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Losing The Light

Part Five

February - Jasper's POV

The last five months had not been easy. They were trying and difficult. It seemed with each day that passed that I didn't see Bella, was another day where the light died a little more. I knew that this thought process was silly, but I couldn't seem to help myself any longer. I knew she was real and I had spoken to her. I knew she had changed my life, but it seemed that no matter how many times I told myself this, my brain just didn't want to believe it. I could feel myself sliding into a depression again. The phone calls to Carlisle and Esme helped, but it still seemed like a part of me was missing. It was like her special piece of my soul no longer existed.

I was also down to hunting once every day and it was difficult. Carlisle warned me to caution myself, but I felt if I wasn't moving in a positive direction, I wasn't keeping my promise to my little angel. I never wanted to disappoint her, so I continued to push myself harder and harder.

Carlisle didn't understand my need for my quick success. He continued to caution me on my hunting habits, he was concerned for my well being. In our last phone conversation he continued to admonish me. I also remembered a phone call I had with Peter prior to the one with Carlisle. Let's just say, some things are always better kept in the dark.

...

Phone call from Peter

"… Yeah, bitch, I am still not happy with you. Don't even get me started on the pain cramps in my hand I had for weeks, not to mention my horrible case of blue balls," Peter scolded me. I couldn't believe he was still harping on this shit, months after it happened.

"What the fuck ever, Peter. You got what you deserved. Maybe in the future you should learn to watch that mouth of yours and take responsibility for your own actions."

I wasn't in the mood to hear his ass crying about his lack of sex. I also didn't want to hear about his apparent hand, dick coordination. I had other problems to worry about. My world was becoming dark again, with no light in sight. My little angel was leaving me and I needed her always. I needed her light.

"I didn't deserve three weeks of –" Peter started, but I wasn't about to listen to his little bitchy tirade again.

"Was there a reason you called, Peter, or are you just going to continue crying over the little usage your penis saw in the month of August?" I asked him in exasperation.

"Well now that you mention it, there is a reason. I wanted to give you some advice. You know that I just 'know shit' so I am not going to underestimate your intelligence and pretend I don't know what you have been going through. I may not understand it, but I still know."

I hated his gift at times. It allowed him insight into my already chaotic world. I knew he did understand that my lifeline to Bella was slipping and my mind and purpose right along with it. My life was becoming a black hole and my already made progress seemed nonexistent. Nothing was right anymore and I had no idea how to stop this maddening spiral.

"I know you 'know', Peter, you annoying bitch. So just say your peace and be done with it."

"Well, and I know this is going to sound out there, but it works. You need to learn to meditate. Not in the sense of being a monk, and that kind of shit, but in the sense of learning to shut down your mind and learning to become calm, learning to center your mind. You are having all of these negative thoughts, and they are becoming front in center in every aspect of your life. That shit isn't healthy, even for us vampires; especially for us vampires, we thrive on our senses."

"You are one weird bitch, Petey." A smile cracked my lips. "So why did you learn to 'meditate'? What grand adventure in your life caused you to learn to center your mind?"

"It's funny that you ask that, brother. Remember my little bitch-fit earlier, about having to wank off for three weeks?" Before I could answer someone else did.

"I know you are not complaining to Jasper about your inability to treat me as your wife and not as a sex toy, right, Peter?" Char asked in the background. I thought Peter said she wasn't home.

"Char, baby, when did you get in?"

"Just answer the question," she growled. I decided to keep my mouth closed and not get him in trouble this time. I really needed his advice and wasn't in the mood to piss him off.

"No, baby," he started to say in that placating voice every husband uses with his wife, "I wasn't complaining, I was just reminding Jasper of a conversation we had before you got home." He was such a bitch.

"Hmm . . . if you say so. Have you seen the video I rented from the store?" she asked, changing the subject. "I wanted to watch it because it is due back tomorrow."

"I think I saw it in the next room, in my study. I love you, honey," he said in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"I love you too, and make sure you keep it that way. Hey, Jasper, I love you too."

I replied to her declaration and waited for Peter to stop kissing his wife's luscious ass.

