Author's Note: Hey guys! Sorry for the long delay between updates. We were very tired of writing after having to do multiple papers for Finals. We just needed to focus on those and then take a break.

BUT! Now that it is Winter Break, we fully intend to be writing like maniacs. Our goal is to FINISH HERO IS A CHEAP LABEL. That's right! We want to finish this guy off. There's only going to be 20 chapters, and we don't foresee any new plot twists, so it should be done in 4 chapters!

We'll continue adding to Minivan Escapades, because we love it dearly, and we know you guys do too. We'll probably have one more contest, just before the end, so be prepared.

With that said, let's get this ball rolling again!

Disclaimer: Nothing is owned by us. But, we DO have fabulous new haircuts! We own those.

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Chapter 15: Something Witty and Clever

Marie stretched and yawned, tugging on her shirt. She didn't know how long it had been, but she was getting tired of being underground. It was always dark and she missed the sunlight. Everything seemed better in the sun.

She waited for Evie to finish dressing and pondered. She and Evie had been all over Martello and Ninja for some time, probably a few weeks if she were to guess. It took that much to stop the awkward stares from the other warriors around them.

She had no doubt that being alone with the other fighters was becoming a worse and worse idea. Particularly when it came to Camo. Marie frowned, fussing with her hair. It was getting too long.

Camo was becoming a serious problem. She knew that he watched her and Evie. She had felt the stares more than once. Several times she had turned around, only to find him right there, close to her. He followed her and Evie around, when he wasn't in the tunnels.

"Seriously creepy."

Evie blinked, looking over at Marie. "Who or what is seriously creepy?"

Marie sighed. "Camo."

Evie nodded sagely. "Ah. Yes, yes. He is. Best to keep an eye on that one."

Marie hummed in agreement, then grabbed up her things as Evie picked up hers. The two began walking towards the exit, to head back to their cave. Marie hesitated as she caught a glimpse of something moving out of the corner of her eye.

Camo had been waiting for them. He reached out, grabbing the back of Marie's neck, and lifted her up. Marie screamed, flailing wildly, as her belongings fell from her arms to the ground.

Evie shrieked and charged, desperate to save her partner. Camo spotted her coming and backhanded her, sending her flying a small distance away.

Camo turned and pinned Marie to the wall by her neck. He held her with enough force that she felt her throat being constricted. It was hard to breath. She gasped, desperate for air, clawing at the large hand holding her in place.

Camo gazed at her, quirking his head, before he reached out with his other hand and tore the front of Marie's shirt. Marie barely managed to make an indignant squeak as her torso became exposed to the cold tunnel air.

Leaning in, Camo gazed at Marie, almost curiously. Reaching out, he appeared ready to continue his vendetta against Marie's clothing. Fortunately, Evie had recovered enough by this time to send a rather sizeable rock flying through the air, slamming hard into Camo's helmet.

The warrior reached up, trying to stop the vibrations the rock had sent through his helmet, as he turned to face Evie, loosening his grip on Marie. Taking her opportunity, Marie snatched at one of her knives. With a snarl, she plunged the five inch blade deep into Camo's shoulder, just above his collar bone and below his neck.

With a thunderous roar, Camo dropped Marie, reaching towards the knife lodged in his upper torso. Marie landed with a solid thud, and she was automatically on the move, rolling away into a crouch and sprinting towards Evie.

The girls darted away, legs pumping, flying across the uneven stone, desperate to escape. The tell tale crashes of Camo's footsteps resounded behind them and the girls put on an extra burst of speed.

Unfortunately, Camo was still faster. He reached out and snagged the back of Marie's shirt, dragging her backwards. Screaming, Marie charged forward, shrugging out of the remains of her shirt, left in just her bra.

Evie waved to Marie, calling to her. "Marie! Come on! We can't stay down in the cave! Let's try and get up this pillar here! I think he's too big to get up it!"

Marie nodded, panting. She hated running. Evie had already begun scaling the spiraling stalagmite, and was several feet in the air by the time Marie began to follow her.

