Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures

Hearts Astray

Chapter 23

Music, chatter and laughter filled a grand hall in a luxurious Hawaiian hotel as the crew of the USS Voyager celebrated their return with family and friends. In a corner of the room, dressed in a gown of blue satin that fell off her freckle dusted shoulders, Kathryn waited with Tuvok for her mother and sister to arrive. She had already been reunited with them when Voyager landed to much rejoicing in San Francisco, but after the crew had been welcomed into the loving arms of family and friends, they had been ushered away for debriefing and then transferred to this hotel for the official welcome home party. The debriefing had not lasted long and before it began an announcement was finally made regarding the Maquis. Kathryn had held her breath as Admiral Paris made the announcement, and Chakotay's face had been a torture to behold, but when the announcement came, everyone in the room cheered. The Maquis were pardoned. This was not exactly exoneration, but the outcome was the same: the Maquis were free. Admiral Paris had then invited all the Maquis to officially rejoin Starfleet if they wished. This announcement had also met with applause and Kathryn had watched with tears in her eyes as Chakotay's torment had turned into joy. Across the room he had smiled at her, a beautiful smile that had made her heart leap, and all the tension between them had melted away.

"I am delighted to see you and the Commander in high spirits," Tuvok said as they talked. "Our homecoming is an event to revel in and no two people deserve to enjoy the celebrations more than you and he. It greatly troubled me to see you both unhappy. But I must ask if you have had the conversation with him that we discussed."

"Not yet," Kathryn replied. "But I mean to. " Since getting back, things had been so hectic that she'd hardly had a minute to herself.

"Now may be your chance," he said as Chakotay, smartly dressed in a white suit, walked towards them. "The Commander is coming over."

"Oh Tuvok," Kathryn laughed. "This party is hardly the place. I'll speak to him later."

"As you wish, Captain. So long as you do."

Chakotay arrived now and smiled happily. "A fine party, isn't it?"

"As fine as a party can be," Tuvok said. "The setting is certainly extravagant."

Above them was a gold dome, surrounding them were pillars of white marble, on silver walls were glittering mirrors, and a crystal archway led into a water garden.

"It's magnificent," Kathryn said, looking up and around at the splendor. "Majestic. But I'd be just as happy as I am right now if we were only in a barn."

"Me too," Chakotay smiled.

"Not me," Tuvok declared. "While the decor in this hall is excessive, I would rather excessive decor to the foul odor of animals."

"There is that," Kathryn laughed. "But in my scenario, I assure you the barn was clean and unused."

Naomi Wildman approached now, holding the hand of a tall Ktarian man. "Captain, Commander, Tuvok," she said excitedly, "meet my father, Greskrendtregk."

Kathryn smiled at the man and held out her hand. "It's an honor to finally meet you."

"The honor is all mine," he said. "Thank you for taking such good care of my family."

As he shook Chakotay's and Tuvok's hand, Naomi spoke.

"We're all going to live together in Canada," she said. "Dad still has Mom's house and we're going to live there. I so can't wait. There's a school just down the street and I'm going there after Christmas."

"That's wonderful, Naomi," Kathryn smiled.

Naomi then saw The Doctor and she grabbed her father's hand. "Come on, Dad. You've got to meet The Doctor! He's the funniest man ever next to Neelix!"

As they left, Kathryn watched them go.

"I'm so glad Naomi has the chance of a normal life now," she said. "The Delta Quadrant was no place for a child."

"No," Chakotay agreed. "But I think she will always remember our journey with love and happiness. We all went to great lengths to protect her from the grim reality of our situation and our journey was more like an adventure than a survival for her. As she grows, and her memories of these years fade, she will always remember the laughter, the wonderful places she visited, the amazing people she met, and how much she was loved."

"Well said, Commander," Tuvok said. "Now, please excuse me. I must speak with Ensign Karvila."

With that he walked away, leaving Kathryn and Chakotay alone.

"I haven't seen your mother and sister here," Chakotay said. "Are they joining us?"

"Yes," she answered. "I don't know what's keeping them. They were supposed to be here an hour ago."

"Maybe a journalist's cornered them."

"It wouldn't surprise me. They're like vultures."

"It's been a hectic few hours. How are you feeling now? Still lethargic?"

"Not at all. I feel wonderful."

"You look it," he smiled. "You look amazing."

"Thank you, Sir. You look mighty fine yourself."

They smiled at each other, joy sparkling in their eyes, then Chakotay spoke. "I've been thinking about the anomaly, about why it deposited us where it did, and I think I have the answer."

"Really? I'm all ears."

