"Triana," the voice came over the telephone. "I'm taking the boys out hiking today in the State park. I wondered if you wanted to come along?"
"Spend a day with...the Venture Brothers?" Triana's disgust sounded clearly over the connection.
"Yeah. But I thought you might like to get out of the house. And, no," Gary quickly added, "Dean did not put me up to this."
"Did you get," Triana paused to look around to see if her father was anywhere's close, "that thing I asked for?"
"Yeah, one carton of Virginia Slim. But you can't smoke in the State Park. I don't want to be responsible for starting a forest fire."
"As long as I can have a smoke before we get started. Yeah, I'll go."
"You gonna smoke in front of the boys? They're the worst tattletales in the world," Gary reminded her.
"God forbid I upset their delicate sensibilities." Triana sighed. "I'll bring a backpack and some time during the day you can slip the cigarettes into it."
An hour later they were cruising through the main gate of the Venture compound in the X-13, as Gary decided to christen the ancient atomic powered car. Triana lolled in the front seat, fingers twitching for a smoke. It made her feel like a junkie. Dean had wanted to sit up front with her but Gary had insisted that the two boys sit in back. Then they had wanted Triana to sit in back with them. Gary had whispered, "if you love your DNA don't sit back there."
Triana looked at the back seat, then at the small tower under the triple axles with the 'nuclear' logo on it. "Should you let the boys sit back there?"
"I don't think their DNA can be screwed up any more than it is."
It was a short drive to the State Park except that Gary took numerous meanders and detours, getting the feel for the landscape while not appearing to. The atomic car climbed the hills with ease despite its enormous weight. It could reach surprisingly high speeds, once it got rolling. Gary wondered how many horse it had under the hood but guessed that like it's mileage, power was irrelevant. In any case everyone they passed had stared in astonishment at the big pink car with the sail-like fins and bubble roof. And wasn't the whole point of cruising to get other people to notice you? Even before they got to the State Park Gary felt they had accomplished everything they had set out to do.
At the park Gary picked up a map of the area and drove around to the Nature Center where all the hiking trails started. He parked aslant three spaces since the car was too big to fit in a normal slot.
They piled out of the car and headed towards the trail head. Hank had dressed up like a TV big game hunter, in short khaki pants, a multi-pocketed shirt and a over-sized pith helmet. He was even practicing saying "Crikey" with an Australian accent. Dean was wearing his brown suit since he was under the impression that he was on a date with Triana. He kept trying to start a conversation with her. Triana had found a pair of old jeans and a pull-over sweater. Her penny loafers looked as impractical as Dean's Oxfords but Gary wasn't going to mention that.
They had been hiking for about an hour when they came to a small glade, maybe forty yards wide and a hundred yards or more long. A stream ran through it about twenty feet across and from the look of it several feet deep. Tall trees to the east offered a bit of shade against the bright warm sun. A few large rocks offered places to sit. Gary announced they'd take a short break here. Hank, who had been mopping his brow for a while took one look at the stream and suggested they go skinnydipping.
"Oh Boy!" Dean exclaimed, "Last one in is a rotten egg!" The two two boys started tearing at their clothes. "Come on, Triana," Dean called when he noticed that the girl hadn't moved.
"No way am I taking my clothes off in front of you two," she announced, and then, seeing Dean reach for the zipper on his pants, turned away with a blush.
Gary shook his head as he watched the boys undress. "I wouldn't do that," he told them. They weren't listening to him. As Hank pulled off his last sock and raced for the river bank Gary told Triana, "You really got to see this. It'll be fun."
"The last thing I want to see is Dean's...worm." Triana replied.
"Do you know where mountain streams get their water? Glaciers. Ice cold glaciers."
Gary had barely finished when there was a splash followed almost immediately by a loud scream. Despite herself Triana turned around, just in time to see Dean streak past her, hands on his privates, panic in his eyes.
"The exercise will do him good," Gary commented. "Warm him up."
Hank remained in the water. "Hey, Gary," he called, "what are you waiting for? The water is f-f-f-f-fine." His lips were turning blue and this teeth were chattering by the time he finished.
