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Hearts Astray

Chapter 16

New Earth, 2373

In the pale light of an alien dawn, Chakotay lay in his bed and stared vacantly at the ceiling. Kathryn was already up, he'd heard her leave the shelter a while ago, but he was in no rush to rise himself. The day would pass quickly enough, too quickly, and he was not going to help it. In fact, he wished he could slow it down, wished he could make it last forever, because then the tomorrow he dreaded would never come. It was the tomorrow they were to return to Voyager. He knew he should be happy that the crew were coming back for them, that medicine had been got to cure them, but he was not. He was happy for Kathryn's sake, happy for the crew's, but not for his own. Happiness to him would have been to spend the rest of his life on this planet with the woman he loved. Of course, it would not have been an easy life, probably a very difficult one, but they would have had a life together. Now, it seemed, they never would. Tomorrow it would be back to a life of duty and protocol, and the barriers that Kathryn had only just learnt to lower would be up again. She would be his captain, he would be her first officer, and the parameters between them would be well and truly defined. Even if they got home, he didn't hold out much hope for them. Kathryn would be reunited with Mark and would share her life with him. This, their stranding on an alien planet due to an incurable virus, was their only chance of a life together, and now it was gone.

Suddenly, a dazzling green light filled the room and blinded Chakotay. When his eyes adjusted to the glare, he saw what looked like a green flare in the living room. It was pulsating like a warp-core, swirling and rippling through the room, then, as quickly as it had come, it was gone. All was still and silent. Quickly, Chakotay got out of bed, picked up his tricorder, and hurried into the living room. For a moment he saw nothing, nothing but the usual furniture, then he saw a woman on the floor. She had red bobbed hair, was wearing a Starfleet uniform, and was trying to get up. Chakotay hurried over to her and gasped when he saw that the woman was Kathryn.

"Kathryn..." he cried.

Slowly, in a daze, Kathryn turned to the man beside her. All was misty before her eyes, a white fog, but as it cleared she saw a familiar face.

"Chakotay?"

"That's right," he said, scanning her.

"My head hurts," she groaned. "I feel...dizzy."

"You're displaced in time," he answered. "And are suffering from temporal flux. Can you tell me what's happened?"

"No," she replied. "I don't remember." Then something came back to her, a ghost of a memory. "Yes...an anomaly...it struck us."

"When are you from? What year?"

"I...I don't know...I...2377...No...2378."

"Then you're from the future. This is 2373."

"2373," she echoed. "The past."

Wanting to be absolutely sure that this was a future Kathryn, not the present Kathryn, Chakotay went over to the table, picked up his commbadge, and activated it. "Chakotay to Janeway."

Almost immediately Kathryn spoke through it. "Yes, Chakotay?"

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. Why do you ask? Are you ok?"

"Yes. I just have myself a...situation. How soon can you get back here?"

"I don't know. About an hour. What's wrong?"

"Hopefully nothing I can't handle. Come when you can."

"Are you ill or hurt?"

"No, I'm fine. See you in a bit."

"Ok, Janeway out."

As the connection terminated, Chakotay pinned the commbadge to his black pyjama shirt and addressed the Kathryn before him. "Well, at least we know your counterpart in this time-frame is ok."

"Some consolation, I guess," she said, sitting up and leaning back against a wall. "But I..."she looked around, looked up. "I know this place...I do. It's our place...a place we were happy...our shelter...New Earth."

"That's right," Chakotay said. "It's our last day. The crew will be picking us up tomorrow."

"Then I'm...I'm by the lake. I remember. I walked there...wanted to be alone...our last day. I remember."

She closed her eyes, clearly in pain, and murmured softly.

"Let me help you to the couch," Chakotay said. "You'll be more comfortable there."

Kathryn let him help her to the couch, which was a metal frame with cushions, and she lay back upon it.

"That's better," she said.

Chakotay sat beside her. "You said an anomaly has brought you here. Do you remember more about it?"

"No...just an anomaly...a light...was in my quarters. It struck me and then...and then I was here."

"What did this anomaly look like? Was it intelligent?"

"I...I don't remember. Everything is...confusion."

Chakotay looked at her sadly, wishing he could do something to take away her pain, but he could think of nothing certain.

