Shades of Gray
(the THIRD AND FINAL companion to "No Better Mistake" and "Finding Home")
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING, not me.
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I'm getting really sad to end this one...
15
It was an outdoor wedding, and very beautiful. It was a perfect March afternoon, and as the sun grew lower in the sky, the guests continued to arrive, chattering happily as they perched in carefully arranged chairs on the lawn. James stood at the front of the crowd, unable to contain his smile, dressed handsomely in a suit, his hair, for once, looking distinctly unruffled. As if thinking this himself, James raised a hand, but Sirius immediately pushed it back down, and James turned to grin at him. Strange, how James stood, so confident… Sirius was the one who felt himself shaking, trembling with anticipation.
And then the music began—and Sirius, despite himself, felt his heart beat a little faster as Remus, hands tucked into his pockets, walked carefully down the aisle.
He hadn't thought this through, Remus realized, the moment he stepped foot down, because although he hadn't been with Sirius all day, now they were face-to-face, and they would stand that way too. Remus couldn't look away from him; couldn't turn from the eyes piercing in to him, because for some, foolish reason he suddenly found he wasn't at a wedding for Lily and James anymore. He was walking toward Sirius, and he saw, instantly, their own relationship, and his own walk, ready to make a commitment…
And then he was at the top of the aisle, taking his place, and even as the music changed and Lily entered, and the guests stood in respect, Remus couldn't look at anything besides Sirius.
It began. The smiling couple, beginning to speak; the official presiding over them, and still, Remus stared, watching as Sirius, to his utter amazement, began to cry. He wasn't sobbing—just a few, small tears dropping down his cheeks. Remus even heard a woman behind him whisper to her friend—"Look at the groom's brother, how sweet—!" because Sirius was smiling as well, a small, sad smile that Remus knew had nothing to do with the marriage. Perhaps they were both selfish, but there would be plenty of time to concentrate on Lily and James, and their unavoidable pairing later… for now, they only had eyes for each other.
And then it was over—they were leaving, people were clapping, and Remus felt himself pushed beside Sirius, gasping slightly as he felt the hand on his elbow.
It was like a cool breeze on a stifling hot summer day – unexpected, unpredictable, and yet so, so appreciated.
"I have to talk to you," whispered Sirius. His eyes were dry now, but there was a sense of urgency in his voice, "I know I shouldn't, but—"
"Come on," murmured Remus, and as the crowd moved over to begin the celebration, he drew Sirius back into the tent that Lily had emerged from. They were alone.
And without a word, there they were, pulled again into each other's arms, fiercely kissing as they never had before.
"Remus… " Sirius tried, but even he was unable to stop, hands tightly wrapped around Remus' face, eyes pressing shut, his breath growing quick and heavy in his desperation. It was strange sort of kiss, filled with need, but not of a sexual nature, thought both hearts were beginning to race. "I'm sorry—"
"Me too…" Remus murmured, hands groping against Sirius' sides, pulling him in closer, needing to have him closer. The days they had spent apart were melting away, and they clung to each other, as if trying to fill the empty hours. "I—"
But finally Sirius drew apart, though his hands still held Remus' face. Slowly, he drew a finger down the carefully made scar across his cheek, remembering, as always, where and when it had come from. His scar… "Listen… Remus… I am sorry. For everything. You were right to be mad at me—you should be mad at me…"
For this time, Remus didn't argue. He didn't protest; he only nodded, and because of this, Sirius continued: "I—I'm glad you were mad, actually…"
"I shouldn't have yelled like that, though," Remus said, shaking his head, "but I didn't realize I was angry about all those other things—I should've told you sooner—I shouldn't have—have kissed..." his voice fell short, and though Remus felt guilty, he cleared his throat again. "But Sirius," Remus swallowed hard, "I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't thought—"
"I know," Sirius muttered regretfully. His hands were still touching Remus' head, fingers gently stroking a piece of fine hair over his index finger. He looked a strange combination or relieved, and pained. "But that, at least, you know the truth about now—"
"It's in the past," Remus said hurriedly, "For both of us… I can live with what happened—"
"But Remus—" Sirius stopped, looking confused, "that's just it—nothing happened! I thought you'd know that… didn't you open what I'd left?"
"What, that box?" Remus asked, just as confused, "yes, but I—I didn't understand—"
And, pulling away from Sirius, he reached into his pocket and drew it out, and for the hundredth time he opened it, pulling out the two ropes of twine that had been tucked neatly inside.
It was jewelry, but nothing like Remus had seen before. The pendants, each as large as a coin, that hung from each string were a flat, smooth metal, carefully cut and embossed into an abstract, twisting shape. Almost like—
"It's a moon," Sirius told him, carefully taking one, "and a star… You know. I got them made. For us. The woman you heard me talking to—she's the one who did them… a friend of Lily's. I… I went over to talk to her that night I came home late… the night with the cigarettes…"
Remus stared down at his open hand, which still held the pendant, and suddenly, it made sense. Sirius, talking to her in the fire—"these are so great, by the way"—this was what he had been talking about. He'd purchased these from her, and she had delivered them… There was just one more thing he didn't understand.
"Why?" he asked simply, and to his surprise, Sirius blushed.
"Well, this isn't exactly how I wanted to tell you…" and suddenly, for the first time since they'd seen each other, Sirius grinned at him. It washed over Remus, filling him completely, and despite his confusion, he felt himself return the expression. Sirius' excitement was, as always, contagious. "All that time with Lily and James, you know—really got me thinking and I… well, I wanted to make a commitment to you, as well. An… official commitment."
"Oh…" said Remus softly, and the last piece of the puzzle clicked in to place. It came with a rush of relief, and happiness, and then—suddenly—the same, crashing feeling of horror.
"But I cheated on you. I kissed Matt," he murmured, "and you didn't—"
Sirius was shaking his head. "I've lied, and that's even worse. Not about this, of course—" he grinned again, shaking the jewelry in his hand, "but all of that stuff before… I don't think you ever really were mad at me before, Remus. I needed you to yell at me… It was the right thing, for you."
But now the grin was sliding off his face, replaced by grim resignation.
"But I don't expect you to forgive me for everything I've done, Moony." He looked pained, but determined, "You deserve a lot better than how I've treated you. I hate this," and again, he drew a hand to Remus' face, the same, sad smile playing across his lips, "but… it's for the best. It's like you said—I'm not being fair to you, asking you to accept me for—"
"Don't be stupid, Padfoot," Remus cut him off, "it's just like you told me… Nothing in my life has ever meant more to me than you." There was silence between them, suddenly, but Remus cleared his throat, and spoke again.
"We've changed—we've both changed. Thanks to you now, I know I'm finally worth something… I know I deserve happiness, and that it's okay to be mad and…" he felt a smile creeping across his face.
"I know that I need everything about you… I know this is crazy, but I'm not losing you again."
Gently, he reached over to Sirius and touched the pendant in his hand. Everything about this relationship was wrong—they had both messed up, badly—and yet, it was unavoidable. They were meant for one another.
"Will you… take this, and… commit to be with me?" he looked up at the boy's steel gray eyes, and he took another deep breath, "forever?"
And Sirius smiled down at him, knowing they were stupid, but knowing, somehow… they were right.
"If you will have me… Yes," he said simply, and the two dissolved into their embrace once more.
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You didn't think I was going to leave it on a sad note, did you? Points if you can spot the references to the past stories!
But there's still an epilogue!
And I still am trying to think of a name for this series. Thanks to everyone who has read all three stories... I really enjoyed sharing these and I'm sad to end them!