Disclaimer: SM owns all that is Twilight. No copyright infringement intended. I just like to play with the ever so yummy Jasper.
Not the Angel
Part Three
September - Jasper's POV
I wasn't far now.
My mouth almost leaked venom with the salivating thought of that scrumptious blood. When I was about a thousand feet away from my prey I could see the prone figure lying on the ground. I already knew it was a human because nothing had that sharp, unique smell; it was no surprise for me. As I got closer I could to the woman – her smell was that of a female – it was apparent she was lost to be lost. Her clothes were torn and she had scratches on her legs and arms. She had crawled a ways; the marks were still scraped into the ground. My meal had wrapped herself into the fetal position and was unmoving on her left side.
Something seemed to favor my plight. Even as this thought passed through my hungry brain, I knew even entertaining the idea was wrong. I couldn't seem to help myself. There were no excuses for what I was about to do. I had now been taught about the sanctity of human life, even if I hadn't been given that lesson at the time of my change. Alice and Carlisle had taught me to feed from animals. These lessons were all known, but I just didn't seem to care. The blood was too fragrant and I was too hungry.
Carlisle and Esme being upset was a given, but they would eventually forgive me. I knew Alice would be disappointed also, but she didn't care about me enough to stay. She had let me go and all I wanted was her by my side. There was nothing now to be done, she had made her decision and I was about to make mine.
As I got closer, I could see that the woman was smaller than I had anticipated. Her long brown, thick hair hung to about the middle of her back in knots. Her face wasn't visible because it was covered by her tresses. She still hadn't moved and I knew she was asleep, her deep breathing and occasional sobs gave that much away. It was a good thing because she wouldn't have to feel me ending her life and I wouldn't have to feel her terror and fright from what I was about to do.
I walked closer to the slightly shuddering person. I took in a deep breath and savored the scent. The smell of salt on her face from where she must have cried earlier lingered in the air around her. Pieces of cactus and twigs were entwined in her hair. It was obvious how she got the scratches on her arms and legs that had already crusted over with her blood.
When I knelt down by her, I could see she even closer, she was a bird of a thing: so small. Because of her small saturate, the blood she had flowing in her veins wouldn't have sated my thirst, but it would go a hell of a long way in stopping the burn in the back of my throat. My hand moved to her messed hair and was stopped by the feeling of it. Her mane, despite the tangles and bits of debris, was the smoothest of silks. I relaxed my fingers and allowed it to run from the crown of her head to the middle of her back. I wasn't sure of my motions or why I had even entertained playing with my food. I wondered if her fallen state played with the little bit of humanity that seemed to still reside in my broken life. But even that humanity didn't seem to save her life. I was, perhaps, giving her the last comfort she would ever receive. I moved her hair to the side to get a better angle on her neck. As I brought my mouth closer and allowed my teeth to show, she finally decided to call out.
"Daddy, is that you?" she asked in her raspy voice. I immediately stopped. At that moment, of hearing her young voice, I realized what I had known all along: I was a worthless piece of shit.
My one fucking rule I always had throughout all my existence and in all the battles I fought was never touch a child. Children were pure and innocent. They should never have to see the problems and bad things of this world. They should always be kept safe and protected. It was really the only rule I had for myself. I never really, before the Cullen's, had to live a life of restraint so it had been of no consequence while I fought in battles and more especially when I lived with the Cullen's. It was a line never to be crossed.
Here I was, finally at the end of my existence, bent over an innocent, ready to take her life because I was so fucking weak and had made excuses. I was beyond repulsed with myself. I had wanted nothing more in that moment than to stop being. The temptations to take a child's life or even thirst for one had never occurred and here I was ready to feed from her because my life was shit and felt I deserved something that was forbidden. How could I ensure such a notion?
I ran from the little girl, over to the nearby boulder and started to dry heave. I wanted to rid myself of the thoughts that had plagued me about her blood. I wanted to rid myself of the evil that was inside me. I wanted to rid myself of the monster I truly was. I wanted to rid myself of the pain and anguish I had felt since Alice had left me. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to live anymore. I had sunk so low; I had convinced myself it was okay to feed from a child. It was more than apparent why I wasn't equipped of other's love and why Alice didn't want me anymore. She finally came to her senses and realized the type of creature I truly was.
