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Hearts Astray

Chapter 26

A WEEK LATER

In her state of the art office at Starfleet Headquarters, Kathryn replicated herself a glass of orange juice and then sat on a blue sofa to enjoy it. The afternoon had been busy, busier than usual, and she was taking a well earned rest. As she relaxed, she switched on her personal padd and watched a video scan of her embryonic babies that The Doctor had taken two days earlier. In this video she could see their tiny forms clearly and although she had watched the clip many times already, the sight of them still thrilled and amazed her. They all had their own sac and, at six weeks old, were developed enough for heads and budding limbs to be seen. Kathryn couldn't wait to pick names for them with Chakotay. They would probably name one baby each and one together. For her one naming, she was inclined towards James. James Edward. James because she liked it and Edward after her father.

Suddenly, the door chime played. Kathryn switched off the padd and called out.

"Come in!"

The doors to her office opened and The Doctor came in.

"Good afternoon, Admiral," he smiled. "I'm glad to see you're heeding my advice and taking things easy."

"I always heed your advice, Doctor," Kathryn replied. "I just don't always act on it."

"And don't I know it. But now that you're pregnant, you must do what I say. Your babies are depending on you."

"Oh, don't be so up tight, Doctor," she laughed. "I'm only teasing."

"When it comes to you and your health, I'm always up tight. You're hardly a model patient."

"From now on, I'll be a model to the model. Now, how can I help you?"

"By helping yourself and reading these books I recommend," he said, handing her a list.

"But you've recommended ten dozen already. Anymore and I'll still be reading them when the babies are in school."

"Hardly ten dozen, Admiral. More like a dozen. And those were general pregnancy books. These are specific to triplets."

"I see. I'll replicate them tonight."

"Be sure that you do. It's important that you know what to expect as your babies grow."

"I'm looking forward to it. Not to being as big as a whale but to having a bump." She gestured to a sofa chair opposite. "Now, sit yourself down and tell me about your afternoon. Anything interesting happen?"

"Hardly," The Doctor said as he sat. "The most riveting thing I've done since we got home is a heart transplant. Life as a physician in this quadrant just doesn't have the challenges of the Delta Quadrant. There I was making medical history nearly every day, here I'm only making prescriptions."

"The Delta Quadrant was indeed a challenging place," Kathryn replied, "but the Alpha Quadrant has its challenges too. There are still diseases and viruses without a cure and still advances to be made in medical science. What you need is a project. There are medical research teams investigating all kinds of medical phenomenon. I'll see if I can get you assigned to a team."

"Thank you, Admiral," The Doctor said, "but I fear it would infringe on my duties as a general practitioner. As well as my responsibilities here, I am the primary physician to all our Voyager crew. I cannot neglect my responsibilities."

"You wouldn't have to be a full time team member," Kathryn answered. "You could just be involved in the project. You could do as little or as much work as your duties permit."

The Doctor smiled. "That would be excellent, Admiral. Thank you."

"In the meantime," Kathryn said, "I have a theory for you to mull over."

"Let me guess," he replied, "about your pregnancy?"

"Yes. I know there's every possibility that things happened naturally, but as I was struck by the anomaly and sent into temporal chaos, there's every possibility that things didn't happen naturally too. I've given it a lot of thought and have finally come up with a theory. Although you managed to bring me into temporal alignment after I was sent into chaos, I would still have suffered the after effects of temporal flux for several hours, right?"

"Right," The Doctor answered. "48 at least. You wouldn't have had any symptoms after the first few, but full temporal adjustment wouldn't have happened for at least 48 hours."

"So, for at least 48 hours I would have had brief episodes of cellular chaos?"

"Yes. But the episodes would have been so brief, and by that I mean a fraction of a second, that you wouldn't have been aware of them."

"No, but if an episode happened shortly after I conceived, it's possible, isn't it, that during an episode the zygote was duplicated?"

"It's possible," The Doctor answered. "When a body goes into cellular chaos, cells mirror. But when the episode is over, they merge back and return to their normal state."