"I wish there was something I could do to ease your suffering," he said, "but the only thing I can think of is medication for post transportation trauma. I know that's not what you have, but it might ease the symptoms of cellular chaos."

"Good thinking...Let's try it."

"But, while it might help, it might interfere with attempts to draw you back to your own time-frame."

"It won't," she answered, "because I...won't be going back. The anomaly will have...time-fractured Voyager. It has...before. When Voyager is...whole again, I'll be...erased from time."

"Then let's give it a shot," Chakotay replied.

He went over to the replicator, replicated a hypospray, and then applied it to Kathryn's neck. The medication took effect immediately and Kathryn's pain eased.

"Oh it's working," she said. "It is..."

Chakotay smiled. "I'm glad."

"My head's not hurting now. But boy, I could do with a coffee."

Chakotay had to laugh. "That's your answer to every crisis, isn't it?"

"Absolutely. Please...get me one."

"Gladly, but are you sure it's wise? Your stomach might be five years away."

"I'll take the chance."

"Then coffee it is."

He went over to the replicator, replicated a cup of black coffee, and then handed it to Kathryn.

"Thank you, Sir," she said, taking it gratefully. Her hands were trembling slightly, as was her body, but she was much more perky. "Oh heavenly," she said as she took a sip. "Just what I need."

"We aim to please," he smiled, looking at this future Kathryn with both awe and confusion. He could see she was older, there were lines on her face that time had not yet put there, but at the same time her bobbed hairstyle made her look younger. Her uniform, with its pink undertunic, was something of a curiosity too.

"Your top," he said. "Am I color blind or is it pink?"

Kathryn looked down at her uniform and laughed. "It's definitely pink. But why, I haven't a clue. No, I do. I remember. My replicator...my replicator made it...not supposed to."

"A malfunction?"

"All the time."

"Sounds like it needs replacing."

"Yes, soon." She took a long sip of coffee and then looked up at him with a focus in her eyes that had been lacking before. "But I'm not supposed to talk to you about the future. Temporal Prime Directive."

"I don't expect you to...unless there's something I should know. There's got to be a reason why you're here. Are you sure an anomaly sent you? Maybe you came here on purpose to deliver a message."

"No, the anomaly definitely brought me here. It struck us, time-fractured Voyager." She gulped down what was left of her coffee and then placed her cup on a wooden table before them. "That was good. I could do with some food, though. I haven't eaten since...I can't remember how long since."

"I'm rather hungry too," Chakotay said. "Shall we have scrambled eggs on toast?"

"Sounds wonderful."

Chakotay replicated two plates of scrambled eggs on toast, with a helping of tomatoes, and then sat beside her on the couch to eat. Kathryn ate fast, clearly as hungry as she said she was, and afterwards had a slice of coffee cake. When they'd finished eating, Chakotay recycled their plates and replicated her a second cup of coffee.

"I feel so much better now," she said. "Just like myself."

"You seem it. And yet...And yet different."

"In what way?"

"More relaxed. More comfortable...around me."

"I suppose because I am. And I have the liberty to be. Knowing all this will never happen, that it will all just fade from time, changes those...parameters."

"We still need to becareful, though," Chakotay said cautiously. "Just because you think this is an out of time experience that will be erased once the space-time continuum is restored, doesn't mean it is. We have to do all we can to protect history. Do you remember meeting a future you here?"

"No," she replied. "I don't remember anything about a future me being here."

"Then we can't let your younger-self know about you...just to be on the safe side."

"Shouldn't be too hard. Miss Explorer won't be back until after six."

Chakotay frowned. "How do you...?" Then he laughed at his own density. "Of course, you were once her."

"Exactly," Kathryn smiled. Then a sadness filled her eyes. "Sometimes I wish I could be again. I wish I could be here again. I wish I could..." She paused as a thought came to her. "Maybe that's it. Maybe the anomaly's granted my wish and brought me to where I want to be."

"Some anomaly," Chakotay teased, "to grant wishes. Maybe it has a genie living in it."

"I'm serious, Chakotay. Maybe it's trying to communicate."

"Who am I to say it's not, but why would you want to be here? You've wished for nothing but to leave since we came."

