Author's note: SHAME on me for not updating in over a week. There, now you don't get to say it.

Any ideas, large or small, inspired or taken from this fic are, of course, up for grabs. There is no money involved, and chances are if I liked the idea well enough to use it, I'd like whatever fic you were thinking of using it in as well.

Ransack everything.

---

The week that followed was bad.

Pantyhose Tarou had come by, and while he hadn't managed to kidnap anyone this time, it wasn't for lack of trying. Not only had he gotten more accustomed to using his cursed form in combat, but he had obviously been working out, and Ranma was feeling it in his ribs. Dr. Tofu had assured him nothing was broken, but, then again, it would also be a few more days before the pain subsided.

And things were not getting better. All he needed now was for a new fiancée to appear, or Herb to decide he wanted to settle the score between them.

In fact the only thing he had to be thankful for, lately, was the Amazons' absence. And that was beginning to worry him. Shampoo was very clearly up to something, and the old ghoul was in on it. And while he could handle Shampoo – not without effort – the Matriarch was a considerably more scary foe to have to go up against.

By his most optimistic estimates, it would still be over a decade before he could consistently beat the old woman in a fair fight, and most of his life before he could outwit her outside of combat. He could ask Happosai for assistance with the former, but judging by past experience the pervert was likely to die of old age before he gave Ranma anything useful without a horrible catch or price attached.

Mousse was gone, as well. Shampoo wasn't that bad when she wasn't trying to seduce him, beat up his friends or claw his sanity apart, but the blind boy was just SO annoying.

His thoughts were interrupted. It took him a moment to recognise the sound he heard as bicycle bells. When he turned around, it was with a smile on his face, relieved at the prospect of finally getting to question Shampoo about what her great grandmother was up to.

Which was why the impact of the Cat Café's delivery bike felt a lot more painful than he remembered it. It quashed his face and pushed him down into the asphalt.

It felt heavier than usual, too. "Pain," he groaned, and opened his eyes. On the bike sat not Shampoo, but Mousse, a new pair of even thicker glasses over his eyes.

"Saotome!" he bellowed.

Ranma pushed the bike away and stood up. "You!? Why are you on the bike? Where's Shampoo?"

For reply he was left to dodge chains, grappling hooks and – AARGH, water balloons! He noticed too late to dodge the splash, but caught one of the many colourful bringers of despair and hurled it back. It got Mousse in the face, causing him to pause in his attack and wipe his glasses with one sleeve.

Ranma stared at him. "You… didn't change," he said.

"Your perceptiveness astounds me," Mousse jeered.

"You, are you…? Are you cured?"

"Indeed."

Ranma gaped. "You returned to Jusenkyo?"

Mousse nodded.

A faint light of hope lit up in the back of Ranma's mind, but it died almost as soon as it had sparked. "Did you… did you bring any nannichuan?"

Mousse laughed. "Of course not."

Ranma suppressed her disappointment. Then another thought occurred. "And… Shampoo? Is she cured too?"

Mousse scowled. There was a dangerous gleam in his thick, non-see-through glasses.

"And, err, why are you on deliveries, anyway? Where is Shampoo?"

"Saotome!" Mousse shouted, and launched another attack.

Ranma dodged, backing slowly, not wanting to risk knocking Mousse unconscious if there was any chance she could get more information out of him.

"Like! You! Don't! Know!" Mousse screamed, unleashing weapon after weapon from his hidden arsenal.

"How the heck am I supposed to know?!" Ranma demanded. "You guys just up and left and weren't seen by anyone for over a month!"

Mousse paused. "You mean you don't know?" he asked, softly.

Ranma nodded. "No idea."

"Lies!" Mousse spat, leaping in to attack with his short range weapons.

Ranma continued dodging for a full minute, but as Mousse didn't let up on the attacks and didn't speak while he fought, she finally went on the offensive. It took her all of thirty more seconds to bully Mousse into submission.

"Look, just tell me what's going on," she said.

"I don't know!" he complained.

Ranma frowned. "What? Then why were you attacking me?"

"The old monkey!" Mousse whined. "She said you would know."

Her frown deepened. "What? She never told me anything. What did she say, exactly?"

Mousse steadied himself, recalling the Matriarch's words. "You will be making the deliveries for now. Sooner or later I'm sure you will run into Ranma, and then you can talk to him about it." He scowled again. "So now I'm talking to you."

Ranma muttered a few choice insults under her breath. "Look, I don't know what the old bat is up to." She sighed, concentrating. Today was Sunday, so there was no school, and he didn't have anything else planned.

He set off over the roofs in the direction of the Cat Café.

---

Cologne sat sipping tea at one of the customer tables.

She looked up and raised an eyebrow when Ranma came in.