Gary walked over to the edge of the stream. "Hank, you've got two minutes to get out of there or hypothermia is going to kill you."
"No, it's great, not c-c-c-cold at all?"
"Don't make me come in and get you, 'cause I won't like it. The water's freezing. I'm willing to let you turn into a Hanksicle but I don't want to have to explain it to your dad."
"D-d-d-d-arn" Hank said before wading out of the stream. He was shivering violently by the time he got to his clothes and started pulling them on.
"I'd better go find Dean," Gary said.
"Don't leave me with him," Triana said and followed after.
They found Dean about a quarter-mile away. He had run, straight as an arrow, down the trail they'd just come up before running head-on into a tree. The path had detoured around the tree. Dean hadn't. Even unconscious he hadn't let go of the family jewels.
"Is he..." Triana asked.
"Dead? Sorry, no. He'll live. He should be able to continue to pee standing up."
"Thanks for putting that image in my head. He must have hit that tree pretty hard."
Gary peeled each of Deans eyes open one at a time. "The pupils looks the same so probably no concussion," Gary explained. He picked the boy up and throw him over his shoulder and lead the way back to the stream. Back when he was a henchman, before 24 died he wouldn't have been able to pick up Dean, or even half of Dean. He probably couldn't have run half as far as Dean did either. The relentless exercise he began after 24's death had replaced much that had been fat with muscles. He didn't look that much different from before. But at moments like this it was obvious that Gary was a lot different from Henchman 21.
Hank was dressed when they got back, sitting on the grounding leaning against one of the sunnier large rocks. he was shivering in his damp clothes and looked miserable.
"Hank, get Dean's cloths. We got to get this idiot dressed." Gary told him.
"Can me make a fire?"
"No. It's too dry up for fires. Just keep moving and you'll warm up quick enough."
It was necessary for Gary to pry Dean's hands off his crotch so they could pull his underpants up. That seemed to bring him out of his daze and he was able to help get the rest of his clothes one. As soon as he shoes were tied Gary set off again along the trail to the top of the ridge. He had intended to stop in the glade for lunch but the boys needed the exercise to warm up after their ice bath so he pushed on further up the trail.
He lead the way for a while, until he noticed that Triana was lagging farther and farther back. He stopped, sent Hank and Dean on ahead and waited for the girl to catch up. He fell in beside her, matching his steps to her short, slower pace.
"You OK?" he asked.
"I can't believe those boys are more athletic than I am." she panted.
"They spend a lot of time running away from things."
"Why aren't you leading the way? Aren't you afraid they might do something stupid?"
"No Troop left Behind!"
"And I'm the Behind."
Gary tried to do a Grouco Marx impersonation. "It's a very nice behind, but I'm seeing someone else."
"Are you flirting with me?" Triana looked at him shocked.
"I am seeing someone else. Don't drop me straight lines unless you mean it."
"I'm sorry if I'm slowing you guys down."
"Hey, we have no where in particular to go and all day to do it. As soon as the boys warm up some we'll break for lunch."
They walked for a little bit in silence. Gary was enjoying the cool, crisp air, the faint smell of pine, the smooth, almost mechanical movement of arms and legs. At moments like this it felt good to be alive. Then he felt guilty because he was alive and 24 wasn't.
"I got a question," he began, the words sort of blurting out before he had decided whether to ask her or not. "You're studying magic right."
Triana nodded.
"I have a friend. He died last year."
"I'm so sorry."
"Well, I - uh -?"
"I can't bring him back. Necromancy is very high magic. I'm not sure Dad can but you really should ask him."
"I'm afraid to talk to your father."
"Tell me about it."
"But - uh -" Gary fumbled for the words. "That's not it. I already asked Dr. Venture if he would clone him, and the bastard wasted a half million dollar comic book and did nothing."
"There are comic books worth a half million dollars?" Triana seemed genuinely surprised.
"A first issue Marvel Tales in mint condition, yes. But that's not my question. I still see my friend. He hangs around, talks to me. But he's dead. So am I seeing a ghost or having a psychotic episode."
