A/N: I debated and debated on how I wanted to write this chapter and I was torn between so many choices.
I eventually decided to write it the way I wrote it because it would be the most exciting to read.
I didn't want to bore you with too sad and depressed chapter.
This chapter features a flashback, I love writing flashbacks so I was glad that I could fit one in this chapter.
This is the last chapter before the final chapter which is the epilogue.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or anything associated with Stephenie Meyer's characters.
Chapter 4: Too Little, Two Days Late
James' POV
My mom used to tell me that I couldn't please everyone so I should do what makes me happy. I'm in a situation where I can't make everyone happy. I broke Jasper's heart and I'm making Victoria's dream come true, but I'm still not happy. I drive home in silence because I don't feel like hearing anything on the radio. The lights are still on in the house when I park in the driveway so I'm pretty sure that Victoria is still awake. Victoria is watching something on the T.V. when I walk in and I don't even acknowledge her, I head straight to our bedroom. I undress and I get under the covers. I sit up in the bed when Victoria closes the door behind her and joins me in the bed.
"Did you end it?" Victoria asks.
"Yes," I answer flatly.
She notices my expression. "That's a good thing. Why do you look like your puppy died?"
"Because I fucking love him, Victoria! Ending things with him was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. Look, I'm sorry that I hurt you by being with him, but I won't apologize for loving him," I snap.
"If you love him so much then why are you here with me? If he means so much to you—"
"I love you too, Victoria. I'm also better off with you. I don't think that Jasper and I would have worked anyway," I lie.
She gives me a kiss and tells me goodnight. I already took a nap so I'm not tired. I just feel like laying down and thinking. I can't shake the feeling that I may have made the wrong decision by choosing Victoria over Jasper. I think about all that we've gone through. I think about how good Jasper makes me feel. I think about how I can completely be myself around him and not hide anything. I remember the first time Jasper and I started seeing each other 6 months ago.
6 Months Ago
James' POV
I didn't feel like working out on this particular day. I normally worked out more when I was stressed or pissed, but I just wasn't in the mood. I had yet another argument with Victoria about the wedding and I just needed to get away. I decided to go to the gym though. I wasn't really one for deep conversation, but I just really needed someone to talk to. Jasper was a nice guy and we sometimes talked and joked with each other so I figured he would be the perfect person to help me with my dilemma. I didn't see Jasper anywhere so I checked the locker room. He was just putting his shirt on when I walked through the door.
"James," He greeted.
I bit my lip. "Hey Jasper."
"Is there something wrong?" He asked.
"Yes. I was wondering if we could talk. If you say no I understand. It's kind of gay for me to ask to talk," I rambled.
Jasper smirked. "It's not gay; trust me I can think of gayer things."
I thought that I saw him wink after he made that statement. I wasn't really sure what to make of it. Jasper needed a ride home and instead of asking his best friend Maria to come and pick him up since his car was in the shop, I volunteered to take him. He suggested that we could talk while watching the football game and drinking a few beers. I agreed as he gave me directions to his house. We arrived at his home about 20 minutes later. He took my jacket for me and then he went straight to his refrigerator to grab a few beers. He turned the TV on to the game and we sat on his couch together.
He took a sip of beer. "So… what's wrong?"
I sighed. "My fiancée. She's being completely unreasonable about our engagement."
"Let me guess, you're scared of commitment," Jasper assumed.
"How did you know?" I wondered.
"All guys that propose to a girl go through the 'am I sure that I want to be with one girl for the rest of my life?' phase. It's completely normal," He explained.
"Why doesn't she understand that it's normal for me to get cold feet?" I pondered.
Jasper took another sip of beer. "Think about it from her perspective. I'm assuming that you proposed to her. So you propose to her and tell her that you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, right? In her mind she thinks that there's nothing that needs to be debated. She thinks that you've already made your choice so you shouldn't be scared."
"It makes perfect sense when you say it like that. I can just never see anything from the female perspective. How are you so good at it? My guess is that you're either a ladies' man or gay," I theorized.
"Well, I'm definitely not a ladies' man," Jasper proved one of my theories wrong.
"I figured that, but I didn't want to offend you," I admitted.
"I don't go around flaunting my sexuality, but I don't really put forth the effort to hide it either. People pretty much put the pieces together when they see the way my house is decorated. I could be on HGTV I know," Jasper joked.
"You could make good money doing interior design, you know," I teased.
