Disclaimer: SM owns all that is Twilight. No copyright infringement intended. I just like to play with the ever so yummy Jasper.

My Love, Once More

Part Two

August - Jasper's POV

Silence!

The silence was a blessing to my screaming soul and bleeding heart. The silence was a world that I could live in and never have to hear the bad things in life that wanted to bring me down. The silence was my beautiful haven where everything was right in my life.

When I finally came out of my make believe world, I realized how loud everything suddenly seemed: Alice's sobbing, the river rushing over the rocks in its path, the birds calling out to the day, the different animals that were scurrying around the trees, and the wind blowing in between the leaves. All of these noises were a reminder that my world was crumbling before my very feet. My breathing was erratic. All I wanted was to wake up from my living nightmare.

Alice had to be mistaken. She would never break me like this. She knew my every unnecessary breath was centered on her. She knew my every action was to make her happy. She knew my every footstep led in a direction to her salvation. Alice was simply my world, I couldn't lose her.

"Alice, please tell me you are wrong – somehow you are mistaken. You know how much I need you. I know you love me," Even as I spoke, I could feel her love surrounding me. I could also feel her anger at herself for hurting me.

Silence!

"Alice, answer me, please tell me you love me!" I begged her, my pride surrendered. I could feel her resolve growing stronger and her hate for herself increase.

Silence!

"Alice, fucking answer me. I deserve an answer!" I yelled at her.

"I'm sorry, Jasper, more than you will ever know. I am not wrong. We can no longer be together. Our time is over, my love," she whispered to me. How the hell could she call me that when my life was shattering into a thousand pieces? I didn't know if I could survive without her. I didn't know if I had the strength to make myself live without her.

"How can you call me that, Alice?"

"This is my last chance to call you such a name. When you leave here you will no longer be mine."

This couldn't be the end to our love. There had to be a way to make Alice understand my need for her. There had to be a way to make her understand I didn't have the will power to go on without her. My life just didn't work without her. It seemed that she already knew that. But all of my reasons didn't seem to matter to her anymore. These and so many other thoughts raced through my already cluttered mind.

"You're wrong, Jasper. Everything you have done, said, and accomplished while we were together mattered. Everything you did to show me your love has mattered. Every touch and caress we shared meant something to me. From the first time we kissed, to the first time we held hands, to the first time we made love on a blanket under the clouded sky has meant something to me. Don't tell me your reasons don't fucking matter to me, you're the reason I'm doing this. I can't have your love anymore; it's not mine to take!" She yelled at me.

After she calmed her breathing down, she continued on a bare whisper. "Never doubt your potential, Jazz. You are an amazing person, with so many amazing qualities. You shine brighter than so many people, Jazz!" I didn't want to hear of her faith in me while continued to break me.

"Yes . . . you have your faults and shortcoming, but they help to make you into the incredible person before me. Your potential will grow and you will become even better than you are now. You have so much love to give, Jasper. Please never waste that love, always offer it to those who want it. Your love is probably the best thing about you. The love you posses can fill a person up and makes them feel like they are your entire world. The love I was able to have from you was the most incredible part of my life. It surpassed everything and everyone. It was my eternal hope and my continuous sunrise. It filled me with light on my darkest days d filled me with happiness on the best of days. That is how glorious your love is Jasper. Our journey together was beautiful. Every emotion, every hard time, every happy time, every laugh, every tear that was never shed, every touch, every caress, every 'I love you'," her voice started to crack because of the sobs she tried to withhold, "every sunrise, every sunset, every trip, and all the moments in between . . ."

She wasn't able to continue. Her sobs had won and overcame. She was crying so hard she could no longer stand. I caught her in my arms and just held on. She let the flood gates open and every emotion she had felt in the last two weeks came spilling out. I could no longer stand either. I fell to the ground with Alice still in my arms. She clung and wrapped her arms around my neck.

I realized in that moment that no matter how much I was hurting or breaking, Alice was going through worse than me. Every emotion I felt she had experienced twice, one for herself and one for the time she had lived it in her visions. I may have been feeling what she was because of my gift, but it still wasn't near her pain.

