Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures

Hearts Astray

Chapter 10

In her state of the art office at Starfleet Headquarters, Kathryn re-examined all data collected at the time of her first incident of temporal flux. There wasn't much to go through, as no anomalous readings had been taken, but what there was she went through painstakingly. But, despite her best effort, she could find nothing out of the ordinary. There were no clues, not even one, to help her understand what had happened. But something had happened that night, something outside the normal space-time continuum, and one way or another she had to find out what.

Suddenly, the door chime played. Kathryn closed the data-log she was reading and switched off her monitor. "Come in!"

The silver doors to her office opened and The Doctor came in.

"Admiral," he said. "At last I find you. I've looked everywhere."

"What's the emergency?" Kathryn asked.

"Why, you," he answered. "I told you yesterday that we'd discuss things today, so here I am."

"And I appreciate it," Kathryn smiled. "Please, take a seat."

The Doctor sat opposite her and placed his med-kit at his feet, speaking as he did so. "What are your thoughts on things today? Do you still think you're from another reality?"

"No," Kathryn replied. "I know I am. Not only have I been going through my logs, as you suggested, but I've talked to Chakotay. There's no doubt. I'm definitely from another reality."

"I see," The Doctor said. "It would make sense of the temporal chaos, especially if a temporal anomaly was involved in your displacement, but wouldn't you have realized before now that you're living the wrong life?"

"I should have, I agree, but there are more similarities between our realities than there are differences. Almost everything that has happened to you and your crew has happened to me and mine. Some of the players are different, and some of our personal relationships are different, but otherwise our two realities are the same. When I was called before a board of Admirals to explain decisions I made in the Delta Quadrant, it was the big decisions like forming an alliance with the Marquis, and then later the Borg, that I had to explain, not who I chose to send on routine away missions or who Chakotay was dating. So, nothing was said to raise my suspicions. Until now, I haven't read or listened to my logs, and I haven't really talked about Voyager in any great detail with any crew member. The only person I've seen regularly since we got back is you, and how many times have we talked about Voyager? Very few times. We've mostly talked about our present problems and our future hopes."

"That's true," The Doctor agreed. "And if you're displaced in space and time, who's to say that time, as you're experiencing it, is time in the normal sense? You may be passing, without your awareness, through weeks or even months of existence in the blink of an eye."

"That's certainly possible. I don't know how I ended up in this reality, but one thing is certain, I have to find my way out of it. I have to return to my proper place in the space-time continuum. I have to..." She could say no more as a dizziness overcame her.

"Admiral?" The Doctor asked in concern. "Is it the temporal flux?"

"Yes," Kathryn replied. "But it's easing."

The Doctor opened his medkit, pulled out his tricorder, and began to scan her.

"Definitely the temporal flux," he said. "Which is no surprise as you're due an injection any day. I'll give it to you now."

"No," Kathryn protested. "Not yet. I've got a couple of days before one's essential. Those days could be crucial."

"Crucial for what? Without an injection you'll die!"

"Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go back to my own reality. Because maybe that's what we're doing wrong. Maybe the injections are why I'm still in this reality."

"That's a lot of maybes, Admiral," The Doctor replied, "and I'm not prepared to risk your life on a maybe."

"It's not your risk to take. It's my life, my risk. If, by the time I'm seeing colors, I'm still no where near to figuring out what's happening, then I'll have the injection, but until then I'd like to keep my options open. Once I'm injected, it'll be another six months before the serum wears off. That could mean being stuck in this reality for another six months."

"Better to be stuck here than dead," The Doctor argued. "I strongly recommend that you..."

Kathryn cut him short. "I've made my decision, Doctor. No injection."

The Doctor sighed. "I know better than to argue with you, you're as stubborn as a Borg nanoprobe, but I'll leave the serum with you, just incase your symptoms worsen fast and I can't get to you in time. Keep it with you at all times. Just because you've had days of symptoms in the past before an all out attack, doesn't mean you'll have days of symptoms this time. You may only have hours. Your condition is very unpredictable." He handed her the hypospray. "Please, keep it on you."

"Very well," Kathryn said, taking the device. "I suppose it's better to be safe than sorry!"

