Disclaimer: Not mine.
Hermione's Son
Chapter 14
Hermione bought herself a set of robes that year when she took Hugh to Diagon Alley to buy his Hogwarts supplies. Although she had promised him she would look the part of a respectable witch, she balked at the price and finally settled on a used set, all the while thinking of Molly and how she had done the same. Unlike the other short day- trips, they had made, this time they dragged his trunk along planning to spend the night, sending him off to Hogwarts in the morning. Telling him only that they would make an entire day of it, she had taken rooms at the Cauldron. Much to his delight and after a quick trip to the streets of London, where she posted another letter to Dr. Mueller, she then told Hugh the day was his.
"I've been thinking," she said, watching him from the corner of her eye as they walked down the pavement. "You need to learn to budget your own money. It's something I didn't know about until Mum and Dad were gone and I won't have that happen to you. It's time you had your own vault."
"Why?" He frowned, looking at her strangely and stopped walking. "Are you sick?"
"Merlin, no. I didn't mean it like that. I just think it would be good for you. I'll put what I would normally send into your account instead. You have the choice to make it last or have it all gone the first time you go into Hogsmeade. I'll show you how to work out a budget. It's hard to stick to it, but you're old enough to give it a go."
"Wh...what happens if I run out?"
"You don't eat chocolate until you come home and forget about sneaking a butterbeer."
"Perhaps we should discuss this logically and not act in haste."
"Now you sound like Snape." She laughed seeing his neck begin to turn red, silently glad he was taking up more Snape-isms as she called them, and less Mica-isms. "You do know the other students may find it…odd that he took you to the game. You may take a teasing. Are you ready for it?"
"He told them it was because I was Know-It-All Granger's little brother and that since you are some sort of hero around here he thought it fitting. Only then, he told me to shut up and not repeat it. It was okay through. Longbottom brought a fifth year that Snape didn't like so he told him to shut up all the time. Even more than me."
"I see, Snape at his finest." She couldn't help but grin as they climbed the steps to Gringotts' door. They walked between the new security- columns and Hermione paused to describe the changes to the building since she had first seen it. She pulled the door open and stepped back for him to enter first. At once, goblins surrounded them and blocked their path, shouting out orders for them not to move until their security force was present.
"M…Sis?" Hugh stepped backwards, getting as close to her as he could. "We can just forget it. I don't need my own…really….this isn't a good idea."
"Oh good Merlin," she said, waving off the goblins as she glared at them. "Fine, fine…take my wand. Hugh, give them your wand."
"Why?"
"You are a Granger." The tallest of the goblins grabbed it out of his hand before snatching Hermione's as well. "You are lucky we allow you in at all. You are not wanted here."
"Listen here…"Hermione started, only to be cut off by the supervisor, a nattily dressed goblin that strutted in front of the others, pushing them out of his way.
"State your business." He peered over his spectacles, glaring up at her, his mouth curled into a crooked sneer.
"This is Mr. Hugo Granger. He is here to open an account."
The Goblin leaned toward Hugh, clicking his tongue and shaking his head. "A Granger?" he asked, turning his glare to Hermione. "Doesn't look like a Granger. Doesn't walk like a Granger. Take this pretender away. He can wait with you. Outside."
"Fine," Hermione grabbed Hugh's wand and held out her hand for her own. "Now."
"Sis, it's okay. I don't need an account. Really. I don't even need chocolate…or…Ummm…butterbeer."
Stepping outside she watched as the goblins closed and locked the door behind them. "Don't ask." She sat down to wait, Hugh joining her on the top step.
"Are they always like that?" Hugh asked after what seemed an excessive wait.
"No. I imagine only to me and Potter." She felt her face begin to burn and turned her head from him, trying not to laugh. "It would be better if you didn't mention this to your Headmaster. Do you know how to use a wand to pay for things?"
"Yeah, but why are they…Why did he call me that? Does he know who my…"
"No, he's acting like a prat to impress the others," Hermione said, chewing her lip as she thought what to tell him. "Goblins, as you will learn in your third year, have a way of …looking at the world…differently. They don't trust us and I must say I trust them less the longer I sit on this step."