"Because we had something here we'll never..." Tears filled her eyes and she looked away. "This is all we'll have, Chakotay."

Chakotay understood what she meant, despite the vagueness of her words, but he wished he didn't. They only confirmed what he feared inside, that when he and Kathryn got back to Voyager, everything would go back to how it used to be.

Suddenly, Kathryn's voice spoke over the comm. "Janeway to Chakotay."

The sound of her voice threw them both for a moment, but then Chakotay responded. "Chakotay here."

"How are things now? Do you still need me?"

"No," he said. "I'm fine now."

"Then do you mind if I take a ramble? I've seen a beautiful hill that I've never noticed here before and I'd love to climb it."

"I don't mind at all. Just take care."

"I will. Janeway out."

As her younger-self terminated the connection, Kathryn looked at Chakotay sadly. He looked tired, drawn, and there were shadows under his eyes. There was also a haunting loneliness about him, a silent pain, that made her heart hurt. He was a good man, a kind and gentle man, and he deserved to be happy. Maybe if he hadn't of loved her he would have been happy, would have made a life with another woman on Voyager, but he did love her and that love was just another grief to add to a burden of many. As long as they were captain and first officer, nothing could happen between them, as much as she wanted it to. A professional distance had to be maintained, and, as hard as it had been, they had maintained it. Never again, after his ancient legend, did he tell her that he loved her, and never did she tell him. Never had she told him. But now, in this existence that would soon not exist, it was perhaps time to tell him. He deserved to know, he deserved to know that she loved him.

"Even though she's never said it," she began, "she does love you, Chakotay. I want you to know that."

Chakotay's eyes flew to her face at these words, but instead of bringing comfort, they only seemed to hurt him more. Slowly, rigidly, he got up from the couch and went over to the shelter's small window. "We shouldn't talk about this."

"We might never again get the chance. And you need to know it, Chakotay. You need to know how grateful I am for you, how much I..."

"Don't," he said, turning to her with tears in his eyes. "Don't do this. It isn't fair."

Kathryn got to her feet and closed the gap between them. "Nothing about us is fair, Chakotay. It never has been. It isn't now. Because when time is whole again on Voyager, we won't exist anymore." She paused. "But we exist now, we feel now, and while we exist, everything between us is real. And before we fade into nothing, I want you to know that I love you."

A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek. "I love you too, Kathryn. I've loved you since the day we met. When I'm with you I feel...I feel complete, like I've found where I belong. I've never felt that, always felt like an outsider. But I don't belong with you. Deep inside I've always known that. I've always known that I'm not good enough for you."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "That's not true. You're a great deal too good for me."

"No. I will never be the man you need. You need someone who..."

He could say no more as Kathryn put her fingers to his lips. "You're everything I need, Chakotay. You're everything I want.." Tearfully, she caressed his cheek, traced the course of his tattoo. "We might never get another chance like this to be together. Let's not waste it. Let's..." her voice fell to a whisper, "make love."

Chakotay looked deep into her eyes, infinite pain and longing there, then he turned away again. "It wouldn't be right, Kathryn. What if we don't cease to exist? What if we carry the memory with us? And even if we are erased from time, you're not...you're not my Kathryn."

"But I am," she said, putting her hand on his arm. "I'm her in every way. All her memories, they're my memories, and in those memories I'm the same woman who is out there now weeping because going back to Voyager means losing you. I'm the same Kathryn who soaked every night in the bath tub you made, the same Kathryn you held as the storm shook our shelter, and the same Kathryn who heard you say you loved her in an ancient legend. I'm her, Chakotay, and she's me." A tear ran down her cheek. "The only difference is I love you more..."

At this, Chakotay turned back to her. "Oh Kathryn," he whispered.

"I want us to be together, Chakotay. I don't want us to die, to fade away, never having been together." She paused. "But if you don't want to, if you don't love me as much as..."

Chakotay silenced her with a kiss. "I do," he said. "I do."

Kathryn smiled through tears and then drew him close. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and they held each other tight. Then they kissed tenderly as golden rays of sunlight lit up the room.

In the warmth and comfort of Chakotay's bed, Kathryn lay still and silent in his arms. For the first time in a long time, she felt totally at peace, and knew he did too. But, at the same time, there was a haunting sadness between them, a bittersweet calm. This was the first and last time they would be together.

