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Regrets, No Regrets

Seven months later...

For awesmninja

I have contemplated on whether I should write this letter to you or not...

Helen gripped the letter in her hand which she had received a month ago. She looked out the window and saw in a few moments that her old home would be rising on the horizon. How strange it felt to go back there...As a visitor as well. She felt like she was a stranger in her own family. It was bad enough that she had lost the first and true one to such a terrible illness and then to lose her second because of social expectations. She had gripped so tightly, for so long that the ink was beginning to stain her hand. She took in a deep breath hoping that the contents of the letter was something coming from a misinformed mind. Something like this couldn't happen to Cassandra...She brushed the palm of her hand against the seat but it only made the ink smudge across her hand so much it went grey making the mess on her hand even worse. She had only waited until now to see Cassandra since she had not arrived home after completing her first year at the Academy until a week ago. It was the earliest she could get to visit her without the meeting being discovered by her brother, Fredrick. Helen shivered at the memory and was secretly glad of this but she hated all this secrecy. All of this had happened as a result of her deception but she didn't hate her for it. Far from it. She pitied her.

I now realise that it to be with the utmost urgency to inform you of this. I believe that she had been deceiving you since before you left...

She leaned her head against the cold glass of the carriage as she re-read the letter. She wanted to make sure. She wanted to make sure that this was just something she had read into and meant something else entirely. She traced the lines with her finger and her fingers brushed against the paper making her nerves tingle with the gentle touch. She thought about the sender of this letter and smiled. She had some good times with that brother. He and Cassandra were always kind to her. And Victoria as well. They were all kind it was a shame that George wasn't the older brother. As she read the words she realised she had read them so often she knew what was going to come next so instantaneously she could read it backwards and it would still make sense to her. She could stand up and recite the words off by heart as if it were a monologue. Those heavy words weighed down on her heart so much but she could not cast them from her mind. She held her hand to her mouth to prevent her from sobbing or crying. It wasn't out of betrayal when she sobbed for the first time she read the letter. It was regret.

...She convinced herself it was the right thing to do. But you and I both know how she can be. She believes that by sacrificing her own dreams you would be able to have yours. That she would be able to achieve hers in time but she will just have to put hers on hold...

Helen shook her head, not believing what she was reading. Cassandra was so determined to be a ship's captain and now she was sacrificing her own dreams for Helen's mere fantasies? It didn't make sense.

….can see in her eyes that she's merely trying to deal with it but I know that she's dying inside. Her dreams are wasting away in the institution she has been put in...

A shaky sob escaped from the back of her throat as the carriage went over a bump. Helen held onto the side of the carriage and felt her heart thudding in her chest at a maddening rate.

I can see in her eyes that she's dying inside. In a way, she's killing herself by remaining there. I fear the worst in her staying there and the institution even corrupting her past hopes and replacing them with the concept of husband hunting. I couldn't imagine anything worse than that...

"We're here, Miss." The driver called.

Helen nodded and thanked him. She stepped out the carriage and found the old house which was once her home rising in front of her.

…I implore you to go visit her, Helen. I think you're the only person who can save her from this fate. The only one who can lead her down another path. The right path. The path she chose to take all those years ago, but was hindered by our father's death...

She hesitated then braved a step forward towards the house. Before this was a place she would've happily stepped back into but now it seemed darker. There was something more sinister about it more than homely. It was no longer the place she remembered as her sanctuary. A part of her even regretted her coming. Helen looked at the door before her for longer than she should've done. She feared what would happen the moment she knocked on the door. She was scared of what she would find behind the door. On some level she wanted to believe that George's letter was wrong. That he was wrong or misinformed on the contents of the letter. She didn't want to be in a universe where Cassandra wasn't the strongest person she had ever met. She didn't want to be in world where Cassandra gave up on her dreams so soon. That sort of place couldn't exist. Cassandra deserved so much more than that. Now that both her parents are dead. After witnessing both their deaths Cassandra deserved for the world to be her oyster not to be confined to just one path. She deserved to have a second choice. Helen took in a deep breath and banged on the door. She couldn't believe she was doing this. If all of this was true then she had no right to be here. Cassandra had made her decision and she knew the extents of her sister's stubbornness.

