To feel a little bit more like my usual feminine self, I invited Houki over for lunch. We could giggle in person together, and brush each others' hair and gossip. I felt nervous just sitting and waiting for her, but thankfully she arrived on her own just fine this time, and when she did we greeted each other like the friends we were—I didn't think of anything strange at all.
It was good hearing about the usual petty drama of the harem. I missed the influence I had there, and naturally wondered how the other girls were fairing. I told her that Tamahome left to go make money and admitted that the side of the palace I lived on now would be less lively without him.
"I wonder when you'll get to meet the rest of your Suzaku brethren," she smiled. "Judging by those of you who have already gathered, they could be quite the collection of people."
"Seeing how attractive a couple of us already are, it gives me high hopes," I gave her a wide smile. "Who knows, this might be my new chance at romance!"
"Or they could be a bunch of smelly men."
"If that were the case, I could just send you in my place and I could stay here and stay clean!"
"Oh, you wouldn't," she joked back.
"Well, if I ever have to go anywhere else with them, someone is going to have to take my place here and comfort His Majesty!"
"That again," she laughed.
"It's not a joke. I'm serious—let's arrange for you to meet him. Even if you don't want to rush him, I'm sure you still want to see more of this man that you've told yourself you're going to love!"
"I'm already prepared should he want me," she dismissed my suggestion.
"Isn't that strange at all to you? To love someone without really knowing them?"
"That is my role as a member of the imperial harem, Kourin. I am fine with it."
"But that's not love! It happens when you least expect it!"
"I'm glad you've been able to experience spontaneous love, but if it never blossoms for me, that is fine. I am still prepared to provide whatever care the emperor wishes."
"You make it sound like such hard work. I have duties as a Suzaku warrior, but I at least care a little bit about my priestess, which makes everything a lot easier for everyone. You wouldn't just become someone's wife out of responsibility, Houki—you, and His Majesty, and Miaka and me—we're not just responsible to each other, we're real people with real feelings."
"It's awfully strange to hear you talk about responsibility when you're the one feeling so responsible for someone that you have to take on her own identity!"
Now that made me mad. So mad that I couldn't speak for a moment and could only stare her down. Her face melted into shock-she knew she stepped over a dangerous line, and stepped back from me cautiously, watching my expression in horror.
The way her eyes glinted in fear, the way she quivered, the way her hands reached up around herself to try to cover herself from her own shame. I felt sick to know I caused her to act that way, but I was too angry with her for pretending that she knew me better than I knew myself. No matter how close you may think you are to someone, there are some places you invite yourself into. I should never have told her anything about Kourin in the first place if it led her to assume so much. She knows nothing about Kourin! And to be so brazen as to say that I'm feeling unnecessarily responsible for her?
Did it ever occur to her that I am responsible?
I clenched my teeth and my lips shook with anger, and I could even feel my hand rising in the air over her to slap her. She closed her eyes tightly and braced herself—don't act that way, Houki! Don't make me feel like I'm doing something terrible to you—it's your fault I'm like this! It's your fault for prying in where you don't belong!
I didn't want to act this way. This isn't what I wanted to do to Houki. This isn't what I wanted to happen to myself.
I threw my hand down at my side, then turned around and ran out the door. Ran out of the hall, ran out into the garden, at least as far into the trees so that I could hide myself. My vision was blurry and my head was hot with tears, and I could hear my annoying whining sound as I started to wail. Why did Houki think she could bring that up? Why did she have to go there? Kourin is a part of me. And now that she's gone, I'm gone too—so what! What should it matter who I was before? A boy who liked to beat people up if they bothered my brother and sister, a boy who liked to feel strong and admired as a caretaker, a boy who was always with his most precious treasure in the world?
A boy whose fault it is she's gone!
I sunk to my knees and cried so indecently that couldn't even care about dirt on my dress or blurred make-up or tossed hair. People had told me for years on end how the accident wasn't my fault, and how I shouldn't blame myself. But I was there, and even though I was always so sure I could protect her, I didn't. I couldn't even keep my own little Kourin safe, how could I expect to ever protect a priestess?
I probably only tried to help that caterpillar because I'm still just trying to make up for how much I failed. And I couldn't even do that. Even for my hands being so strong, how does everyone still slip through?
Who am I kidding? I still want to protect Miaka. I want her to be here so that I can protect her, just like His Majesty does! And I want to protect him and Tamahome from whatever will happen when she comes back. But I'm afraid to admit what I really want because I'm afraid I'll fail again. What will happen to them when I fail again? I know what will happen, because it already has happened to someone.
I couldn't forgive the stupid brother who let that happen to her, so I made him go away. That was the only way Kourin could still be here. And if Nuriko should fail, he should just stay away too.
This is why you shouldn't bring things like this up, Houki! This is what it does to people! I don't like being this way. Responsible or not, all I know is that I'm not man enough to own up to my own shortcomings!
And after all this crying, I'm certainly not ladylike enough to go back inside looking like this.