I continued to heave, trying to purge out the ugliness. I continued to hurt for what I had almost done. I began to realize what I could have done and the real damage I almost caused. For the first time in about a month I had thought of someone else and their well being. It was more than clear that my life wasn't the only one in a mess and my brother had been correct in his scolding. I also wasn't solely focused on my own pain and heart ache. The thought of the poor child and how she came to be lost in the middle of nowhere plagued me.
"Excuse me sir," I heard the child say in her raspy, yet intriguing voice. I had been captured from her first call out to her father without even realizing.
She must have woken up with the loud noises I made. I felt in that moment like a deer caught in the head lights, but also came to the comprehension that I was at a crossroad in my life. This was going to be one of the defining moments of my existence; the air seemed to crackle with the importance.
My control had always been an issue. For years, I had struggled with trying to maintain my thirst. Coming to rely on Alice to warn me off before I was tempted. Then Edward had joined in on the crusade and my warning system had been doubled. I had let them take over and I took a backseat. The responsibility I should have taken from the beginning was now in their control. Of course, when I slipped up they had taken some of the blame upon themselves, and I knew that wasn't fair. I should have never relied on them to control me and my hunger. I should have never gone along with the status quo. My thirst was my responsibility and my problem. The slip-ups were my sole reliability. My resistance for controlling myself was therefore now low and Alice or Edward wasn't here to protect me. I didn't even have their warning.
I slowly turned around and was stunned into inaction. Her eyes captured me unsuspected. She had the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen. Her shade of brown seemed completely unique. It was as if the color was just made for her. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't look away from her gaze. She seemed to be reading my soul and finding all of the horrible things I had done in the past. She seemed to see all of my pain and agony I had felt and all of the depression I lived through. Her eyes were too young to have witnessed the things I had seen. I would never want her to witness the things I had. Her innocence should have been protected at all costs.
When she was done peering into my soul, she looked down as if trying to come to terms with what she had found. Nothing had ever struck me so closely or pierced me so deeply. Amazingly, I didn't feel any fear coming from her. All I felt was pure concern and sadness from the little one. I wondered what she was thinking and how she had even had such a talent. Something needed to be said, but my mind seemed to be blank.
I took in a deep breath, trying to clear my mind and emotions that were clogged in my chest. Immediately I knew that to be a mistake, my throat flared with her scent. My mind started to lose control again and but I put a stop to it in haste. My being a piece of shit was clear, having created so much tragedy, but I refused to add the murder of a child to the long list. With slime resolve in place, I decided to say something. Somehow she needed to get to safety and far away from the demon she had seen into.
The child looked up, and again I was hit by intense emotions. It amazed me that someone so young and fragile could feel such powerful things. She blinked several times, trying to rid herself of the tears that were gathering in her eyes. A couple slipped over the rims and slid down her cheeks. Her gaze became magnified because of all the water that was gathered.
"Are you an angel?" she whispered to me, sad curiosity filling her voice. I was nowhere near said angel. The sins I had committed in my life didn't qualify me for such a title.
"No sweet heart, I'm not an angel. Why do you ask?" I was inquisitive as to how she'd come to that conclusion.
"Well," she started to say then blushed. I immediately stopped breathing. Her smell became intense to my hungry yearning. "I thought that I finally died because I have been lost for a while, a-and you are really be-beautiful," she hid her face from me as she finished her answer with a stutter. I couldn't help but laugh. This little loveliness thought I was beautiful; if she only knew what I truly was.
"No sweetheart, I'm not beautiful. I'm far from it. You, on the other hand, are very beautiful. You have the true beauty," I told her honestly.
"Thank you," she said under her breath. She picked up her head and looked at me. Her cheeks were still tinged pink.
"Are you sure you're not an angel? You looked sad before," her voice sounded too young to be so observant. She noticed things quickly.
"Why do you still think I'm an angel?" she thought over my question while searching my face.
"Well I thought you might have been sad because you had to take me away from the earth and my parents, and you didn't want to. You reminded me of someone to TV. But then you are too pretty to even be an angel," she turned red again from her comment. I really tried not to laugh, but she was just too funny and inquisitive.