"There will be a time for us," Chakotay said quietly. "There has to be."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "I wish that time was now. I don't want this to end."

"Neither do I."

"I love you so much, Chakotay."

"I love you too."

He kissed her hair and tenderly caressed her arm, but his loving strokes scalded her skin and she murmured in pain.

"The temporal flux?" he asked.

"Yes," she said. "It's...coming back."

"I'll inject you again."

"No," she protested. "Just hold me. Just hold me until...until we are no more."

Chakotay kissed her again and held her tighter, holding her as though he never wanted to let her go. Kathryn let herself melt into him and, as she drifted to sleep in his arms, Chakotay did too.

Noise...light.

Slowly, sleepily, Chakotay stirred awake. For a moment, all was a haze, a daze, then memories of Kathryn flooded back to him. He turned to his side, hoping to see her there, but he was alone. He was alone in his bed. Then be became aware of light in the living room, of pottering about. Slowly, he got out of bed, put on his robe, and made his way there. When he got there, present Kathryn was busy packing away items into a container, her long hair tied back from her face, and she looked up at him as he entered.

"At last you're up," she said. "I was getting worried. Are you ok?"

Chakotay looked around, looking for some sign that what he remembered of the day was true, but he saw none. There was no trace of the future Kathryn he had loved.

"What happened, Chakotay? What was the crisis?"

The crisis. Then he had spoken with Kathryn over the comm, had told her he had a situation. He was beginning to think he had dreamt everything.

"Just a..." he racked his brains for an excuse, "a problem with a wild animal."

"What? An animal got in our shelter? It didn't go near my bed, did it?"

"No," he said quietly.

Kathryn left the container and walked over to him. "You seem distracted, Chakotay. Are you ill? You ate a lot of those berries we picked yesterday and they're not exactly human friendly. Poisonous, no, but hallucinogenic, yes. I had terrible dreams last night after only eating a dozen. You ate at least three times as much. The effects should have worn off by this morning, they did for me, but maybe they're still effecting you. Maybe you only hallucinated the animal you saw."

"Maybe I did," Chakotay said, sitting at the table. Hallucinations would certainly explain everything.

"We should have analyzed the berries more carefully before eating them. Before I went out, though, I threw what remained of them and left a note on the tub."

Chakotay said nothing, just stared sadly at his hands. It had all felt so real, Kathryn's visit from the future, Kathryn had felt so real. And he wanted it to be real. He wanted to believe that in some time, in some place, the woman he loved had loved him. But this present Kathryn was right, it was all probably an hallucination, a wishful dream. He'd seen a Kathryn that wasn't really there, had imagined her saying she loved him because he wanted her too, and had only made love to her in his mind because that was the only place he ever would.

"What you need," Kathryn said, "is a good hot meal. What do you fancy? I'll make it...replicated, of course. I don't want to make you worse."

"I'm not hungry," he replied.

"But you must eat something, if only soup. How about it? Some vegetable soup?"

"Sounds good," he answered.

"I've already eaten," she said, going over to the replicator. "I had a pizza when I got back. Not exactly the healthiest option, I know, but with us going back to Voyager tomorrow, I want to make the most of indulgent food. Because as soon as we're back, The Doctor will probably have us on a recovery diet for at least a month."

Chakotay had to smile at that. "He probably will."

Kathryn replicated a bowl of hot soup and then carried it over to him. "While you eat," she said, "I'll have one last soak in the tub you made. Most of the packing is done. The rest can wait until morning." The crew weren't due to pick them up until noon. "Then I'll hit the sack. I'm totally exhausted after all the walking I've done. I don't think I've ever walked so much in my life."

"The hill," Chakotay asked. "Was the view worth it?"

"Yes," she answered. "It was worth it." Then she looked at him as though she wasn't talking about the view anymore, as though she was talking about something else. "It's all been worth it. I'm not sorry we got..." She paused. "I'm not sorry."

Chakotay knew what she was trying to say. She was trying to say she wasn't sorry they got stranded on this planet. "Neither am I," he said.

Their eyes locked, sadness and longing in both, then Kathryn turned away and, before he knew it, was gone.

END OF CHAPTER 16