AN: FIRST OFF:
This chapter was really fun to write. Ryou goes through some major emotional angst in it xD
Plus, you all find out what happened to Tristan!
Then…
The first line of this chapter (`The light slips through the window') is similar to the line "The light, it slipped through the window" from the chorus from The Hush Sound's "Don't Wake Me Up" `cause they're super amazing. xD
Just through I'd throw that out there. Ha.
Uhm…what else?
Oh, I wrote this chapter when I had tonsillitis =) Random fact of the day.
Anyway, I'm going to bed now 'cause it's half past 12 in the morning in England.
Enjoy everybody!
Borderline
"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."
-Arthur Schopenhauer
21; We Lied
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!, and this storyline is absolutely, positively fictional. I mean no offense to anyone.
The light slips through the window.
Winter sunshine shines outside, warming and melting the ice and frost that dots the landscape.
It warms people scampering through town on errands.
It warms the animals that dash about on Rockford's forested grounds.
It warms life.
Ryou clenches his eyes shut.
He's got a headache.
Again.
He lifts up his hands (they each feel like 20 pound weights) groggily and covers his eyes, and he groans.
The sunshine won't warm Tristan.
The sunshine won't warm Tristan because Tristan is cooped up in a hospital room downtown with life support attached on his freakin' body because he's in a freakin' coma because of a stupid mistake Ryou made.
Ryou's watch beeps.
He dares to peer out of his hands for one split second and check the time.
3:30 PM.
It's been exactly 24 hours since Tristan's accident. (Ryou remembered the time and set his watch.)
He gulps.
After it happened, all Ryou remembers is being gently lifted up by Yugi (the only one who wasn't completely freaking out at the moment), Duke on his cell phone madly chattering with a 911 operator, and then frantically being shuffled back to Ward 227 with a nervous Jared, a hysterical Joey, a furious Seto, and an exceedingly distraught Yugi, his head pounding like his heart beat and every part of him feeling 100 pounds heavier.
When they returned to the too-well known ward, they were finally all silent. (Before, on the walk back, there had been some crying and "shhh"'s and quite a bit of foul language.) Joey was obviously crying as they all stood there at the doorway, and immediately Seto pulled him into a big hug.
The two stood there for so long in the embrace that eventually Jared, Ryou, and Yugi just left, going on their own ways, not waiting for Seto and Joey to break apart.
Yugi went to the TV room and flicked on the channel to some movie, trying to pretend that none of it was happening.
Jared disappeared into the nurses' station.
Ryou walked like a zombie into the "off limits" living room and fell down on the sofa into a deep sleep.
He woke up 7 hours later at 10:45 PM to pitch blackness and Jared walking in, announcing quietly but steadily that Tristan was declared to be in a coma and put on life support as soon as he got in the hospital.
Ryou hadn't moved from his spot on the sofa since the announcement (with the exception of one time to go to the bathroom).
Ryou's actually extremely glad he's been asleep for most of the past day and a half.
Apparently, according to Duke (who got back to the ward after the ambulance arrived at the scene of the accident and he was free to go), everyone was bustling about in crazy worry and no one was the least bit positive and the air was disgustingly tense as they all awaited news of Tristan's condition, and even now, after the news was out, everyone still is a bit hostile and very uneasy towards one another.
Just the thought of all that hysteria makes Ryou sick, so he's glad he's been unconscious for most of it.
So Jared and Duke are busy at the nurses' station doing who knows what, Yugi is in his room with his CDs (he's arranging them by favorite songs today), Seto is playing bass in the Art Room down the hall (Ryou can hear him), and Joey is probably in the TV room just zoning out to a cartoon like he normally does.
Ryou buries his face deeper into the lemon-yellow pillow.
And, of course, he can't forget…
…He hasn't seen one trace of Bakura for the past 24 hours.
"Ryou. Ryou."
The wonderful haze of peaceful sleep slowly leaves Ryou as his eyes crack open to a misty view of Duke leaning over him.
The only light spilling into the room is from the hallway, so Ryou figures he fell asleep again and it's now nighttime.
"Wake up," Duke whispers, and Ryou can't help himself—he lets out a big yawn.
Then, slowly, he blinks once or twice to clear his head and eyes. "What is it?" he slurs in return, his tone just as quiet as Duke's and also rather sleepy.
Duke tries not to show it on his face, but Ryou catches the nervous glint in his eye and the tiny, tiny frown that pulls at the corner of his lips.
"Dr. Sampson needs to see you in ten minutes."
Ryou's heart rate speeds up.