"Yes. But what if in this case they didn't? A zygote is a whole human being in just one or a few cells. If it was duplicated once or twice during an episode then when the episode was over the three zygotes may not have merged back into one because they were self-contained units."

"It's certainly possible," The Doctor said. "It wouldn't happen to an embryo or a fetus, because they are too advanced and wouldn't be duplicated whole, but to an egg that has just been fertilized it's quite possible. But that doesn't mean it happened in your case. The overwhelming likelihood is your triplets happened naturally."

"I know. I'm just finding it hard to believe."

"You and every other mother of triplets. But it happens every day, Admiral. It's a natural, not a temporal, phenomenon."

Suddenly, a female voice spoke over the comm.

"Admiral Vale to Admiral Janeway."

Kathryn responded. "Admiral Janeway here."

"I'd like to speak with you immediately. Please report to my office."

"I'll be right there, Janeway out."

As the connection terminated, The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "Orders, Admiral? I thought you were above that now."

Kathryn laughed. "I'm only a vice admiral, remember. Admiral Vale is an admiral and therefore my superior."

"Of course. I forgot."

Kathryn got to her feet. "Walk with me to the lifts?"

The Doctor smiled and stood too. "My pleasure."

Admiral Vale's office was on the twentieth floor and was just a short walk from the lift. When Kathryn reached it, she rang the door chime, straightened her slouch, and then waited for the doors to open. They did in seconds and Kathryn stepped into the office. It was bigger than her own, though not by much, and from a row of windows was a magnificent view of San Francisco. Admiral Meril Vale, an elderly woman with short silver hair, was sitting before a window and she looked troubled.

"Kathryn," she said informally. "Thank you for coming so promptly. Please, take a seat."

Kathryn went to sit beside her and the woman picked up a coffee pot. "Coffee?"

As hard as it was to resist the enticing aroma, Kathryn managed to refuse. "No, thank you."

The Admiral poured only herself a cup, adding sugar and cream, and then spoke. "I'm afraid I have bad news," she said sadly. "As you know, one of my areas of responsibility is recruiting spies to infiltrate the criminal space world. Today, from one of them, I received intelligence concerning your former First Officer, Commander Chakotay."

Kathryn flinched. "Chakotay? What about him?"

"According to my source, he has been captured by The Atoners."

"The Atoners?"

"A criminal gang made up of disgruntled and dangerous individuals who are on a crusade against ex-Maquis. Some are in it just for the thrill but most are in it to avenge the death of a loved one at Maquis hands. They operate in Federation space, and beyond, and work in association with Cardassians. Over the last three years they've captured seven ex-Maquis. Two they returned alive after torture, two they returned dead, and three they handed over to the Cardassians. What they do with a captive totally depends on how highly they rate that captive. The higher the rate, the higher the punishment. I need not tell you that they will rate Chakotay very highly. This means there is very little chance of him being returned alive. I'm sorry."

At these words, Kathryn just stared at the admiral in horror, unable to think, unable to speak. Gently, the woman reached out and put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder.

"Of course, we can still hope. Chakotay was not involved in acts against civilians and that might work in his favor. They may torture him only."

Kathryn's stunned senses re-engaged now. "That's not good enough for me. We've got to track down these Atoners and rescue him."

"Don't you think we would if we could? They're clever, Kathryn. Some of Starfleet's greatest minds are amongst them. We've never been able to find them, let alone capture them, and have no idea now where they are."

"But you say you have a spy amongst them. He or she must have information."

"Our spy is a double agent. He doesn't know we know that, but we do. The information he gives us is always relayed and always untraceable. He says he does it for self-protection but he does it because he's one of them. He's never helped us to capture them, always helped them to evade us. We don't know where he is, how to contact him, and haven't seen him in two years. We let him think he's fooling us because the information he sends us is better than no information at all."

"I'm not accepting there's nothing we can do," Kathryn cried, pain manifesting in anger. "We can find out where Chakotay was captured and send out ships in all directions to pursue them."

