Shades of Gray
(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.
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8
Remus had mixed feelings about James' presence as the night drew in closer. On one hand, it might be best to have him around, because Remus had a feeling that, tonight, the werewolf might have a particular attitude. However, the other side of the picture was that a situation like the one a few months ago could occur again – where the werewolf, so angered over Sirius, had caused Remus to eventually be severely injured by his friends. However, Remus was not one to be shaken so easily. True, this morning he had felt a bit worried, but as the afternoon went on, he felt more and more certain that, whatever he had heard must have been a bit of a misunderstanding. After all, he trusted Sirius, and James, with his life. Tonight, even with James there, would be fine – he even felt surprisingly calm as made their way outside.
It was a clear night, bitter with cold. As three large animals, the boys would hardly feel the temperature, but at that moment, it was agony for Remus to prepare himself for the transformation, removing, as he always did, the clothing that would otherwise be ripped to shreds. James and Sirius, as voluntary Animagi, didn't need to do the same, and out of love for their friend they remained as close as possible to him; Sirius, pulling Remus (who was shaking badly) against his chest and James, briskly rubbing Remus' arms as he remained close against his back. It would have been quite a humorous scene if the situation hadn't been so serious. It was one of the things that, despite all the jokes they would make afterward, that never was mentioned again. Remus' mind was determinedly blank. He let himself be surrounded by the people he knew would protect him until the very last minute, where he finally drew away and allowed the painful night to commence.
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Whoever it was that said everything became easier with time was wrong about at least a few things, Sirius thought, resisting the urge to run as he watched, yet again, Remus begin his struggle. James was looking toward the ground, but Sirius, though he almost wished he could be the same way, knew he must watch. However, it was true that this never got any easier. Always, it was the same feeling of panic, the same, horrible pity, and although he knew Remus wouldn't have wanted him to feel either of the two, it was unavoidable. He knew his pain was nothing, nothing compared to what Remus was going through, and yet it ripped through him, touching every organ – his lungs, fit to burst, his stomach, clenched in fear, and his heart, pounding so quickly with the familiar, and yet unpredictable aching. He could hear the bones break, even from his distance, and inside himself, he felt the same pain; an invisible connection; a shared soul between two bodies divided. Remus was screaming, and he felt his own throat constrict with the urge to do the same. He hated it, he hated it more than anything, but only for one solitary fact – he despised seeing Remus, whom he loved so dearly, go through pain for no reason. Not for the first time, he felt anger, a red-hot rage that anyone should have to undergo this torture, and so frequently…
He felt James' hand on his arm, and looking toward him, their eyes met in a silent agreement. It was time. Remus was only half-man at this point; they had only seconds to do what they must, and so, within an instant they became the animal forms that had chosen them. It was something like a relief. Things – feelings, emotions – were much less complex to Sirius as a dog, and the slightly lessened burden on him allowed him to think more clearly. James was scratching the ground with a nervous hoof. As always, Sirius was struck momentarily with the differences between the two of them… James, as a towering white stag, was lean with muscle; a pair of enormous antlers stretching proudly out from either side from the smooth hair of his head. Sirius, on the other hand, was as dark as James was light, his black, thick hair never quite free from matting. Though he was quite an enormous breed of dog, he had none of the majestic quality James possessed – he kept low to the ground, protecting himself with snarls, powerful paws, and sharp teeth as opposed to graceful hooves and antlers. Perhaps their Animagus forms truly did depict more than they knew of themselves…
With James stepping lightly behind him, Sirius quickly padded toward the momentarily stunned form of the werewolf. The transformations over the last few months hadn't been as bad as some in the past, and so Sirius paused only for a second before he licked the wolf, square on its flat nose.
Instantly, the dark eyelids sprang open, revealing angry, molten-gold eyes, and lips curled up, showing sharp canines. It snapped, growling at the dog, rising up onto its paws. Sirius felt his normally pointed ears begin to flatten onto his wide head. He hesitated, taking the smallest of steps backward, but James, beside him, hit the wolf on his side with his antlers. It wasn't intense, but it was powerful enough to nudge the wolf into what seemed like acknowledgment, as its eyes turned to the stag. With that glance, James took off, whining slightly at Sirius, encouraging him to the same. The werewolf ran, chasing after James, but Sirius stood, rooted with all four paws to the ground. Had he not been recognized?
The werewolf had not stopped for him.
He knew he shouldn't be as surprised as he was. Both James and himself had learned, long ago, that, although the ghastly werewolf possessed their friend each month, it was not truly Remus Lupin. They never referred to things that happened during those nights as Remus' doings; only "the wolf" prowled with them, and Remus had little to no memories of anything he did or thought while transformed. It always took the creature a number of minutes to recognize its companions, but, always, the wolf had favored the canine form of Sirius, if for no other reason than their similarities. There were even occasions on which the wolf had seemed innocent, almost tame; seconds where the nips at Sirius' heels seemed playful instead of bloodthirsty. On one other night, Remus, feeling vulnerable as Sirius witnessed his transformation for the first time, had caused the wolf within him to be angry again, and like tonight, James had stepped between them… But on the memorable October night of a few months ago, the wolf had chosen to lay down beside the dog and sleep; a clear result of Remus' relieved and relaxed state just before transformation. But now – tonight – it had snapped at him, and the look in the beast's eyes was not one of recognition… it was one of anger.
He couldn't dwell on it very long. This was, after all, not the Remus he knew – it was a curse, a devil that took over the mind and body of someone who deserved much better. It was always unpredictable, and Sirius should have been smart enough to know better. He couldn't afford to get comfortable with a dangerous animal… he must always be on his guard. With these thoughts fresh in his brain, Sirius ran off in the direction the two others had headed, preparing himself for another night spent pounding over the hard, forest earth.
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Thanks for all the reviews, guys! I'm excited, because it's starting to get dramaticccc... let me know what you think!