"Why did they want us out here?"
"It's a long story." She heard the door open and looked behind her in time to see Hugh's key levitate out the opening and into his lap. "There," she stood and brushed off her jeans, "you do remember my list? Yes? Put this on it as well."
"Wh…what just happened?" He whispered walking backwards, keeping his eyes on the bank.
"You opened your account."
"You're joking," he grinned and turned, falling in step with her. "They hate you. Did you see the way he looked at you?"
"Yeah, well…they'll get over it. It may take them a few hundred years, but they will. What do you say we eat dinner here too? That or in London. Where to? Your choice."
Hugh decided he wanted to eat at the Cauldron again and despite Hermione's misgivings, she finally relented. She remembered the nighttime crowd was a little rougher than what had been there at lunch and knew that if they waited until later to eat the normally sedate dining room would closer resemble an American Muggle bar than the typical English Pub.
They had an easy time finding a table and ordering the daily special, they were served in a matter of minutes. Hermione crossed the supplies they had already acquired off the list and added up the cost as they ate. She was quite pleased to find the cost this year much lower than the previous one and chalked up to the savings to the price of the wand and the dress robes that she was having let out and lengthened rather than buy new.
"It looks like you will have a little more spending money this year," she said, putting the note pad away. "We still need to make another trip to the book shop. There's a couple of Muggle books I want you to read as well as one on my old Headmaster I want to pick up. They used to carry the classics. If they have them in the used section we may even have enough for that broom you were drooling over by the hols."
Hugh kicked her under the table and grinned as he jerked his head toward the door. Looking where he had indicated she saw Severus with the same witch she had first seen at the station. "It's not polite to stare."
"You think she's pretty?" Hugh asked openly watching every move the comely witch made. "You should have seen how she dressed at the games. Mica said she was hot. I wanted to sit up with the staff but we had the cheap seats. Snape wouldn't even sneak me up there."
"Eyes on the table."
"Well? Do ya?"
"No. She's…no. And those seats were not cheap. He spent more than I just did on all your supplies. I hoped you thanked him. It wouldn't hurt to send a note you know."
"The guys do, think she's built. They all say she's…"
"That's enough. Remember my list? She's at the top. Now, eat or go to bed. Anyway, that's no way to talk about any woman, witch or not. I'll not have it. Not her, not a stranger you pass on the pavement. Got it?"
Hermione pushed her food around on her plate trying to forget that they were sitting behind her, which became increasingly difficult as the witch's laugh kept filling the air. Thinking how unlike it was of Snape to be with a woman who sounded like a teenage girl gigging at the Yule Ball, she finally threw down her spoon in disgust. She could not fathom why he had wanted so badly to avoid her at the Quidditch game only to show up with her at dinner. Wizards, she thought, pigs. Having a witch on their arm was fine unless it interfered with their precious Quidditch and what she imagined was his penchant for betting on the games outcome.
"What's wrong?" Hugh asked, his own spoon poised over his pudding.
"Nothing, just eat so we can get out of here."
She crossed her arms and watched as he ate. She should have worn a dress, she thought. Jeans and yet another hooded tee made her look like an unkempt idiot. She stabbed her spoon into her pudding and glared at Hugh, urging him to eat faster. She should have at least tied her hair back, she thought, hearing the laughter again, or put on make up. She could count on one hand the number of times she had worn a dress since moving to Spinner's End and the number of times she had paid to have her hair done. Not once, she snorted. Tugging down the hem of her tee, she looked down at her frayed cuffs thinking it was perhaps time to give up comfort for some semblance of adulthood ,if not the dreaded look like a girl that would have pleased her Mum.
"You jealous or something?"
"Of what? No…of course not! Why would I be jealous of that?" Her upper lip curled and a look of disgust covered her face.
"We can trade if you want my pumpkin instead. You like pumpkin?"
