Shades of Gray
(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.
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I LOVE this chapter.
12
Within the moment, Remus didn't have the time, nor the mental capacity to realize what precisely made his stomach turn as Matt eagerly kissed him back. Later, he would reflect on it and wonder—perhaps it his mouth, so much smaller and thinner than Sirius' full lips; or maybe it was his scent, which wasn't of familiar cigarettes and shaving cream and faded cologne given to him by a fifteen-year-old Remus, but instead of unfamiliar soap and artificial breath mints. Maybe it was even his hands that made Remus feel so ill; grasping for his, feeling small and weak against Remus' trembling palms…
All he knew—and it only took a moment to realize—was that the kiss was wrong. Very wrong.
He was already trying to push away, opening his eyes, his stomach flipping horribly, when a loud, harsh sound echoed stupidly by a fluttering door chime drew both boys apart in an instant.
Sirius was standing in the open doorway, one hand on the knob of the old door, the other clutching his black motorcycle helmet. His dark hair, which had now grown to his shoulders, was swept back across his face, the thick, typical stubble of a few day's worth of facial hair freckling his chin, and his eyes, his deep, gray eyes full, with a look of pain. He was staring, mouth open, at the two before him, and with a start, Remus realized that Matt's hand still lay on top of his.
He jerked away instantly, but he couldn't get up, he was frozen to the spot—
"You…" growled Sirius angrily, and Remus felt like all the breath had been knocked out of him. The pain that crossed Sirius' face was meeting another emotion, something even more powerful: rage. It was an expression Remus had never seen before; something so hot and fierce that he felt instantly afraid, horrified of what was about to happen. Sirius strode swiftly to where they sat, throwing aside his helmet, and Remus, still rooted to the spot, braced himself for the impact of Sirius' wrath…
But though he heard the blow—the sickening thud of knuckles meeting against bone, the sharp gasp of pain—he did not feel anything at all… because the fist Sirius had raised to strike had been against Matt, punching him square in the eye.
Matt was standing, not to fight back, but to defend, holding his hands as if to protect himself from another fist. Both seemed to have momentarily forgotten they were wizards – Matt's wand poked out, useless as any stick of wood, from his back pocket, and Sirius, too, ignored his training and swung again, this time catching Matt in the center of his stomach. As the boy doubled over slightly, his curly head sweeping down near Sirius' knees, he pulled himself up again, this time using his own clenched fist to swing a punch into Sirius' jaw.
And now Remus finally found his legs; his voice—he was rushing to his feet, yanking his wand out of his pocket, preparing to pull them apart—
But they had remembered theirs as well, and now they both stood; only a few feet apart, each one's wand pointed directly at the other's head.
"I'll fucking kill you," snarled Sirius, sounding so much like a ferocious dog, ready to pounce; to attack. His lower lip was bleeding down his chin, but he seemed not to notice; much like Matt, whose eye cavity was already swollen to the point of near-blindness on that side. Still though, he looked grim; his light, thin-looking wand shaking only slightly as he kept his aim. Sirius' knuckles were white with the intensity of his grip, his wandtip glowing red with his rage as he opened his mouth, about to utter a curse, when Remus threw himself in between the two.
Though still burning with anger, Sirius turned to look at him, his expression so sorrowful; so hurt, that Remus could have cried right there.
"Why, Moony?" he whispered.
"You—"
But he had already lowered his wand, grabbed his things from off the floor and, without a backward glance at either boy, exited and kicked his motorcycle back into life.
Remus rushed over to Matt, who had collapsed again on the floor.
"Are you alright?" he asked quietly, avoiding touching him.
"What do you think?" Matt hissed, pulling himself a little into a sitting position.
"I…" Remus began, but he didn't know what to say. How did he tell Matt how wrong it had been for them to kiss? How did he explain the feelings of guilt that were now wracking his body, the horrible, unavoidable sense of panic flooding all of his senses?