"You're ok with the fact that I'm gay? It doesn't bother you at all?" His tone was disbelieving.
"It doesn't bother me, Jasper. I actually thought that I was gay for a few years," I confessed.
"But Victoria happened?" He guessed.
I shook my head. "No. I discovered that when I fall in love, I don't pay attention to the sex of a person. I'm sexually attracted to members of each sex, but further attraction is based on the individual person."
"So, you've been in love with a guy?" Jasper asked.
I finished my beer. "My first few loves were guys. I think that I fell in love with guys because they understood me and I understood them. I started meeting females that I connected with and soon I was dating them. When I met Victoria, I had just broken up with a guy and she was just a breath of fresh air. I've been with her so long that she's all that I see, I don't want anyone else. I consider myself heterosexual now."
He raised an eyebrow. "So why the cold feet?"
"I don't know."
I stop the memory there. I thought the most significant part of that evening was the mind numbing blow job that Jasper gave me, but I see now that's not the case. I can remember the way that I talked about Victoria then and the passion I felt for her. Victoria used to be my world; I used to worship the ground that the woman walked on. Victoria could do no wrong in my eyes. I look at her sleeping form and the beauty that was once radiating from her is non-existent. I used to think that her snoring was cute and I loved the way that her mouth hung open when she was sleeping. Now… it's just annoying and unattractive. I can't stay in this bed anymore. I quietly get out of the bed and I know that Victoria isn't disturbed because she's still snoring. Once I'm in the privacy of the living room, I decide to call Jasper. I need to hear his voice just one more time. I call him and I curse because the line is busy.
Jasper's POV
Pick up the damn phone, Maria. I've never need Maria more than I need her now. I look at the packed bags on my bed and I question if I can really go through with this. I hang up when I hear her voice mail message. Fuck it. I grab the bags that I packed and load up my car. I try calling Maria again but she doesn't answer. I pull in front of her house about 20 minutes later. I ring her doorbell incessantly until I hear her groggily tell me that she's coming and to stop ringing her doorbell like a maniac. She's in a pink silk robe and her hair is all over her head when she answers the door.
"It's 3 in the morning, Jasper. What's wrong?" She asks.
I hold my tears back. "Just let me in and I'll explain."
She steps aside so that I can enter her house. I sit at the breakfast bar in her kitchen as she puts on a pot of coffee. She yawns and she looks like absolute hell. I suddenly feel slightly guilty for waking her, but what I have to tell her is important. She pours us both a mug of coffee and we both sit at her kitchen table. She's impatiently drumming her fingers on the table so I decide to just be blunt with her.
"I'm leaving," I blurt out.
She yawns again. "Leaving? What are you talking about?"
"Leaving as in going to another town, possibly another state. I'm not really sure yet," I admit.
"Why? What happened? I don't get why you suddenly feel the need to flee. Are you in some kind of legal trouble? Do you need a lawyer?" Maria is hysterical.
"I'm not in any kind of legal trouble. I'm leaving because… h-he picked her," I barely manage to get out without sobbing.
She pauses for a brief second. "Jasper, sweetie I'm so very sorry. But that's not a reason for you to leave. You grew up here, you love it here."
"I used to love it here. I need a change of scenery anyway since I've been cooped up here my whole life. I need you to do me a favor though," My tone turns serious.
She bites her lip. "What do you want me to do?"
"Take care of the mess that I'm leaving behind; my job, my lease, my bills and all of that stuff. Can you handle that?" I ask her.
"Jazz, I really wish that you wouldn't leave. You're not thinking with a clear head right now. Maybe you should wait a few days before making such a drastic decision," She pleads.
I slam my coffee mug, shattering it. "I'm leaving and that's final! I love you so much and I always will Maria. I'll call you when I get to where I'm going and I'll promise to visit. Now can you please handle what I asked you to do for me?"
Maria crosses her arms. "No, I'm not handling any of that because you're not leaving."
I close my eyes so I don't cry. "My bags are already packed Maria, I'm leaving. I really don't want to leave, especially because I love you so much. You're more than my best friend, you're like the sister that I never had. It really hurts my heart that I have to leave."
Maria starts to cry a little bit. "Jazz, you can't leave me. You're all I have since Peter left me. He took away everything from me, except you. How will I survive without you?"
