Shades of Gray
(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.
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It pains me to post these!
I'M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I KEPT GETTING THE ERROR TYPE 2 WHEN TRYING TO UPDATE FOR A WHOLE WEEK.
13
It took a few seconds for the gravity of Sirius' final words, and his real and complete disappearance to really sink in to Remus' consciousness, but once it did, it hit him even harder than Sirius' fist had slammed against Matt's head. Instantly, he struck out, grabbing the first thing his hand could find – a dirty plate from an earlier meal – and flung it against the wall where it broke in pieces with a sharp crash of china. Turning away from it in an instant, Remus dropped onto the floor, head in his hands, the tears beginning to flow; hot, stifling, and bitter.
It was over. A year and a half of their romantic relationship, nearly eight years of friendship, and in a matter of minutes, it had all ended. Remus could hardly think for the blood pounding in his ears, the sounds of his own sobs echoing horribly in the silent, empty kitchen; the only thought in his brain was echoing the words, over, and over again… Sirius… Sirius… Sirius…
Why? The same question Sirius had asked was the one question Remus couldn't answer—why had Sirius cheated on him; why did he insist upon lying when Remus clearly knew the truth? Why was this the one thing he could not forgive… the one thing that hurt the most? Why had James known? And why… why did Sirius say what he did as he left…?
The box…
Still crouched on the floor, Remus reached blindly up on the kitchen table, feeling for what he knew had been set harshly down; eyes still swimming with choked-back tears. The other hand was crunching horribly on the broken plate, the sharp edges just beginning to tear into skin. Finally, his fingers closed upon it, and he brought it shakily down to his level, blinking in an attempt to wipe the moisture from his eyes and face.
It was black, and unlabeled – no words to blemish the delicate design that had been printed on top, something that, though it was clearly not magic, shimmered in a way that almost seemed alive. Remus' hands were trembling as he held it there for a moment. His anger had ebbed away, but he was still frightened; horribly so, to see what was inside, as it was obviously something so important that Sirius had felt he needed to leave it behind; needed to show Remus. His indiscretions… how could they fit in this small box, tiny enough for Remus to cup between his hands? How could months of lying be compacted into one black and silver rectangle? Turning it over, he saw a name, etched into the bottom; along with an address, but he couldn't make sense of it at all; his brain too muddled to think of anything except inside… what was inside…?
Slowly… painfully… he edged the box open.
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Sirius wished it were raining.
Pouring. Storming. Even a wind would do. Anything but this perfect spring nighttime.
Racing along the streets, weaving in between cars and trucks on his black motorbike, Sirius wanted it to be raining. Maybe then there wouldn't be so many cars on the road to Lily and James' house, or maybe his sweating, tear tracked face wouldn't be quite so obvious. He wanted the weather to match his mood… he wanted a ghastly downpour; he wanted thunderstorms… he didn't want these clear skies, twinkling stars, and the mocking, beautiful night air.
It seemed like hours before he arrived at the house, waiting until as long as possible to cut off the bike's engine. He'd rushed to get here – but now that he was, he dreaded going inside. If he were to knock on the door, knowing James would answer… that would make it all real. He would have to explain what had happened; that he and Remus were—
Choking back another sob, Sirius didn't have to make the decision to knock on the door, because it had already been pushed open, and Lily, standing in her bare feet, gasped.
"Sirius!" he exclaimed, her eyes wide with shock and fear. "Are you alright? What's happened?"
Sirius tried, in vain, to calm himself down, to look her in the eye, but even as he lifted his eyes to her own green ones, he felt the emotion wrack his body once more. His face grew hot with embarrassment—this was no way to be seen by anyone, even if they were his best friends—and yet, he couldn't control himself… He felt himself being ushered in to the house and guided into a chair; heard the sounds of James murmuring to Lily as a glass of something hot was pushed into his hands, eyes, burning a hole into the skin of his palms…
"Padfoot," James voice now, much more steady. A palm on his shoulder, and Sirius forced himself to look into the eyes of his friend. "Talk to me. Are you hurt? Is Remus hurt?"
