A Fair Distance: Running on Empty. Chapter Five
Jim Ellison gripped the steering wheel of his truck and swore at the rain pelting his windshield. The bad weather he was dealing with was just the tip of the iceberg when he considered all the reasons he hated this trip.
There were the long days of driving from Cascade to Sweetwater-where-the-fuck-is-it-anyway-Tennessee. By his calculations, it was going to be about thirty-eight to forty hours of driving. Damn Simon anyway for insisting that he drive instead of fly. Oh, Simon had trotted out figures showing that it would cost over a thousand dollars for Jim to fly and rent a car, not even counting the expense if Jim brought Sandburg back home.
Jim wasn't buying it, though. Simon thought he needed the time to think things through and lose the anger that had exploded within him when he was tagged to interrogate Sandburg about the Edwards murder. Simon had been hinting ever since Sandburg had figuratively told Jim 'fuck you' by leaving Cascade the way he did, that Jim needed to contact Sandburg and make things right with the kid.
Right. Make things right…there was no making things right.
Blair Sandburg had succeeded in living up to all of Jim's expectations of him. Christ, having to think about all these memories he'd worked hard at repressing was another big part of why he hated this trip. It was going to be hell to see his ex-lover and not shake some answers out of him.
Answers to questions like: When did his partner decide that Jim wasn't to be trusted with information concerning important issues in Blair's life? How long had Sandburg been making plans to leave town with a new lover?
And why was keeping that sleazy job at the bar more important than how it made Jim feel to see his lover get all tarted up for other men's and women's viewing pleasure? Worse, at times, the customers had done more than just look at Blair in his tight shirt and tighter jeans. Before the manager had kicked Jim out, he'd gone with Blair to work several nights; smelled the lust directed towards Blair and heard the speculations that Blair was available to be fucked. Blair hadn't really believed Jim that he was being targeted; no, he'd babble on instead about Jim reading too much into the situation.
'This is just a job, man; you know, to put bread on the table. Nobody takes anybody else seriously there; you need to lighten up, Jim.'
After that, parked out of casual notice by Blair, Jim had staked out that low-life scumbag gathering-hole by dialing up his vision and had watched the jackals circling and sometimes he had seen Blair being pulled down onto men's and women's laps. He'd seen Blair getting his ass and nipples pinched and his cock rubbed through his jeans; although, to be fair to Blair, Jim acknowledged that his lover had moved away quickly from the fucking jackals, still laughing at the behavior Blair must have considered harmless. At least Jim had hoped, at the time, that the laughter had been at the customers' impudence and not from the pleasure of feeling wanted by so many others. Since then, Jim had replayed his observations of Blair working the bar crowd for a long time after Blair left and now, he knew that Blair hadn't been capable of making the kind of commitment Jim needed; flirting had been Blair's way of meeting his own cravings for newer pastures.
He never should have succumbed to the sweet seduction Blair had snared him with, not after holding out all those years. His better sense had just gone on vacation when Blair had acted the shy little virgin with him, holding his hand and blushingly telling Jim that he wanted to be more than friends. Hell, he had wanted to fuck the kid the first afternoon after meeting him in his office at Rainier; even now the sense memory of shoving Blair up against that wall, lifting him off his feet, and pushing his leg between Blair's thighs could get him hard again. Blair was sexy, and cute; he just naturally attracted people when he smiled at them.
And that was another reason Jim hated this damn trip. He didn't want to remember why he had fallen in love with his guide all those years ago. Soon after meeting Blair, when Blair had asked him to eavesdrop on a TA who'd flirted with Blair; she had confidingly told her friend that Blair was adorable. Jim had had to agree with her – Blair had been adorable, and energetic, and sweet, and cheerful, and smart; and he'd looked out for Jim. He had been willing to take the fall for Jim even back when they had just met. After all, Sandburg had diverted attention away from Jim by saying Blair had tasted the mud on the toothpick during the Brackett case, even though it had garnered the kid some strange looks.
They should have just stayed friends. He'd hated it when Blair had been involved with sexual partners, but he could have kept handling Blair's fucking other people if they hadn't become lovers, too. And Jim was not into sharing. He was, however, into being able to trust your partner, and Blair kept too many secrets from Jim. Some of them had come out during the Edwards murder investigation. Jim'd had no idea that Blair had filed a grievance against Marie Edwards till the guy who took over for her had mentioned it during the investigation. He showed the police the form letter Blair had filled out and described how Sandburg had come into the office, ranting and raving about what a bitch Dr. Edwards was and how he'd get even with her, after his grievance had been dropped as unfounded by the university committee. They had also been shown the letter Dr. Edwards had sent to Blair's prospective employers that had slammed him six ways to Sunday; it had given additional credibility for Blair's motive to kill her.
Not that Jim thought for a minute that Blair had killed the chancellor. He knew Blair wouldn't have done anything to hurt the woman just because of her vindictiveness. Hell - the damn stubborn kid wouldn't even sue the bastards for the mishandling of his dissertation release.
No, he had no real concerns about having to arrest Sandburg; but since Jim was forced to relive ancient history with his ex-lover, especially the miserable end to their friendship, he figured Sandburg could suffer also. Let Sandburg worry what this was all about. Let him stew over whether or not Jim would be coming to interrogate him not just about Edward's death, but also to give him hell over leaving the way he did. Blair knew Jim's opinion of the kid's past in-it-for-the-sex-only flings; Blair wanting that again without even discussing it with Jim was something Blair must know Jim would give him grief over. Jim was just giving tit for tat, after all, or serving back 'Karma' on his partner.