Warm bubbles caressed Kathryn's skin as she lay in a hot soapy bath that evening. Every muscle in her body seemed to be aching and her head was hurting. The Doctor was right, her symptoms were worsening faster than before, and at this rate she'd be seeing the colors soon. But she wasn't going to take the injection just yet, not yet. Chakotay was coming over in a couple of hours time and, while the hope was slim, it was possible he had learnt something. Only if he hadn't, only if they were still completely in the dark about what had happened that night on Voyager, would she take the injection.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, the door chime played. With a soapy hand, Kathryn pressed a button next to the bath and spoke.

"This is Kathryn Janeway. Who's calling?"

"It's me," B'Elanna's voice said. "B'Elanna."

"Hi, B'Elanna," Kathryn replied. "Come in. I'll be right there. I'm taking a bath."

"I don't want to disturb you," B'Elanna said. "I'll come back another time."

"No need for that. I was just getting out anyway. Come in and make yourself comfortable."

"Ok then. If you're sure."

"I am." She pressed another button by the bath, a button that would open the main door. "See you in a couple of minutes."

With that, Kathryn broke the connection and climbed out of the bath. Her head was spinning with the motion, but as soon as she was upright, the dizziness faded. Kathryn stepped under her sonic shower, which dried as well as washed, and in seconds she was perfectly dry. She then put on her bath robe and went into the lounge. B'Elanna was standing by a glass cabinet, looking at a mini model of Voyager. When she saw Kathryn, she clumsily tried to put it back onto the shelf, knocking over a vase in the process.

"I'm sorry," B'Elanna said. "I was just...I was just looking."

"That's quite alright," Kathryn smiled. "I did say make yourself at home. Just don't ransack the place."

"I'll try not too," B'Elanna laughed.

Kathryn walked over to the replicator. "Would you like something to drink? Tea, coffee, juice?"

"No, thank you. I've just had dinner with Tom."

"How is he after the party? Not too hungover I hope."

"No," B'Elanna smiled. "He knew there'd be hell to pay...from me."

Kathryn laughed and manually replicated herself a cup of tea.

"But the party's the reason I'm here," B'Elanna said, falling serious. "Or rather what happened at the party."

Kathryn left the replicator with her drink. "You mean my disappearing act?"

"Yes. One moment we were all talking and the next you were leaving. I hope we didn't say something to upset you. I know you're raw right now."

"You didn't say anything to upset me," Kathryn answered. "I just had to be somewhere."

"Is that the truth? Because you don't have to be strong for us all the time. We're your friends. If you're hurting we want to help."

"Thank you. But I'm fine. I really did have to..." A sharp pain tore through her brain and she raised her hand to her head.

B'Elanna stepped forward anxiously. "Admiral?"

"I'm ok," Kathryn replied, the pain easing. "I just shouldn't have tempted fate by saying I'm fine. You know what they say, famous last words."

"Do you want me to call The Doctor?"

"No, I'm ok. It's just a migraine."

"Then let me get you something for it."

"No," Kathryn argued. "I'm ok, truly." She gestured to the couch. "Please, sit."

B'Elanna hesitated, but then sat. Kathryn sat opposite her and took a much needed drink. As she did, B'Elanna couldn't help but notice how tired her former captain looked, how pale and drawn.

"Something's going on," B'Elanna said. "I've known you long enough to know that. What is it?"

Kathryn looked up at her. "There's no fooling you, is there?"

"No. So spill the beans."

"Ok," Kathryn conceded. "But you can't tell anyone. Only Chakotay and The Doctor know."

"My lips are sealed."

"I have a condition," Kathryn confessed. "You could call it medical, but it's profoundly more than that. I'm suffering from temporal flux. I have been for over two years. It began that morning on Voyager when I woke up in a state of temporal chaos. Only injections are keeping me in sync. At first I thought the chaos was a one off problem, that the injection The Doctor had given me had cured me, but the temporal flux returned as soon as the serum wore off and keeps returning. Until yesterday, I though this condition was caused by an out of time experience on Voyager, one that I was just going to have to live with, but things were said at the party that made sense of everything. The reason I'm having these episodes is because I'm from a different reality."