The two climbed quickly, leaving Camo on the ground. They finally stopped when they were twenty feet up. Clinging for their lives, the girls trembled, watching the warrior below them. He was too big to get his hands and feet in the cracks that Marie and Evie had used to climb up.

Nodding, Camo wrapped his massive arms around the pillar and began scooching up the stalagmite slowly, using his sheer muscle strength to keep him going. It was slow progress, but effective.

Marie and Evie screamed for help; the noise echoing around them. The two began pulling out chunks of rock, flinging them towards the slowly advancing alien. He would stop momentarily, shake his head, and then continue on up.

Then, Camo was being dragged back down, away from the girls. Blinking, Marie and Evie watched as their rock flinging buddy and the yellow brown one pulled Camo down to the ground. The two smaller warriors began speaking to Camo and it sounded like a distinctly angry conversation.

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D'bravko was less than happy. He and A'no'kur had been trying to find the new women, and had been rather perturbed to find Ta'adwa harassing said females. It was not a favorable position to be found in, considering the Elder Zulfaqar's fondness for Ooman women. Tvrtko and Dho'mago'te wouldn't be pleased either. It was simply not a good idea.

So, when the two slightly smaller Yautja were able to drag Ta'adwa off the stone pillar, both were distinctly irritated. D'bravko spoke first. He felt the most defensive towards the new women, since they were a great way to break up the monotony. Drawing himself up, he rumbled low in his chest. "Ta'adwa. What are you doing? You know those females are off limits, as stated by the Elder."

The broad giant quirked his head. "Trying to see what's so interesting about Oomans."

A'no'kur stiffened. "Why would you feel the need to do such a thing?"

Ta'adwa crossed his arms. "The Elder has his Ooman women. Now, the Elder allows more Oomans in, and protects them. These things must have some interest to them, or else he would not bother. I wish to understand what makes these things special."

D'bravko growled. "You do not need to explore these things. The Elder gave an order. Either accept it and obey it, or challenge him officially. Now, leave this place. It's almost your turn for patrol."

Ta'adwa stood quietly for a bit and both D'bravko and A'no'kur were concerned he would attempt a fight. Now was not the time or place for such things. But, the burly warrior simply turned and walked away, vanishing into the tunnels.

D'bravko sighed, as he looked up towards where the Ooman women were hiding. The two were staring down at him, clearly startled and bewildered. If this wasn't such a serious situation, he would find their small, squishy facial expressions amusing.

Grunting, A'no'kur crossed his arms. "So. How do we get them down? We must return them to their cave soon."

Circling around the pillar, D'bravko contemplated this conundrum. Then, he reached down, picked up a small rock, and tossed it up, bopping the shorter one on the head. She made a strange yowling noise and flailed an arm his direction.

D'bravko grinned behind his mask. The one Dho'mago'te called Dai'za'te was definitely an enjoyable creature to be around. He flung another rock and she repeated her actions, before looking down at him. Her face changed again, rapidly, into the strange teeth baring grimace he had come to associate with her good moods.

She jabbered to the other one, Tvrtko's pet, before Dai'za'te began to clamber down. The other yelled, then grumbled and slowly followed. As Dai'za'te hit the floor, she faced D'bravko, seeming to size him up.

D'bravko gazed down at her, enjoying watching her face change. Oomans had so many expressions they could make. Finally, Dai'za'te strode up to him, nodded, and punched him lightly on the arm.

It was clearly meant as a gesture of camaraderie, and so he punched her back. This had the unfortunate effect of knocking Dai'za'te over into her partner, Faru'qi. They landed in a tangle of limbs and shrieks. Wincing, D'bravko noted, once again, that Oomans were small and weak, and he shouldn't hit them at the force he would a fellow Yautja.

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Zulfaqar was not pleased. D'bravko and the other one, A'na'kar?, had given him a disturbing report. He did not approve of the fact that Ta'adwa was questioning his judgment. Perhaps a beat down was in order. It would be good for morale.