"I'm not sure how you'll survive, but you will. I'll call and I will visit, ok? I'll never forget you, it's impossible. You're way too little and cute. You will find someone to fill the void while I'm gone," I promise.
Maria gets out of her chair and she walks over to mine. She sits in my lap and she sobs into my chest and hugs me. I rub her back comfortingly and I try to calm her down. She wipes her eyes and looks at me once her breathing has returned to normal. She gives me a peck on the cheek and I run my fingers through her thick black locks. I kiss her forehead and we just stay in our current positions for a little while. I look at my watch and Maria frowns.
Maria sticks her bottom lip out in a pout. "Do you have to go now? Can't you wait until the morning? Technically it is morning, but can't you wait until like 9:00. Don't you want to get some sleep?"
"I already took a nap so I'm ok in the sleep department. I have to leave now or I won't find the strength to do it later," I tell her.
We walk toward the door and neither one of us wants to make a move. She eventually shakes her head and starts to cry again. I pick her up like a small child and I have to quiet her crying again. I can't hold my tears back anymore and soon we're both weeping together. I gain my composure first and I start to wipe my eyes. Maria is resting her head on my shoulder and we sigh simultaneously.
I kiss her hair. "I love you so much little one. Promise that this is the last time that you'll cry over me, ok?"
"I can't promise that, but I'll try since you asked me to. I'm going to miss my Jazzy pants," Maria lightens the mood.
I laugh. "Jazzy pants? You haven't called me that in quite a while. I'll always be your Jazzy pants and you'll forever be my little Mexican soldier."
She gives me a chaste kiss on the lips. "Always and forever."
"Goodbye Maria," I say one last time.
"Goodbye Jasper."
2 Days Later
James' POV
"My mom is absolutely crazy, sweetheart. She wants us to have a damn cheesecake at our wedding. I'm thinking that we should have a butter cream cake. Everyone loves butter cream frosting, right?" Victoria asks.
"No," I answer.
She raises an eyebrow. "You don't like butter cream?"
"Huh? What? Oh um… I like it. I mean that I can't do this," I clarify.
"You don't want to help me pick out food? That's fine. You can do something else if—"
I cut her off. "I can't marry you, Victoria."
"You're getting cold feet again," She accuses me.
"It's not cold feet. It's a decision that I've made. I knew 6 months ago that I didn't want to marry you, but I couldn't admit that to myself. I didn't want to hurt you by telling you, but I know now that I would have hurt you a lot less had I told you then. I'm so sorry for not having the strength to do this earlier," I apologize.
"If you knew 6 months ago why did you stay?" Victoria wonders.
"Because I love you—"
She rolls her eyes. "You don't want to marry me, that's fine. I definitely wish that you would have told me 6 months ago, but thank you for not leaving me at the altar. But we've been through so much and I think that I deserve the truth. Can you please tell me why you honestly didn't tell me? I would appreciate it if you told me the truth just once."
"Sometimes I think that my parents love you more than I do. They adore you. They actually told me that I would marry you someday and they were delighted by that idea. I didn't want to disappoint them and it just felt like I was supposed to marry you, even if I didn't want to. When I proposed to you, it wasn't from a pure place so even if I wasn't in love with Jasper, something would have broken us up," I explain.
She nods in agreement. "I'm hurt because I love you, but I think that maybe this is for the best. When we first met there was a spark and things were magical, you know? I don't feel that passion anymore. I guess I was lying to myself too because when you proposed to me I was scared and a little reluctant. Honestly, I think I was more excited about the actual wedding than the marriage. I also could tell that you didn't feel the same way about me. I wasn't sure that you were having an affair, but I knew that something was going on."
"You're so tame now. Why such a violent outrage when you found out about the affair?" I ask.
"Nobody wants to be cheated on and the fact that it was happening for 6 months… I mean… I think it hurt my pride more than anything. I was just so pissed at you and that's why I said that I'd tell your parents. I won't tell them why we're not getting married. I'll make something up," She tells me.
I smile at her. "You're a wonderful woman, Victoria. You are extremely short tempered, but you're also fun, you're beautiful, you're loving, you're intelligent. You're everything that a heterosexual man wants. You'll find someone that's better for you than I am."
"I hope you're right. I just hate that we couldn't make it work. I'll always love you, James. I just want you to know that. I want you to be happy even if I'm not the one making you happy," She tells me sincerely.
"I know Victoria. I feel the exact same way. Again, I'm really sorry about the way that everything turned out," I apologize.