She could remember times when she would even argue with her own father as a result of this. There was a moment when he almost mentioned that she was behaving just like her mother when a frown would appear on her forehead. He would step back and put an end to that one argument which Helen witnessed between them both. Cassandra later told her that what her father was about to say made no sense at all since her mother had the most gentle and almost submissive temperament she had ever encountered with anyone. This was something that she had inherited from her father. They were both sure of it...At the same time, if she was wrong then she had no right to presume that Mr Hawkins hospitality was false. She shook her head before the door was opened before to find herself standing in front of Gina. The older, maternal woman had changed much since she last saw her. She looked more tired, her eyes looked redder, perhaps from crying. Her hair was in a disarray beneath her cap. She was significantly thinner than before as well. However underneath all of this Helen was still able to see the Gina she once knew. The Gina who accompanied she and her sisters on walks behind the house. The Gina who tucked them into bed almost every night. Now this was a different Gina. Maybe something had no only happened to Cassandra which changed her completely...

"Helen." Her voice was tired and husky. Her grey, dim eyes seemed to sparkle for a moment at her presence. "It's wonderful to see you child. How are you?"

Gina beckoned the young girl inside and closed the door behind her. "I'm well. Thank you. I've just completed my first year at the Doctors Academy."

Gina nodded and smiled brightly. "That's wonderful. Wonderful news. I have not been able to welcome such good news in a while."

Helen looked around quickly before asking, "How are things here?"

Gina's face fell and shook her head, Helen swore she could hear her muttering some incarnation or something along those lines.

"It's never going to be the same, Miss Arkwright. Ever since Captain Richardson died..." Gina held her hand up to her nose to stifle a sob. "And Cassandra...She's not herself. She's changing and changing as the days pass by. We don't know what it is. We've all known her since she was a child, most since she came out the womb. We've never seen her like this."

Helen nodding, knowing she couldn't imagine what sort of change could have occurred until she had seen her sister for herself. She couldn't jump to conclusions yet. She couldn't do something like that until she saw her. It was something which she had to be completely sure of. However, she could see from Gina's eyes that it was a frightful change. Gina was always one that had a no-nonsense attitude and it took a lot to shake her confidence. But there was something in her eyes that told Helen that there was a change in Cassandra. One which needed to be stopped. Helen began to doubt whether she should've been the one to have been sent for this mission. Perhaps, Mr Hawkins should've been sent. He seemed rather determined to confront her about something last time they had met. Maybe George was right, it seemed to fit all together when she looked back on the last time Mr Hawkins saw Cassandra. She nodded curtly to Gina and requested to speak with her immediately. Instead of asking her to wait in the corridor Gina asked her to follow her, considering the urgency of the situation. She asked where Fredrick was, which made Gina jump. Helen narrowed her eyes with suspicion wondering why the mention of his name made her so frightened. Helen feared Fredrick's wrath more than anyone but she knew from this reaction that Gina feared him more.

"Here we are, Miss." Gina said breathlessly as she pushed the heavy library doors open.

Thank goodness she still spends her time in here, Helen thought.

They made their way around the shelves to find Cassandra tucked away in a corner reading a book of poetry which made Helen frown.

Poetry? That's an usual choice for Cassandra. She usually has no time for such things.

Gina curtseyed and announced, "Helen Arkwright is here to see you, Miss."

Miss? Why is Gina calling her Miss?

Cassandra looked up and smiled brightly when she saw Helen. "Thank you, Gina. You can- Gina?"

Cassandra's eyes widened and Helen followed her gave to a red-eyed, whimpering young woman. Although now in this moment she looked like she had aged by twenty years. They both knew that something was wrong and she wasn't telling any of them. They both saw it. They both knew it. They just had no idea what it could possibly be except something more terrible than either of them could ever imagine. There was something wrong with her. They both stepped forward towards their old nanny and looked at one another. Cassandra wasn't looking at Helen, she was more looking at Gina. She knew that she was doing this because she may have a distinct idea of what she was upset about. It was something may or may not have anything to do with Cassandra's situation. Helen was looking at her in a way which suggested that she should know what was going on and she should have put an end to it by now. Cassandra shook a little at this stare and turned back to Gina. She stroked away the strands of hair which were brushing themselves against her eyes and gave her a comforting smile. She almost looked maternal for a moment. There was a look in her eyes which told her everything was going to be alright. She had to hope that everything was going to be alright, at least for Gina. She at least deserved that much...

Cassandra had noticed her servant's eyes were red and took her by the shoulders. "Were you crying again?" She whispered. Gina gave a slight nod and looked down at the floor. Cassandra sighed and rubbed her arm before dismissing her. She turned back to Helen and offered her a seat.