Dr. Sampson.
Bakura's psychiatrist.
And, apparently, the doctor that worked with the worst cases, or the doctor that worked with you when you had major problems.
Oh, God.
Ryou doesn't know what to think as he slowly gets up from the couch, feeling his muscles ache in protest as they've been numb and unmoving for so long. It feels weird to move.
For a split second after he's finally standing, he staggers, not used to being on his feet. But then Duke grabs his arm and he steadies himself, and ignoring Duke's, "Whoa. You okay?" he walks robotically out of the room and into the hallway.
The artificial light burns his eyes at first, and he squints. He notices Joey and Seto and Yugi standing at the door to Ward 227.
They're all staring at him, wide-eyed in shock because they haven't seen Ryou for a day and his hair's a mess and his eyes are blood shot and his face is deathly pale and his clothes are wrinkled and his eyes are almost black.
Ryou can't help but smile a teeny bit at their expressions.
He likes that effect he has on people.
Slowly, he begins sauntering forward and steps to the door. He pauses a moment, and turns to the young men surrounding him.
He shoots a small smile.
"Hey," he whispers, and his voice sounds cracked and foreign to his ears.
Yugi grins a bit. "Hey."
Seto nods in acknowledgment.
Joey sighs but smiles a tiny smile.
"We all just got back from Dr. Potts," Yugi informs in a soft voice, knowing that Ryou's probably a bit sensitive to sound at the moment because he's been asleep in silence for so long. "We each had separate visits. We talked about the accident from what we remember happening, our feelings about what happened to Tristan, and stuff like that. Don't be too worried."
Ryou tries to smile at the dark blonde's comment.
He tries.
But he can't.
Because deep down—deep, deep down—as he wraps his hand around the cool doorknob to the ward and prepares to step out and walk to Dr. Sampson's office, he knows he needs to be worried.
Very worried.
Dr. Sampson's office is clouded with smoke.
Duke had said, "I'll be right outside waiting, Ryou, if you need me", opened the mahogany door, and all but pushed Ryou inside the office as soon as they got past the main hall and secretary.
And the first thing that greets him is a deluge of cigarette smoke.
Ryou makes a disgusted sort of face and tries to peer through the haze to the wooden desk sitting across the room. (It has an ashtray resting on top, Ryou sees) A black chair's back is facing him, but it's obvious there's someone in it.
Ryou clears his throat.
"Ryou," the voice speaks. It's loud, clear, and it has a rather proper English accent, like Ryou. "Sit, please."
Ryou glances to his right.
There's a stiff-looking crimson (the design for the room was wood furnishings and crimson everything else, evidentially, Ryou notes) couch up against the wall.
He cautiously steps over to the lounge and plops down.
The chair swivels around.
Dr. Sampson is an older woman. Her gray hair is tied in a tight bun on her head a not a single strand of hair hangs out of place. Her face is pinched with age. Her blue eyes are deeply tired (which is no surprise, considering she's been working who knows how long with the worst mental patients) but still well learned and maybe even caring in a cold sort of way.
Ryou takes a deep breath in.
"I'm sorry."
That's the first thing that came out of his mouth.
He didn't even plan it. It just came out.
The doctor smiles for a split second.
But only for a split second.
"You're friends with Bakura?" she asks suddenly, ignoring Ryou's apology. She gets up from the chair, the material making noise as she stands.
Ryou is taken a bit by surprise with the question. But he sure doesn't show it.
"Yes," he answers, firmly.
He leaves it at that. His and Bakura's friendship doesn't need explaining.
"You know who he is, and yet you still get so close to him," Dr. Sampson says; her voice holds a tone of disbelief.
She's pacing pensively back and forth around the back of the room near the bookcase.
Ryou narrows his gaze a little bit. "Of course."
Then, it happens.
Ryou's experienced it far too many times since he's become friends with Bakura.
Words begin to well up inside Ryou's head and before he could even consider them (which he wouldn't have), they come tumbling out dripping with fresh sarcasm and scorn,
"And, like, what is up with this room? Are you trying to suffocate me or something? God, how many packs do you even smoke in a day?"
He smirks.
"Lung cancer isn't good for you, you know. Especially at your age."
The doctor stops her walking.
There's silence.
(Ryou likes that effect he has on people.)
"Ryou," she suddenly starts, her tone almost patronizing. "You have no idea what Hell you've gotten yourself into."
Those words set fire to Ryou as soon as they reach his ears. His stomach starts bubbling with fury, and he narrows his gaze.
