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Hearts Astray

Chapter 6

Sun poured through the bedroom window as Kathryn packed Brett's belongings into a box. He didn't have much, as most of his things were on his ship, but what he did have she wanted to return to him. Although she felt nothing for him now, it was with an air of sadness that she packed his things away. She had loved him once, enough to want to spend the rest of her life with him, and they had made a precious child together. Never had she thought things would end this way. But as sad as she was for the end of their marriage, for the lost hopes and dreams, she was not going to dwell on what could have been. There was so much to look forward to, so many new hopes and dreams to embrace, and she planned on embracing them.

Suddenly, the door chime played. Kathryn abandoned a model boat that she was putting into the box and went into the lounge. She made her way over to her security monitor, to see who was there, and a quick glance at the small screen told her it was Chakotay and Seven. They had come, just like Chakotay had said they would, and Kathryn was glad. While it hurt to think of him belonging to someone else, she was glad that Chakotay and Seven had found happiness together. Chakotay deserved a woman who would love him loyally and Seven deserved a man who would love her devotedly. In each other, that is what they would get. There was an ache in Kathryn's heart, the ache of unrequited love, but there was no resentment towards Seven. She cared for her as much as she had always cared for her and was eager to see her. Quickly, she pressed the door's open button and then stepped back to greet her guests. As the door slid open, she got her first full glance of Seven and could hardly believe she was the same woman who had left Voyager two years ago. Her silky blonde hair was loose over her shoulders, subtle make-up dusted her now implant free features, twinkling diamonds dangled from her ears, a pretty blue dress hugged her slim figure, and delicate silver shoes graced her feet.

"Hello, Admiral," Seven smiled. "It's good to see you."

Kathryn smiled back and hugged the former drone. "Not half as good as it is to see you!"

Seven hugged her back, perfectly comfortable in doing so.

"And congratulations," Kathryn said as they drew apart. "Chakotay tells me you're married."

"We are," Seven replied.

"Quite a step," Kathryn teased, "for a woman who didn't believe in monogamy."

"Yes," Seven laughed. "But I'm not that woman anymore."

"So I can see. And may I say you look wonderful? Because you do. You look beautiful."

"Thank you. Since the removal of my failsafe device I have fully recovered my humanity and, I'm afraid to say, with that my vanity."

Kathryn smiled. "Nothing wrong with a little vanity, Seven...I mean Annika. Just not too much. At least, that's what I tell myself when I apply make up every morning."

Seven laughed again and Kathryn couldn't help but stare at her. The ex-drone she had known had barely even smiled.

"But as much as the removal of my failsafe device has done for me," Seven said, "it hasn't done as much as you. Without the opportunity you gave me to recover my individuality, and without your guidance, compassion and care while recovering it, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I'm indebted to you, above all others, and I want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me."

Kathryn put her hand on Seven's arm. "There is no debt. It was a privilege to aid you in your journey. And it was not a one way ride. You helped us in our journey too. I'm very proud of everything you've achieved and I'm very proud of the woman you've become."

"Thank you, Admiral."

"Please, call me Kathryn. We're not in a command structure anymore and, well, it will give us both a new name to learn."

"It will," Seven smiled.

Chakotay addressed Kathryn. "How are you today?"

"Good. I feel fine and have got the ball rolling with Brett. I've filed for divorce and should be a free woman by this time next month." She turned to Seven. "I suppose Chakotay's told you what happened."

"Yes," she answered. "I'm sorry."

"Me too. I really thought he was the one, that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. But what's done is past. I'm not going to dwell on what has been, what could have been, or what should have been."

"The best way to be," Chakotay replied. "You have a lot to look forward to."

"I do," Kathryn agreed. "I really do."

"Chakotay's told me about the baby," Seven said. "Congratulations."

"Thank you. I thought it was too late for me, that I'd never have the chance to be a mother, so am absolutely thrilled. It won't be easy, I know, doing it alone, but I'm more than up to the challenge."