"Get out," he heard himself mumble, because another emotion was beginning to coarse through his veins, and like the pain he had seen flit across Sirius' face, this was something new, something he never would have associated with the man he thought had loved him. "Now."
"I can't believe this," Matt spat, clambering angrily to his feet, "I thought we were—"
"Get out!" Remus bellowed, and perhaps from the sheer shock of seeing Remus yell, Matt did just that, slamming the door behind him as hard as Sirius had entered, but Remus was just as surprised as he was, because he was suddenly feeling anger as he had never known before…
Grabbing his coat and bag from the back of the shop, Remus turned on the spot, and vanished.
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By the look of the thrown-open door, Sirius couldn't have arrived but seconds before Remus did; something that was made even more obvious as he ran straight into Remus, who had just Apparated into the downstairs hall. The clothes he had been carrying flew from his hands, and both were knocked down, but then they scrambled back up again, eyes locked.
In a bizarre exchange of personalities, Sirius was not angry. He wore the same expression as he had back in the shop, the same words he had spoken now etched across his face: why.
"I never thought," he mumbled, breaking their gaze, stooping to pick up his clothing, "I never thought you would—never—"
"Me?" asked Remus, and he was shocked to hear his own voice, much lower and harsher than it had ever been. Astonished, Sirius turned again toward him, but Remus could barely see him—his vision was so clouded with anger. Never had he been this angry with Sirius; not after he'd brought Snape to him at Hogwarts; not when he'd caused him to have detention for an entire month in their third year; not even when, just a few months prior, Sirius had created an entire double life; and not even when Sirius had, as a result of his poor actions, dealt him with a blow so hard he'd split a bone. Always he had forgiven, always he had felt deserving, but now… now, all those past indiscretions were rushing toward him like a tidal wave. The old Remus, the one who was sadden by his insecurities and inadequacies had been left back at the shop, and only the new, confident, but shaken Remus was standing in their home, shaking heavily with hot, unbearable, impenetrable fury.
"Me?" he repeated again, his voice rising, hands thrown open wide. "What about YOU, Sirius? I know what you've been doing!"
"What are you—?" Sirius tried, but Remus could not be stopped. His anger was crashing over the pair of them, wiping out anything else.
"I heard you talking to James," he hissed, "And I heard you this morning—you—you cheated… and with a fucking woman, Sirius—how—?"
"I never—!" Sirius was staring at him, wide-eyed. Clearly, he had never heard Remus talk like this before, and though Remus could see he was shocked—scared, almost—he went on.
"Don't lie, Sirius!" bellowed Remus, nearly spitting in his agitation. "Just stop fucking lying for once! After all the shit that's happened—everything I didn't care about…! I heard the conversation—I knew something was up, and then I smelled the cigarettes… You left your pack here." Sirius looked stunned, but Remus went on, "So surprised—did you think I was too stupid to figure it out? Or, what, that I'm so pathetic that it wouldn't matter?"
"I would never think that!" cried Sirius, almost desperately, and though Remus knew he should stop, he couldn't. This was supposed to be his Sirius; his soulmate, the one who had known him better than anyone else, but now… everything was ruined. Everything he had felt bad for instead of anger was coming out; every forgiven indiscretion was magnified tenfold.
"I can't believe I thought you cared about me," and his eyes were narrowed into slits, fists clenched tightly together.
For a second, neither one moved at all. Remus was breathing heavily, and he was shocked to see that Sirius was too, though he remained silent. Then, suddenly, without a warning, Sirius moved swiftly. Wrenching open the coat closet and throwing on his jacket, he pulled something, a box, from the pocket, slamming it down on the kitchen table. Grabbing his clothing from off the floor again, he stuffed it into the bag hanging from his shoulder. He strode past Remus, and it looked as though he were about to leave when he turned, once more, back again to him; still painfully, achingly…
Heartbroken.
"I can't believe you thought I didn't," he said simply, then, walking outside, climbed back onto his bike and vanished.
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I hope you guys all loved/hated that as much as I did. It's DEFINITELY one of my favorite chapters... but... I'm really sad now.