At the sound of the name Sirius dropped his gaze once more, and he felt the couch beside him sink with James' weight as he sat. He cleared his throat, and it felt like sandpaper, grating against his windpipe.
"It's over," he managed to say. His voice was shaking horribly, but after that first, brief sentence, it became somehow easier to speak. The tiny little trickle of water had begun to break the dam holding back his words. "Remus and I… we… he…"
He wanted to speak, but his tongue felt twisted in his mouth. James' hand still rested upon his shoulder, and its weight was warm and comforting… he cleared his throat, steadying himself, and tried again.
"He thought I'd cheated on him."
"What?" and now it was Lily, also beside him. "Why did he—?"
"—with Cecelia," Sirius continued dully, cutting her off.
"Oh…" said Lily quietly, sighing, and then she realized the magnitude of what he was saying. "Oh…"
"Yeah," said Sirius, still in the same, flat tone. He wiped a hand across his face, shaking his head at the same time, "he overheard James and I talking that one morning… James, you remember? And then when I came home late he said he smelled her cigarettes… I knew he had heard something this morning when she flooed in, but I never—"
"Did you try and explain?" asked James. His brow was furrowed in concentration, "I mean, did you tell him the truth?"
"I tried," It was Sirius' turn to sigh, and he did, deeply, the exhale shaking his entire body, "shit, James, I've never seen him like that. He was just… livid. Screaming at me—and this is after—after he…"
"He what?" prompted Lily, who was looking anxious.
"He kissed that Matt prick," Sirius growled, and he felt his hands instantly form into fists, gripping the fabric on his knees, "that filthy little fucker, he—"
"Sirius!" Lily exclaimed, shocked, but James reached for her hand.
"Lily, he's talking about Matt."
"Of course I'm talking about that prat!" Sirius exclaimed, "I know Moony wouldn't ever… do something like that…" he sighed deeply. "I'm not angry with him—I mean, I was at first, but after he said all those things… That's why I feel so miserable. I know this was my fault."
Lily and James exchanged a look, but neither said anything, so Sirius continued.
"When he was screaming at me and all of that, he told me—he told me, 'don't lie, Sirius'… 'stop lying, for once'… he was mad about everything. And he should be, you know? He never got angry with me, not ever, not even after I told him I'd lied and was late that full moon or any of it. Not even while we were ever at school has he ever so much as told me to bugger off. He just put up with it… and I never realized…
"He told me I must have thought he was too pathetic to care…" Sirius' eyes filled up with tears again, and without realizing it, his hand was resting open upon his chest, as if to push his thumping heart back into it. "Do you think he really meant that—he thinks I think—?"
"No, Sirius," Lily interrupted him this time, "No, you know he doesn't really think that, he was just angry—"
"He should be angry with me," Sirius muttered, avoiding her gaze, though she was looking desperately at his face.
"But I'm sure once you explain what happened," James insisted, trying to sound upbeat, "I'm sure once you tell him that—you two will—"
But Sirius was shaking his head. "No. I've been selfish enough. I left what Ceceliabrought me with him… he'll know the truth about this time… and that's enough. I've been stupid… expecting him to forgive me for everything I've done."
What more was there to say after that? Sirius had a final sort of tone, though the tears still streamed, now silently, down his face. Lily slipped her fingers into his, James, a hand still on his best friend's shoulder, as the three friends sat silently on the living room couch, all wishing that, for once, what you wanted in life could be what you needed as well.
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I want to formerly apologize for how depressing these chapters are? It makes me really, really sad.
But all these reviews make me really, really happy so... I guess it balances out. You guys are awesome.
Once again, I'm sorry this took FOREVER. Thanks for not hating me... It's the site's issue; I promise. I got those error things for a whole week before I found a way to fix it! I hope you guys aren't too mad!