He sat with Dho'mago'te, Tvrtko, D'bravko, and that last one. Clacking his teeth, he began. "I have learned that there is dissent about your Oomans, Tvrtko. Dho'mago'te. Something needs to be done about this. My suggestion? Just claim them officially. You really are just dancing about the issue."

D'bravko sighed. "That won't work. The others will simply challenge Tvrtko and Dho'mago'te for them if they really desire the women."

Elder Zulfaqar looked taken aback. "They never did with ME."

Shaking his head, A'no'kur addressed his father. "That's because you're an Elder."

Nodding, Zulfaqar contemplated this. "Yes, yes… Thank you, Na'nawonk. Any other suggestions?"

Dho'mago'te was sitting silently, thinking over the options. "We cannot leave them alone. Perhaps they can come in the tunnels with us? They have healed and can fight."

The elder waved the idea away. "Not possible. This is OUR hunt."

The five sat in silence for some time, each one thinking as hard as they could for ways to keep the tiny Oomans safe. Finally, Tvrtko spoke. "It seems our only option is to have one of us near them at all times. It will be inconvenient, but I see no other solution."

The others stared at the floor or the walls. Slowly, one by one, each of them nodded. It was the only solution. Elder Zulfaqar took charge. "Well, if that is the case, we must make shifts to watch them in. I will ensure that you are on separate shifts, so that two of you are with the women at all times. I must go and work this out with my second. Until I call for you, carry on with your business."

As Zulfaqar swept out of the room, the other four stood. Dho'mago'te sighed. "These things just seem to get more and more complicated."

Tvrtko snorted. "And I blame YOU for that."

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Marie and Evie lounged around the floor, bored out of their minds. Sighing, Evie rolled onto her back. "Hey."

Marie, busy braiding her hair, sighed. "What?"

"What should we call them?"

"Who?"

"Those two guys. You know. Rock flinger and that other guy."

Marie stretched, also turning onto her back. "Hm. Well, rock flinger is Bravo."

"Why?"

"Cus. That's what it sounds like to me when they say his name."

Evie nodded. "Fair enough. Then, I say the other one is Anchor."

Marie thought on this, tapping her fingers on the ground, then bobbed her head in acceptance. "Cool. Works for me. But, what should we call the Elder?"

"I'm not calling him Hotrod, that's for sure."

Both girls made a face at the thought. Sighing, Marie began messing with Evie's hair. "Well, how about Elder Pimp?"

"Eh. I guess that would work. He does have a harem."

Marie giggled. "Besides, all he needs is a pimp hat and a pimp cane, and he's ready to rumble. He already has a pimp cape."

Evie snickered. "Keep yo' pimp hand strong, Elder Pimp!"

Shadows loomed over them and the girls stopped their laughter, as they looked up at Martello and Ninja. Sighing, Evie sat up. "Well, I guess it's time to get down to business, na?"

Marie rolled onto her stomach and let out a puff of air. "I guess. I don't wanna."

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Marie sighed. She didn't mind having her hair stroked. That wasn't the issue at hand. It was that she wasn't comfortable with the person DOING the petting. It was just so personal. She didn't feel that her relationship with Martello was to the hair petting stage yet.

She was lounging in Martello's lap, while he had an arm loose around her waist and his hand would occasionally find its way into her hair. She didn't know why he was still so fascinated with it after this long.

At least she had entertainment. Marie watched through mostly closed eyes as Evie stalked about the edges of the main cavern, hunting for Ninja, who had cloaked himself to hide from her and her insistence that he cuddle with her.

After some time, Bravo waved Evie over. She trotted to him and he made a casual gesture at a place along the wall she hadn't checked yet. Marie's eyes slid shut as Martello found a particularly nice spot on the back of her scalp to gently scratch at. If she could purr, she would.

As Marie opened her eyes, she watched as Evie lunged, seeming to latch onto a random piece of air. Evie crowed in victorious delight, even as she was being flailed about through the air by an invisible Ninja, who was attempting to dislodge her and run away again.

Evie scowled. "WHY must you be so difficult about this? I like it just about as much as you do. We just gotta deal with this until we can get outta dodge. Now, stop this nonsense!"