B'Elanna's eyes widened. "You mean as in an alternate universe?"

"Yes. I know it's hard to believe, but I assure you it's the truth."

B'Elanna was silent for a moment. "If you say so then I believe you, but how?"

"I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine. All I can think is that some how, some way, time was fractured on Voyager and, when it was put back together again, some how I was drawn into the wrong reality."

Blood drained out of B'Elanna's face. "No," she said quietly. "That can't be why. It can't be."

"What?" Kathryn asked. "What can't be why? What do you know?"

"A couple of months before we got home," B'Elanna began, "we encountered a temporal anomaly during the early shift that fractured Voyager into different time frames. It came out of nowhere and was like a mouth of colors in space. I've never seen anything like it. The colors were dazzling, spectacular, like a million dancing rainbows. We stopped to study it, and were going to wake you up so you could see it, but before we could the anomaly struck us with some kind of lightening streak. I tried to save the warp-core from destabilizing, but as I tried I was hit by a bounce strike. The next thing I knew I was in sickbay. The Doctor told me I'd been transported there in a state of temporal flux and he'd given me a serum to bring me into alignment. I noticed right away that something was different about him, that he wasn't quite himself, and then when he said he was confined to sickbay as a hologram, I realized he was from a past time-frame. I left sickbay to look for you, but as I made my way to your quarters, I passed through several time-frames. Some were from the future and others from the past. One was even before Voyager got pulled into the Delta Quadrant. I was the only one who could move between these time-frames. Everyone else just disappeared if they stepped through a temporal barrier. So, I went back to sickbay, got some more serum from The Doctor in a time-protected case, and made my way again to your quarters. But, when I got to your corridor, there was a blazing wall of color blocking my path. It wasn't like any of the temporal barriers, which were invisible, and seemed to be cutting right through the walls. I dared not walk into it so I went to look for Chakotay instead. I found him on the bridge. He seemed to be from the present, but as soon as I started talking to him I realized he was from the future. Not far into the future, just a few weeks, but still not from my time-frame. I told him what had happened, that Voyager had been struck by a temporal anomaly and fractured into different time-frames, and he accepted it right away. I was surprised, because not everyone in other time-frames did and, well, let's just say I had to fight a battle on more than one front. And, being six months pregnant, that wasn't easy!"

"I bet it wasn't," Kathryn smiled.

"Chakotay took me into the turbo lift and told me that the same thing had happened to him a few months before. We thought at first that it was the same anomaly, that it was moving through space or even following us, but in the end we concluded that it was some kind of sister anomaly as our descriptions of it were different. Chakotay knew what to do, because he'd done it before, so we injected Voyager's bioneuro circuitry with the serum and then generated a chronoton field to bring the ship into temporal sync with my time-frame. It worked, just like before, and when I was back in my time-frame I used the deflector dish to stop Voyager getting struck. No one on the ship remembered what had happened, except me, but I think Chakotay knew because the same thing had once happened to him. He didn't say anything, temporal prime directive and all that, but he had an amused look in his eyes when we discussed it. You know the one I mean."

"I certainly do," Kathryn replied. "And I remember that day. Neelix told me all about your deflector dish moment when I went to the mess hall for breakfast. It piqued my interest for sure, not least because this was the second time it had happened." She paused. "But this event can't be the cause of my displacement because it happened a month after my episode of temporal flux."

"It has to be the cause," B'Elanna insisted. "You said yourself that, for you to be displaced, Voyager must have been fractured into different timelines and then put back together again. Voyager was fractured. Twice. And there weren't just different time-frames involved, but different timelines. Because Naomi was from way into the future, a future that hasn't happened because we're home, and Icheb was from another future that hasn't happened. Who knows how many timelines were involved. Maybe everyone I spoke to was from a different reality. This incident explain everything, Admiral. Don't you see? When I put the ship back together again, you were somehow drawn from your reality into ours."

"I'm not saying it isn't possible," Kathryn said. "But if everyone you spoke to was from a different reality to you, why was I the only one displaced? Surely others would be too."