"Well, you said you were at the starbase for a conference about a year before we got stranded in the Delta Quadrant. About the same time, there was a plot by some Maquis extremists to blow up a Federation starbase. Seska wanted us to join it but I flatly refused. In fact, I told her to find out everything she could about this planned attack so we could send Starfleet a tip-off. She obliged, although reluctantly, but it would have been too late for us to stop the attack by the time we had all the information as the intended time had already passed. The attack didn't happen because security was suddenly increased around the starbase and this gave the extremists cold feet. We thought the increased security was due to a tip-off from a Federation spy, but now I'm thinking there was another reason. I'm thinking it was because they were protecting Voyager." He paused. "It's only a theory, but I think the anomaly sent us to the past to save your life. If we hadn't of been in stasis on that starbase, then security wouldn't have been increased and the attack would have gone ahead."

Kathryn was silent a moment as she tried to absorb this. "That would make sense," she said. "It's just...wow."

"I know. We owe the anomaly everything."

"Everything," Kathryn agreed. "And more." She reached out and put her hand on his arm. "We need to talk. Come to my room after the party."

Chakotay smiled. "Might set tongues wagging."

"Let them wag, I don't care."

"Then we have a date."

They smiled happily at each other and Chakotay was just about to ask Kathryn to dance when her sister approached.

"Oh Kath, Kath," she cried, embracing her, "I'm so sorry we're late. Journalists ambushed us in the foyer and we couldn't get away."

"It's ok, Phoebe," Kathryn said. "We figured something like that had happened. Is Mom ok?"

"I'm fine," her mother smiled. "And I have someone special with me."

Kathryn looked to her mother's side and gasped at who was there.

"Mark!" she exclaimed.

Her former fiancé, who was wearing a black suit, smiled warmly at her. "Hi, Kath. Welcome home."

Before she knew it, his arms were around her and they were hugging.

"I'm sorry," he said as they drew apart. "I'm sorry I gave up on you. I believed you were dead. If I'd have known for a second that you were alive then...I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Kathryn told him. "Everyone thought we were dead. What other conclusion was there? I'm glad you moved on, glad you found happiness again."

"That's very generous of you. But then, you've always had a generous heart."

"How is your wife?"

"Now my ex," he answered. "We divorced a few months ago."

"I'm sorry," Kathryn said sincerely.

"Don't be. It wasn't a happy marriage. But it's all water under the bridge now. What matters now is the future."

Gretchen spoke. "Absolutely. And what a future we all have to look forward to!"

"Indeed," Mark smiled. He then turned to Chakotay and held out his hand. "Forgive my bad manners in not greeting you. I'm Dr Mark Johnson, Captain Janeway's former fiancé. Unless you're a hologram, then you're her First Officer, Commander Chakotay."

"That's right," Chakotay said quietly as he shook Mark's hand.

"It's an honor to meet you. I've heard a lot about you and I think it very admirable the way you were willing to work alongside the captain who was on a mission to capture you. I wish you all the best in the future."

"Thank you," Chakotay mumbled.

Mark then turned back to Kathryn and offered her his hand. "Dance with me?"

Kathryn hesitated, but then took his hand. "My pleasure, Sir."

Mark proudly led her onto the dancefloor, and Chakotay watched with tears in his eyes as their arms entwined around each other.

"I'm so happy Mark's single again," Phoebe commented. "Kathryn's never had much luck in the romantic stakes and it's about time she had some. She always pretends to be a tough cookie, but I know it must have broken her heart to get that letter saying he was married. "

"It wouldn't surprise me if we hear wedding bells soon," Gretchen said. "I don't think either of them will want to hang around this time. Too many years have been wasted already."

Chakotay could endure no more and excused himself from their company. Struggling to hold back the tears, he went into the water garden and leant against a terrace that overlooked an ornamental pond. He felt as though he was dying inside, suffocating from the pain in his heart. Gone was any hope now of a future with Kathryn. Just as he'd feared in the early years of their journey, Mark was waiting in the wings and it was with him she would want to build a new life. He'd lost Kathryn, lost her before he'd ever had her, and he couldn't bear it. He didn't want to bear it. He just wanted to die.

"Hey, big guy."

The voice was B'Elanna's, but Chakotay ignored her.

"I've just heard about the Captain and Mark. I'm sorry. I know how you feel about the captain."

A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek. "It was never going to happen between us. She's out of my league."

"That's not true, Chakotay. You're an amazing guy and she'd be lucky to have you. I'm sure she'd say that herself. It's just that she and this Mark guy have a history. If she hadn't of been engaged when we got stranded, if he wasn't free now, then maybe things would have worked out for you. I'm sure they would have."