I brought my hand to her hair and started to run my fingers through it. As I continued to touch her, she started relaxing little by little. When she finally quieted down, Alice raised her head and looked at me. I could see in her eyes that she was close to leaving. She didn't want to hurt me anymore. My sprite felt enough pain had been felt in my life.

Tears started to form in my eyes. I could feel the end nearing and I never wanted to let her go. She gently touched me check.

"Remember you promised me, Jasper. You would never forget. Always! You may not believe me now or in the near future, but I'm doing this for you. You have to embrace the path that was meant for you. There is no room on that path for me as your mate and wife. But please, please try to remember, you will be happy again, trust me, my love, once more, you will," I could fill the truthfulness of her statements, but it did little to assuage me of the present pain.

She whispered once more in my ear "Everything I have done has been for you!"

As I tried to see beyond the venom in my eyes, I knew I had to try once more. I didn't want to lose her. The only path I wanted to be on was with her.

"Ali, please," I cried. "I'm nothing without you. My life doesn't make sense without you. I only feel alive when you are in my arms. Please, don't do this. Say you'll reconsider."

"I know you love me, Jasper. I have always known. It has been the hardest part of this whole situation. I knew how it was going to end. Can you imagine having to see the end of a love you centered your world on, not having to live it once but twice, and it still doesn't make any of this shit easier?"

Alice had been preparing to say goodbye to our love and our future.

"Ali, if this is about your visions –"

"It doesn't matter, Jazz. It won't change anything. The decisions have already been made and there is no turning back, my love. Now you have to go and lead the life you were always meant for. I will be pulling for you the entire time. I know you will be wonderful, everything about you is just wonderful."

Alice stepped out of my arms and looked up into the sky. I could feel her putting up the final wall. I now had to go and live my destiny that didn't include Alice as my love.

Alice took one more deep breath and came to stand in front of me. She slowly traced the outline of my jaw, and then moved to my nose, eye lids, slowly caressing my cheeks. She traced the outline of my lips before replacing her fingers with her lips. She placed her tiny hands in my hair and then stood on her tip toes. Alice started to kiss my bottom lip. She traced the outline with her tongue memorizing my taste. I opened my mouth and touch her tongue with mine. I slowly moved my lips against her full ones. She was always so sweet.

And then Alice pulled away for the last time. That had been it, the ending to our beautiful love story.

"I love you, Jazz, always, always," she wept.

"Forever, forever, my Ali," I whispered, my voice solemn.

"And remember, Jasper; never forget all that you are: so strong and beautiful, every part of you!" After the goodbye was uttered – she ran. I could feel her eventual break down and it only fueled my own even more.

I fell to the ground, sobbing for all that l had lost in the span of two unforgettable hours.

"Alice!" I screamed, "Please!" It was no use, she was gone.

Silence!

As I continued to look into the heavens, I felt the pain and anguish return. Thinking about anything these days seemed to center on her. Even when I tried not to think of her she was in the back of my mind. I loathed vampire minds and their ability to thinks about several things at once. After I had finished weeping in our spot, I got up and ran. I had no where specific in mind, I just needed to get away from her and the ghosts that continued to scream at me to return.

The next day I received a call from Peter, asking me to stay with him and Charlotte. They were living in Arizona on a ranch they purchased in the middle of nowhere. After warring with myself for all of two seconds I told Peter to expect me the following night, I had no other available options. I needed the cover of darkness to run. I wasn't going to go home and get my car, plus I wanted to feel something other than the crushing pain, I thought the wind would be a good option.

Peter and Charlotte had welcomed me with open arms. I had gone to my room that day and still hadn't surfaced. My life had become the same over the last three weeks. I'd sit by the window, thinking about Alice, sit by the window and hating Alice, sit by the window and contemplating the stars, sit by the window mourning Alice, sit by the window screaming for Alice.