Triana looked at him for a moment. "You really liked your friend?"
"We were like brothers, maybe better than brothers."
"But not in a gay way." 24 was suddenly walking on the other side of Triana. He was scowling at Gary.
"But not in a gay way," Gary repeated what his invisible friend had just said.
"Soulmates?"
"That's a girly way of putting it." Gary sneered. "But - I guess."
"Ok, here's the problem." Triana began. "Spirits do exist but they only appear to certain people. So it's really hard to say whether you're being visited by a ghost or not."
24 rolled his eyes."Of course I'm real." 24 insisted.
"Do you remember that old movie, Harvey, about the invisible magical rabbit?"
"With Jimmy Stewart. Yeah, it's great."
"Well, your situation is much like that. No body can prove that Harvey exists, things happen that suggest Harvey exists and in the end its up to the viewers to decide if they believe in the rabbit."
"Do I look like a rabbit?" 24 wanted to know. He flapped his henchnab wings menacingly, but that could have been a momentary breeze coming off the mountain top.
"So - you can't tell me whether I'm being haunted by the ghost of my friend?"
"If it bothers you I'm sure Dad can arrange an exorcism for you, but - does it bother you to have your friend around?"
"Only when I'm ma - in the bathroom."
Triana looked at him oddly, like she'd heard what he'd tried not to say.
"You know," she continued, "you will only see your friend when you want to."
"But you can't tell if he's here? Say if he were walking beside you just now?"
Triana looked to her other side, her face passing through 24's extended Monarch wings as if they didn't exist. "He's here, isn't he. Your friend?"
"Yeah."
"And yet I don't feel, or see or sense a thing."
"Dude, you are so making time with her," 24 said "You should, totally, ask her out on a date."
"I've got a girlfriend," Gary complained.
"What?" Triana asked.
"Did I say that out loud? Sorry. 24 is telling me to - well, never mind. He's just messing with my head."
"Exorcism. I'm sure my Dad would give you a cut rate on the ceremony."
"Hey Gary, Triana! You've got to see this!" Hank was calling from the ridge top up ahead. He waved frantically from them to hurry up.
The trail leveled off at a stretch where the side of the mountain must have once collapsed. Above, the mountain side reared in a steep, rocky incline of sixty or seventy degrees. Below, the mountain opened up into a shallower decline of large rocks and boulders, some the size of a house. But all covered now by moss with grass growing between the boulders and the occasional bush struggling to find a foothold in the landscape. Trees grew up the slope on either side of this fall in tall dark ranks but for a hundred yards or so the mountainside was bald.
They stood and looked out over the horizon at the long valley below them. To one side they could make out the nature Center where they had started from.
"Hey Gary," Hank called "There's our car!" The X-13 was indeed visible as much for its size as it's bright color.
Gary was more interested in the turkey buzzard circling more or less at their level, a quarter of a mile away. What a huge and majestic bird, soaring effortlessly in the sky. And yet a little further up the trail they would be looking down on the bird, having climbed high into the heavens. It was what you might call a "Kodak Movement" if only Kodak hadn't gone out of business. Oh, wait, that was Polaroid that went out of business. Kodak was still making camera. Film, too, just not as much."
"Look Out!" Dean screamed and hurled himself at Triana, dragging her off and below the trail and some feet back. Hank and Gary leaped aside as several large boulders came hurtling down the mountainside and bounced over the trail and down into the valley below. A hail of smaller rocks and stones followed. Dean crawled on top of Triana to shield her body with his. Another large boulders came lumbering down the slope, kicking up more rubble as it went. Hank had to scramble to get out of its way. As a third boulder started rolled down Gary waved the others back the way they came, and into the shelter of the trees there.
Hank took to his heels like a quarterback making an end run, hoping over falling rocks and dodging sheets of gravel. Gary made sure that Dean and Triana were on their feet and running before following.
He got to the sheltering trees in time to hear Triana tell Dean "You can let go of my hand, now. And the next time you save my life try not coping a feel while your at it!"