After some time, Ninja uncloaked and allowed Evie to lead him to the random group around the fire. Ninja sat and Evie settled beside him, leaning into his side. Ninja turned to face Bravo and gave him a look of utter loathing and suffering.

Marie chuckled. "Good job, Evie. Keep it up and one day you may not HAVE to hunt him down. Much."

Scowling, Evie made a face at Marie. "Well, maybe next time, I can be the one that just sits and gets petted and YOU can try and find this jerk."

Marie yawned. "Sorry. That's not how it works."

Evie sniffed and began to sulk. Seeming to sense her distress, Ninja looked down at the woman at his side. Then, awkwardly, he patted her on the head gently.

Evie cringed. "I HATE being patted…"

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Evie darted around a corner, hiding in a small cavern in the wall. She listened carefully as the footsteps increased, then faded. She had found this hiding spot awhile ago, and had been waiting to use it until the proper time. THIS was the proper time.

Sighing, she slipped back out of the hole and began walking silently away from her follower. She and Marie had gotten VERY irritated recently. They didn't appreciate being followed and watched every moment of every day.

"Treating us like damn two year olds, that's what. Well, try and watch us NOW." Evie huffed, crossing her arms. She knew that Bravo, Anchor, Ninja, and Martello didn't mean any harm by it. They were keeping her and Marie safe. But it was tiresome.

Continuing her rambling walk, Evie struck a pose. "Marie and I are full grown WOMEN! We have been on our own for YEARS! We don't need BABYSITTING. I mean, REALLY."

Evie peered up and down the tunnel, double checking the trail she had carefully laid to guide her back to the main cavern. Nodding, she continued on. It would be nice to have some time alone. Even Marie was grating on her a bit. She needed her alone time. And some sun wouldn't be bad, either.

"I'm sick of this… Living like gorram MOLE PEOPLE."

She stopped her walking, quirking her head, listening. She would swear she had heard something. Perhaps a shift in the air, or the slightest scuff of a foot on the ground. But, in a flash, she knew she wasn't alone.

Whirling about with a yell, she slammed her fist into an approaching object. Her arm was grabbed, though, and she was hauled upwards. She began thrashing, kicking, flailing wildly. She looked up at her captor. It was Camo.

She stared in vague horror at the hideous, crab like face staring down at her. The yellow eyes, the mandibles, the face and head that were so damnably ALIEN. While the warriors had their helmets on, she could forget what they were. She couldn't handle this.

"LET ME GO! MARIE! NINJA! HELP!"

Her screams echoed in the caverns as she fought. The panic was rising in her throat, dread filling the pit of her belly. Her movements were wild. She couldn't think. She just wanted to get away. Run. Flee. Escape.

But Camo's grip was firm. She couldn't pry his fingers off of her wrist. The other hand reached out, capturing the one free hand she had. Easily, he held both of her wrists in his one hand. Evie's panicked thrashing increased.

Evie's screams continued resounding in the hollow air.

"HELP!"

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Marie padded along, vaguely lost. Grumbling to herself, she trudged onwards, hoping that she wasn't getting herself more lost.

"I KNEW I should have listened to Evie. Shoulda marked my way back. I was busy! I didn't have time to stop and mark my way. I mean, really. I'm slower than her! Maybe we shouldn't have split up…"

Marie's steps slowed as she came to a branching of the tunnels. She quieted herself and listened. She could usually tell the sounds of the main cavern from any other, and get back all right. But, something else assaulted her senses.

It was faint. Echoing. But it was screaming. It was Evie. She would know that voice any time, any place. Marie's body went stiff. Why would Evie be screaming? Was she under attack? Hurt? Dying?

Marie charged down the tunnel furthest to the right. She followed the sounds of the screams as best she could. Sometimes she had to back track, having gone the wrong way. She had never felt so lost. The echoes of the screams saturated the air, haunting her.

She knew it would be no good to try calling back. The extra echoes would confuse her, get her lost even more. So, she ran on, heart pounding, terror fueling every stride.