"How are you? How are your studies? I'm sorry about the last time we met I was...um..."

"It's alright. My studies are going well and I have passed my exams all for this year so I won't have to re-do any years and in fact I'm able to go on a scholarship for next year since I have done so well."

Cassandra took her sisters hand. "That's wonderful. I'm glad things are turning out well for you."

Helen smiled back uncertainly. Nothing seemed to have changed in Cassandra other than seeming more polite and being more restrained. Then again the idea of that was strange and unimaginable when it came to Cassandra.

"How about you?"

Cassandra gave a little laugh and shook her head. "Impossible. The lessons at the Academy are dreadfully dull. I've completed all my languages courses so there will be no need for me to continue next year. So they're encouraging me to pick up on another sport and extra time with my piano practice. The teacher is such a...creep."

"How so?"

Cassandra hesitated. "Let's just say...He didn't take up the job just in need of money but also to remedy his need to be in close proximity of young women."

Helen gasped. "Cassandra you must report him immediately."

Cassandra shrugged. "He hasn't done anything. That I have heard of, but believe me if he did anything to me I will report it immediately. If another girl is attacked by him and I find out about it believe me I will report it."

"He sounds dreadful."

"He's a dreadful teacher, that's what he is."

Helen laughed and gazed at her sister. That was the sister she knew. The cynical, intelligent and humorous young woman she was. As witty as any woman who could attract the eyes of any king from any galaxy. As spirited as any soul who could attract anything as far as the farthest corner of the universe. Maybe everyone was wrong. Maybe there was nothing wrong with her and the slightest change that the Academy had made on her manners was beginning to send everyone down a spiral of anxiety. How could anyone change her sister? She was also stubborn and in order to change her ways it would take a very relentless and determined old woman to make her behave like a polite, young lady whose dream was to find a rich husband. That was the last thing she wanted but she did have a feeling when she last saw her...She didn't know whether it was her imagination but perhaps there was more between her and Captain Hawkins than they wanted other people to know...She was sure it was going to change her in some way as everything did when it was put into a different environment to what it was used to. Helen could still see the spirited, lively young girl she once knew beneath the exterior. When Cassandra met her eyes her eyes still sparkled with excitement and mischief. She still hung her hair down instead of in a tight bun until she hurt her scalp.

Helen leaned forward. "The servants are worried about you. Well, as far as I know Gina, George-"

"He has spoken to you?" Cassandra laughed. "What did he say?"

"He said you asked Mr Hawkins to help me in my studies and to leave you well alone as you had your own affairs well in hand."

Cassandra had stopped reading and eventually put down the book and looked at Helen squarely. "When did he tell you this?"

"He wrote me a letter, about a month ago telling me I should visit you to persuade you otherwise."

Cassandra shook her head muttering something under her breath and turned back to Helen. "I never intended you to find out about this but it was only for the best-"

"So it is true! That you allowed yourself to be caged like this-"

"No." Cassandra interrupted, shaking her head. "No. I am not caged because I know there is a way out of it. When I am eighteen I will inherit the money my father left me and I will use that money to finance my studies. It is better I did it this way."

"Why?"

"Because it's easier this way! Do you know the scandal it would cause? I know we have developed somewhat as a society but it is still...it is still...stuck in the bloody dark ages. I didn't tell you this because I know it would break your heart and I am sorry. I am sorry George told you about this as well."

"And what about Mr Hawkins?"

Cassandra stiffened all over. She looked like she about to close into herself and wanted to move onto another topic. But she knew she wouldn't be able to avoid him now that Helen had brought him up. It was impossible not to since he was the only connection between the two. He was the only one who had been able to make sure that this happened without anyone knowing. She knew if Fredrick found out about Helen's whereabouts and that she had been looked after she didn't know what he'd do. She knew that he was always jealous of the daughters of Xavier. He was never giving him the things he wanted but he was always willing to indulge in their wishes. Wishes which he believed to be above their station. Or above the station of a woman's ambitions. Helen looked her over and resisted showing her that she knew this all along. Any look was enough to set her off. She knew of her sister's fiery temper and she didn't want to provoke it. There was always something about the way that they looked at each other. Even though he was much too older for her she knew some day...She knew that there was something between them. Whenever she mentioned that she had gotten a letter from her he would always be more than hasty about asking her about her welfare. Whether she was being treated well about the Academy. All sorts of things.