"No, I've never stood a chance. But that's ok. She deserves better than me. I'm glad for her sake that Mark's free. He made her happy and that's all I want, for her to be happy." Tears flooded his eyes. "I just wish the pain wasn't killing me."

B'Elanna drew him close and hugged him hard. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I'm really sorry."

Chakotay accepted her comfort, although it did nothing to ease his agony, then he drew away. "I'm supposed to be seeing her later," he said. "But I can't face it now. When the party's winding down can you make my excuses? She won't want to see me, anyway. She'll be busy with Mark."

"Sure. What do you want me to say?"

"That I've called it a night, that I'm leaving for Trebus tomorrow."

B'Elanna's eyes widened in alarm. "You're going to Trebus tomorrow?"

Chakotay nodded. "I need to see my sister."

"But tomorrow? It's so soon."

"Right now, it's not soon enough."

"But if you're gone, how will everyone say goodbye to you?"

"This party is our goodbye, B'Elanna. You know that. When it's over, everyone is going home to family or friends."

"Not everyone. Some have no where to go. That's why you and the Captain are staying here. And most of those who have no where to go are Maquis. Are you just going to desert them?"

"They don't need me. Riana, Jake and Flix are going to get a place together and Jules is going to stay with Neil Foster and his family for a while."

"But..."

"I've made my decision, B'Elanna. Will you tell the Captain or not?"

"I've said I will. But you can't leave without saying goodbye to her, Chakotay. She deserves that."

"I know," he said sadly. "And I will. At least, I'll try."

Tears filled B'Elanna's eyes. "You will be back, right? You're not going to stay on Trebus forever?"

"No. I've been offered a teaching post at the academy, starting after Christmas, and I mean to take it. I just need some time to myself, need some space to come to terms with everything."

"I understand. And I really am sorry about the Captain. I wish things could have been different."

Chakotay said nothing, just cast his eyes to the pond.

"If you promise to spare my toes," B'Elanna said. "I'm free for a dance."

"Thank you," Chakotay answered, "but I'd rather stay out here alone for a bit."

"Ok. But don't stay out too long. We need our First Officer."

With that, she squeezed his arm and left.

It was not until the early hours of the morning that the party started to wind down. Every moment was a torture to Chakotay, but he did his best to smile and be gracious. A lot of people wanted to talk to him, a lot of female crewmembers wanted to dance with him, and somehow, someway, he managed to do all that was expected despite his inner turmoil. But facing Kathryn was one thing he couldn't do. Instead, he avoided her. It wasn't difficult as Mark was with her at every opportunity. As he stood by a pillar, watching as Kathryn talked with Mark in the crowd, Tuvok approached him.

"There is an old Vulcan saying," he said, "eyes seldom see the truth and ears seldom hear it. As soon as the Captain took to the dancefloor with her former fiancé, lips began to say they are back together. Eyes and ears adjudged that a truth. However, the Captain has not said they are once again a couple and I do not believe they are. Her heart may have been engaged to his once, but now it abides elsewhere. Believe not what your eyes see and believe not what your ears hear."

"I don't know what you're getting at exactly," Chakotay replied, "but if you're trying to tell me that the Captain doesn't want Mark then you're wrong."

"Am I? Be not precipitous. The Captain..."

"Has a chance of happiness with the man she thought she'd lost. That's all there is to it, that's all there is to say. I wish them well and so should you."

"Commander..."

"Some times things are what they seem, Tuvok. Logic should tell you that."

Without another word, he left the Vulcan and went over to a table. He picked up a glass of brandy and was just about to down it when B'Elanna appeared.

"I hate to have to rush you," she said, "but Tom's eager to get back to Miral and so am I. If you want me to play the messenger then it'll have to be soon."

"Then let's make it now," Chakotay replied. "I'm done here."

"Ok. But are you sure you don't want to tell her yourself? Or, better yet, change your mind about leaving?"

"No, it's all arranged. I'm leaving with Kenzi and Leski at noon. They have family on Trebus too."

Tears filled B'Elanna's eyes. "Then I guess this is goodbye."

"Yes," he said.

B'Elanna hugged him. "I'm going to miss you, big guy."

Chakotay hugged her back. "You too."

"Say hi to your sister for me," B'Elanna said as she drew away. "She's bound to remember me. I almost broke her arm when I thought she was an intruder."

Chakotay's mouth smiled, but there was profound sadness in his eyes.

"Take care, big guy. And don't be gone too long."

"I won't. Goodbye, B'Elanna."

"Goodbye," she said.

Chakotay then left and B'Elanna made her way over to Kathryn. Voyager's Captain was talking with Reg Barclay now, or rather Reg was doing all the talking, and Mark was beside them.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," B'Elanna said, "but I'd like a word, Captain."