"What are you talking about?" he sneers, not caring in the least bit that he's showing such "disrespect" to the head doctor.
Dr. Sampson flies around. Her face is set in a cold glare that Ryou expected.
"You have been here for half a year. We have given you countless therapy sessions, we have you on medication that should be helping you, and you, from what Jared has told me, get along quite well with your ward mates."
She makes a noise of disgust.
"But then you get in here and you're just nothing. You're standoffish, rude, and just mean."
Ryou laughs mockingly. He shrugs.
"Why do you even care?" he snaps back.
The doctor's face goes from harsh to empty. She turns around to face the bookcase, and pulls out a big book.
Ryou catches the title: it's a dictionary.
She opens it. She scans a few pages. She looks up at Ryou.
"Ryou, you were sent here because you have flaws."
Ryou opens his mouth to say something in retort, but she beats him to it.
"We all have flaws, granted, but your flaws are dangerous. Dangerous not only to others, but to yourself , Ryou. Yourself."
Ryou glares; at this point, he's beyond disgusted.
"My God, haven't you people taken the hint? I. Don't. Care," he hisses back, his tone rising in pitch with his anger.
Dr. Samspon frowns.
"You haven't let me finish, Ryou," She pauses to glance down at the dictionary she holds in her hands for a moment. "The first thing you have to do here at Rockford is identify your flaws. And then comes the burning question: Are they even flaws?"
Ryou doesn't say anything.
"Bakura, your `best friend', embraces his flaws, Ryou. He loves them. He thinks of them as `gifts'. He uses them and hones them."
She pauses.
"But Bakura's also been here for almost three years."
Ryou's stomach swivels in fury and disgust and horror. (Probably because her words are so true, but Ryou won't admit that just yet)
He tries not to let it show through on his face.
Dr. Sampson purses her lips.
"I think that you haven't quite gotten to that point yet, Ryou. Not just yet. There's still hope."
She looks down at the dictionary. She reads,
"Ambivalence. Simultaneous attraction toward and repulsion from an object, person, or action. Continual fluctuation as between one thing and its opposite; uncertain as to what approach to follow."
She looks up.
"You, Ryou. You think you know what you want. You think you know that you want to be like Bakura and that you want to be a sociopath because it's `special', but I really think that you have no idea what in God's name you want to do."
Silence.
"You're stuck in between two paths right now, Ryou. You can take the help we're offering you and make your life so much better…"
A pause.
"Or, you can embrace your flaws and commit yourself to a lifetime here."
She closes the dictionary.
"Thank you for coming to talk with me today, Ryou. I greatly appreciate it."
When Ryou was little, he used to love to watch caterpillars.
His favorites were the bright, fluorescent green ones with tiny dots of orange or yellow on their backs.
While all his other friends, being typical ten year old boys, would squish the poor little creatures, Ryou would sit and watch them slither around and around on leaves and wonder when they would build their cocoon and become a lovely butterfly.
Then, sometimes, he would just look for a caterpillar cocoon itself.
The light silk that shined in the sunlight was so pretty to Ryou, and it fascinated him that a tiny creature like the caterpillar could come out of that small structure and be a totally different animal.
He always wondered if it was warm inside a cocoon, too, because Ryou always thought that if he was going to go through an entire metamorphosis, he'd at least want his growing space to be warm!
Ryou Urie is pretending he's a caterpillar now.
He's in his room.
Yugi isn't there.
The lights are off.
The moonlight casts a beam here or there.
And Ryou is encased in his covers. The sheets and blanket are wrapped all around his body, enclosing him like those very caterpillar cocoons he used to admire as a child.
He's kind of hoping that maybe, maybe, when he comes out, he'll be an entirely different person. Like he went through that metamorphosis. That when he gets out of the blankets, it will be okay.
But now Ryou realizes that's stupid.
Of course nothing's going to change because he's hiding in his bed (Yes, hiding. He doesn't want to talk to or see Yugi, Seto, or anybody else).
He burrows his face deeper into the pillow and tries to fall asleep.
But slumber won't come.
Squeak.
The door opens.
"Ryou?"
The voice is timid but caring.
Duke.
Ryou slowly, slowly sits up.
Duke has closed the door, so there's no hall light to burn his eyes.
As soon as he's in view and the moonlight casts light over his features, Duke's face melts into a look of pity because Ryou just looks sick. His eyes are dull and his hair is soaked with sweat and his lips are cracked and he's as pale as he was that night at the hospital when he almost killed himself.
And the first thing that comes to Ryou's mind is that Ryou's not mad at the pity he's getting, for once.