"It must have something to do with the anomaly that was at your quarters. It ripped right through them and may have interfered with things when I put the ship back together. It wasn't there when Chakotay put the ship back together the first time. I didn't think it would interfere...or the ones on deck 4 and deck 11...but they must have. No one was near the other two, at least as far as I know, but you were in your quarters. That has to be it."

"I'm inclined to agree," Kathryn said. "But all this doesn't explain why I suffered temporal flux a month before this incident happened."

"But it does. Think about it, Admiral. In temporal mechanics the effect often precedes the cause. If, when Voyager was fractured, you were in a time-frame that was a month earlier than my time-frame, then when I put the ship back together again, you were drawn into our reality a month before the incident occurred that drew you into it. That would mean you were in our reality for a month before the ship got fractured. It makes perfect sense!"

"In a crazy way it does," Kathryn answered. "B'Elanna, you're a genius."

"Hardly," she laughed. "If I was, I'd know how to get you back to your reality, but I haven't got a clue."

"Then that's where I have you beat," Kathryn smiled. "I think the reason I'm still in this reality is because the injections are keeping me in it. If I stop taking them, and let the temporal flux run its course, I might find myself back in my reality."

"That's a hell of a risk," B'Elanna replied.

"I know, but it's one I'm going to have to take. I'm out of other options."

"You're not. Stay in this reality. We're home, we made it, life is good."

"But I don't belong here. I have to try to get back to my own reality. If discontinuing the injections is the only hope I have of doing so, then I have to try that."

"Some experiment," B'Elanna declared. "Fail, and you're dead."

"I know, but I agree with Chakotay that time has a way of fixing itself. All this, everything I'm experiencing, it isn't real. It isn't real for me and it isn't real for you. If the reason I'm in this reality is because of the anomaly you describe, then in actuality we're still on Voyager. We're still tied to that event. If this reality is the ultimate reality, then everything that has happened to you will happen again, but if it isn't, then everything will happen as it's meant to. I have to let the temporal flux run its course. I have to bring things full circle."

"Then make this 'experiment' a controlled one," B'Elanna urged. "Have The Doctor with you. That way, if you flatline, he'll be able to bring you back. Promise me you will."

Kathryn gave a wan smile. "I promise I'll consider it."

"That's little reassurance," B'Elanna answered. "But I suppose it will have to do!"

Curled up on a wicker couch, still wrapped in her bath robe, Kathryn waited on her balcony for Chakotay to arrive. Her headache was excruciating now, her muscle pain crippling, and every time she opened her eyes, colors swirled before them. It was only a matter of hours now before the temporal flux reached its climax, maybe even minutes, but she was ready for it. She was ready for unimaginable suffering and then...and then nothing. For she was convinced that as soon as she was back in her reality, time would be rewritten and she would be erased from existence. Everything would be as it should be, as it ought to have been, and time would be whole again. Sleeping beside Kathryn, tucked up in a little ball, was a fluffy white cat. Who the cat belonged to, Kathryn didn't know, but for the passed few days it had been sneaking into her apartment and making itself at home. Kathryn could only conclude that it lived in a nearby apartment and got around by balcony jumping. It was definitely owned for it was clean, well groomed, and had a pretty blue collar. Kathryn tried to discourage the animal from coming, but no matter how many times she put him out, he still came back. Now she was too tired to send him away so she let him sleep beside her. He wasn't doing any harm and his friendly little presence was a great comfort. Suddenly, there was a noise beside her, a shuffle through a muffle, and she opened her eyes. There was a figure before her, a blurry form, but then the colors blinded her.

"Hi," Chakotay's voice said. "It's me."

Kathryn closed her eyes again but sat up. "Chakotay...I didn't hear the chime. Did you ring?"

"Yes, several times. But when I couldn't get an answer, I let myself in using an old Maquis trick. I was worried about you."

"I see," Kathryn answered. "I suppose B'Elanna went straight to see you after leaving here."

"Yes."

"I should have guessed as much."

Chakotay looked at Kathryn in concern and then sat beside her. "I understand why you're doing this, and I agree it probably is the way back to your reality, but for mine and B'Elanna's sake, please let The Doctor be present."