"Speak up," Ranma demanded.

"Would you like a little tea? I just prepared a kettle, and the sort is next to impossible to get your hands on outside of the Joketsuzoko."

Ranma scowled. "Where's Shampoo? I want to talk to someone who's sane around here."

"You met Mousse?" Cologne asked. Then she sighed. "I guess it was too optimistic to hope you would come of your own accord."

"Where is she?"

Cologne made a dismissive gesture. "It's all very mysterious. Please, sit down, and we can continue our talk from last time."

She remained standing. "Where's Shampoo?"

Cologne raised her staff in Ranma's general direction, causing her to flinch.

"Sit down, please."

Ranma reluctantly acquiesced.

"So you met Mousse," Cologne said, sounding as casual as she had ever heard her.

"Yeah."

"What did he say?"

"Curse cured, Shampoo missing, you sent him after me."

"Wrong on one. I made him take over the deliveries. I expected him to attack you, but I certainly didn't tell him to."

"Yeah, well, he did."

Cologne nodded disinterestedly. "So what have you been thinking about these last ten days?"

Ranma shrugged, steeling herself for a conversation that wasn't going to go where she wanted it to for a while. "Nothing much. Stuff's been happening. The school's a war zone. Tarou's growing stronger…"

"The usual, then."

Ranma snorted. "Worse."

"Oh dear. And no bright points?"

"I was enjoying the fact that these crazy foreigners I know haven't tried anything. And then you came back to Nerima, wherever you've been."

"Dear me, are we that bad, Ranma?"

Again, she wasn't calling her son-in-law… "I want to know what you and Shampoo are up to."

Cologne made another dismissive gesture. "I assure you Shampoo wants no part in this."

Ranma frowned. She considered that in silence for a while.

"So… that's why she isn't here? You sent her away?"

Cologne ignored her. Instead she asked a question of her own. "Ranma, have you considered what I asked you to think about the last time we met?"

She frowned. "Not much."

Cologne sighed. "Why?"

"'Cause you're up to something and I don't trust you."

"Look," Cologne said, in a tone that held a spear to the throat of any notion Ranma might have been entertaining of interrupting her. "If I tell you two plus two equals four, does it matter what you think of me?"

Ranma frowned. "Err… I guess… no?"

"And if I tell you it equals five, does it matter if it's me or Kasumi who says it?"

"Um. You'd… both be wrong?"

"Yes. And if I tell you something else, should the truth or falsity of it be judged solely by the fact that it's me saying it? Or should you consider it on its own terms and merits?"

"Where are you getting at?"

"I want you to ask yourself the question: What kind of relationship could you have with Akane?"

Ranma scowled. "But you're just saying that because you want me to marry Shampoo!"

"I'm not giving you the answer. You know what I think, but I'm telling you to think it through on your own. Spend some time with the girl. Talk to her. Imagine what it would really be like if you married her, whether it be a week, a year or a decade from now. Think."

"Tch!" Ranma stood up. "You're worse than Ryoga."

"And so you are walking away without the answers you came for?" She raised an eyebrow.

"You obviously aren't going to give me them anyway."

"What are your questions?"

"Where's Shampoo?" she asked.

"Somewhere where you can't talk to her."

"That's all you are going to say?"

"For now."

Ranma let his arms fall, feeling weary. "Look, just… just tell my why you are doing this."

"I want you to fall in love with Shampoo," the old matriarch said.

"And how do you expect me to do that without letting me even see her?"

Cologne shrugged. "I'm sure you'll get to see her eventually."

"Well, why not now?"

"Because, right now, if I told you everything, you wouldn't fall in love with her."

Ranma almost laughed. She threw her arms out. "Then why are you doing this?"

"I need you to fall out of love with Akane before you fall in love with Shampoo."

He recoiled slightly at that. He was still very uncomfortable with anyone saying he was in love at all. And it didn't help that she was being perfectly calm and non-threatening about it.

He paused, considering his next words carefully. "And if you can't have that?"

"Then I fear quite a few people are going to end up miserable about it."

"Is that a threat?"

"The Joketsuzoku would give you no grief."

He rubbed his eyes, deciding to give up for the day. "Is there anything else?"

"I think we are done for today. Oh, one more thing?"

"…Yeah?"

"Mousse has got a new pair of glasses. I'm sure his eye sight will continue to deteriorate, but for the next few weeks at least he should be able to see reasonably well."

Ranma nodded. "Great…"

---

I'm not sure about this chapter… it certainly wasn't as funny as the first three. Guess I'll have to make up for that next time.

Oh yeah, and I can honestly say I was delayed in uploading this because of an internal error in the fanfictiondotnet machinery (*cough* for a few hours *cough*).