"I promise I'm not an angel. My brother and I watch a lot of sports on TV," I changed the subject, wanting to ease her embarrassment. The need to protect started to manifest.
"My dad does too. I just think he watches too much. He might be addicted. I think he was sad that I really showed no interest in sports. I like to read a lot," she was really forthcoming about her life.
"I like to watch sports, but I also like to read. I love history books and sometimes I read my father's medical journals."
"Your dad's a doctor!" I could feel her amazement. "He must be really, really smart. I don't think I could be one because I don't like blood. It makes me sick." I wish it had that same effect on me. As I ran out of air, I took another quick breath so she wouldn't notice and continued talking to her.
"Yes, he is really smart. He is also very kind and loves children. He would think you were beautiful," she showed me what I now knew to be her customary blush because of my comment and looked adorable. She was feeling embarrassed once again.
"Thanks," she whispered. "My dad is a cop and my mom Renée is . . . well I'm not really sure." Her confusion over took her embarrassment. "She likes to try all sorts of things and doesn't really like to commit to anything. She would probably be a hippie in another lifetime." I laughed because that shit was funny. The child really knew how to make someone laugh with her honesty and innocence.
"My mom likes to decorate things and she loves to garden. She loves everything and mostly everyone. She has a very kind soul and would never try to hurt anything, and she is beautiful both inside and out. You would probably think she was an angel if you saw her and you'd be pretty close in your assumption." She was starting to calm down with all the talking and the immense sadness she had felt earlier started to slowly abate. For some reason I couldn't define, I didn't want her to feel any sadness. This little girl had already stolen my heart unknowingly to us both, and I barely knew her.
"Your mom sounds just wonderful," her voice filled with awe. "You are really lucky," that was a painful truth which was becoming more obvious by the minute.
I felt like shit because of the way I had been treating Esme lately. Being the center of attention in my family always caused me to become uncomfortable. I never wanted such attention focused on me. However, I stilled loved them. Esme had always been wonderful, making sure I fit in and loving me unconditionally. I was pretty damn lucky to have her, and I was going to call her when I made sure this little one was alright and back to safety.
"I am pretty fortunate, little one. I have a wonderful mother who loves me, but I've been terrible toward her lately." The child looked sad again at my admission.
"Why have you been terrible toward her? You looked sad earlier, is it because of that?" She was too smart.
"Yes it has to do with my sadness, but regardless of the matter, I should never have treated her the way I did. She deserves my respect and love, and nothing else."
"I know you love her. I can see it in your eyes when you talk about your mother. I know sometimes when we are sad we only focus on ourselves and not other people, and that's okay." I found myself staring at her even more intently. "But I also know our families are there for us when we need them most. They want to be sad when we are and happy when we are happy." I was astonished. How could a little girl know so much about such complex emotions?
"How old are you, little one?"
"I'm ten going on eleven. My birthday is next month. How old are you?" she asked, her head tilted to the side. I just had to laugh. If she were only aware of my true age, the fear she would have.
"I am older than ten," I said laughing.
"I understand, you don't need to tell me your age. Renee says age is but a number and you are only as old as you feel. I just think she doesn't want to tell people her real age." The girl should do stand-up.
"How do you know so much about sadness and your family wanting to comfort you in time of need? What do you have to be sad about, little one?" she looked away before answering.
"Well this summer, I didn't really want to go to camp and I told my mom, but she wouldn't listen. I am not really an outdoor person and my coordination is really bad, meaning I trip on anything. I said that I could go to my dad's, but he is really busy with work and probably going to get a promotion soon. That's why I usually see him once in the summer around California." She finally took a breath before continuing. "So anyways, I was really mad at them, but then I thought my mother just wanted me to experience new things and meet new people. I realized I was being a brat and finally decided to come to camp. It made her happy so I was happy for her. She was going on some retreat so I just wanted to make everything fine."
I was amazed again. Even though she obliviously hated camp and the outdoors, she wanted to make her mother happy, when it should have been the other way. Renee should have realized her daughter's sadness and stayed home from her own adventures. It sounded like their roles were switched and Renee was more the child than adult.