"Oh," Hermione looked down at her raspberry tart. "No, I guess I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."
Hugh finished his plate in two bites and jumped up, his cheeks crammed full as he chewed. "Hugh, you really have to quit doing that." Hermione sighed as she put money on the table to cover the meal and enough for the server.
"Hi, Headmaster," he shouted out, earning Hermione's hiss to be quiet. "Come on, Sis. You said I should tell him thanks again."
Having no choice, other than fleeing and calling even more attention to herself, Hermione followed him to the table and politely held out her hand at Snape's introduction of Professor Amanda Brown. As the buxom witch took her hand, all Hermione could do was wish she'd had a manicure, hiding her hands in her pockets as soon as Amanda was finished.
"Hermione Granger? That Miss Granger?" Professor Brown said with a hint of laughter in her voice. "My, I pictured you … differently. I have heard so much about you and the pictures I have seen make you look…almost pretty. You photograph very well. However, you were much younger in the photos I imagine, so I really should not be surprised."
"So sorry to disappoint you," Hermione said evenly, hearing Snape's soft chuckle. "I understand you have taken a temporary position at Hogwarts."
"No, not temporary at all," Amanda said, cutting her eyes to Severus and smiling.
"Really?" Hermione turned slowly and cocked an eyebrow at Severus. "How is your retention of DADA instructors going?"
"It is well, Miss Granger. We have had the same instructor for several terms."
"That's wonderful," she said flatly. "Perhaps the curse will move on to a different department. If I can be of assistance in that, please, by all means, let me know."
"Sis," Hugh whined.
"Since term starts tomorrow I need to have a word with you," Hermione said, glad that she had managed to replace the laughter she had seen in his eyes to a scowl, all trace of humour gone. "I understand this may be a bad time as you are tot tending. However, it is important that I see you before your return to Hogwarts. Alone. Please."
Severus stood, telling Amanda he would be back shortly and followed Hermione to the back. As Hugh ran ahead with orders to wait at the bookshop, Snape and Hermione began to walk slowly behind him.
"First, yes, I know I was rude to her. You may give her my apology- or not- as you see fit. She's a tart. Younger indeed. Almost pretty…what does almost pretty mean? Did she just say I was ugly? And- how old does she think I am? Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. After all, it's not as if I have to like her just because you're up her…seeing her. Now you know why I never had a bevy of girlfriends. I hate prissy witches and the games they play all sweet and nice then act like that."
"I see," Severus said, keeping his expression unreadable as he nodded in agreement. "Unlike how you acted. I understand completely."
"Shut up, Snape. Second…if you need to contact me…if there is an emergency with Hugh…I have taken a room in Diagon for the next two weeks. I was going to talk to you at the station tomorrow, but this is better. I would rather Hugh not know. He might worry and he needs to concentrate on his lessons."
"I see," he said, looking down the pavement seeing Hugh disappear into the bookshop. "I take it you are still bent on completing this…this book."
"Yes, partially. I want to stop in at some of the museums in town. Perhaps Mueller wasn't the only one that captured that bastard on canvas. I thought the Imperial War Museum would be a good place to start. If he was where Mueller claims he was, when he was, he could have been involved in the Holocaust. It wouldn't surprise me and may explain where he … where he practiced his depravities. I've been too focused on Germany and need to start branching out to the neighbouring countries. How's your Polish?"
"Abysmal, as is my Yaghan. I only mention this as if you keep this up you may have difficulties when you get that far."
"That's not funny," she said, looking up quizzically. "You were joking weren't you? About knowing Yaghan?"
"The only way I have found to make you stop talking as you were in third year potions is to take your mind off of the topic. In that it had the intended affect," he said, sighing deeply. "You are chewing your lip."
"Shut up Snape, I'm getting there." She stopped walking, moving off the main pavement where they could talk and not be in the way. "Ever since I came back from Germany …since my little fiasco in St. Mungo's…it's getting worse. I saw my Healer who thinks I would benefit by coming in."