"We've done that, several times, but have never found them. Their ships are cloaked and we've never been able to detect them. Besides, by the time we reach the place of capture, they will have already determined his fate. They never hold a captive for longer than 24 hours without either returning them or handing them over to the Cardassians. Within the next few hours we will receive a message from The Atoners, relayed as always, confirming that they've captured Chakotay and telling us what they've done with him. If they return him, they'll tell us where we can find him. This is always in space. They never come within ten light years of Earth."

"So, you're saying we just wait?" Kathryn asked in frustration. "We do nothing while they torture Chakotay to death?"

"There's nothing we can do. At least, no more than we're doing already. And believe me, we're doing all we can. We have five crews out there trying to track them down and a team in this very building trying to do the same."

"Then let me consult with a team. I have to be involved in this. I have to try and find Chakotay."

"I understand," Admiral Vale replied. "And of course I'll let you consult with a team. But there really is nothing you can hope to achieve."

After a three hour consultation with the investigating team, Kathryn retired to her office. The news of Chakotay's abduction was all over the Federation now and journalists were camped outside Starfleet Headquarters in the hope of getting an interview with anyone connected with Voyager. But while Admiral Paris had made a short statement, Kathryn had nothing to say. In fact, she barred all incoming calls from the media and cocooned herself in her office. Admiral Vale had been right. There was nothing she could do to help Chakotay. Sure, she could grab a shuttle and fly off into space to look for him, but unless she knew where to look she would be wasting her time. To find out his likely position at the time of capture, she would have to find out when exactly he left Trebus and which route to Earth he had taken. Finding out when he had left Trebus would take time, as his sister would have to be contacted, and finding out which route he had taken could be impossible as he might not have told anyone. By the time she had this information, or as much as she could get, The Atoners could be anywhere. The investigation team were in the process now of sending someone to Trebus to ask about Chakotay's departure, as they were trying to get as much information about his abduction and the movement of The Atoners as they could, but Kathryn knew that the information would be too slow in coming to be of any practical use in rescuing him. In less that 24 hours The Atoners would decide his fate. Her only hope now was that they'd return him alive.

Suddenly, the door chime played. For a long moment Kathryn ignored it, not wanting to face who ever was there, especially if it was Admiral Vale with bad news, but then she responded.

"Come in!"

The doors to her office opened and B'Elanna barged in.

"Admiral," she cried, visibly distressed. "I've just heard about Chakotay. And I can't believe it, I can't!"

Kathryn got up from her desk. "I'm struggling to myself."

"We've got to find these Atoners and rescue him!"

"That was my initial thought," Kathryn said, walking over to her, "but we can't. I've just spent the last three hours with a team investigating this gang and there's no way we'll be able to find them, at least not fast enough to rescue him."

"So, what?" B'Elanna asked in disbelief, "we don't try?"

"The investigating team is doing all we could do and more."

B'Elanna paced the floor in agitation. "But we have skills they don't! We have technology they don't! We can find these Atoners, I know we can!"

"They're clever, B'Elanna, and they're evasive. For two years there have been five crews out there trying to find them but they never have. If we head into space we'll be heading on a wild goose chase. I know you don't want to accept that, I don't either, but we have to accept it. These Atoners are out of our reach. We have to let those assigned to finding them do their job. They've been studying this gang for years and have knowledge and experience that we don't have and can't hope to acquire quickly."

"I'm not trusting strangers to find Chakotay!" B'Elanna cried. "And how can you? How can you do nothing while he's in the hands of these maniacs?"

"Sometimes we have to trust strangers. Sometimes we have to accept our own limitations."

B'Elanna put her hands to her head. "I can't believe I'm hearing this! You've never accepted limitations, not ever! You've taken on the Borg, the Kazon, the Hirogen...why not these lunatics? Why?"

"Because they're invisible, B'Elanna. How do we find cloaked ships when we don't even know where to look for them? By the time we do know where Chakotay was taken, or at least have a rough idea, it will be too late to help him. The Atoners always decide a captive's fate within 24 hours. All we can do is hope they return Chakotay alive."