"That was very big of you, little one. It's very noble of you to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of your mother's," I didn't want to sound bitter, but she shouldn't have to made such difficult and unfair decisions. I also knew I had no room to talk; I had wanted to drain her earlier. It seemed like everyone had taken advantage of the child.
"My mother always calls me her middle-aged child." Super mom strikes again. It was evident her mother was just kidding, but I could feel the child's insecurities when she said this. I only wanted to see her smile.
"Well I can see why," I started to say and her emotions dipped again, "You look positively old. I mean you are pushing eleven. If you are not careful you may reach the ripe old age of thirteen." She just laughed and blushed. I took another quick breath while she was distracted. Then she distracted me with her next question
"So why were you sad? Did you break up with your girlfriend or something? I know that makes a lot of guys sad at school. My dad was also sad when my mom left and took me. You kind of had that look on your face." Damn this child was just too smart.
She was so observant of everything and everyone around her. Alice was part of the reason, but the other part (bigger part) was the fatal mistake I had almost made. I had almost taken her life because of my stupid excuses and my fucking control issues. I had let others take control of my thirst and never really cared about it until I had slipped-up and saw the damage it caused. After time, things would go back to normal until my next fatal mistake. I was always on the fence with this singular issue, never making a final stand or committing, depending on others instead of myself. It had been bad but until the very moment, when killing a child was involved, did I realize the control shit needed to stop. I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet and not rely on others.
I also decided to be somewhat honest with her. I didn't want to lie to the child, but I also wanted to protect her from the true horrors of my past.
"You are right, little one. Part of me is sad because my girlfriend broke up with me, but another part of me is sad because I almost did something I would never be able to take back. I have been struggling with a problem for years and I've never really done anything about it. I fail to take responsibility for my actions and my problems. I let others take control and they had to suffer for my problems, and it's not really fair to them. Do you understand?" She was silent for a while. I could feel she was digesting what I confided in her.
"I understand, but I don't think you do." I was flabbergasted. She thought I didn't understand my own tribulations.
"Those others are responsible also, at least to a certain extent. No one asked them to help you with your problem. Did you ask them to help?" I couldn't speak, I just shook my head.
"You see they took it upon themselves. You never asked for their help. They probably knew what they were getting themselves into. Of course you are responsible for what you do eventually, but they also share some of the blame because they took it upon themselves, and when it really mattered their help didn't seem to come in handy. It also made you weak because you never fully had to deal with the problem on your own. I think it's called enabling someone. Did it help you?" Again I just shook my head.
"It's just like when my mother wanted me to go to camp and I didn't want to. I finally decided to go because it made her happy. She didn't know I would become lost. It wasn't her fault I became lost, but to me it is her fault that I am even in this situation. If she just would have stayed home instead of having to go on her retreat I wouldn't have been here. I don't blame her, but I know some of the blame is on her. Do you understand?" It was her turn to wait for my answer.
The little one had opened up my eyes. Some things that were always dark were shed with light. Even though I didn't blame Alice and Edward for my own issues and my mistakes, they had some blame on them because they had taken it upon themselves to become involved in taking over my lack of control. Of course, I held the most blame and was ultimately responsible for killing those people. There was no refuting that outcome.
It also reminded me of a news story I saw about a girl who killed herself. She was bullied, teased, and tormented mercilessly at school and the teachers never stopped it. She was threatened and terrorized until she couldn't take it anymore and then killed herself. Now, the kids who terrorized her were charged with her death. Even though she took her own life, those people were also responsible for the actions that caused the tragic outcome. Every action has a consequence and we have to face those results, all of the parties involved.
"I understand what you're saying, little one, and I think you're right. I never really looked at the situation like that. It is truly amazing how insightful you are. Your eyes seem to see what others are missing. You are very perceptive, little one. Never lose that amazing ability." She just blushed again and lowered her head. I could feel her embarrassment, and the pride in herself. But I really had to dig to feel that one.
"So how did you become lost?" Here we were talking and discussing my problems when she was lost in the middle of nowhere scratched up. Perhaps I should have paid her for the time on the couch.