"You'll to be a wonderful mother," Seven replied, "just like you were a wonderful mentor. Your baby is very lucky."

"Thank you," Kathryn smiled. "Now, don't stand in the doorway like strangers. Come in. Can I get you both a drink?"

"A coffee would be good," Chakotay said. "Annika?"

"The same," she replied. "Cream, two sugars."

Kathryn laughed. "You two really are well suited." She then pointed at the couch. "Please, sit."

Chakotay and Seven sat next to each other and Kathryn went over to the replicator.

"Have you picked a name for the baby yet?" Seven asked.

"As a matter of fact I have," Kathryn answered. "I'm going to call him James. James Edward Janeway. James, because I like it, and Edward after my father."

"Will you raise him here in San Francisco?" Chakotay asked.

"No," she replied. "I'm going to return to Bloomington. I'll need help with junior so it makes sense to be close to family. My mother still lives there, in the house I grew up in, and my sister lives nearby with her family. I'd also like for junior to have a house with a garden so he has somewhere to play." She brought their coffees over. "You both can have this apartment, if you like. It's in a great spot and is ideal for a working couple."

"It is ideal," Seven answered, "and is just what we're looking for, but unfortunately is in the wrong country. We plan on living in Stockholm. My aunt is my only family and I'd like to be close to her."

"I understand. And when you've found somewhere, I hope I get an invite over. I've never been to Sweden."

"Then consider yourself our first guest," Seven smiled.

Kathryn smiled back and then returned to the replicator to replicate herself a cup of black coffee. "I'm actually hoping to move out soon," she said. "I haven't told my mother or sister, as I don't want to get their hopes up, but I'm going to view a house in Bloomington tomorrow morning. It's a bit run down, but is structurally sound and should be quite easy to restore. Would you like to come, Sev...Annika? I once promised you a tour of my hometown and I always keep my promises."

"I would love to," Seven replied, "but I'm accompanying my aunt to a concert. Your morning is, of course, our evening."

"I confess, I forgot. Must be quite difficult, adjusting to Europe time. Unless, of course, your ship was Europe time."

"It wasn't," Seven answered. "And adjusting is difficult. It was midnight in Sweden when we got back but only afternoon to us. There was no way we could sleep...I sleep now, just a few hours a day....so we stayed up."

"Which was fortunate for me," Kathryn said, leaving the replicator. "But if you haven't slept yet, Chakotay, you must be exhausted."

"I'm ok," he replied. "After seven years on Voyager, I'm used to sleepless nights."

"Our next ship will be Europe time," Seven said, "as we'll be joining a Scandinavian research team."

Kathryn sat in her favorite sofa chair. "How do you like being an astro-archaeologist?"

"I love it. I am also now qualified as I took a degree in astro-archaeology during our trip."

"Congratulations."

Chakotay spoke. "If you'd like some company tomorrow, Kathryn, I'll come with you. I don't have anything planned."

"Then plan to house-view," Kathryn smiled, "because I'd love your company."

Chakotay smiled in return. "Then you have it."

The following morning, Chakotay arrived at Kathryn's apartment just after 9:00 hours and they transported together to Bloomington. Kathryn showed him around her home town, pointing out all her old haunts, and then they went to view the house. It was called Manor House and it stood alone in an overgrown garden that was secluded from the world by tall trees. It was an old house, dating back at least 200 years, and was very gothic looking with four turrets and arched windows. Shabby paint work and broken glass panes gave the house an abandoned, almost spooky feel, but inside the vibe was warm and welcoming. A huge hallway with a grand staircase led to all the rooms in the house and there was also a lift. Downstairs there were two reception rooms, a kitchen, a dining room and a study, and upstairs there were four bedrooms, all ensuite and with their own spiral tower.