"And if they don't? If they hold onto him?"

"Then we reconsider our options once we have some idea where he was taken. But for now, all we can do is wait."

Breathless with anger and grief, B'Elanna sank to the floor and tearfully clenched her fists. "I can't bear this...I can't bear it."

Slowly, Kathryn knelt beside her and put her hand on the half-Klingon's shoulder. "Be strong, B'Elanna. Chakotay would want you to be strong."

B'Elanna roughly pushed Kathryn's hand away. "I don't want to hear it! I'm not a rod of iron like you! I feel things! I feel this!"

"And you think I don't? You're not the only one who loves Chakotay."

"Then why aren't you doing something? We have to do something!"

Before Kathryn could reply, the door chime played. Reluctantly, Kathryn got to her feet. "Come in!"

The doors opened and Admiral Vale came in. It was obvious from the look on her face that she did not bear good news and Kathryn felt the last of her remaining strength ebb.

"Admiral Janeway," she said, "I would like to speak with you in private."

"If you have news about Chakotay," Kathryn replied, somehow managing to stay in control, "I'd like B'Elanna to hear it."

The admiral hesitated, but then conceded to the request. "Very well. I have received another communication. This time an official one from The Atoners confirming they have captured Commander Chakotay and informing us of his fate." She paused. "They have handed him over to the Cardassians."

Blood drained out of Kathryn's face and she had to grab a chair to steady herself.

"There is no hope now for the Commander's life. I'm sorry."

B'Elanna got to her feet and angrily addressed the admiral. "Sorry? You're not sorry! What is Chakotay to you? Nothing but Maquis trash! That's what we all are! But he's someone to us and we won't give up on him! We'll find him, even if it means flying to the heart of Cardassian space!"

"With all due respect, Lieutenant," the Admiral replied, "the Commander will most likely be dead before you get there. And I am sorry. Deeply and truly. Chakotay was a fine officer and one I worked with for several years before he joined the Maquis. He was a brave, loyal and principled man. I wish there was something I could do to save him, but there isn't. We are having difficulty enough penetrating our own criminal underworld. Penetrating the Cardassian is impossible."

"Nothing is impossible," B'Elanna yelled. "Nothing! And why wasn't he warned about these Atoners? Why weren't we all?

"I don't know. Maybe it was assumed you knew."

"How would we when we've been in the Delta Quadrant for seven years? Or were you all secretly hoping they'd get us ex-Maquis? Is that it?"

"That's not even worth an answer. Yes, you should have been warned, but to most people The Atoners are unimportant. They're of little interest to the media, at least they were until now, and are generally considered low threat. They're small in number and most of their activity takes place in remote space. That's how they got Chakotay. That's how they got all the other Maquis."

"Then that's all the more reason for us to fly out there!" She turned to Kathryn. "And we will, won't we, Admiral? We'll go to look for Chakotay?"

For a long moment, Kathryn said nothing, then she found her voice. "Admiral Vale's right, B'Elanna. We have no hope of finding him."

Tears filled B'Elanna's eyes. "How can you say that, how? They won't kill him immediately, you know that! They'll pass him to someone who wants him. That gives us time!"

"To do what?" Kathryn asked. " Fly to Cardassian space and ask if anyone's seen him? Come on, B'Elanna, be realistic! Get a grip!"

"I won't accept we've lost him," B'Elanna cried. "I won't."

"I'm not asking you too. Just because he's in Cardassian hands, doesn't mean he's dead. A lot of Cardassians owe him. He saved a lot of lives in the conflict, lives he could easily have taken, and they won't forget. Chakotay's a fighter and he'll fight for survival now."

B'Elanna calmed a bit at this. "You're right, a lot of them owe him. But we can't let him fight alone, we have to help him."

Admiral Vale spoke now. "We have spies and agents everywhere. They'll do all they can. But there really is very little hope of us ever seeing the Commander again. The Atoners have handed three people over to the Cardassians in the last three years and none of them have ever been heard of again."