It had been a continuous circle that didn't seem to have a sight in end. I didn't hunt and refused to leave what had become my only refuge. Time had ceased to exist at all and the only thing I could comprehend was my want for Alice. I knew I sounded like a petulant child who didn't get their way, but I wasn't sure how else to behave.

I thought of the things I had said to my lost love, all the truths of my heart. From the moment I met her, she became the leading force in my life. I had become totally dependent on her for everything. When she took that all away, she took everything. I felt like I was going though some kind of identity crises.

Alice was my true north and I with her I was never lost because my internal compass would lead me. Now since the directions had changed in my life, I was hopeless. I had no goals in my life; I had no dreams for the future. I had no idea what the hell I was even going to do the next second of the day. I was sinking in fucking quick sand, with no one to pull me out.

Staying with Peter and Charlotte had been somewhat of a relief and they had both been amazing throughout the ordeal. They allowed me the space and time I needed. Charlotte and Peter had understood, but even that was waning. Within the second week of my doing nothing, Peter started to get agitated with me. I could feel his emotions of anger and sadness on my part, but he also felt I needed to start taking care of myself. He and Charlotte were never ones to sit still for long and figured I was built like them. I was to an extent, but I needed some time to live in my head and come to grip with situations that were highly emotional for me. I needed to learn to accept Alice's decision and try and respect her wishes. She had the hardest part of this break up. The least I could do was give to her the time and space she needed.

Peter's path towards my bedroom ripped me from my suffering and self-loathing thoughts. I took in his emotional climate and knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant visit. I could feel his determination to accomplish what he set out to do. All I had was a second to prepare before he started in on me. Peter knocked on the door then stuck his head in.

"What the fuck do you want, Peter. I'm in the middle of something," I snapped. If he wanted a fight I was more than willing.

"The only thing I can see you are busy doing is taking up space in my fucking house," I hated when he was right. It rankled like no other. "Look, brother, we understand that you are hurting and Alice was your life, but you need to start taking care of yourself," he said, his voice softened.

"When was the last time you hunted?" I gave him a noncommittal shrug, and I could feel his attitude immediately change to anger again. "When was the last time you got your ass up from that window and looked at yourself in the mirror? You look like shit, man. You need to go hunt." Peter was right but that didn't mean I was going to give into him that quickly.

"You have no fucking idea what I am going through. You still have Charlotte. You never had to live through the pain of your mate telling you that what you had was over. So until you have an inkling of what I feel, you'd do well to shut up. You don't understand a damn thing." He hadn't deserve my anger, but he was here and an available outlet. I wanted him to feel as I had, I wanted anyone to feel like I had. He had a purpose in his life, and I had nothing.

"Boo fucking hoo," he spoke in a scathing voice "Poor, little Jasper, his wife left him and he has nothing else to live for. No one else has ever had to suffer some loss in their life. They would never understand the pain he is living through. He doesn't deserve what is happening to him. Hasn't anyone ever told you life isn't fair? I know that shit is cliché, but it's true. I know you are hurting right now and I am a convenient target, but it's time to man-up, Jasper. Stop sitting in this room crying like a little bitch. There are a lot of people in this world who have it a whole lot harder than you. At least there is your family to shower you with love," and with that reminder, he put the first crack in my armor.

"Esme and Carlisle have been calling non-stop to make sure you are at least doing okay. Esme cries to Charlotte on the phone about the kind of pain you must be in and the hard time you are having. All she ever does is worry about you." The second crack was made on the already weak protection.

"You have money in the bank and never have to worry about health or where your next meal is going to come from. You have a roof over head and friends who care. This may not be the easiest time in your life and it may not be what you asked for, but it happened and now it's time to deal with your shit. Stop trying to hide from the problems and confront them like a fucking man." I had all of those blessings that he had listed in my life, yet I still didn't have that defining thing that would anchor me to my pitiful existence.

I wondered if Peter knew what was taking place in my head because he simply scoffed at my lack of an answer, "At least get your ass out there and hunt. You haven't hunted since you've been here. You are more than accustomed with how dangerous that shit can be, even better than me." Peter was once again right. I knew my family was worried about me and I didn't have the type of problems other had to bear in life, but I was still hurting. I wanted some time to mourn my situation.