"Drop the research. There is little you can find that will change anything and what you do will only make you …"
"No," she said, cutting him off."People deserve to have their stories told. I also think I know what happened to Mueller and Harry that they could both see into Riddles mind. If I'm correct, I want the Ministry to comb through every fucking book they have on the dark arts and burn anything to do with split souls. Any reference, to any kind of tampering with souls, should be locked up forever or destroyed. And just so you know…Riddle got it wrong with Mueller's mother…the Inferi…he had help. He must have had. He was still young, still had not contacted any of the magical librarians outside of the schools. I know because I checked. I also checked where he could have found the information…we know he didn't get it right from Slughorn…he had to have contacted someone. I need to find out who and where he is."
"Stop. You need to stop this fanatical search you are on." He gripped her upper arms and forced her to look at him. "It is over. When will you let it go? Do you plan to waste your life on this...this…folly? Do you plan to make yourself ill for it? I must ask you, Hermione, to let it go."
"That is not your decision. I am only asking you to keep an eye on Hugh as any other guardian of a Hogwarts student has the right to do. You, as Headmaster, need to know where to reach me in case of an emergency."
"I do wish you well. I hope you put your demons to rest and can move on from this misguided mission you find yourself compelled to follow. I fear reaching your goal will not be the happy victory you think."
"The other day Hugh dropped a glass and I flew into a rage. A bloody glass and I would have hurt him if I'd had something in my hand."
"You wouldn't hurt him. I have seen you with him. Do you still think this …this quest you are on is not affecting you? I will insist you stop. If you continue…I will…"
"Insist? Who are you to insist on anything to do with me?"
"As you said, I am the Headmaster at a school your brother attends. As such if I perceive something that may be harmful to one of my students, unlike the previous Headmasters, I will step in."
"I didn't know him. I didn't know who he was. I heard glass shatter and almost ...that's when I owled the Healer. Severus, I didn't know him," she said, swiping her sleeve over her eyes. "I imagined he was Voldemort. I can't go on like this. Just …just…just watch out for him, please. I'm afraid of what is happening. I'm afraid I won't make it this time. I have trouble breathing, I can't eat, I can't sleep." She wiped her eyes and tried to laugh. "Fuck it Snape…I keep hearing that bloody old man in my head. It's as if he's inside my head and I can't make him shut the fuck up. He keeps asking me the same thing over and over."
He pulled her into his chest and held her while she sobbed into his robes. Once she quieted and pulled away, he tipped her chin up. "What else do you need?"
"Only that. Only that I know someone is there if he needs it." She smiled thinly and wiped her face with her hands. "He doesn't have anyone else. Just me…isn't that a joke? I can't even get dressed most mornings and I am all he has. I should have listened to you when you said there were families that would take him."
"I was wrong."He placed the tips of his fingers on her lips to silence her. "I was wrong about several things."
"Were you? I'm not so sure. He should have a mother and a father with a stable home life. Not this. He had a good life with my parents. Now…what can I offer him? Me? Hiding up at Spinner's End? No friends, no family? I should have let Mary take him like Mum wanted. She knew I couldn't do it...she knew it. So did you. That day in the kitchen, you said there were people that would take him. He never would have found out I was his mother if I hadn't dragged him off and opened my mouth. I should have told him I couldn't watch him and given him away."
Severus lifted his arm and threw a cloaking spell around them before pulling her close again, letting her cry. When she stopped, he wiped her face with his handkerchief, chuckling when she swatted away his hand and did it herself.
"I've kept you long enough. You should get back to your witch."
Severus soft chuckle made her lift her head and look at him. "She is not my witch."
"I see," she muttered, pushing her hair back from her face. "I keep forgetting that you don't want one."
"Hermione, now is not the …""
"I'm scared."
"You have been so for a long time now. A very long time. It is time you faced it."
"Not like this. I saw something…something I must have forgotten."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, you've done enough. Truly, I feel better knowing he has someone to watch over him. He looks up to you. All he talks about is you taking him to the game. Oh, I opened an account for him at Gringotts. He shouldn't need anything…but, just in case. He has five years left in Hogwarts, I have enough in my account for that. Potter may take him during the summer if this goes wrong. Would you ask him if it does?"