"There's nothing we can do about it now except to move on. I'm not quite sure where I'm moving on to, but you know where you want to be so go on," Victoria encourages.
I have to go see Jasper. I really hope that I'm not too late. Will Jasper want me after I shattered his heart? My palms are sweaty and my mouth is dry. I don't see Jasper's car when I drive by it so I decide to go over to Maria's house. I've never met Maria, but I picked Jasper up from her house a few times and I know that Maria and Jasper are extremely close. I don't see his car in her driveway, but I figure that she may know where he is. If she does know where Jasper is, she more than likely won't tell me willingly though. I park my car in her driveway and I ring her doorbell nervously. She comes to the door and she's so tiny that she almost looks like a little girl. I wonder if Maria remembers who I am, and I get my answer immediately because she's scowling.
"I know that you don't want to see me, but will you please let me in?" I beg.
She narrows her eyes at me. "Why should I?"
"Because I left my fiancée and I'm looking for Jasper," I blurt out.
She places her hands on her hips. "You did what?"
"I left my fiancée and I want to tell Jasper the good news. Do you know where he is?" I ask.
She doesn't answer me, but she does let me inside of her house. She walks into her kitchen so I follow her. She gets out 2 small glasses and she grabs a bottle of vodka out of her cabinet. She sets one of the glasses in front of me and pours some of the vodka into it and then she pours some into her glass. She downs her drink and runs her fingers through her hair before acknowledging me.
"Jasper is um… gone," She announces.
"Gone? What do you mean? Where is he?" I interrogate.
She shrugs. "I have no idea. He came over here 2 days ago and told me that he had to leave because you picked your fiancée over him."
I quickly finish my drink. "Shit! He hasn't contacted you in 2 days?"
"No. I call his cell phone and it goes straight to voice mail. I don't know where he could be. You know… this is all your fault," Maria points the finger at me.
"I know," I agree.
"Why couldn't you get your epiphany 2 days ago before he decided that he was going to pack up his things and leave?" She asks, but the question isn't really directed toward me.
"I knew before I met Jasper that I really didn't want to marry Victoria. I could've avoided all of this had I just called off the engagement then. I'm sorry. I know that Jasper means a lot to you and I'm the reason that he left you," I apologize.
She sighs. "I don't know if I'm more pissed at the fact that Jasper is gone because of you or because you actually left your fiancée."
"Why are you pissed about me leaving my fiancée?" I ask her.
"You mean besides the obvious reason? I'm pissed because it reminds me of the fact that my husband left me for the woman that he was cheating on me with," Maria tells me.
I avoid her gaze. "Wow. You must think that I'm a total shit."
"I do… but it seems like you really care about my Jasper. I will call you whenever he calls me and relay whatever message he leaves me," Maria promises.
"What if he doesn't call? I have to find him," I state.
"Where would you even begin to look for him, James? He left me no clues about where he was going. Hell, he didn't even know where he was going," She informs me.
"He said his parents grew up in Oklahoma, right? Do you think he went there?" I question.
"It would be the obvious location which is why I don't think he would go there. Although I'm not going to look for him, he thinks it's a possibility that I might. I really don't think he's going to go somewhere that I know about," Maria concludes.
I'm exasperated. "So you think he went somewhere completely random? Fuck, I'll never find him!"
She refills my glass. "Jasper promised that he'd call and visit. He may not visit, but he'll surely call. I know Jasper like the back of my hand and he's never once broken a promise."
I can't stop the tears from falling. "He's the best thing to ever happen to me and I don't deserve him. I had the chance to be with him and I made the wrong decision. There's nothing that I can say or do now. He's gone from my life… permanently. I was too late, Maria. He's not coming back at all."
A/N: This was longer than I anticipated. When I planned out this chapter, I didn't include the flashback so that's one reason this chapter is the length that it is. I decided that I wanted to write a flashback at the last minute.
I want to explain the scene with Victoria and James because I know someone is going to comment on it. Victoria has a very fiery personality and she's extremely passionate. I know most people probably expected/wanted a shouting match during the break up, but I didn't want to go that route. I just ask that you trust me and know that there's a method to my madness. I actually took out a line that explained Victoria's uncharacteristic reaction to James leaving her for Jasper, but I purposely left it out.
I'm curious… how many of you would be upset if I decided that I didn't want to write the epilogue anymore and I ended it here?