"I'm not giving up," B'Elanna cried. "I'll do this alone if I have to!"

"What about your daughter?" Admiral Vale argued. "Are you just going to abandon her while you fly off to Cardassian space? Or are you going to take her with you and risk her life? Because if you go out there, B'Elanna, the chances are you'll either end up dead or in the hands of The Atoners too. Is that what you want? Is that what Chakotay would want? Is it?"

B'Elanna let out a frustrated wail and then clasped her hands together. "I can't be helpless...I've got to do something..."

"Then how about I assign you to the investigating team? You have a lot to offer and you'll be doing something practical to help catch The Atoners."

"Catching The Atoners won't help Chakotay, not if he's out of their hands!"

"No, but the team will still be looking for Chakotay. He won't be written off as dead for seven years. The Atoners won't stop until they're stopped. I'm giving you a chance now to help us stop them."

B'Elanna clenched her fists, groaned, but then relented. "Ok, I'll do it. But Chakotay is my top priority, understand?"

The Admiral nodded. "Understood." She then looked at Kathryn, whose eyes were fixed on the floor. "Now, I suggest you both go home. The Atoners have given their message. There will be no more news."

"I'm going nowhere," B'Elanna cried. "I want to join the team immediately."

"Very well. Report to Commander Drex. He's a team supervisor and is in room 50 on the fifth floor. Tell him I've assigned you to the team. He'll get you up to speed."

"I'll go right away."

Without another word, B'Elanna left the room. When she was gone, Admiral Vale went over to Kathryn. Voyager's former captain was deathly pale and the look on her face was a torture to behold.

"I truly am sorry," the Admiral said kindly. "I know you and Chakotay were close."

"He's not dead," Kathryn replied, forcing herself to look up. "I won't accept that."

"Then don't. The odds are against Chakotay returning, but so were the odds against Voyager getting home. Just keep your optimism in check. If Chakotay does survive, it could be years before we see him again. He'll either be kept hostage on a ship or transferred to a prison. The Cardassian government claims they regard those who work and trade with The Atoners as criminals, but in reality they endorse them." Kindly, she put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "If you want to avoid the media circus, you're welcome to stay with me tonight."

"Thank you," Kathryn said, "but I'd rather go home."

"I understand. If you need anything, or have questions you think I can help answer, just give me a call."

"I will, thank you."

The Admiral gave a sad smile, squeezed Kathryn's arm, and then left.

On the balcony of her apartment that night, sitting on a wicker couch, Kathryn gazed out vacantly at the sunset beach below. Usually the ruby sky and lapping crimson waves were a soothing lullaby to her senses, but to her senses now the blood red was a horrifying symbol of death. Since she'd received the news of Chakotay's capture, all had been turmoil in her mind, chaos. But, as she'd done so many times in the Delta Quadrant, she was navigating through the confusion by suppressing the raging emotions inside. Denying her feelings, numbing the pain, was the only way she could get through the storm. If she let herself feel the pain, just for a moment, it would drown her in a sea of agony. She had to believe, against all the odds, that Chakotay wasn't dead, that some day he'd return. If she didn't believe that, if she gave up the hope, then the grief would be too much to bear. For the sake of her babies, their precious babies, she had to be strong, had to keep the faith.

Suddenly, the glass door behind her opened and her mother appeared. She was carrying two glasses of lemonade and she handed one to Kathryn.

"An ice cold lemonade," she declared, "just as you asked for."

Kathryn slowly turned to her mother and took the drink. "Thanks, Mom."

Gretchen then sat beside Kathryn, mindful of Fluffy who was curled up at her feet, and looked at her daughter sadly.

"I know what you're going through," she said. "I've been through it twice. Once when you, your father and Justin were missing, and then when Voyager went missing. The uncertainty, the not knowing, they're soul destroying and yet...and yet soul reviving too. Because until you're told the worst you can always hope for the best. And I always did. Even when everyone else had written you and your crew off as dead, I hadn't. I always hoped in my heart that somehow you'd survived. That hope kept me going, helped to numb the pain of grief. And you must do the same. You must always hope that your friend is alive, that some day you'll see him again. My hope was rewarded and yours may be too."