"No, you will watch him yourself, that or I."
"You'll watch him …in case?" She felt her eyes fill with tears as he nodded. "Gods, that takes so much off my mind. I was so worried about it. You are good for him, Severus. I don't know what I would have done without you. Dragged him back to the states I imagine. I once thought of doing that."
Seeing her visibly relax, he took her hand and tucked it into his elbow as they began to walk again. "Incidentally, I must say, I am surprised the goblins let you in. From what Potter says his wife has to do their banking."
"Shut up, Snape. There are certain things Hugh does not need to know about. His mother breaking into a bank is one of them. Gods, he called me Mum and then I go do this."
"You do understand if we made a complete list of what you keep out of bounds, the boy would have nothing he is allowed to speak of."
"He told you about the list? Maybe I should just haul him out and smack him around a little." Hermione laughed thinly and stood on her toes to reach his cheek. Giving him a small kiss, she took a step back. "I've missed you. I…I just wanted you to know that."
"I do, Hermione. I do know."
~o0o~
Severus returned to the Cauldron while Hermione collected Hugh and took him back to their rooms. In the morning, she helped him cram his new purchases into his trunk and levitate it to the curb where a taxi waited for them. Hermione had a hard time acting as if nothing was wrong as she bid Hugh goodbye, breaking into tears and running from 9 ¾. Heading directly for St. Mungo's she felt oddly at peace once she walked in the mock storefront to the place that had been her home for two years.
"Miss Granger, I see you are ready to complete our sessions," Healer Clough gently chided her. "I hope you plan on completing them this time."
"I thought I was better," she said, smiling thinly.
"A natural reaction for …what were you? A twenty year old? Even that is a stretch. Hermione, you were mentally a seventeen year old making a choice we could not legally refuse you. However, now you are old enough to realize you are not the expert here. " The Healer reached over and patted her hand. "Every year we petition the Ministry to allow us more legal support in keeping patients against their will for cases such as yours. However, it is not impossible to start again. You need to understand that this time I expect your honesty and cooperation."
"I never lied to you," she said, looking down at her lap. "I didn't …tell you everything…but I didn't lie. I really didn't remember everything…most of it is still like a dream. I still don't remember it all…just some things are coming back that scare the bloody hell out of me."
"About Hugo's father?"
"Yes. That's what I never told you. I let you think I knew him."
"I have kept my entire day free. So…please…we've been through this before. I am sure you remember how it goes. We will start at the beginning. You were in the upper corridor and heard something you perceived as a call for help. We will begin there."
Hermione lifted her head and locked her eyes on his, nodding her understanding . She began to retell the story she had told a hundred times before in this same room. This time, however, she did not colour her words or try to hide what she said.
It became easier once she started. The Healer stood with his back to her, looking out of the window. Hermione knew it was magically charmed to reflect a street scene and not a real window, but the fact that she did not have his eyes on her made it better. She spoke of the final battle, and hearing a sound she followed into the dungeons, of her face pushed into the wall and the duel that followed. She spoke of Ron, his hand stills reaching for her and his eyes still open in death. She spoke of the rape, admitting that she knew what had happened but had only watched it, as if observing it happening to someone else.
She finished talking of leaving Hogwarts, her last foggy memory and wanting her Mum. She sobbed out her story of the memory charm she had placed on them and admitted that even as she had ran she had no place to go.
Healer Cough sat down across from her as she finished, his face showing nothing and handed her a box of tissue without comment, waiting until she had collected herself. "You have made your peace with your son?"
"I think so. We were fine until just recently. That's what made me come back here. All of a sudden, I am afraid …I don't mean I am afraid of him, I am afraid I may hurt him. I get angry…I want to lash out and I'm afraid one of these times I won't be able to stop."
"Tell me about Harry."
"Harry? I haven't seen him for a long time. We don't talk."