In a big bedroom that over looked the back garden, Kathryn admired a faded wall painting while Chakotay looked out at the garden. The painting covered an entire wall and was of teddy bears having a picnic. This room and clearly once been a nursery. With a bit of work, and Phoebe's expertise, it would be easy to restore the picture and have childish eyes adore it once more. Suddenly, as Kathryn moved her eyes over the ghostly picture, it blurred before her as a dizziness overcame her. To keep herself upright, she leant against the wall and waited for it to pass. This had to be a temporal glitch. They had happened twice before. In the weeks before her last injection, she had twice experienced a few minutes of dizzying temporal flux. The Doctor called these episodes 'glitches' that did not, at least for the moment, require treatment. Chakotay, who was leaving the window, saw her suffering and hurried over to her.

"Kathryn? What's wrong?"

"I feel dizzy," she said. "But I'm ok."

"I'll call The Doctor."

"There's no need. It will pass. I get dizzy occasionally. But I could do with a drink. Could you get my flask? It's in my bag, which I've left on a table in the hallway."

"Sure. But let's get you seated first."

He helped her over to the tower's window seat and then went to fetch her bag. As he did, Kathryn leant back against the window and closed her swirling eyes. But the dizziness, the nausea, the headache, they weren't subsiding. If anything, they were getting worse. Then, suddenly, she heard something, something faint in the distance, something like laughter, like laughter in a dream. It was the laughter of children. Their laughter grew louder, surrounded her, and it felt as though they were in the room with her. Kathryn opened her eyes and looked around the misty room but she could see nothing. Yet the laughter echoed still. Then it faded away, faded into nothing, and all was silent.

"I really think we should call The Doctor," Chakotay said as he returned with her bag. "You're deathly pale, Kathryn."

"I'm ok," she said. "I feel better now." It was true, she did. The dizziness and nausea were subsiding and her headache was easing. "But did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Chakotay asked as he sat beside her.

"Laughing...children laughing."

"No," he said.

"I did. It was faint at first, like an echo on the wind, but then it was like they were in the room with me. I could have sworn they were."

"Maybe this house is haunted."

Kathryn smiled. "I don't believe in hauntings."

"Don't be so quick to dismiss them. But it was probably children playing outside. Empty houses carry sound and this is a family neighborhood."

"You're probably right," she said. "It was probably that."

Chakotay pulled her flask out of her bag and opened it. As he did, Kathryn looked out at the garden. It was large and had a huge lawn, a pond, and a patio area. "I so love the garden," she said. "It's wild now, but in my mind I can see it as it could be. I can see a dog running across the lawn, flowers of every color, a stone path that leads to a bird feeder, and a beautifully decked patio area. The pond I can see as an enclosed kiddies sand pit and next to it I can see a swing and slide and other toys."

"Sounds like you've made up your mind," Chakotay said, pouring warm coffee into the flask's cup, "about this house."

"I have," she answered. "I'm taking it. I feel at home here, like I belong here."

"Then you do," he replied. "A house has a soul, I believe that, and it lives and speaks."

He handed Kathryn the cup and she took a drink before speaking.

"I'll secure it today," she said. "As soon as we're out of here. Then I'll get stuck into repairs. Not myself, of course, but professionals. It shouldn't take them long to have this place liveable. Then I'll throw a housewarming party, every house should have one, and invite my family and friends and our Voyager crew. Of course, not every former crew member will be able to come, as most are back in space, but it will be good to see all those who can. I haven't seen Harry or Samantha in two years and I'd love to catch up with them."

"Me too," Chakotay said. "A housewarming party is a great idea."

"I'll have it in the garden, I think. There's more space there. I'll put up a marquee and..."

She stopped talking and dropped the cup in her hands as a terrible pain seized her insides. Then a blackness swirled fell before her eyes and she lost consciousness.

When Kathryn woke up, she found herself lying on a biobed in The Doctor's clinic at Starfleet Headquarters. The Doctor was looking down at her and his face was solemn.

"Welcome back, Admiral," he said.

All was foggy in Kathryn's mind, all confusion. "What happened?"

"You suffered a temporal glitch," he replied.

