It made her forget that her mother but it also reminded her of her as well. It didn't make her feel like so much of a ghost. People thought that she didn't know. It was not too painful going to think of her mother and she felt no guilt in allowing her memory to slip from her mind for even a moment while she was there.
"Helen may I ask how old you are?"
"Thirteen." She replied.
She smiled. Only thirteen. Almost the same age as her. She glanced at her again and thought on that for a moment. She would never have thought her being thirteen. She looked like she had aged over night from all that she had been through...
~ (***) ~
Kathy sat there for a long time silently as she smoked a cigarette. She wasn't even aware that she was crying. Marianne thought of pointing it out or giving something to dry her eyes with but she decided against it. Kathy, like her didn't like giving into her emotions and she hated it more when people pointed it out or made it known that they knew how you were feeling. When she felt like that she wanted to be left alone or at least left alone with her grief. She didn't want anyone else's pity nor did she want to watch someone else mourn. It just made her angry. She was just going to be patient. She took a cigarette off Kathy and had one of her own as she waited for it all to sink in. She couldn't say a thing and Marianne would be in the same position if it was her as well. She would be distraught. She would have run off and gave some terrible excuse and got to deal with her grief by herself. She thought it took a lot of guts to drag someone else into it. Kathy dragged her into it so much she took her back to her apartment to keep her together before her daughter came home. If she had thought about her friend being safe and out there in the universe somewhere living their life it was almost like a security blanket. You at least knew that she was safe. Now this bomb shell was dropped onto all those beliefs and you didn't know what to do.
"So...how did it happen?" She asked finally.
Her voice was as low and quiet as death. She could still hear a sob in the back of her throat stifling her words.
"There was a bombing. After that we were all relocated. Um...Although I didn't go back to the nursing. I couldn't really face it again."
Kathy nodded. "Of course. Of course you couldn't."
There was a look of her face saying that she understood partly but then there was something else she wanted to ask her. She wanted to ask why she went there. Why she went as far as breaking the law.
"I...I don't want you to think any less of me for my decision. I...I can't really explain why I got myself into it and I suppose there's no going back either."
There was a distracted look on Kathy's face. "Go back to what?"
There was a sound at the door opening and closing. Kathy jumped at he sound as if it was another bomb going off and jumped to her feet brushing over her clothes, looking to Marianne with a panicked expression on her face.
"Selina! Selina this is an old friend of Mummy's. From the days when I worked as a nurse." She greeted. "Marianne, this is my daughter, Selina."
Marianne looked the red-headed girl up and down. She was every inch of her mother, except for the hair which she was sure her mother absolutely loved.
She got to her feet. "A pleasure to meet you, Selina."
~ (***) ~
They were silent again, they were both struggling to find something to say. Cassandra took a hesitant glance up at the girl who looked around the room and for some reason felt whenever she looked into her face she felt like she was looking into a mirror. Cassandra who knew that it would bring pandemonium into their home is she protested still felt like it was too soon to have to sleep in the same room as someone else. It seemed so intimate. She still felt like she was child that still needed her mother which had been a role taken by that of Gina. Now that was something that was snatched away by both the arrival of Helen and Victoria. Cassandra was still uncertain of Helen. She seemed, like her father said, quite similar to her in character however perhaps a little less confident than she. However that may be a result of her parents death. Gina tucked them both in giving them both a kiss on the head, closing the door gently behind her. She still left the candle on, knowing that it would unsettle the new addition to the family if she did not. She stared the wall willing herself to sleep however knew after plunging deep into the night that this would be impossible. Helen stared up at the ceiling wondering how life had brought her here.
"Helen?" Cassandra whispered.
The words whistled out between her lips before even thinking about it. She hoped that her words would flutter out into the night and disappear, forgotten or ignored. However a moment later she heard another little voice in the dark.
"Yes?"
"I was checking if you were awake. I guess you can't sleep."
"No."
Cassandra fidgeted in her bed. She felt so awkward asking such a pointless and silly question. She just...She wanted to make sure that she was still there.
"Are you thinking about your parents?" She asked hesitantly.
"Yes...Well no. I'm thinking about a lot of things, but mostly things. Why can't you sleep?"
Cassandra stretched out her legs and turned her head from side to side. She had given up on sleep a long time ago. She couldn't remember the last time she slept. It was because when she dreamt she had nightmares. Whenever she slept she always dreamt about all that blood. She saw herself with blood dripping down her legs and something eating out from the inside of her stomach.
Cassandra shook her head. "I never sleep. I can't sleep, mostly. Whenever I do I see her."
Helen frowned up at the ceiling. "Who?"
Cassandra finally sat up knowing that she was never going to get to sleep. She glanced over at her new sister and gave her a look as if to say that she should know the answer to that question. It felt strange calling her sister. It was like there was sandpaper in her mouth. There wasn't anything natural about the way that she said it.
"My mother." She answered.
"Would you not be happy to see your mother?"
Cassandra sighed and laid down on her back again and faced the wall. She reached out and touched the wall as if to reassure herself it wasn't voidless darkness. She didn't like staring into it, it made her feel like there was something there, watching her, waiting to jump out and eat her.
"I guess. But when I dream of her I dream of the night she died. She died in childbirth."
"Yes, your father told me."
Helen rolled over and leaned her head against her hand and looked over at Cassandra's back. She couldn't tell what she was thinking. She was tensing up a bit which could suggest that she was talking about something which wasn't exactly pleasant for her to talk about. She didn't blame her, she didn't like the idea of talking about her parents.
"Cassandra? Are you still mourning your mother?"
Cassandra gripped onto her blanket trying not to cry. She didn't want to give into this. She had never cried for her mother but she wasn't going to. She couldn't...After a long pause which she thought would go on beyond the night she finally answered.
"Yes and I think I always will."
"Why?"
"Because I miss her." Cassandra replied, a sob threatening to escape from her throat. "I don't want to be where she is not."
"You can never die at the same time as another person. You can never enter the next life holding another's hand. It's something you have to do alone."
She had enough of this. She had enough of her. Why was she here? What gave her the right to be here? She knew she had no right but why did her father bring her here? What made him think that she could come here and be part of their family?
"But why Helen?" She cried. "Why should I accept this?"
She jumped up from her bed, hot tears streaming down her face. Her face was burning with fury and with the ferocity of inner turmoil and conflicting emotions colliding. She was struggling to breath in between her sobs. She afraid that she would simply die for being unable to breath, it was what she had always wanted but now that she had been brought to deaths door she didn't. She wanted to live. She had had all these emotions swirling up inside her without having any chance of escaping. Helen sat up, staring at the once sober, emotionless but polite girl now immersed in a passion of despair. Of all the things that she knew to expect from this girl such an expression of emotion wasn't one of them. She was powerless as to what she should do and did the only thing that came natural. She slide off the bed and wrapped her arms around her. She consoled her.
"There is a part of nature which is painful but necessary in order for it to continue. For there to be life there but be death. This is something you have to accept because it is an important part of it. I'm sure you're mother loves you very much but you have to let her go. For both your sakes."
Cassandra was shaking like a leaf in the wind as she rested in her arms. She felt like a baby crying like this but she supposed that the last time she cried like this or cried at all was when she was a child or even baby.
"But how can I...How can I...forgive her?"