"Why? You just said you were close to him. He was the only one that tried to help you in the Great Hall. Tell me why you don't see him."
"He…he had a row with my father. He wanted to take Hugh away from him and raise him here."
"When did this happen?"
"Just before Dad died."
"How long had it been since you had spoken to him at that time?"
"Since…since the final battle."
"So…it is not the row with your father that is the issue. You had already avoided him for ten years."
Hermione looked at him blankly, not knowing how to respond.
"Tell me what happened again." He stood and again walked to the window, leaving Hermione to drone out her tale. When she finished, he again turned back to her.
"So, why haven't you spoken to Harry?"
"I…I couldn't. Ron was his best friend. I couldn't."
"It sounded like you were also his friend."
"He…he thinks I…Ron and I were…he thinks I cheated on Ron. That …it's complicated."
"No, it is quite simple. You never told him the truth. Hermione, have you visited Ron's grave? Or spoken to anyone of him?"
"No," she said quietly.
"Have you told anyone about the rape?'
"One person. I'd rather not say who."
"It doesn't matter who it is. Tell me, how did this person respond to you?"
She looked at him blankly and shook her head.
"Did this person seem…horrified that you put yourself in a position to be raped? Did they infer that it was your fault?"
"No, of course not."
"Of course not. Yes, but isn't that what you were afraid of?"
"Partially…perhaps…I …I don't know. Hugh must never know. Never. How can I tell him he is the unwanted result of a rape? "
"I want you to see Harry."
"No, I need to…"
"You need to put this behind you and you will never do that until you can talk about it and grieve. I also want you to think about what you just said. You did not now you were pregnant when you chose to leave Hogwarts, yet now…you say that was your main concern."
"Fuck," she spat. "I have grieved. I've cried so much I think I could…"
"No, you've cried in self pity and what happened to everyone else. You've cried for you parents, for the kid at the table who lost his mother that day, you've cried for everyone but Ron. Until you bury him you will never heal."
"What the bloody hell is this? Your idea of shock therapy?"
"No, my idea that Hermione Granger will only give me two weeks at the most and as such we have to take short cuts."
"Point taken," she tried to smile. "I'll think about it and we can talk about it tomorrow. Would you talk to him first? "
"I will with your permission. Now, sit back down. I have one more thing to say." He waited until she returned to the chair and flopped down glaring at him.
"I received an owl from Severus Snape earlier today. Shall I read it to you?"
"Let me guess. He said I lie."
"He did not put it quite that directly. He did say that I should be cautious." The healer grinned at her and gave a small laugh. "I hope you understand I did not solicit information from anyone. This is most unusual but once I have this knowledge it is also hard to ignore."
"You already knew I didn't give you all the information."
"Yes. I knew of the rape. Until you admitted it, there was nothing I could do. I also know if you leave, you will not come back. I want you to stay with us."
"No, that I …no. I…"
"For a fortnight. We need to look at your scar tissue to make sure there are no changes. It would give us the opportunity and if you are indeed seen here, you can truthfully say you were having a normal physical. Hermione, you finally admitted what happened in the dungeons. It is a giant step towards your healing. Now is the time to push ahead. Before our session tomorrow, I want you to think of why you avoided Harry for ten years. I want you to be honest with yourself even if you cannot be honest with me."
Hermione finally gave in when he reminded her that she was here this time for Hugo, and until she faced her fears and let everything in the open, she would never get beyond it. He pointed out that her long absence from the magical world was out of the fear of seeing old friends and not only needing to distance herself from the destruction of the war. She nodded her head and agreed silently, remembering all the times she had thought of Harry and wished he had been with her to share some small victory or to listen to her problems.
Every day for the next week, she sat in the same place and told the same story. Clough made her stop time and time again for a clarification, or to question how she felt abut a certain aspect. Handing her a pad of paper and a quill, he asked her to number the different scenes in her memory in the order they occurred. He waited patiently while she finished it, and then glancing to the bottom of the sheet, he raised his eyes to hers.