He's too exhausted to be mad.
Duke slowly starts to walk over to his friend's bed.
"Ryou…" he starts, his voice sad and sympathetic.
He sits down on the mattress and looks sadly down at the younger boy.
"I'm a horrible person, Duke," Ryou whispers out, his voice dry. He's avoiding the older man's gaze and is only staring blankly at a spot on the wall behind Duke.
Duke shakes his head. "No, you're not. It was an acci—"
"I used to think death sounded kind of nice," Ryou interrupts, his voice monotonous. "It seemed like a nice way to let everything go."
Duke frowns visibly but stays quiet. He knows Ryou needs to talk.
"But now, I just saw it so close, so close with Tristan, and it was…God, Duke. I just…"
Before he knows it, before he can stop it, Ryou is crying.
There are tears rolling down his ghostly-pale cheeks and they drip off his face and roll onto his cracked lips (they taste like salt, Ryou thinks, like the ocean he used to go to when he was a little boy on vacation) and the moisture feels good and he's shaking now.
He's sobbing and sobbing and he hasn't cried in so freakin' long and it just feels so utterly amazing that he doesn't think he'll ever be able to stop.
Duke had pulled him into a huge, comforting embrace the minute he saw the first tear roll down the boy's cheek.
Ryou shakes his head desperately, clutches fistfuls of Duke's shirt, and starts blubbering.
He feels really venerable and terrified that he's being so effing emotional and that he, for once, isn't confident and sarcastic and all-knowing or whatever the heck he used to think he was.
"D-Duke, Tristan's in a c-coma `cause of me," he starts, his words watery and in-between sniffs and swallows.
He feels Duke's confusion the minute the words come out of his lips, and before the man can say a word, he continues,
"I-I found B-Bakura's journal the other night and showed it t-to everybody…" He pauses to take an inhale and let more tears slither down his face. (Duke's shirt is soaked. Ryou feels kind of bad.) "T-Tristan knew about Bakura's secrets `cause of m-me! And Bakura attacked Tristan when he should have attacked me and Bakura got blamed for something I started and now Tristan might die and Bakura might even be dead and it's all my fault and this guilt is killing me, Duke!"
Duke suddenly tightens his hold on Ryou and Ryou lets out a loud sob because he can tell Duke's mad at him.
"Ryou," Duke says, and his tone is harsh and frustrated and everything Ryou's not used to coming from the other man. "Ryou, listen to me."
Ryou manages to nod into Duke's chest so that the other man knows that he is listening.
"This is not your fault. It was Tristan's choice to tease Bakura. It was Tristan's choice to put himself in danger. Guilt is natural for something like this, but believe me, it's not your fault. And yeah, while you will have to tell Bakura about the journal sometime, I can guarantee you it won't be at a time when he's dangerous. I swear it. You don't have to be afraid," Duke explains, and Ryou starts crying even harder because Duke's so freakin' amazing and Ryou knows he doesn't even deserve to be around him.
Ryou shakes his head violently, still not daring to look up into the man's eyes and still crying.
"N-no, Duke, no…" he insists, and lets out a small, desperate breath.
Duke groans. Ryou hurts more inside.
"`No' what, Ryou? `No' what?" Duke asks harshly, frustratedly. He's aggravated with Ryou. He just doesn't see how Ryou can hate himself for something that reallywasn't his fault.
Ryou lets out a small wail.
"Duke, I'm just a bad person. I'm a bad person," he cries, shaking his head and repeating those words to himself over and over.
Duke hugs Ryou a little tighter.
"What do you mean, Ryou?" he replies, truly confused.
"I'm embracing my flaws," Ryou quotes, inwardly laughing at himself. "I'm gonna ruin myself Duke. I see that now. Everything I've been for the past six months of my life is just wrong. It's not who I am!"
All of a sudden, Ryou stops sniffling and the tears stop rolling and he's quiet.
He snaps his head up to look at Duke, mouth hanging open in some sort of shock, and Duke blinks. Concern in evident in his eyes.
"Ryou…?"
Ryou closes his mouth. He swallows.
"It's not what I want, Duke."
Duke stares.
Ryou falls back into the hug.
"I'm sorry," he whispers.
But there's one more thing left unspoken.
No more tears come, but Ryou doesn't think he's ever hurt as much as he does in that one moment before he says the last few words. Every part of his body aches and screams with agony, and the sentence tumbles out of his lips. As clumsy as it is, it means so much.
"No more."
No more.
Ryou Bakura is done.
=)