"I appreciate your care," Kathryn replied, "but I don't want The Doctor here. We don't know what's going to happen, how this thing is going to work, and we can't risk him intervening at the wrong moment. If I need to die for my reality to live again, or for time to be whole again, then I have to die. The Doctor won't let that happen. He'll either save me before I die or bring me back too soon. I have to do this alone."

"Not alone," Chakotay said, taking her hand in his. "I'm here."

Kathryn gratefully squeezed his hand. "Thank you."

"You're clearly in a lot of pain. Is there anything I can get you?"

"No," Kathryn answered. "But the cat might be thirsty. Could you replicate him a saucer of kitty milk?"

Chakotay smiled. "Got yourself a cat? I thought you were a dog woman."

"I am. But this ragamuffin here has decided it likes my apartment and I can't keep him away."

"I don't see him," Chakotay said, looking around. "He must have gone inside."

"No," Kathryn answered. "He's beside me. Can't you hear him purring?"

"There's nothing beside you," Chakotay replied. "Just empty chair."

Kathryn frowned. "But I can hear him..." she reached out with her hand and touched a furry body. "And I can feel him."

"You must be hallucinating," Chakotay said, "I don't see a cat."

Kathryn pulled back her hand and raised it to her brow. "I guess I am. I have been hearing things lately, things that are there and then not there, like children laughing, a baby crying, footsteps. It must be the temporal flux. Either that or I've grown psychic."

"In a way you have," Chakotay replied. "You're connected to another time, another existence. That's what being psychic is, it's being connected to another plane of existence, another reality. But instead of hearing the voices of passed souls, you're hearing the voices of souls in another time."

"Strange," Kathryn said. "Even chilling."

"Or comforting," Chakotay added, "because it means you're still connected to your reality. And if you are, then it confirms what I thought, that your reality is the ultimate one."

"Let's not go there," Kathryn answered. "Let's just enjoy what is probably our last moments of existence."

"I'd hardly call what you're going through enjoyment," Chakotay argued. "Are you sure there's nothing I can get you?"

"I'm sure. I don't think there's long to go. When I start seeing the colors, which I am, it means the flux is reaching its climax. What will happen then, I don't know, as I've never passed that stage before."

"By colors, do you mean visual disturbance?"

"Yes. Every time I open my eyes they swirl and gather before me." She opened her eyes and stared ahead. "I can see them now. They're bright, getting brighter, and they're..." She stopped mid-sentence and gazed entranced.

"They're what?" Chakotay asked. "What do you see?"

"A portal," she answered. "I'm sure of it. The colors they're...they're not colors...they're the anomaly. I'm seeing the anomaly." Unsteadily, she got to her feet and stretched out her right arm. "If I reach out I can touch it...can touch the colors."

As she did, her fingers tingled and a charge seemed to sear through her body.

"Your fingers," Chakotay gasped. "They disappeared."

"Then this has to be the way," Kathryn concluded. "The way back to my reality. All I have to do is step into the portal and...and time will be rewritten."

Chakotay gently put his hand on her shoulder, tears in his eyes. "Then I guess this is goodbye."

Kathryn nodded, tears in her own, and turned to him. The colors moved with her, but swirled chaotically, dissipating the portal. "I guess it is."

Tenderly, Chakotay gathered her in his arms and held her close. Kathryn held him in return and closed her eyes, closing out the colors.

"I'm glad I had the chance to get to know you," Chakotay said quietly, "to exist for a while and to share a little of your existence."

"Me too," Kathryn answered. "But you'll always exist, Chakotay, we both always will. I believe that. I believe that every out of time experience, every splintering timeline, is a part of our ultimate existence. Somewhere, in the abysm of our mind, I think we remember."

"I hope so," Chakotay said. "I really do."

They held each other for a long moment, then Kathryn drew away. As soon as she opened her eyes, the colors came back. She turned away from Chakotay and stared into them. They danced before her, gathered into the portal, and glowed like dancing rainbows.

"They're beautiful," she said, "the colors...and they're calling me home."

A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek. "Goodbye, Kathryn. See you...some time."

Kathryn blindly reached for his hand and squeezed it. "Goodbye, Chakotay."

Then, with her eyes still on the colors, she let go of his hand and stepped into them.

END OF CHAPTER TEN