Shades of Gray
(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.
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Sad chapter.
14
Remus was running.
He made it only just in time – into the bathroom, head in the toilet bowl, his stomach vomiting out the contents of his somehow shriveled stomach. The nausea had been what woke him from the fitful sleep he had fallen in to only a few hours ago, and now, as he retched, he was, once again, dully amazed that he felt so physically ill.
He never could have imagined how painful it was to be away from Sirius, let alone foresee how poor he would be feeling. It was like a burn—a slow, pulsating pain, spiking up with a hot intensity whenever he allowed his thoughts to get too close. He wanted answers; he wanted company, but at the same time, he wanted solitude, and the unknown. He still didn't understand what had happened, or what Sirius had meant by leaving him a beautiful box full of strange things. All he knew was that he was sick with more than just physical symptoms.
It was such a confusing feeling, to be right and wrong at the same time. As much as Remus hated himself for yelling at Sirius (as it had, after all, ended their relationship), he was still a changed man, and some small, stubborn part of him clung to the fact that he had, at least, done the right thing. This was becoming harder and harder to believe, though, as each day passed and Remus grew even more miserable. He couldn't keep telling himself that it was right when he just felt so damn wrong. After all of it, even if Sirius had cheated, Remus reminded himself—painfully—that he had, as well. Neither were right in what they had done, and maybe it was unorthodox, and strange, but Remus couldn't deny his true feelings.
He still wanted Sirius… He still loved him.
The worst of it all was the wedding. Somehow, in the midst of all this chaos and drama, there was to be the happiest celebration of all—a wedding, for two of Remus' best friends. In just a week's time, they would be getting married, and if Remus was thankful for one thing about it, it was the agreement he had made to Lily quite some time ago. He would stand with her on the day, after her sister had refused to be a part of the ceremony, and that meant, at least, that he would not have to be around Sirius until the actual marriage… and even this, he felt simultaneously happy and disappointed over.
It was all so confusing. Remus hated not being able to understand his own emotions, which were so many shades of gray, not at all black and white, like he wanted. He was still angry—and he was also sad, but at the same time ready to forgive, wanting Sirius back…
And so, the days until the wedding passed by; a haze of worry and confusion and tears; time slipping onto the floor, never to be collected again.
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In the typical fashion of their relationship, Sirius felt precisely the same way. As Remus tried to convince himself it was right when he felt so horrible, Sirius did the same—telling himself not to be selfish, not to beg for Remus back… trying, he told himself, to do the right thing… For once.
For Lily and James' sake, he pretended to be somewhat adjusted. He put a smile on his face when he walked down the stairs to breakfast, but they weren't blind; they could see his red eyes and dark circles, and they knew, as well as Sirius did, that he wasn't sleeping. They could only do so much, and they didn't get too involved—and Sirius was glad they were still excited about their marriage. The last thing he needed was more guilt, more time he drew away from those he loved.
His only relief was work, which he threw himself in to—letters upon letters, nose buried deep into books, anything to distract him from thinking about who would, inevitably, come to his mind. His lip, which he almost completely forgotten about in the heat of his breakup, had begun to heal; though the skin around it still had a somewhat dark tinge. Through everything, he avoided looking at himself in the mirror, because he didn't want to see the even darker mark stretched from shoulder to shoulder; a permanent reminder of what he wanted so desperately…
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On the morning of the wedding, Sirius awoke, as he had for the last week or so, in a hazy, half-delirious state. Still asleep, he reached across the bed for Remus… and when his hand met nothing but air, he felt himself wake completely.
He was alone.
No warm body lying beside him in the cool spring morning, no sleeping face to drawn into consciousness with a kiss. He had only his own fingers to lace together; his own hair to draw his hands through, and while all parts of his own body were still there, he felt strangely halved. Where were the thin, light limbs of Remus, or the strangely healed bump of bone across neck? Where were the criss-crossing scars and imperfections, the cold feet, the scent of hot, mint tea, the sleepily murmured "I love you"…?
Painfully, Sirius edged himself out of bed. He sat for a moment on the end of his cold bed, and then he stood, opening the door into the hallway to pad softly to wash. It was strange how even actions of waking up and showering could remind him of Remus, and yet they did—turning on the water and stepping in made him think of all their mornings together, times they both were nearly late for work because they were so caught up in one another. The morning after Christmas, more than a year ago, standing in their room at Hogwarts, Sirius rubbing shampoo onto Remus' head… and then, even fewer months ago, the mirror image of Remus doing the same action, the hot water splashing down as he, so lovingly, prepared Sirius for his first job…
Sirius shook the water from his head. Don't think about it. This was Lily and James' day, and despite his sadness, his now, jealousy… he would make it right for them.
Sirius switched the water in the shower to cold.
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Miles away, Remus stepped out in to the bathroom, shaking from the combination of cold, wet hair and the morning breeze. He crossed the room to the sink, pulling his toothbrush out to use, but, like Sirius, he avoided looking into the mirror.
He knew he was looking rough—pale, even paler than usual, and too thin, as he hadn't eaten a real meal in over a week. He carefully shaved the sparse hairs that were just now beginning to cover his chin, but he focused his gaze on the task only, eyes immediately dropping once he'd finished. He didn't want to see the deep scars on his upper arm, or the faded mark across his cheek; a nearly invisible scar he knew would become obvious once he really looked. Instead, he continued his routine, quickly, and then entered back in the room to dress.
Remus did everything as fast as possible in his bedroom. He hated the whole house now, for it reminded him of what had been, but the bedroom was the worst. Too many nights he had spent there with Sirius; too many lazy mornings, and every little thing sent him into a spiral of memories, from the still-dirty ashtray beside the bed to the occasionally found t-shirt.
He put on his suit without any feeling at all, finding socks, and pulling them on as well. He picked up his things from the dresser top – wallet, keys…
And the box…
He hesitated for a moment, and then, picking up the black-and-silver container, he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
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Sirius flipped over the silk fabric in his hands.
Up, down, across… he struggled to remember how as his hands fumbled. This was stupid, so stupid—it was just a bloody tie—and yet every second he stumbled felt like hours.
This was what he had been so excited for, all of these months. His friends, beaming at one another, feeling so happy, so complete… this is why he had spent so many hours away, caught up in the excitement of it all. Seeing their smiles, watching their glances… this is what he had worked so hard for.
What he had wanted for himself…
Finally, Sirius succeeded with a messily done tie, pulling the final knot with a sigh of heavy resignation.
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And with plastered smiles and heavily beating hearts, both men left.
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This makes me very sad to post.
I DO HAVE A QUESTION THOUGH. Does anyone have a suggestion for a name for this trilogy? I would like to have one, but I am drawing a blank.