"Our camp director took us hiking on boulder trail and I tripped and fell a little down the side of the trail. I must have hit my head because I woke up and no one was there. I called for help but no one heard or came. I tried getting up and walking, but I hurt my ankle when I tripped. I've tried crawling away, but didn't have the strength. I've been stuck here and I think they have already contacted my mother and I know she is just hysterical. She is just like that and I don't want her to worry anymore because I am fine." The child would never cease to amaze me.
She had probably been lost for hours. She was scratched, her ankle sprained, and in pain. All she worried about was her mother's wellbeing and my emotional state. I could feel the worry for her mother but not herself. She was surely an angel that heaven seemed to misplace. Maybe she tripped over a cloud and landed here on earth.
"Are you sure you aren't the angel? She just laughed and her face took on her established blush.
"I'm not an angel. What would give you that silly idea?"
"Well you are hurt, scratched, your hair is beyond scary," she just laughed harder at my statement about her hair, "You have dirt all over you and you're only worried about your mom. Aren't scared out here all by yourself?"
"I'm not scared now because you are with me, and I know you won't let anyone hurt me," such certainty filled her voice. "Plus I was scared earlier, but then I fell asleep and you showed up. Just like an angel. So if anyone is the angel it's you," she said, a smile on her innocent lips. I was not safe for her. Even now when I took a breath my throat would burn, but I knew I wasn't going to do anything to her. I would rather end my own existence than to harm a child, especially this little innocent one.
"You shouldn't trust me, little one. You don't know what I am capable of." She frowned and shook her head. I could feel her doubt, but not in regards toward her; it was directed at me.
"I know you won't hurt me, I trust you," she was insistent. "You got mad when my mom made me go to camp because I didn't want to and you tried to protect me from your problems," she must have seen my confusion because she answered my unspoken question, "You only told me about your problem in general terms, not giving me any specifics about your problem. You don't want to me to know because you think it might hurt me in some way. I can see it in your eyes. You also keep your distance from me, like if you got close you might hurt me, but I know you wouldn't." There was absolute nothing I could say.
She called me out and she won the argument. A girl of ten was able to best a hundred plus vampire; that sound around us had been my ego hitting the ground. I don't think she'd ever stop amazing me.
Here was this innocent child who saw through all of my shit, and still trusted me to be around. She trusted me to protect her. She had such a faith in me that it truly scared to my very core. This had been the defining moment that I needed, to get off the fence and start trying to take blame for my actions. It was time to man-up and start living my life for me and stop complaining about my problems.
In the course of an hour in talking to this child, she had changed my whole prospective on my most defining problem. She unknowingly gave me the courage I needed to stop being scared. She gave me the confidence I needed to try and make myself better. She gave me the dedication in myself to see that I had some potential to accomplish what I had always struggled with. Her simple and child-like faith gave me what I had really needed all of these years, and I was completely stunned that it was a child who was able to do this.
"Still, little one, you can never be too careful. You never know what kind of monsters are out there," I cautioned her.
"I know. I have a cop for a dad remember?" She smiled a tired smile at me.
I could tell she was starting to get drowsy. I needed to think of a plan in getting her to safety. I didn't trust myself to carry her. I wasn't that strong yet. I could have asked Peter to come and help, but he was in the city hunting and I didn't know how long he and Charlotte would be. I trusted him to take her. He had great control. He claimed it was because he didn't deny himself his natural food source, no matter how much he respected my choices. I could only think of one thing. I pulled out my satellite phone and saw that I had some reception. Alice always insisted on them, but damn were they expensive. After formulating the plan in my head, I looked at the child again.
"How could I forget?" I winked at her. She turned pink before smiling. She gave me a curious look from under her drooping lashes. I could tell she wanted to say something, but she was too shy.
"What do you want to tell me? I won't get mad, little one." The child scrunched up her face before speaking.
"Well I was just thinking about your girlfriend dumping you. She must be really stupid. You are a great person and I would like to have a boyfriend like you. Plus you are really pretty," she said it so fast I was surprised she wasn't a vampire. I never realized humans could speak so fast. I heard every word, but I thought she was too adorable when shy, so I messed with her a little.
