Would things be easier if I were a man? After all, I'm not really accepted as a woman anymore. But I don't really want to be a man. I can't help that I am very attracted to one, but in general, woman are just nicer. With the exception of His Majesty, women are generally prettier and more poised than men. Not to mention they smell better. There is an art form to the ways of women which are simply out of the grasp of men—though I admit I make a better woman than a lot of women do themselves! They don't have to prove themselves quite like men, and they're expected to provide tenderness. Not necessarily protection or anything like that.
It's not as if I don't know how to be a man. I just don't feel like it, that's all.
Besides, if I were more like a man, they might have a problem with Houki visiting me over here. And I wouldn't want that! I'm glad she still sees me as a woman. I hope that doesn't change. I suppose we're just fine being something like sisters so I can look after her like that.
Oh, and then there's Miaka to think about. We didn't have much of a chance to interact before she left and after she found out about me. How will she think of me when she returns? I think I'm still a little ticked off about her mirror clone spoiling my secret I had been keeping so well, but Miaka sure took care of her, didn't she? That was pretty remarkable, though! I wouldn't have thought a little girl like her had it in her to try to kill herself to save her friends!
When we were losing her, I remember feeling like I wasn't really there. My mind was clear, but it's like I believed it wasn't really happening. She couldn't really have been dying. She couldn't really have still been bleeding. I knew it because I saw it happening, but I think I was only calm because I felt so removed from it. It wasn't until I had a quiet moment after she left that I found myself shaking and thinking, "what if?"
It's those moments that sap me of my strength. Even thinking back to it right now makes me feel like I can't even get out of bed, and yet my mind keeps telling that it never really happened. Miaka never really happened. Even meeting His Majesty face to face never really happened. But here I am, in the imperial residence. It happened.
Well, I'm good at forgetting things I don't feel like thinking about. Yesterday never really happened either as far as I'm concerned.
See? Tamahome was still in a daze as usual. Wondering about Miaka, no doubt. Today I caught him gnawing on a plate, so he must be getting worse.
His Majesty seemed just as graceful as ever. Last night? Apparently it didn't exist to him either.
Oh, but there was one good thing Houki had to hear about. I had told her to meet me for lunch, and I strummed my fingers eagerly on my table waiting for her, thinking the better of it after I noticed the dents in the wood. Better to go and find her and scold her for being so late. She couldn't have gotten lost, could she? Or was she sick? I had to go to the harem quarters right away to find out.
It started as just a worried stroll, but my feet started moving faster and faster. Soon I was sprinting all the way there, flowing robes and everything. Something was telling me I wanted to get there right away. She was probably fine, but—
And then I saw it. She was standing there with a flustered look on her face, surrounded by two guards standing so close that they must have been breathing down her neck.
Before I knew it, I had grabbed them both by the backs of their collars and threw them over the veranda, yelling at them to stay away from her and to know better than to attack a harem woman. "Kourin, please!" she tugged at my arm with a chastising tone. "They were only telling me which way to go."
"Did you not understand that?" I snapped back. "They were staring you down like wolves. Like pigs! You can't let men be so close to you!"
"I can't help that I was lost," she replied firmly. "I haven't been through here by myself."
"Then let's help that," I took her hand behind me and started tugging her along. "You need a more thorough tour. If they know that you're someone important to me, no one will give you any trouble for wandering around here sometimes. But if you let yourself get involved with any more men—"
"Who is to say that I was involved, Kourin?" she took her hand back forcefully. "Don't be so quick to assume things."
Hasn't that always been my line, I wondered. "You just don't understand how men think."
"And I suppose you do?"
Well, I suppose I should. I was just having some trouble figuring out exactly what I was thinking. My face was getting terribly hot and I didn't want to know why. It's because I care about her like a sister and I was angry, I told myself. And told myself again. She was important to me, but the sister thing was making my stomach turn. "Our lunch must be getting cold. Come on, I ordered your favorites."
Apart from me pointing out which walkways she needed to remember, we were rather quiet on the way back to my room. But once we arrived and she graciously thanked me for the food, and I teased her about being so excited for her favorites dishes, we lightened up a bit. It was helping settle my nerves a bit, too. I didn't dare tell her everything that was on my mind, as usual, but I knew she would at least find my late night escapades with His Majesty amusing. She did like hearing about him, after all.
"Oh, how I would have loved to have seen his face," she laughed and covered her smile with her sleeve as she did so.
"You would love to see his face at any moment, wouldn't you?"
"Yes, I would be terribly jealous of you, Kourin, if not for how poorly your pursuit of him is working out!"
We laughed more together. "Oh, that's right—I brought up your idea at the meeting!"
"Idea?" she paused.
"For keeping an eye on Kutou. They're looking into it right now. It was so exciting, I wish you could have been there! They took it so seriously!"
"I meant it seriously," she looked flattered. "After all, I'm worried about my family out there, so I wish we'd have more information."
"Don't worry. Miaka will come back and we'll summon Suzaku and then there won't even be a war to worry about."
"I'm comforted to hear you say so."
"Anyway, I have more good news for you. I made sure not to take the credit for your idea."
Her face flushed pink. "You told them about me?"
"I told His Majesty about you in private. Well, he didn't give me a chance to leave your name, but…"
"Oh my," she said as turned a deeper pink.
"You have to stop being so passive! Let's arrange a day for you to walk up and introduce yourself to him!"
"Kourin!"
"It worked for me, did it not?"
"I'm not so brazen as to march up to him directly! Even being outside of the harem quarters has me on edge."
"Tsk tsk tsk, you can't let rules hold you back. It'll be fine, just leave it to me! Let's see, I'll pick out the best dress for you to wear, and—"
"I'm not going to force this," said Houki firmly. "Becoming the empress is not a contest. My duty is only to there for him if he so chooses."
"But you've been waiting so long already—don't you want a chance to love again?"
"My romantic life is none of your concern."
You don't seem concerned about it enough! I mentally retorted. "All I want is for you to be happy, that's all. And for His Majesty's happiness, of course. I think meeting you would be one of the best things to ever happen to him." If he weren't so preoccupied with having met Miaka, that is.
"And what about you, Kourin?" she stared back at me. Her hand moved on top of mine—a move I wasn't used to, because I was always the one taking her hands, hugging her shoulders, putting my head against hers. She leaned in and continued. "Who is going to make you happy?"
Stop! I found myself thinking. Don't be so close!
"I care about you too, Kourin."
Stop! You don't care about me like that!
Shocked at my own words running through my head, I shuttered a bit. Did I mean that I wanted her to care about me like that? His Majesty is the one she should care about. That's what I want.
"Kourin?"
At the sound of my name I looked back at her as she peered up into my face, one that almost mirrored her own. Still, mine can't even compare to her natural grace, her sincerity. I loved that about her, and I almost didn't want to share it.
To be perfectly honest, I didn't want to share it at all, not even with the emperor.
I pulled out of her touch and turned my face away from her so she couldn't see how hard I was trying to hide my thoughts. "You don't have to worry about me."
"Kourin, you're shaking. Are you alright?" she put a hand out to touch my arm, but I flinched away, which caused her to recoil in surprise.
"Maybe I'm coming down with something," I lied.
"Lie down, then. I'll take care of you," she changed her tone and immediately started pouring water onto a cloth to dab against a sick person's forehead.
"No, don't," I responded. "I wouldn't want you to catch anything. Do you think you can find your way back from here?"
"From here, probably," she replied. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I probably just need to sleep."
"Do you need—"
"Just go, Houki."
This can't be happening. I'm gay. I need to hurry up and set the two people I care about most up with each other so that I can stop feeling so bothered by everything.