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Hearts Astray
Chapter 22
In a small secluded viewpoint on Voyager, Kathryn stood by a long window and looked out at the whizzing stars of the Alpha Quadrant. Voyager was less than an hour from Earth now and at last their epic journey was about to end. Kathryn was having difficulty absorbing the reality, of accepting it, and all kinds of emotions were raging through her from euphoria to dread. Not since Voyager had been pulled to the Delta Quadrant had her life changed so much in a day. It was hard to believe that only twenty-four hours earlier, in her sense of time, she was making a meal for her and Chakotay, with no inkling at all what the night would bring. In that one night she had battled the anomaly, been sent to the past by the anomaly, made love with the man she had loved so much for so long, been treated by The Doctor for temporal chaos, got Voyager home only to learn they were in the wrong year, taken Voyager to Starbase FX-10 where they were put into stasis for eight years, and slept in the room she had once slept in with Mark. The events of the night were like a whirlwind in her mind, especially as she was recovering from both temporal chaos and long-term stasis, and she was still trying to steady her thoughts. Luckily, the afternoon had been rather uneventful and so far so was the journey back to Earth. Every one had passed their final medical and Voyager had left the starbase without a glitch. In fact, their departure from the station could not have gone better. They were given a lavish send off and an armada of Starfleet ships were escorting them to Earth. Their return was indeed big news, one of the biggest stories of the decade, and media crews were already flocking around them in spaceships. The Doctor, and many other crewmembers, were in the mess-hall listening excitedly to various broadcasts about their return, but Kathryn had little interest in them. What she had heard over lunch had been enough. The media, being the media, were sensationalizing everything about their seven year journey, and the biggest question on the lips of journalists everywhere was whether the Maquis would be exonerated or not. There was still no official word on the matter and Kathryn was beginning to worry that Chakotay's fears were not unfounded after all.
Suddenly, the viewport's door opened and Tuvok came in.
"The computer told me I'd find you here," he said.
Kathryn turned to him. "Is everything ok?"
"Everything and everyone, except it seems our command team."
Kathryn flinched. "What do you mean by that?"
Tuvok stepped closer. "It has not escaped my attention, despite your public smiles, how unhappy you and Commander Chakotay are. While the rest of our crew are in a celebratory and jubilant mood, you and the Commander are pensive and downcast. This concerns me. Not as your officer, but as your friend."
"And I appreciate your concern," Kathryn answered, "but Chakotay and I are fine. We're just worried about the Maquis. We've always assumed they will be exonerated, but the Federation has yet to declare on the matter and the longer they are silent the less it bodes well."
"I believe their silence is strategic, Captain. I have been listening to a number of media broadcasts about our return and hundreds of people are expressing the view that our Maquis crewmembers should be exonerated. Many are demanding it. By creating this clamor, the Federation make the news of exoneration, when it is given, appear to be in response to public demand. That benefits all concerned."
"I hope you're right," Kathryn said. She then turned back to the window. "Ironic, isn't it? We're only in this situation now because we were on a mission to capture Chakotay and his crew. To deliver them into custody, we were willing to risk our lives. If they'd have been exonerated as soon as we handed them over, we'd have been livid. Now we're praying for that exoneration."
"The situation is indeed ironic," Tuvok agreed. "But sometimes the path we set out to follow leads us down another. Starfleet assigned us the mission of capturing Chakotay and his crew, but Destiny assigned us a greater mission, one we were to share with the Maquis. When you first made him First Officer, I had grave doubts about the wisdom of your decision, but now I admit I was wrong. Chakotay has been an exemplary First Officer and one I am proud to have served with. There is logic even in chaos and I fully believe our crews were brought together by an intelligence greater than us for the greater good."
"Sometimes I think that too," Kathryn confessed. "When I look at the course of my life, of all our lives, I see twists and turns that seem determined by a greater power." Tears filled her eyes. "I just don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye, Tuvok. I know that sounds crazy, as the one thing I've been obsessed with for seven years is getting Voyager home, but now that we are, I don't know if I want to be."
"You do, Captain," he said. "What you don't want to do is to say goodbye to Commander Chakotay."
Kathryn said nothing, just stared out at the stars flying by at warp speed.
"I believe you are in love with him, Captain," Tuvok went on, "and I believe he is in love with you. I believe you have been in love with each other for years. I have never said anything, as it was not my place to interfere in your personal affairs, especially when your positions on this ship made a relationship unwise, but now those barriers exist no more, I cannot standby and say nothing when you both are suffering."
A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "I won't deny it," she said. "I do love him. Very much. But it's too late for us. I don't think he loves me anymore."
Tuvok put his hand on her shoulder. "I think he does, Captain. And I think the fear of losing you is torturing him far more than the fate of his former Maquis crew. The odds of exoneration are overwhelmingly in their favor. As skeptical as he is about the Federation's integrity, he must know there is little chance he and his crew will be spending tonight in a prison. If he doesn't know it, then his love for you is exaggerating the risk of prosecution. And the reason for that is because, deep down, he doesn't feel worthy of you."
Chakotay had indeed said as much on New Earth. The words had hurt her, just as hearing them from Tuvok did now. Any woman would be lucky to have Chakotay. He was brave, clever, kind, gentle, fiercely loyal and dashingly handsome. She'd meant what she'd said to him in that out-of-time experience; it was she who was not good enough for him. He deserved better than how she had treated him at times. He disagreed, but she knew she had broken his heart many times, and even now she was being less than honest with him. Instead of having the courage to tell him she remembered everything that had happened on New Earth, that it was really her, she was pretending ignorance.
"It's me who doesn't deserve him," she said sadly. "Chakotay has always been honest with me, always shown me respect and consideration, but I haven't always done the same. In fact, I've deceived him about something I should never have deceived him about. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I'm ashamed."
"Then undeceive him," Tuvok told her kindly. "Now that we are home, you and the Commander have a chance to be together. Do not throw that chance away. I have observed many couples over the years and rarely have I seen a pair as well-matched. He is strength to your oar and you are wind to his sails. Together you ride the waves like a mighty ship."
"He does give me strength," Kathryn admitted. "So many times over the last seven years I was ready to give up. Not on our journey so much as on living. The responsibility on my shoulders was heavy and I was tired, mentally and physically. But whenever I was down, Chakotay would cheer me up, and whenever I was about to embark on a suicide mission, he would stop me." Another tear escaped her eye. "I've tried to tell him that I love him, but every time I do we either get interrupted or I lose my courage. When it comes to fighting the Borg, the Kazon, the Hirogen, the Vidians, and God knows who else, I can swallow my fears and stand strong, but when it comes to telling a good and kind man that I love him, I crumble. Isn't it crazy?"
"Not at all," Tuvok answered. "To fight you need to be invulnerable. To tell someone you love them, you need to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is hard, even for Vulcans. It can take more courage to make a declaration of love than to fight a million armies. But you have the courage, Captain. Love will give it to you."
"It will," she said. "It must." She then reached out and took Tuvok's hand in hers. "Thank you, Tuvok. Thank you for everything. Your support, advice and friendship over the last seven years have been...invaluable."
"It has been a privilege to serve with you, Captain. I hope that, whatever becomes of us now we're home, we can continue to work together."
Kathryn squeezed his hand. "We will, Tuvok. We will."
END OF CHAPTER 22