Everything came flooding back to her now. She remembered being in the house, remembered talking to Chakotay, and remembered the agonizing pain before she passed out. And with that remembrance came a terrible fear.

"The baby," she said. "Is he...is he ok?"

The Doctor was a moment in answering. "I'm afraid you've suffered a miscarriage."

Kathryn shook her head, not wanting to believe it. "But I can't have," she said. "I can't lose him, I can't."

"I'm sorry," The Doctor said again. "The temporal glitch put immense strain on your body and that strain was too much for the baby. I did everything I could but I was unable to save him."

Kathryn closed her eyes, trying to close out the terrible pain, but it wouldn't go away. Her baby was gone, her darling precious baby, and the grief was unbearable.

In a hazy void of pain, Kathryn only vaguely registered Chakotay's arrival in her room. He was talking to The Doctor, or rather The Doctor was talking to him, but what he said she didn't take in. It was only Chakotay's raised voice that brought her out of her trance.

"Brett had better pay for this," he cried. "He had so better pay!"

"The Admiral's miscarriage has nothing to do with the incident the other night," The Doctor replied. "The timing is purely coincidental."

"I can't believe that," Chakotay said. "He beat her black and blue!"

"I wouldn't lie to you, Commander. If the brute was responsible then I'd want him punished as much as you, but he isn't. You have to believe me."

Chakotay was silent for a moment, then he relented. "Ok, Doctor. If you say that is so I accept it."

"I do say it is so."

"Then I accept it."

Then Chakotay was walking over to her and looking down at her.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I'm so deeply sorry."

The words were meant to comfort, his hand on hers was meant to comfort, but they did not.

"If there's anything I can do," he went on, "anything at all, just ask."

Something exploded inside Kathryn now and she climbed off the bed. "There's nothing," she cried, "there's nothing anyone can do. My baby's gone and that's that!"

The Doctor approached. "Would you like me to call your mother or sister?"

"No," she answered. "I don't need them. I just need to go home."

"Very well, I will discharge you." He went over to a trolley, picked up a hypospray, and presented it to her. "Apply this if you experience any pain or discomfort over the next few hours."

Kathryn took the hypospray but did not thank him.

"Your bag," Chakotay said, holding it out to her. "Here."

Kathryn snatched the bag, opened it, and put the hypospray inside. As she did, she saw a leaflet promoting Manor House and she pulled it out. Then she took out her comm device and called the housing agency's message service.

"This is Kathryn Janeway," she said. "I'd like to inform you that I am no longer interested in Manor House. Goodbye."

With that, she broke the connection and put her comm-device back into her bag.

"I truly am sorry about the miscarriage," The Doctor said. "I know how much you wanted the baby."

"Well," she replied, zipping up her bag. "We don't always get what we want, do we? Life is a lottery, Doctor. You should know that. Now, get me a site to site transport."

"As you wish," The Doctor said sadly. He hit his commbadge. "The Doctor to Transporter Room 1. Site to site transport request. Please transport Admiral Janeway home."

A female voice replied. "Request in process."

As the connection terminated, The Doctor put his hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "Take things easy, Admiral. I'll be checking up on you."

"Me too," Chakotay said. "And I really am very sorry."

A transporter beam then engulfed Kathryn and she dematerialized. When she rematerialized, she found herself in the lounge of her apartment. It was raining outside, a soft gray drizzle, and the sky's tears trickled down the windows. Kathryn wished they were her tears, wished she could cry for the baby she had loved so much but would now never know, but she couldn't. The pain was so great that she was almost numb to it. Numb to everything. Then, on her coffee table, she saw her baby's photo-scan. Slowly, painfully, Kathryn went over to it and picked it up. As she gazed at his tiny little form, she remembered the life she'd seen in him, the heartbeat she'd heard, and an agony filled her soul that overwhelmed her. Clutching his photo to her chest, she let out a cry of despair, and then curled up on the couch as the tears and the sobs of unbearable grief finally came.

END OF CHAPTER 6