"I did not such thing!" Dean insisted, his face growing red.
"Oh, come on, dude," Hank snorted. "We all could see it. You had her boob in, like, a Vulcan Death Grip!"
"There's no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip," Dean replied, guiltily hiding his hand behind his back.
"There is too!"
"Guy, guys,"Gary broke in. "You're thinking of the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. That done with the thumb and first finger and to the person's shoulder. But Dean, what would Brock Samson say in a situation like this?"
"To never admit to anything?" Dean answered hesitantly.
Gary was stumped for a moment because that was something Brock would say. "No, he'd say to man up and admit what you did. So, now, did you grab Triana's breasts?"
"Yes." He almost whispered he spoke so low, and was digging his shoe into the dirt as he said so. "But I didn't mean to. I mean at first. I was just trying to get her out of the way of the avalance and when we landed I realized I was touching her - her - bosom - and it felt so nice and - I'm sorry. I just didn't want to let go."
"Dean - I can't believe you groped me!" Triana fumed.
"He was trying to save your life." Gary observed.
"Can I save Triana next? I want to feel her -" Hank looked hopeful.
"No!" Gary and Triana said in unison.
"Jinks - Double jinks!" Dean said with a laugh.
"Guys! Guys! Focus! I'm going up there to see what started those rocks rolling. Dean, the next time you save Triana's life remember to respect her dignify and no groping or she'll have my permission to kick you in the nuts. Hank! The same goes for you. While I'm gone I want you three to stay here and stay together. Be on the lookout for any and everything.
"You think someone tried to roll those rocks on top of us." Hank seemed incredulous.
"You're the Venture Brothers, what do you think?"
Gary took off up the steep slope through the trees. It was tough going. The ground was covered in half-rotted leaves and loosely held dirt. Trying to be silence and swift at the same time was a challenge. It was only fifteen minutes later before he was at the top of the ancient rockslide. No one was in sight. Gary made his way out to where it looked like the rock slides had started. It was easy enough to see where the rocks had been. The ground was still damp where they had rested. Studying the ground closely, he couldn't be sure but it looked like someone in high heels have been moving from rock to rock. It must be the sniper from the day before, he decided. Gary tried sniffing the air for any hint of perfume but could only pick up the forest around him.
But how did the sniper find them at the park and get ahead of them? He pulled out the map at the park and checked on the trails. Sure enough the descending half of the trail they were on was steep but short and ended at the Nature Center. Someone could have followed them to the park, seen what trail they were on and circled around and got here first. They'd have to be in really great shape, though. This had to be a professional hit, then. That would ft with the high heels. A Blackheart operation. But why so clumsy and inefficient? A sniper seated up here could have taken them all out in three shots and been gone before the first round stopped echoing on the hills. Of course killing them with a rock slide would have made it look natural. But why would the Blackhearts go to that kind of trouble? It didn't add it and Gary didn't like that.
Going down was actually worse than going up. It was harder to keep one's balance, hard to keep each step down from turning into a somersault. But Gary got down, told the others their assailant had left, and lead them across the open rock face and into the forest beyond. In a short while they reached the mountain peak where picnic tables offered them a sorely needed rest. Gary set down his backpack and took out bottles of water and sandwiches for everyone. Triana casually dropped her backpack next to Gary's. While the boys were intent on their sandwiches Gary slide a carton of cigarettes from his backpack into Triana's. He wanted to hit her up for the money, since they had cost a fortune. States everywhere were trying to tax cigarettes out of existence, but he figured she'd pitch a bitch about that. The next carton - and he figured if she stayed over for very long there would be another carton - she would pay double for it.
After they had eaten the boys started to play. Hank had brought along a hackysack and they were kicking that around. Triana had remained seated with Gary. After watching the boys play for a while he turned to Triana and asked, "You've known the boys longer than I have what makes them act the way thy do?"
"How should I know," she answered petulantly. "I'm not a psychologist."