"What was that you said, little one? You spoke so fast." She turned even redder and she hid her face as she started again. Her embarrassment was going through the roof. I held in my laugh, not wanting to discourage her.
"I said your girlfriend was stupid to dump you and," she quieted down even more, "I would like to have a boyfriend like you someday." She continued to talk under her breath, thinking I couldn't hear. "I just wish I was older and you are really pretty." I smiled at her innocence and felt something inside of me crack that always sheltered me from such pure things.
"You wouldn't want a boyfriend like me, little one. You could do so much better. I'm no where good enough for an angel like you. You deserve nothing but the very best for everything in life!" my voice crammed with conviction. I could feel she didn't believe me.
"You don't seem to believe me. What do you think I am being dishonest about?"
"I couldn't do much better than you. I can see the goodness in you. Your eyes say it all. You can't lie to me. You may have made mistakes, but the goodness in you will always shine through and will darken all that may not be so good. We all make mistakes, my mom likes to tell me and she is actually right. But what you do after those bad things is what defines us as a person. My mom may be nutty, but she can give some good advice, well every now and then." She gave me that simple smile.
There was her innate belief that I was good and that it shined above the rest. Something that was beyond my control had taken over in meeting the angel. Something within me that was greater than anything I had ever felt. My soul recognized that without me being aware of it. Out of nowhere and out of right field, I found myself making her a promise. Her faith in me was so strong that my knees would have buckled if I wasn't already sitting down. It was unbelievable that a human could feel those types of fierce emotions, and a child at that. She was a unique creature with some amazing potential. She would be amazing in whatever she did with her life, she was meant to shine to the world. I wanted nothing for her but happiness. She deserved nothing but that.
The child in thought yawned again, limiting my time and knowing it was coming to an end. It was sad tidings indeed. She cleared her arid throat before her stomach gave a mighty growl. I knew that her scrapes needed to be attended to also. I was just thankful none of them were bleeding openly. My own hunger wouldn't be ignored in definitely. I needed to hunt some more. I was glad she hadn't seen me before I took down the lion. I knew it helped my appearance a lot. It wasn't that I was vain; I just didn't want her to be scared of me anymore than she was, although her fear of me (or lack thereof) seemed pretty nonexistent.
I looked into her eyes again, and lost myself in her innocence. I couldn't even remember the last time I had felt like that. It was overflowing. I felt like I was floating on air and nothing in my world was bad, or would ever be. There was nothing there to impede me. I always wanted to remember this moment with this precious angel. She had changed me for the better and she didn't even realize it. I smiled back at her and winked. She naturally blushed and hid her face. I just continued to grin. Her eyes started to close and I knew she was close to falling asleep. For some reason, that thought made my heart hurt. I didn't want to let go of this moment. It seemed that if this little one was always with me nothing bad would ever happen, but I couldn't keep her and she needed to be returned to her mother. She had done enough for me. She started to drop off, but I could tell she was also trying to fight her tiredness, like she also didn't want to be separated from me. That's when she started to cry again, it was so sudden.
"Why are you crying, little angel?" My soul was breaking at watching her cry, tears running down her beautiful little face.
"If I go to sleep, it will be like this never happened, like it was always a dream. That thought makes me really sad," she whispered and broke me a little more. Maybe it would be a good thing if she thought I was a dream and nothing more. I never her wanted to be frightened of me and my mistakes. With my mind made up I started to hit her with some more lethargic waves, but cried all the same internally.
"Don't worry, little angel, I will always be in your dreams. If you are ever scared, just call me and I will be there to protect you. Always remember I will protect you, little one. I promise." She smiled a little, but I could still feel her immense sadness.
"I don't even know your name," she slurred. She was really going down fast. Being tired from her ordeal and me supplying her with some more lethargic emotions weren't helping.
"My name is Jasper, little angel," I murmured.
She opened her eyes once more and looked at me. I memorized the exact color and shape of her eyes and face. I imprinted her image on my soul. I never wanted to forget one detail of this little lost angel with cinnamon brown eyes, and slight green specks.
"What is it, angel?" I whispered softly, lulling her back to sleep. I took one more look at her eyes before they closed for good.