"Here you indicate that the rape occurred before you threw a hex at your attacker. You said that you got up from the floor and turned, throwing your curse. However, on several occasions, including the first time you told your story at the beginning of the week, you said Ron was already dead by that time. You made a point of saying each time that his eyes were open…as if watching you during the rape. If I check my notes from your previous admission to the ward…I am sure I would find the same inconsistency."
"He…yes, he was. I don't remember much…I remember laying on the floor…someone is hurting me and I am looking at Ron. He was…yes, he was dead."
"Yet in you written account, you get to your feet after the rape and throw a hex. Your attacker then retaliates and Ron is hit."
"Yes, I remember that."
"You can't remember both." He put the pad down and picked up his notes. "Tell me again. From the time you walked down the corridor."
"I've had enough for today I…"
"Start again. And again after that. And again until you can say it."
"Say what? Say I am done with this. I have said all I can so many times I'm getting confused."
"Tell me, Hermione, what is the worse thing you can imagine. What would the perfect monster be like in your dreams?"
"What?"
"Humour me."
"He would…Voldemort would," she snapped. "No thought to others, killing the innocent and moving on. What the fuck is this about?"
"Killing the innocent. Not just…killing? Must it be the innocent?"
"Leave me alone," she stood up and grabbed her jumper, making her way to the door only to find he had reached it first and stood blocking her path.
"Say it."
"Say what? That I want to leave?"
"Hermione, you know now. You know. You knew when you came in here and hoped to find out that you were wrong. Now tell me what happened."
"Bastard," she yelled. "I didn't …I couldn't have. I loved him…I loved him."
"Say it."
"No…please…please, it's not…"
"Hermione, it's okay. You're safe here."He lowered her to the floor as her legs weakened. Then stepping away from her, he listened to her sob until she began to stop and her sobs turned to hiccups. "You have to say it. Until you do, you are stuck in a hell of your own making. "
She looked up at him, her eyes red and swollen, and her chin trembling. "I didn't mean it."
"I know. Tell me what happened."
"I…I killed him. I killed Ron."
Clough turned his back on her and went back to staring out the window, leaving her in a heap on the floor to pour out her story. When she was finished, he helped her up and to her chair, handing her a box of tissue.
"You knew." She said in a whisper.
"Yes." He leaned back and steepled his fingers together. "I read the report the Ministry filed about the bodies they discovered in the dungeons. I couldn't think of another way your wand wound up where it was. If Ron had found it, it would have been in his pocket, or his waistband, you had already told me that is how he carried them. Listening to your account…how it kept changing, it was the only possibility. Hermione, you did what you could. Duels, in tightly closed spaces are the most dangerous. Not because of the opponents proximity, but because of exactly what happened here. You were seventeen. A child fighting in a mad man's war. You were injured. I am surprised you did not die as well."
"I loved him. I did. I wanted to die with him."
"Yet you treated your injuries. That doesn't sound like someone who wishes to die. Quite the opposite. You went to extraordinary lengths to save yourself."
She ran her hands through her hair, fisting it and wanting to scream as she did. "I didn't know what to do. I…I was alone. So alone…I …."
"The Great Hall was full of people who would have helped you. Didn't you say Harry was there?"
"Yes…but…I …I don't know…."
"Let's start again. This time start at the duel. Hermione, this time I want you to tell me why you feel guilty because you didn't fight during the rape and why you think killing the innocent and moving on is the worse thing that can happen. You didn't say killing the innocent. You qualified it with moving on."
"I…please, not today."
"Start with the duel."
"I …I couldn't fight him. Not when he raped me. I was bleeding too badly, the pain…"
"Try again. You were able to cast a spell, to duel, with that same injury. You were able to treat yourself, after climbing countless steps and after sitting on the floor all night. Yet, you expect me to believe, and for your mind to accept, that you just laid there and let yourself be raped because you were in pain?"
"Hermione looked at him blankly. "I don't know what you want."
"Start again. We will go over it until you do."