Kathryn fidgeted with her fingers. "Chakotay's not just my friend," she said quietly. "He's much more than that. He's my husband."

Gretchen flinched. "Husband?"

Kathryn nodded. "We married before he left for Trebus. It was a spur of the moment thing, a whirlwind wedding. We wanted it that way, wanted it to be just the two of us. For so many years we'd had to deny our feelings because of our positions and we wanted to be impulsive. I didn't tell you because we wanted it to be our secret, something that belonged just to us until he got back. Then we would have told you together." She paused. "I love him, Mom. I love him so much."

Tearfully, Gretchen reached for Kathryn's hand and squeezed it. "Oh Katie."

"We had our future planned. We'd make a home together, somewhere, anywhere, and we'd both work on Earth. Finally the time seemed right for us."

"I'm so sorry, darling."

"I should have known it was all too good to be true. Whenever something good happens to me, something terrible happens to ruin it."

"I've felt like that many times too. But it isn't you, isn't me, it's space. It's a dangerous place and Starfleet is a dangerous profession. I've never told you this, as I didn't want to spoil things for you, but when you told me you were joining Starfleet, I wept. I'd worried so much about your father over the years, come close to losing him many times, and now I was going to have to worry about you aswell. And I did. I worried every time you were in space. But I respected it was your choice, just as I respected it was your father's. When he died, the pain was unbearable, but I knew he'd died doing what he loved and I knew, when I married a Starfleet officer, that some day I might be a widow. Space, it asks many sacrifices, takes many lives. Never think it's you. You're not jinxed. It's space. Space killed your father and Justin, space separated you from Mark, and space has now claimed Chakotay. But what space takes, it often gives back. Twice it gave you back to me. It might give back Chakotay too. You have to believe that it will, have to hold on to the hope."

"I am," she said, "I must. When Justin and Daddy died, I fell apart. I had no interest in anything, not even in living. I can't ever let myself get to that point again. I've got to be strong. Even if the worst happens. Because there isn't just me to consider. I'm pregnant."

At this news, Gretchen flung her arms around Kathryn. "Oh Katie, that's fantastic! Fantastic!"

"It is," Kathryn replied. "And that's not all. I'm having triplets."

Gretchen drew away. "Triplets?"

Kathryn nodded. "Identical boys."

"Really? You're sure?"

"As sure as The Doctor and my tricorder tell me."

Gretchen hugged her again. "I can't believe it...I can't."

"Neither can I. I don't think I will until they're born."

"When are they due?"

"June. The Doctor wants to bring them out early."

Gretchen wiped away a tear. "I'm so happy. I know I shouldn't be, with Chakotay gone, but I am."

"Chakotay would want you to be. We didn't plan this pregnancy, so he doesn't know about it, but if he did he'd want this news to bring joy. And he'd want me to take care of myself, do my best for the babies, so that's what I have to do."

Tears then filled her eyes and she turned away, fighting to suppress them. At the sight of them, Gretchen squeezed her hand.

"It's ok to cry, Katie."

"I can't," Kathryn answered. "I can't let myself. Because if I do, I won't stop. And to cry is to give up hope."

"Not really. I never gave up hope that you were alive, but I cried for you. Even when we found out you were alive after all I cried for you. I cried for our parting, for missing you, for the lost dreams, and most of all for what you were going through. Sometimes crying helps us to cope."

A stubborn tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "It makes me sick," she said, "to think of what he's going through. The Cardassians they...I don't need to tell you what they are. And I can't bear it. I can't bear to think of what they're doing to him..." She could say no more as tears choked her.

Gently, her mother drew her close. "Let it out, darling."

In the sanctuary of her mother's arms, Kathryn finally let down her defenses and wept until she could weep no more.

END OF CHAPTER 26