"I love you, Jasper. Thanks for taking care of me. I'll always remember. I promise, and remember you are good and beautiful even with your scars; you are beautiful," her voice now faint. I was again taken aback. I had no idea she could see my scars. They were so faint. But when I looked down, I realized how white I had been and with no complexion she was able to see my scars more so than usual. She was simply an amazing child. I wanted to cry because of her words and her effortless faith.
"I love you too, little one." I then made my silent promise to her, right there as I watched the light of the full moon bouncing off her hair and skin, making her look ethereal like the little angel she was.
"I promise you, little angel that I will be better. You have helped me in ways you will never realize. Your straightforward and undemanding faith in me helped me to change for the better. Thank you for all you have done. I promise to do better and to always try to be the person you see in me. I will always try to control my thirst. I know it won't be easy and I will have my struggles, but I will try, for you and especially for me. I will never forget you, and when I am feeling my lowest, I'll remember your goodness and your belief in me. I will get up and try again. I'm sorry for the fear I may have caused you. But most of all, little angel, I'm sorry for almost taking your precious life. I have no excuses and I'll never forget what I almost did. I'm not sure if we will ever see each other again, but I will always carry that part of my soul you have captured with me. I will always try. I love you also, little one."
After my silent promise to her, I got up and walked toward her, little by little, always keeping myself in check and making sure I was under control. I knelt down beside her and ran my fingers through her hair. I took a shallow breath and let the fire come to my throat. I remembered the burn and knew at this moment, in one of my darkest times, I was able to see some light at the end of my very long proverbial tunnel. I now had a defined path in front of me again. My little angel had given my life meaning again and a goal to achieve.
It was going to be arduous, but I knew with hard work and determination I could accomplish it, all thanks to the little one. I continued to run my fingers through her hair. I slowly bent over and placed a little kiss on her forehead, memorizing her scent and all the little details that made her special. Light filled my soul so bright I thought I would go blind. When the light receded, I realized I had been irreversibly changed. There was some instinctive knowledge that she was now a permanent part of my soul. Our bond had been cemented and nothing could change or take away our experience.
The feelings and promises I made to her created the connection that linked us together in our times of need. It was something I would never take lightly and always cherish. I leaned down and kissed her forehead again and whispered in her ear, letting the wonderful warmth take over, "Thank you, angel!"
"Bella, my name is Bella," she slurred seemingly talking in her sleep. I pulled my phone out with much pain, and made the anonymous call to the local police station after getting the number from the operator. I told them the location of her whereabouts and her fair health, just tired and a little scratched.
After I ended the call, I sat with Bella, as she told me her name was, and waited for them to rescue the little angel. I hoped her mother would listen to her from now on. I also hoped Bella would never in a situation like this again.
...
About two hours of me constantly running my fingers through her hair passed before I heard the rescue team coming closer. I knew my time was very limited and I needed to move before the dogs caught my scent, not that they already hadn't. I knelt down and kissed her little forehead goodbye.
"Thank you again, little angel. Never forget and I will always remember you and my promise." I gently kissed her cheek and got up. I looked down at her sleeping form before leaving. It was more difficult than I imagined it to be. As I turned around to leave she granted me one more miracle.
"Jasper, remember. I love you too." A tear slipped out of the corner of her closed eye.
I took off running and realized this was the start of my new journey and I had a promise to keep. I waited for them to collect Bella. When they were gone, I went back and sat in the place that was still warmed from her little body. I looked up at the stars and started to plan what I was going to do next. I needed to leave Peter and Charlotte's and go out on my own. I needed to find the strength in myself and the conviction. I also needed to call Carlisle and Esme and apologize for the pain I had caused them, not just for the last few weeks, but for all of the pain and worry I caused them over the years. Then I needed to thank them for everything and tell them of my love.
More than anything, I needed to start living my new destiny that had been gracious given to me.
Author's Notes: I am not really happy with this chapter, but I wanted to post it. I hope you like it. Thanks to all of those who read my lousy writing, and an extra thanks to those who review and add me to your alerts. I hope you enjoy! Thanks darlings and lots of love. :D
Posted: 28 April 2010
Edited: 30 January 2011