"But it's weird. I'll be talking to them one minute and they'll something pretty smart - Hey, Dean! What's that?" Gary pointed to a nearby oak tree.
"That's an example of a tree in the genus Quercus. The genus is native to the northern hemisphere, extending from the poles to the tropics. Oak trees are flowering plants. The genus is divided into two subgenera, Quercus, such as the white oak and Cyclobalanopsis, the latter native to Asia. Oaks have spirally arranged leaves, that divide into lobes. Some oak keaves are smooth edged while others are serrated.
Oak is a dense wood with great strength and hardness, and is very resistant to insect and fungal attack because of its high tannin content. Oak wood, from Quercus robur and Quercus petraea, was used in Europe for the construction of ships, especially naval men of war, oak is still commonly used for furniture making and flooring, timber frame buildings, and for veneer production."
"But what does that mean?" Gary asked.
Dean looked at him blankly. "What does what mean?" he asked.
"Yes," Gary said. "One minute he's like a walking encyclopedia and the next he's a black slate."
"Maybe it's their teaching beds?"
"Teaching Beds?"
"Yeah," Triiana explained. "They sleep in these weird beds that teach them stuff every night. That what they told me, anyway. Maybe this stuff their supposed to be learning just hangs around in their heads like indigestible wax or something."
"And whenever someone asked them a question they barf up the answer but don't understand it because they haven't actually learned it." Gary finished her thought. "That would explain a lot but why do they act like they were just born yesterday when they're like 17 years old. You'd think they'd have learned a lot of practical stuff by now anyway."
Triana shrugged her shoulders. "Well, their father never lets them out of the house..."
Gary nodded at that.
"It looks like they're having more fun than I am, so I you'll excuse me..." she got up and joined the two brothers. She was laughing and shouting with excitement even though she wasn't really good at the game. After a while when she'd dropped the sack once again she just stooped down, grabbed it and tossed it over Dean's head to Hank. At which point the game became Keep-away.
Gary watched with benevolent amusement. How young they seemed, how child-like. They made him feel like an old man, even though he was barely ten years older than they were. He thought for a while about their unseen sniper. But that proved futile so he thought about Kim instead. They had been together for what, like four hours and most of that time had been spent screwing but, God, he liked her. Was she the one, he wondered? Did they have a future? She could be a bit bossy and shrewish - just like his mother. He didn't see that as a problem, it was something he was used to. Of course one reason he quit the Monarch was because he was bossy and shrewish.
He wondered, as he often did, whether there could have been a future for him and Dr. Girlfriend - Sheila. Like real people, she did have a name. Once he would have crawled over broken glass for her. Walked on fire, swum lagoon filled with sharks. Except that he would never have done any of those things. That was crazy. And while he was crazy in love with her, he wasn't suicidal, either.
Of course arching someone took quite a bit of money. The Monarch had his trust fund, of course. Gary did not. That would have made graduating from Henchman to Super-Villain rather difficult. Also who would have he have Arched? Villains have to arch somebody and frankly there wasn't anybody he really hated. Not the way The Monarch hated Dr. Venture. In all the years he'd worked for The Monarch he had never learned why that was. The Monarch once said that Venture had laughed at his poems but that hardly seemed like reason enough. Especially since the poems, which he had found in a doubly-encrypted file, were pretty laughable.
Thinking about it, Gary realized that the only person he felt at all intensely about was The Monarch and villains weren't allowed to Arch other villains. Of course as one of the good guys he could go after the Monarch, but that wouldn't technically be Arching. That would be a Police Action. And it seemed pretty unlikely that Mrs. Dr. The Monarch would agree to Arch her own husband. Though that would be pretty evil.
Gary brought his mind back to Kim. God, she was beautiful, and not just because she slept with him. She was witty, smart, liked the things he liked, well, some of them, and most of all didn't think he was a gross and disgusting pig. Of course he hadn't talked about his collection of Star Wars memorabilia or his love of Dungeons and Dragons. He had learned to hold his tongue while reshaping himself into the perfect Henchman. Time enough to mention those things later.
