Shades of Gray

(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.

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SORRY! FINALS! I kept y'all hanging...

11

Now that Remus had let the horrible thought into his mind, it seemed everything he did; everything he saw or heard echoed the same word: "lying". Though he tried to tell himself otherwise, he couldn't get it out of his head; it was in every touch of Sirius' hand, every grin, every second he was late home from work. Though Remus echoed back Sirius' "I love you", though he smiled when Sirius smiled, and laughed when he laughed, it was all he thought: lying, lying, lying, lyinglyinglying…

But if Remus was one thing, it was stubborn. Once, he had been an entirely logical person, seeking only to understand things intellectually, but being with Sirius had, of course, opened a new, emotional side of himself; a side that was now beginning, once again, to take over his reason. Remus was convinced Sirius would not, could not lie anymore, not after the way he had promised and the look in his eyes when he'd done so. The idea that Sirius was cheating was an unfeasibility… and that was what Remus determinedly told himself as he continued to ignore the screaming voice in his head…

And remarkably, it was not as hard to do as Remus had anticipated. The biggest struggle was remaining to appear "normal" to Sirius, whom Remus had never been quite able to block his feelings from. It was like reverting back several years, before Sirius knew of Remus' feelings for him… And Remus found himself drifting; floating through the next few weeks, and even another full moon like he wasn't really there at all, just doing all the rights things, waiting in a state of anxiety, searching for clues…

It was one of the first days of March that something else definitive finally happened. For days now Remus – though he had convinced himself it had been out of paranoia – had noticed little things about Sirius' behavior, things that may or may not been suspicious. It was all very strange: Sirius seemed to be working a great deal, but he longed for Remus' affections, which Remus reciprocated somewhat stiffly. With James' and Lily's wedding growing nearer, Sirius was becoming even more involved as the best man. His enthusiasm about it all was what scared Remus the most: why did Sirius seem so happy, so genuinely excited about life in general? It broke his heart to think that, whatever Sirius was doing in secret, it was giving him so much joy… and it was one of these "happy" days that it truly clicked for Remus, and he simply couldn't ignore what was happening any longer.

It was a Saturday. Saturday meant that Sirius didn't have to work, but Remus sometimes did, and that day was one in which he would be in for a few hours. So when Remus awoke rather early that morning, he turned over in bed, sleepily reaching for Sirius, expecting him to be close beside him in the chilly, early spring air…

But Sirius wasn't there. And sitting up alone in bed, reaching quietly for his things, Remus could hear why. He was downstairs, and from the sound of his voice, he was having a conversation much like the one Remus had overheard with James.

He was dressed within seconds, and once again, he crouched on the staircase. He willed himself to calm, as it was hard to hear the sound of the voices over the thumping sound of his own heartbeat in his ears. He could barely concentrate… listen…

Her low, soft voice came up to him like the soft tinkling of ceramic chimes. A woman.

"You really don't think he suspects anything?"

"No way," Sirius' voice, ever cheerful, floated up to Remus on the stairs, freezing him in place like a sudden blast of wind. "He has no idea… probably have a conniption if he found out James knew…"

James… thought Remus dully, but that part, he already knew. He listened even more carefully.

"Well James was right about one thing," the woman was saying, still sounding amused, "I can't believe how sneaky you are."

"I pride myself on that fact, thanks," said Sirius, and they both laughed, but quietly, and Remus felt a stab of hurt. They wouldn't let their voices go above murmurs, so Sirius must have told her that he, Remus, was asleep the floor above…

"These are so great, by the way," continued Sirius, and now, for the first time, Remus felt confused. What was Sirius talking about? Was it something she had with her, or had on? He barely had time to think on it, though, because Sirius was already saying, "you've really…given me what I need here."

Remus couldn't take any more. He didn't want to hear any more of this conversation. He didn't even want to pass Sirius downstairs, but more than anything else, he didn't want to be in the house. He had to leave. Now.

Briskly, he stepped quickly down the steps, marching out into the first floor hallway and shoving on his shoes.

"Where are you going?" asked Sirius, who had appeared on his side, and Remus resisted throwing him a look by glancing into the room behind him – and by the slight greenish tinge of the fire, he knew Sirius must have been talking to the girl via Floo Powder. He avoided Sirius' eyes and spoke quickly.

"I've got to go to work."

"Oh—" Sirius was smiling, but he looked nervous. "I forgot… I'll come by…"

But his words were lost on Remus, who was not listening at all as he grabbed his bag from the floor, and, still not looking to his boyfriend, turned on the spot and vanished.

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For the first time, Remus wished that his Saturday hours were longer. The work gave him something to do that day, as he re-arranged shelves and tried to avoid thinking about what was now hard, solid fact.

Sirius was seeing someone else—cheating…

And he was cheating on him with a woman.

Somehow this last bit was what hurt the most. Remus had always known that Sirius didn't consider himself specifically gay, or straight, but rather, somewhere in the middle… but that, of course, had never been an issue in their relationship. Sirius had accepted his desire for male companionship without thought; it was the idea of Remus that had ever made him hesitate. Their love was so deep-rooted and unavoidable that it had changed Sirius in that way, and that was what had made their relationship so special. Sirius was Remus' first everything, his only, and in a way, Remus was that to Sirius as well… his first homosexual relationship; his first true love.

But now… now, he was no longer enough. And no matter what he changed about himself, no matter how confident he became, he could not be what Sirius now apparently desired. It was a physical impossibility.

He was miserable. Remus dreaded what would happen as the day drew to a close—where should he go? Was he ready to talk to Sirius about what had happened? Could he do it, or would he be reduced to nothing by the idea of it? Already the confidence he had spent so long building up was slipping away like water, and he felt himself sinking back into familiar feelings of insecurity, of inadequacy…

He felt so horrible that he did not notice Matt until he was standing right behind him, tapping him on the shoulder, a wide smile across his thin face.

It took a moment for the recognition to permeate through Remus' fog of sadness. But once he realized who it was, he brushed off the hand on his shoulder, turning away slightly.

"I'm about to close," he said listlessly.

"I know," Matt was still smiling despite Remus' glazed-over expression, "I just wanted to talk to you."

Remus grumbled something unintelligible, but he obliged, sitting down wearily at the foot of the staircase. They were the only people left in the store, as Remus had ushered most everyone out a few minutes before. Without thinking, Remus picked at a hole in the part of his jeans above the knee. He was wearing Sirius' shirt, he realized suddenly—he hadn't thought when he'd picked it up off the floor that morning, but now it was like lead, weighing down on him so heavily he thought he might collapse. He wasn't looking at Matt, only down, but Matt was staring very curiously into his face, and it was a good number of seconds before he spoke, quietly.

"You've got great… shiny eyes, you know. Almost like…"

"'Gems'?" Remus responded sarcastically, without thinking, and he felt Matt beside him start.

"You really did read it…" Matt murmured softly, and something in the way he spoke now caused Remus to look up at him, pulling his gaze away from his own, open hands. Matt was still smiling, but not in the broad, grinning way he had been before, and suddenly, Remus remembered all of his words. He realized Matt was reaching for his hand, but he did not care – he suddenly recalled all of the flowery, overly sensual words… all about himself. Matt had painted of a picture of the confident, sexy, brilliant Remus… the one he had had imagined, and tried, to become. Now, as Remus looked toward him, he could see the same things, the same thoughts, behind Matt's shining brown eyes.

Matt did not see Remus as inadequate.

And before he knew what he was doing, with a rush of self-worth, Remus leaned forward, bringing his lips to meet together with Matt's.

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Yeah... that just happened...

EEeeeeeEeeee!