Shades of Gray

(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

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7

And so, Remus read. He read Matt's book with the same fervor as any other great novel he'd ever been engrossed in, only this time, he did it in secret. This was only slightly tricky, as Sirius was continuing to help Lily and James. He also talked often of his friend Kevin, and his improving status as a young Auror. Remus was feeling better and better every day, even if he didn't see Sirius as much as he liked. The only unfortunate thing that had happened recently was that Sirius' job, and his new position, seemed to be, once again, keeping him quite busy – he stayed late many nights – but even this fact didn't upset Remus as much as it had in the past, as it now gave him more time alone, and more time to wonder, his curiosity growing more each night.

During the week, he only saw Matt once, and thankfully he was so busy that they didn't have time to talk much; because Remus really didn't know what he would say. With every paragraph, he felt less confused about why Matt had chosen him, and more confident that he could be that person. It was exhilarating to know that someone, even if it was someone you didn't have any particular strong feelings for, certainly thought something of you, and – and this part gave Remus a shiver – there was potential for other people to be reading of those desires as well. His fantastic mood combined with Sirius' pay increase brought about good times for the whole of the month of January.

That is, until one Sunday morning, the morning before the January full moon, when something happened to make Remus begin to feel quite strange. An incident, like a lone, gray cloud, that began a cluster of a storm, moving, very quickly, to cover up what was otherwise a glowing ray of sun…

Uncharacteristically, Remus had slept in. This was, however, excusable for the fact that around this time of month (though he tried very hard not to let it affect him), Remus often experienced bouts of exhaustion and insomnia as a result of his heightened anxiety. Though he knew, realistically, there was nothing he could do about his situation, and he was much more comfortable with it than ever before, the nights just before it seemed endless; lying awake in a dark room, staring out the window, wishing, just once, that things could be different. Remus was a creature of habit, and he hated the unpredictability and lack of control he was forced to undergo every month – he never knew what would happen on the nights that he, Sirius, and sometimes James would romp around the dark forests. Any number of factors could set the wolf off, and he dreaded not knowing if he would wake up with more broken bones, or only a few scratches. Depressed, and worried, he had a hard time sleeping, but through the months, he and Sirius had determined that some things did help. Remus had been up most of the night before, but then, it had been because of Sirius… and a good evening spent in bed with Sirius typically equaled a full day's sleep afterward.

And so, by the time he awoke, it was nearly noon. What really woke him up was his stomach – it was growling so loudly it might as well have been its own beast, and Remus found himself suddenly ravenous. After stumbling to the bathroom for a quick brush of his teeth, he pulled back on the clothing he'd abandoned the night before, beginning down the stairs that lead to the first floor hallway.

He was only a few steps down when he stopped, crouching, to listen to the conversation below.

Sirius was there, obviously, and he was talking to someone – it had to be James, Remus realized, checking his watch, because he would be the only one coming over on a day like today. It wasn't the interaction that surprised him (they did, obviously, spend time with their friends quite often), but rather what Sirius was saying to him—

"—die if he knew. You won't tell him… will you?"

Remus felt a dull ache somewhere in the pit of his stomach. It's not about me, he told himself, firmly, Clearly—it's his boss, or Kevin, or—

"Of course I'm not telling Remus." And it was James downstairs, his voice, though low, carrying up the stairs so that Remus could hear it, loud and clear. "I'm your best mate, aren't I?"

"Yes," and it was Sirius again, "and that's why I told you, right now… But if he knew—"

The worry was beginning to rise within Remus, quickly inflating like a large, helium-filled balloon. Knew what? What wasn't James telling him? Sirius' voice had dropped to an even quieter volume, and Remus was straining to hear; he moved his foot down just another step lower, just a little bit closer…

To three pairs of wondering ears, the sound of the always-creaky step was deafening. Remus nearly cursed out loud as Sirius' tone instantly changed, much louder—

"Remus?"

Fixing a smile on his face, Remus stepped (probably louder than he really needed to) down the stairs, making every effort to look as though he had just woken up. The last thing he wanted was for the two of them to know he had heard… whatever they were discussing… Though Sirius looked momentarily anxious, he quickly smiled at the "I-just-rolled-out-of-bed" form of Remus, hastily stating he'd make some lunch as Remus took his place at the kitchen table and he stood up.

"How are you?" asked James, and though his smile looked genuine, Remus felt suddenly like pulling out his wand and holding him hostage. What did he know? Weren't they, as well, supposed to be friends and now… Something was going on, Sirius was…

He was what? Remus shook his head, now taking a sip of the coffee Sirius handed to him, consenting to turn his cheek slightly and allowing Sirius to kiss him. He knew his boyfriend, and he knew that, despite all the utter madness that boy possessed, if he was one thing, he was open, emotionally. Just the night before, they had been making love in their bedroom, and Sirius had, as he always had before, moaned out his feelings, murmuring in his ear as he kissed Remus' neck… Remus was not the first person Sirius had been with, but Remus was, in his words, the "only one he'd been in love with." The only person who knew better than Remus about how Sirius had changed was Sirius himself, as falling in love with Remus had forced him to re-evaluate who he was, and what he wanted out of life. Remus, regardless of his gender and all of his flaws, was the person Sirius had fallen for, and feelings like that, actions like that, made certain that a person had to be honest with his partner. Sirius couldn't lie, not after his guilty double life just a few months before, and not after the way he'd let himself be vulnerable, and at times, submissive, to Remus… both emotionally, and physically… and no matter what the conversation had sounded like, whatever was going on, Remus was certain it couldn't be that bad. Remus was just anxious, as usual, because of the full moon approaching. He was being paranoid, and jumping to conclusions. One of the biggest issues of the summer last was that he had never been angry with Sirius for lying, not once – he had, instead, blamed himself. Sirius and James could have been talking about anything, anything at all… but… but what? What had they been talking about? What was Sirius hiding from him…?

"What do you want?"

"Huh?" Remus jerked his head around. "What d' you mean?" he asked quickly.

Sirius stared strangely at him, one hand on the open door of the kitchen cabinet. "To eat, Moony," he said slowly, "what do you want for lunch?"

"Oh—I don't know—" he faltered, but seeing the look on Sirius' face, he relaxed. Calm down, he told himself, and, as he planted a smile onto his lips once more, he saw the worry began to ebb out of Sirius' eyes. It's fine. Sirius was looking relaxed. Honest.

"I'll just get some toast, then," he said, shutting the door of the cabinet and simultaneously closing the questions in Remus' mind.

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Where is everyoneee?