Jim snorted to himself. His opinion about Blair's possible guilt didn't matter one whit. Sandburg had to officially answer some pointed questions concerning the evidence that had raised questions about Sandburg's connection to the woman's death.
And that was another reason he hated this trip. He was going to have to use his sentinel skills when he questioned Blair to determine if he was lying; his sentinel skills, that Jim mostly kept dialed down to normal and rarely ever used any more. A sentinel needed a guide, he'd come to understand, to set the baseline for his senses and to keep them grounded. Blair, by chance more than design - the kid didn't really know anymore than Jim did about how the guide/sentinel thing worked - had by his very presence in Jim's life helped Jim keep control.
Even now, with Blair gone for a year, Jim kept the bedding Blair had slept on in a plastic bag and sporadically would open it to smell Blair's scent. He would listen to the answering machine with Blair's voice on it and feel his jangled nerves being soothed to a manageable level. He had some of Blair's hair from a forgotten brush and he would wind it around his fingers and run it across his lips. He felt pathetic doing all of that but he would feel better afterwards, till the hunger for his guide's body would start to overwhelm him again.
Blair had written in his Dear Jim letter he'd come to the realization he wasn't the right guide or lover for Jim, and he was leaving so that Jim could be happy and could work on finding a better guide. That was a pile of self-serving rubbish with which Blair was deluding himself. Jim knew without a doubt Blair had left because the kid was tired of being tied down to one lover, and his new man had offered Sandburg an opportunity for a better job - one probably involving bartering his body for gain in some way. After all, he'd shown up at the bar, in that prostitution and gun smuggling case Jim and Melissa had been infiltrating, for an interview to become one of the high-class hookers.
Holding onto his temper with difficulty when he'd seen Blair in the bar, charming the manager/pimp, Jim had decided he'd have it out with Blair at home and finally lay down the law about Blair's inclination to use his body to gain employment. Jim couldn't afford to blow the case by talking to Blair there; instead, his arm around Melissa's shoulders, he'd sent him a message on a napkin, asking his partner if he would do a threesome with Jim and his woman tomorrow afternoon. Jim had figured that was so outrageous Blair would know the invitation was a sham. Jim had raised his drink at Blair when he'd read the message; Blair had looked at him with shock as he'd recognized Jim, then puzzlement, so much hurt bewilderment on his face that the manager interviewing him had grabbed the note to see for himself what was going on between his prospective hooker and his possible business partners. Then Blair's expression had cleared with understanding and he had given a nod back to Jim.
Blair had left then, and Jim had never seen him again. Jim had trusted Blair to trust him, at least enough to wait for an explanation. Instead, his lover had cut his losses and run. 'Detach with love,' his ass. 'When it's time to prove your trust in your partner, then it's time to run' should be the Sandburg family motto instead. Blair had done Naomi proud by the way he'd skedaddled out of town.
Oh, he'd pieced together from Simon that Blair had at first figured correctly that Jim was undercover, but when Simon denied Jim was working on a case - not Simon's fault as he hadn't known at the time what Jim and Melissa were doing - Blair's apparently fragile trust in Jim took a nosedive. Too bad he hadn't trusted Jim enough to talk to him about what he'd seen. But he apparently was going to be leaving Jim soon anyway; Jim had questioned Blair's fellow workers at The Meeting Place and had been told Blair'd been having a number of intense discussions with a man who wanted Blair to move away for a sweeter deal.
Blair's lack of trust in Jim had finally gotten his name added to the Ellison Hall of Betrayers.
He hated this trip. He'd be at the Sweetwater Police Station tomorrow morning, to get some answers from the elusive Mr. Sandburg. When the investigation into the Edwards murder had turned Sandburg's way, they hadn't been able to identify his location. Naomi had been contacted through her old publishing house boyfriend, who she kept in touch with in case Blair had changed his mind about publishing his book, and she hadn't talked to her son for months. Tracking him by his social security number showed a spotty work record. Just like in Cascade, Blair would get restless and quit a job sometimes only days after starting it. And there was nothing for the last four months that was a legitimate job.
Blair had turned into a drifter; Jim suspected he was bed-hopping from one lover to the next and traveling wherever his meal ticket was headed. And that was another reason Jim hated this trip; he tried not to think about how Blair had gone from a gifted researcher and teacher to little more than a bum crisscrossing the country, apparently directionless and unable to hold down a job. Jim felt a load of guilt that Blair's denial of his sentinel research had set the kid on this rocky road. He hadn't asked Blair to cut his own throat like that, but there was no denying Blair had committed professional hara-kiri out of love and concern for Jim. The love and concern that Jim should have kept on the friendship level rather than accepting Blair's invitation to add sexual closeness to their companionship. He should have known better than to trust that Blair could handle the additional emotional intimacy.
Jim looked at his watch and swore softly to himself. He had hours to drive yet today before he could stop and get a motel room in the town before Sweetwater. He'd checked his voice mail messages earlier and had called the Sweetwater P.D. to check in with them. Tomorrow would be a bitch of a day. He'd have to separate his emotions from his job, just like he'd discussed with Blair years ago, in order to be able to work effectively.
He watched the rain running across his windshield; it was hard to keep his mind on anything other than speculating on what would happen when he saw Blair again. And try as he might, his thoughts kept circling again and again in his head, like a plane that couldn't get clearance for landing, of why he hated this god-awful trip.
~oo~oo~oo~oo~
xxx
Continued in A Fair Distance. Running on Empty. Chapter Six