A fortnight turned into two and still she met with her Healer every day. Every day it became clearer that she had not only punished herself for throwing a killing curse, but had taken the assault of the rape as a perverse form of justice at the same time blaming herself for not fighting against it. Unable to forget the guilt and stigma, of both what she perceived as Ron's murder and her acceptance of rape, she had retreated inwards. Running away became her only solution, rather than facing what she had done not only to herself but also to the one she loved.
"I still don't understand," she said on her last visit. "If I wanted to be punished…or thought I deserved it…why would I feel guilty about it?"
"You threw the curse that killed him and in your guilt, sought some sort of absolution. That is the most obvious. However, it turned to what you perceived as a betrayal to Ron, a sexual betrayal. Perhaps there is something in you past, strong religious up-bringing or social norms that play into it as well. It doesn't matter, not really. What matters is that you have admitted it and should be able to move on. I do want you to do one more thing for me.
Hermione, you need to understand, and accept the fact that not fighting saved your life. There is no shame in it, rather the opposite. You can take pride that you were able to survive. The common knowledge is that by not fighting, women have a greater chance. I have no doubt you would not be sitting here if you had. In your mind, choosing to survive, to accept the rape and be able to live, became your ultimate betrayal. Not just to yourself, but in the fact that you did not wish to die with Ron. You said it yourself. Not just killing the innocent, but killing the innocent and moving on was the worse thing you could imagine. Something you did."
"You said there was something you wanted me to do? I'm seeing Harry this afternoon as you asked."
He leaned back at his desk and studied her. "You will still find it hard to change your habits. I want you to keep a journal. No, not daily. I want you to keep track of every time you cannot place your…emotions. Anger where others see humour, an insult you think someone made, but is not obvious in their words. Anything that greatly bothers you. We can discuss it later if you wish. However, the process of writing it down may let you see the truth in it and be able to sort out what bothers you."
"And Hugh? What do I tell him? How do I …gods, will it ever get better?"
"Yes, it is better now than it was two months ago and it will be better in another two months. As to Hugo, I am afraid I cannot advise you on that. Nor would I." He smiled easily and gave a small laugh. "The hard part of this job is not giving advice. However, I can give you statistics on the number of children born to rape victims. I firmly believe the numbers would mean nothing. Most rapes in this world go unreported, as would the resulting births. Nor have any studies yet determined if the knowledge is helpful or exasperates an already difficult situation. I would suggest taking it slowly. Determine if he is mature and stable enough to hear what happened. In Hugo's case, he has already lost one family, his adopted parents, and if he looses you, rather his perception of you, at his age he may not be able to cope. If you do tell him, feel free to contact me. I would be willing to help him or find someone who specializes in children."
"It sounds as if you are against it. I am. I can't imagine growing up knowing that you are only here because of something as awful as this. I want him to think he was always loved and wanted."
"As you should. Don't second-guess your mothering skills, Hermione. From what I see you are doing a good job."
"So, when do you want me back?"
"Daily if you are still concerned about your disfigurement. How are you doing about that? Any concerns? Questions?"
"Other than the obvious, no." She shrugged her shoulders and tried to smile at him. "All along you kept saying I had more important things to think about. You knew all along."
"Yes," he leaned back and studied her. "How is once a month?"
"For how long?"
He stood smiling, reaching out to shake her hand. "Until I have another opening in the lab. I will look forward to seeing your resume cross my desk again. I think you are up to any task now that you have seen your demon and know that it is memory you can deal with."
A/N: I hope I did not butcher how a session with a Healer could have gone too badly. And, yes, I know real counselling could take several months, even years. I wanted to show that Hermione had already come to the realization on her own, and needed help dealing with it, not that this was in it's self what turned the tide for her.
A/N: Also... has taken down the function that shows the hit count on a story/chapter. I use this as one indicator of when to post the next chapter, sort of waiting until I think readers that have the story on alert have had time to read it. Since I won't know that, the next chapter will be posted on Fri/Sat. So much for counting readership...lol. Thanks for the more than kind reviews and hope you continue to enjoy.
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