"Look, man, your right," I finally stated and weathered the smirk on his smug face, "but I still need time to deal with this. I just feel very lost right now. I feel like my life as no meaning and I'm just floundering. Give me some time to get my shit in order. Do you think you can do that?"

"Sure, brother, but you need to get your lazy ass out of this house and go hunting. You have until the time Charlotte and I get back. We are about to leave to go hunting in Phoenix. If we return to see you still haven't hunted, I will not stop Charlotte from kicking your sorry ass. I already had to stop her from coming right now. She's had to listen to Esme cry and listen to the grief she is feeling for her son, because you were too busy and 'in the middle of something' to even talk to your supposed mother. Be glad it was me and not Char in here at the moment." I could appreciate that truth.

"Remember, bitch, go hunting!" I rolled my eyes at his term of endearment but quickly remembered his vampire of a wife. I didn't want to deal with an angry Charlotte (couldn't stop the shudders). It was time to go hunting.

As I thought about eating and how long it had been, the back of my throat instantly flared and fired scorched my neck like no one's business. The last time I had hunted couldn't come to my mind or the last time I was in such pain from lack of nourishment. Peter was right and that sort of negligence was asking for unwarranted trouble.

"Thanks, Peter," I said in all honesty. "I appreciate the concern and reminder. I promise to go hunting tonight. My throat feels like it is about to fall off." I rubbed my flesh knowing it would have no affect on the pain. "Thanks for the ass-kicking, but more importantly, for not letting your wife have that pleasure." He couldn't help but chuckle.

"No problem, man. I'll see you when I get back. And, Jasper, you are stronger than you know. Your life has been hard and filled with a lot of heartache, but when the times really count, you are strong, just remember that. You are my brother and no matter what happens, I'll always be there for you." I was always certain he would be there. He proved it to me time and time again.

"I know, brother, now get the hell out of here, before your wife comes up here, and tell her thank you for everything."

"Well do. See you later." The door closed gently behind him.

After I heard Peter and Charlotte leave, I took one more look out the window and headed for the mirror over the dresser. What I saw scared the hell out of me. I hadn't hunted in three weeks and the effects of that decision were more than apparent. My eyes were the blackest I had ever seen them. My cheeks were sunken in and sallow. I had absolutely no color in my skin whatsoever. The little bit I had even retained was nonexistent. The bruises under my eyes looked like Charlotte had already gotten to me. I looked like a walking corpse. I needed to hunt and that had been yesterday.

My behavior was inexcusable. I knew firsthand how dangerous and precarious my situation was. After taking one more look in the mirror, I ran out of the house and into the night. I took off running to the north to the mountain in search of some big game. Mountains lion had sounded beyond heaven. Thirty minute passed before I started to pick up the trail of a big cat in the area. My throat flamed terribly. After another five minutes I found the animal and immediately snapped its neck. Draining it had taken less time than disposing of its carcass. I did, however, feel better. My thirst was nowhere near under control or sated, but there was no doubt that I had felt better.

Another fifteen minutes passed of me running to the west before I came upon another scent of a lion; my throat started to flare once again, I wanted the burn to cease. I was not too far off the trail when I was hit with a scent that made me stop, completely. My mouth immediately started to pool with venom. My senses grew more alert and my mind went into even more of a predator mode, looking for its prey. Just breathing in the scent, had me swallowing all the extra venom my mouth couldn't contain. In that moment I needed that scent above all else. I needed to feel that warm blood oozing into my mouth and giving my body the nourishment it cried for. I started running in the direction of that most delectable scent, the smell of fresh freesia.

Author's Notes: If there are still mistakes, please tell me and I'll fix them. No matter how many times I preview a chapter there always seems to be one that eludes me. I appreciate the help. Hope all is well. Much loves as always.

Posted: 24 April 2010

Edited: 24 January 2011