Finally, the screams began sounding more real, and less like echoes. Charging forward, Marie pulled one of her knives. She knew she wasn't supposed to stab anyone without due cause, and that she had been asked to leave her blades behind. Fat chance of that. She refused to go out unarmed.

The knife felt good in her hand as she turned a corner. In an instant, she absorbed what she saw and wanted to retch in horror. Camo had Evie. He was TOUCHING her. Evie was still thrashing, screaming, trying to keep him from her. Her top was torn, hanging from Evie's shoulders. Camo was reaching towards her jeans, his intent clear.

Marie saw red. NO ONE touched Evie. She had promised Evie. She had to protect Evie. That was all that mattered. She didn't slow her running. Camo began to turn, hearing Marie's steps. With a snarl, Marie sunk both of her blades deep into the warriors body. One in the side, just under his ribs, the other right next to his spine, aiming for the kidneys.

Camo roared, swinging his free arm towards Marie, to smack her away. But, Marie was already pulling her knives from him, dragging them down and out as she slid between his legs, rolling to stand between Evie and the monster.

In a flash, the knives darted towards Camo's unprotected torso and stomach. Camo dropped Evie, in order to step back in time, away from the deadly edges. Marie managed to score a shallow slash across his stomach.

Evie sprawled on the floor, panting, trying to recover. Marie was in a crouch, a rumbling growl coming from her throat. Camo gazed at Marie, clearly wary. The two circled each other, watching. Evie pulled herself to the wall, trying to stand on wobbly legs.

Camo broke the slow dance first. Roaring, he charged Marie, who was ready for him. She darted out of the way, slipping under his reaching arms. She got another stab into his chest, then she crouched, darted her other knife towards the back of his knee.

Sensing the danger, Camo dropped to one knee, allowing the knife to rake across the back of his thigh and up to his hip, avoiding having his tendon sliced, which would have crippled him completely. But, he failed to notice that Evie had recovered.

Before he could defend himself, Evie brought a large rock, about the size of her head, down on top of his. Camo wobbled, not expecting the blow to his cranium, but Evie didn't give him time to recover, bringing the stone down on his head once more.

The second blow sent him toppling over. He was still conscious, but unable to recover properly. Evie brought the rock down on his head once more, while Marie went in for the kill, knives ready to rip his belly open from crotch to sternum.

A roar resounded in the close quarters, halting Marie and Evie's death blows. Turning and staring, they saw the Elder striding down the cavern, cape billowing with every step. He reached them, staring intently at the weapons raised against Camo.

Marie scowled. "Due cause! Due cause! Can't get mad at me for stabbing him!"

Evie was quiet and gently set her rock to the side. The two girls scooched away from the unconscious warrior as the Elder leaned down and picked up his subordinate by his neck. The girls stood and Marie sidled closer, tapping the Elder on his arm. He looked down at her and she smiled.

Holding up one of her knives so the Elder could see, Marie waved it at Camo. "So. Can I stab him again? Just one more time, I swear."

Elder Pimp quirked his head. Then, after a moment, he nodded. Marie giggled, then buried one of her knives deep into Camo's upper thigh. After twisting it around for a few moments, she dragged it back out, slowly. She nodded, pleased.

Elder Pimp patted Marie's shoulder, before walking away, carrying Camo easily in one hand. Marie made her way towards Evie, who was curled in a ball on the floor. Crouching down, Marie reached out and gently touched Evie's face.

Evie looked up to Marie, tears glittering in her eyes. "He… He tried to…"

"Shh… It's all right. I won't let him touch you again. I'll protect you. Always."

Marie sat for a long time, holding Evie as she shivered. Evie had many bruises and a few shallow cuts from Camo's nails. For the most part, she was fine. But this couldn't go on. It wasn't safe. Marie swallowed, more terrified than she'd been in a long time. What if she hadn't gotten there in time? What if there was a next time?

Evie broke the dark silence of the tunnels. "We can't stay here anymore. They'll keep coming. We're not safe."

Marie nodded, then helped Evie up. Together, the two women warriors trudged back to their cavern, quietly contemplating the steps they could take.