Cassandra's head shot up. "What about him?"

"Well every time I get a letter he is always asking after you, how you are, he obviously cares about your welfare very much." Helen snapped.

"My welfare is my concern not his."

"Do you not care about him? About how he worries?" Helen persisted.

Cassandra went cold and looked out the window. "I can't let myself." She murmured. "I can't let myself..."

"What?" Helen demanded.

Cassandra's fiery green eyes shot back at Helen. "Nothing. There's nothing more to be spoken of. Helen..." Both the sisters gazed at one another until Cassandra broke the silence. "I think its best that you leave if this is all you have to say to me."

"Cassie..."

"No." Cassandra stopped her from approaching her with an outstretched hand. "I think it's best that you leave. I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you and this is not a goodbye, but I must ask you to leave for now. I will still write to you...and that is all."

Cassandra surprised herself that she was able to say all of that without bursting into tears. Helen wordlessly left the room leaving Cassandra shaken and heartbroken.

Cassandra watched the carriage drive away with tears falling down her cheeks before she realised that they were there. She gripped onto the window and wanted to cry out to Helen out the window. She wanted to stop her and apologise to her. She wanted her to tell her everything. She wanted to tell her the truth. She wanted to take this burden off her shoulders but she didn't know how she would be able to tell her without hurting Helen. She knew if she did that Helen would up losing everything. They both would. She slumped back in the chair and sobbed into the cushion, not wanting to stir the servants. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. She just wanted to be left alone for now. Never had she felt so much sorrow. The images of her mothers cold, dead eyes, the ship alight and now the leaving of her sister polluted her mind and all together plunged her into a whirlpool of despair. Never had she felt so much hatred towards her brother and Mr Hawkins who had brought this about. If it wasn't for them she would not be so unhappy right now. Nevertheless, she couldn't deny that she loved them both also. Nothing could erase the love which she bore for them.

"Miss?"

Cassandra looked up to find Gina standing before her. She took a step forward but hesitated.

"Cassandra what is wrong?"

Cassandra threw her arms in the air and allowed them to fall down back onto the chair and let out a howl rather than a sob.

"I don't know, Gina. I have done things so wrong. I should never have shouted at him. I shouldn't blame them. I shouldn't have sent her away."

"There, there now." She shushed her as she held her in her arms and rocked her back and forth as she did when Cassandra was a child. "There, there now. All will be well."

"Will it?" She asked in a desperate voice. "Will it, Gina? I've done so many bad things."

"Cass?"

Cassandra looked up to find her sister, Victoria standing by the door staring at her. She had a doll in her hand which looked like she might drop at any moment as her eyes were fixed on her distraught sister.

"Why are you crying?"

Instead of answering her Cassandra got to her feet and made her way to her sister and wrapped her arms around her. She hugged her for longer than she could imagine. She still hugged her after the bell for dinner rang. She still hugged her after the sun went down. She didn't want to let her go because really out of all her family she was all she had left in the world now.

~ (***) ~

Marianne couldn't believe that she was doing this. She was getting herself into another situation where she would have to dress up again and she always hated to do that. Kathy knew she hated corsets more than anything...She must've remembered from their school days that she hated squeezing into those things. She would be the one to pull at the strings while Marianne would have to grip onto the post while she pulled on the strings. She thought it was completely ridiculous and she always did when Kathy would be dragging her to these little events she always thought would be fun when they ended up being not only a waste of her time but also of Kathy's. She was always attending them since she thought it would be a good way to find a new 'benefactor'. However what they mostly found where old, white haired badgers whose breath stank of garlic who were understandably weren't being completely cared for by their wives since the downfalls of the middle-aged period kicked in. Then she could understand why Kathy began to get picky. Then again she could afford to be when someone had a beautiful face such as her own...

She knocked on the door and waited for a moment until a woman with a dirty face and a bonnet falling off her head answered the door. Marianne wasn't at all taken back by such an ugly face, she had seen worse but she expected from the look on the old woman's face that she was used to people recoiling in fear at her appearance. She seemed surprised that Marianne wasn't responding in this way and stepped forward.

"What do you want?" She demanded.

"I came here to see, Ms Gondola?"

"Oh yeah...Come on up."

She was tempted to help the old woman up the stairs but she knew the help wouldn't be welcomed. Before she got to the top she heard a familiar voice call out to her.

"Marie! You're here!"