Kathryn turned to her. "Sure, B'Elanna." She put her hand on Reg's arm. "We'll finish this conversation later."

The eccentric officer smiled. "As you wish, Captain."

Kathryn then drew to the side with B'Elanna. "What is it?"

"I have a message from Chakotay. He's called it a night and wants you to know he can't make an engagement with you. He's leaving for Trebus at noon so needs to rest."

A shadow fell over Kathryn's face. "At noon?"

"Yes. He wants to see his sister."

"I see," Kathryn said quietly.

"Kenzi and Leski are going with him."

Kathryn said nothing, just stared at her hands.

"Well," B'Elanna said uncomfortably. "That's all I have to say. I won't keep you. The sooner Reg finishes his story the sooner you'll get to bed."

Silence.

"Goodnight, Captain. Me and Tom are off now."

At this, Kathryn looked up. "Goodnight, B'Elanna."

"And thank you. I know I've said it before, but I want to say it again. Thank you for giving me a chance on Voyager, for letting me have the opportunity to prove myself. All my life I felt like a loser, like I never belonged anywhere. Even in the Maquis. It wasn't my quarrel and...and the anger of others just fueled mine. Voyager's the only place I've really belonged, the only place I've really been happy. Tom too. And that's all down to you, Captain. You were the heart and soul of Voyager and...and I'm really going to miss you."

With tears in her eyes, Kathryn drew the half-Klingon close. "I'm going to miss you too, B'Elanna. But we'll see each other all the time. I promise."

B'Elanna hugged her in return. "We'd better."

B'Elanna then left and Kathryn watched her go. As she did, Mark put his hand on her shoulder.

"Is everything ok?"

"No," Kathryn said quietly. "It isn't." She then turned to him. "We need to talk. Let's go into the garden."

Mark followed her into the garden and they made their way onto the terrace that overlooked the glittering pond.

"There's no easy way of saying this," Kathryn said sadly, "so I'll just say it. We can't go back, Mark. We can't pick up where we left off seven years ago. If you haven't changed, then I have."

"I have changed," he replied. "I'm not the man I was then. Losing you changed me. It made me realize what's important in life. And that's the people we love. I was sorry for the time we wasted, for all the energy we put into our careers instead of each other. I won't make that mistake again."

"Neither will I. I know I made you feel second to my career sometimes and I'm sorry for that. You were never second." Tears filled her eyes. "I have happy memories of our time together and I'll always cherish them. But let's not idealize what we had. We both know there were major problems in our relationship. We wanted very different things and had very little in common. What we had was good, but there can be better. For both of us."

Mark lowered his eyes. "You love someone else."

"I do," Kathryn admitted. "I'm sorry."

"No," he said. "Don't be. You're free to love whoever you want. You owe me nothing. What we had was over a long time ago." He paused. "To be honest, I didn't want to come tonight but your mother twisted my arm. I think she hoped we'd fall into each other's arms and live happily ever after."

"Sounds like Mom."

"I wish you all the best, Kathryn. I hope you and this guy, whoever he is, will be very happy together."

"Thank you, Mark. I wish you all the best too. But I'm not sorry you came tonight. It's been good to see you and I'm glad we had this conversation. I think it's one we both needed."

"Yes," he agreed. "We never had proper closure and that bothered me. But we have it now." He paused. "But I hope we can still be friends, Kath. We were friends for so long."

"Of course we can," she said.

Mark smiled. "Then I'm happy." He then opened his arms to her. "Now, give me a hug."

Kathryn obliged and they hugged warmly in the cool evening breeze.

Chakotay's hotel room was next to Kathryn's in a lavish corridor of gold walls and marble tiles, and she stopped outside it as she made her way to her room. Every part of her longed to ring the door chime, to walk into the room and tell Chakotay that she loved him, but just as she was about to press the button, she withdrew her hand. She couldn't do it. Even though she guessed that Chakotay had canceled their meeting out of politeness, because he mistakenly thought she would want to spend time with Mark, she didn't know that for certain. He may have canceled their meeting because he didn't want to see her. Maybe he'd guessed what she was going to say and thought it was better to avoid her than to have to tell her he didn't love her anymore. Maybe that's why he was rushing off to Trebus. There was no way of knowing and she was afraid to ask. Somehow, someway, she was going to have to find the courage to tell him, and before he left for Trebus, but she couldn't now. Besides, there was every chance he was sleeping and she didn't want to disturb him. So, instead of ringing the door chime, she walked away from the door, opened her own, and went into her room.

END OF CHAPTER 23