Shades of Gray
(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.
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6
January, and the new year it brought in, came as snowy and as frigid as the December before it, but despite the frost outside, spirits within Remus and Sirius' couldn't have been any brighter. Even the departure from the holiday season wasn't taken nearly as badly as it always had been in their school days, perhaps because there were, at least, no classes to go back too. Remus insisted they get down the Christmas decorations as soon as possible, because, knowing their track record with mess, the tree would be up to May if they didn't do it right away. And it wasn't just holiday things making a mess around their home, so, one Saturday, after a good morning sleeping in, the two boys had set out to tidy up the house. Sirius had put himself on Christmas un-decorating. Though he had been very proud of his lights, put up entirely without magic, Remus could hear him outside, cursing both with profanity and spells as he aimed his wand to remove the decorations outside.
Remus was in their bedroom, pulling up armfuls of clothing that badly needed washing, or hanging up… It was often hard to distinguish which was which. He was grabbing a pile of shirts up off the wooden floor when, for the second time, Matt's book surprised him. Now, he picked it up again, sitting down on the end of his bed to once again, thumb through the pages.
It would be a lie to say that Remus had completely forgotten the words Matt had so carefully written about a character so much like himself, especially not after the other boy had been so insistent that he read. However, in the past few days, he hadn't given it too much thought – after all, out of sight, out of mind, and by the smell of the pile of clothing that had covered it, the book must have been "out of sight" for a number of days. Flipping through till he reached the page at which he'd left off last time, Remus began, once again, to read.
Once you got past the certain – floweriness, Remus thought – of Matt's language, it was somewhat intriguing. Matt, unlike Remus or Sirius, made absolutely no efforts to hide himself, or his sexuality: the book was an extremely sappy love story between two, as Matt described them, very attractive men. Unlike Remus' father, who read strictly academic texts, Remus had to admit that he loved a good story, and before he knew it, he had scooted back on the bed, pulling the sheets around him as he slowly flipped through the pages. He had never seen himself, or heard of himself (at least, the character he thought was himself), from this angle, and though he found himself blushing, it was intriguing… the Remus in the novel was perfectly confident, free from the rather large, hairy problem that plagued him every month…
"Remus?" Sirius voice rang from downstairs, and Remus looked up sharply.
"Yes?" he called quickly back.
"Could you come down here and help me levitate this tree out? I keep running it into things…"
"One second!" he called back hastily, stuffing the book, for a reason he couldn't really understand, quickly into the drawer of his bedside table. He didn't quite know why – after all, he was at perfect liberty to read whatever he liked, even if it was trash – but for some reason he felt compelled to hide it. Sirius wouldn't like it and… Remus shook his head, jogging quickly downstairs. He'd read it later. It was just a stupid book anyhow.
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It was just the next day that Remus got a chance to pull out what was now burning a hole into his mind. Sirius had gone off, as he did most every weekend, with an amused-looking Lily and a bored James; his enthusiasm and giddiness to assist them making them quite a hilarious trio. As usual, Sirius hadn't been invited to come along to taste cakes, but he was with them all the same.
Fixing himself a sandwich and a cup of hot chocolate, it took Remus only minutes to sink back into his most comfortable place: curled up in the living room, eating chocolate, with the fire going and something to read. Within minutes, he was completely absorbed.
The plot line wasn't what interested Remus – it was quite mundane, to be completely honest; a simple, but heated story of two lovers and their various trials and tribulations. Matt seemed to have no reservations, and included a highly descriptive sexual encounter every chapter or so. Remus may have been feeling more confident, but he was exceedingly grateful no one was around while he was reading these scenes, because, even alone, he couldn't help but turn red. Matt was so detailed; he wrote about things that Remus would be embarrassed to even really dwell on, let alone talk about it, and it was made a hundred times even stranger by the fact that, with every page he turned, he felt certain that the story's protagonist was himself. This, above everything, was what secretly fascinated him. Matt's version of Remus was – though he was ashamed to admit this – everything Remus wanted to be. He was exceedingly attractive, successful, and so sure of himself… but this couldn't possibly be what anyone, let alone Matt, truly perceived. He knew it was exaggerated, but… to think that someone thought of him in even that slightest of way…
Sirius loved Remus, that was for sure, and Remus knew, through Sirius' verbal and (mostly) physical reminders, that he certainly found Remus to be someone important. He knew Sirius was attracted to him – nothing could erase the sounds of his own name, groaned from Sirius' lips – and he knew he was appreciated – that was something he'd learned from Sirius a long time ago, as he consistently assisted Sirius with homework. It wasn't at all that Matt liked him better, or saw him as any more unique… and yet, somehow, he seemed be painting a picture of who Remus could really be, if he just let himself feel a little less insecure.
By this point, Remus had stopped reading – he was staring off into the fireplace, gazing through the heat of the flames without realizing exactly what he was doing. He could be that person. He could talk about sex and love and passion with Sirius, and he could act like there was no one in the world more important than himself… It didn't have to just be a fictional Remus, caught up between the pages of a book…
Suddenly, the combined laughter of three people rang out from behind Remus, just a few yards away. Once again, he hastily stuffed the book out of site, this time shoving it between a few others on the cluttered shelf, before he walked into the hall to greet his friends, who had clearly just arrived back.
"Hello," said Sirius, grinning at him.
"Hello," Remus echoed, and without thinking, Remus kissed him – much more passionately that even he had planned, one hand on Sirius' side, feeling the warmth of skin just under his open jacket and shirt. Sirius, though clearly caught off guard, stood stock-still for just a moment, but then, as usual, he was unable to stop himself from responding quite enthusiastically, both hands on the sides of his face; eyes shut…
"Hello!" James called, throwing up his hands, and the two broke apart. "I mean, I know this is your house and all but—"
But whatever spell had come over Remus was not quickly abating. "What, you want one too, Prongs?" he teased, moving as if to make a move toward James. At the site of his shocked face, Remus laughed, then grabbed Lily by the hand, pulling her in to the kitchen.
"What happened to Remus…?" James asked, his eyes wide, as he stood, seemingly temporarily frozen, raising his eyebrows to Sirius.
"I don't know…" Sirius said, a slow smile spreading across his face, "but I could certainly get on with it…"
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sorry so late! I was out of town with my best friend. REVIEWS?