What did he know about her? That she was busy, had a boss that was tough and didn't appreciate her. That she had to sneak out to see him. What he really wanted to do, Gary realized, was to find some way to spend time with Kim that didn't involve the back seat of Brock's car. The idea of taking her out for dinner, a real meal and not a quick burger after hot sex. Or maybe a movie. Half-Life II was coming out soon. That sounded like a good flick. Then they'd have time to talk, to really get to know each other. Then later, if they still liked each other they could have the hot crazy sex.
Yeah, that sounded like a plan. Gary was all set for calling her up but it was still early in the day. She'd said not to call before six. He'd have to wait. As a henchman all he ever did was wait (or hide) and that had been just great. Now waiting sucked.
Oddly enough, at that moment Kim Duquesne was not thinking about Gary. She was too intent on sneaking back into the old abandoned convent that had been converted into the headquarters of United Conflict Resolution Systems. The former Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows convent was surrounded with an eight foot high brick wall. Easy enough for her to climb over after all the training she had got. A short run, a quick leap and the top of the wall was in her hands. She had removed the pieces of broken glass embedded in the cement covering the top in just this one location.
She pulled herself up and flipped over with almost weightless ease. She looked across the narrow patio to a spy cam mounted on the wall of one of the buildings. The camera panned back and forth covering all the wall in this area, but she had jammed a small stick in one end of the guide track preventing the camera from making a full pan, opening up a four foot span of unmonitored wall.
The camera was mounted twelve feet off the ground. Kim took a short run, planted her feet on the wall and pushed herself up in a running leap. A couple more quick steps up the side of the wall and she grasped the bracket holding the camera. Holding on with one hand she removed the stick and dropped back to the ground. While it was unlikely that the Blackhearts assigned to monitor the cameras would ever notice the limited pan of one of the units, it was best to not leave it obstructed - just in case.
Once over the fence it was easy to walk across the grounds to her unit and slip in the door. No one was watching. The mop and bucket of water she'd prepared before she left were where she'd hide them, in the janitorial closet. She got them out and quickly splashed water all over the dorm's floor she was busy mopping it up when Molotov Cocktease stuck he head inside the doorway.
"Darlink, you do such good work. Dis floor iz spotless!"
"Thank you, Ma'am." Kim replied. It's always good to butter up the boss.
"And you have givin' up idea of assassinating Venture Brothers."
"I've learned the errors of my ways, ma'am"
"See that you have," Molotov warned. She left.
Kim finished mopping the floor. All Blackhearts had household duties like this, which they did from 2 PM to 4. Though the convent was no longer a religious order Cocktease ran it on a same tight schedule just like the old nuns did.
When the floor was done Kim showered and changed her clothes. The last evidence of her outing to kill Hank Venture was buried in a hamper of dirty linens.
She had lingered in the shower while thinking about the new bodyguard the Venture's had. As luck would have it the two times she's seen him he had been turned away so all we really know about him was that he had a really nice ass. He must be pretty good, Kim concluded, because he'd spotted her sniper scope from a quarter-mile away. But then it proved harder to kill Hank Venture than she had expected. The rockslide ought to have got him today but the other one, Dean Venture, was fidgeting around so much and seen the rocks coming. Kim only intended to kill Hank. Dean had been Triana's date, back then. Let her deal with him if she wants. But now it looked as if to kill one Venture Brother she was going to have to kill both. Oh well. So be it.
She hoped Gary would call tonight. She was feeling real frustrated about not being able to kill Hank Venture, she needed something to take her frustrations out on and Gary was good for that. He was kind of a dope but hard muscled and she liked that. And in the sack... He didn't know a lot of fancy moves but he sure knew how to put a smile on a girl's face. And doing it in the back seat of a car - that was real nasty. She liked nasty.
Someone opened the barracks door and let it close with a bang, bringing Kim to her senses. She turned off the water and was toweling herself dry when Adrienne, a petite blonde from her group can in and dropped a towel on a bench next to an adjacent stall. Kim waved hello as the girl stepped into her shower and left to dress, but her mind was the upcoming tryst that night.