"As I was saying," he finally started again, "you need to learn to center your mind. Meditation is really amazing and can do wonders for a person, I should know," he hushed into the phone.

"I found the video, thanks, Peter," Charlotte spoke from the next room.

"No problem, baby." Were they ever finished?

"Mediation can mean a variety of things, but the core of meditation is learning to relax your mind, allowing you to become calm and tranquil. Breathing is a pillar of meditation. Learning to breath correctly allows you to shut down your body and essential become one with yourself. When you learn to breathe, correctly, mediation will help you to develop mindfulness, concentration, tranquility, and insight. You will be able to shut off the negative thoughts and let your mind and body rest. We may not be human, but our species also needs time to rest and reflect. You should start by lying down. Place your palms up and away from your body; allow your mind to relax all of the muscles in your body, starting with the neck all the way to the feet. Concentrate on three colors, this will become your 'color mantra' and will help you to think of nothing else. Keep repeating it over and over, allowing your mind to shut down. Breathe in for six seconds, allowing the air to completely fill you, and release for seven seconds. Learn to listen to the sounds around you, and learn to listen to what your heart and spirit are trying to say. I know this shit sounds weird, but trust me, brother, it works. I even got Charlotte addicted to meditation. There is nothing like centering your 'chi'."

I thought about what he said. It sounded plausible, and at this point, I figured anything could help. There was no harm in trying, and Peter really did know his 'shit'. My brother was throwing me a floating device while I was drowning in my blackness; I would have been a foul and derelict not to accept.

In times when I needed him, Peter never bullshitted me, he was there for me.

"Thanks, Peter. It does sound weird coming from your mouth, but I am willing to try. You have never led me wrong when I needed you, brother, and know I can trust your insight."

"That's my bitch talking!"

Peter was never serious for long, but that was one of the amazing things about him, the comic relief.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" I could hear Char scream, along with the rest of Arizona.

"Yeah, Peter, ride me from behind!" I heard a male voice yell in the background and it sounded very familiar.

"Let me show you how we real cowboys do it in Texas." I could hear Peter answer to the male.

"PETER, what the fuck is this?" I heard Char yell again. Peter must have entered the room because I could hear the voice loud and clear.

"Everything is happening so fast, it feels so amazing," the male continued to scream.

What the hell was his voice doing in their house? I was beyond confused.

"Charlotte, where did you find that?" Peter's voice quivered as he asked.

"Where the HELL do you think I found it, Einstein? It was in your video collection. What the hell are you doing and I thought I made myself perfectly clear on this subject." Char was fucking mad and I didn't have to be an empath to know it.

"Let me ride you, Peter, you rode me like a little bitch. Let me show you how Emmett rides, and you better hold on. Just ask Rosie, she knows how I ride!" I Emmett screamed. Did he always have to be so loud and where was the fucking acid when you needed it. More importantly, what the hell were Emmett and Peter doing to each other in that video?

"Pull harder, Peter . . . you have to really yank it." I heard Emmett scream again. I felt like I was going to be scarred for life.

"Char, you have to understand, Emmett –"

"Like Hell, Peter, we told you not to do it and you went ahead anyway. Did you honestly think that Rose and I would never find out? She screeched. I'm surprised my ears weren't bleeding, yet alone Peter's.

"Char, we were only –"

"To bad, Peter. I don't want to hear your bullshit excuses. I was very clear on you not skydiving. You know it is calling unnecessary attention to us. What would have happened if the rip cord didn't work when you pulled? What would have happened if the parachute didn't work? How would you explain your amazing heroics on being alive with no heart beat? Not only that, you had someone video tape your jump. Could you and Emmett have been any stupider? How the hell did you explain to the man all of these amazing stunts you pulled in the air, while fighting gravity? I cannot believe you were this fucking stupid. Wait until I tell Rose about this video. You and Emmett are in some major shit. I MEAN YOU were riding him like a bull out of the chute!"

It was a good thing Charlotte didn't need to breathe because she said all of that in one breathe. It was also a shame I wasn't talking to anyone else in the family because I would have loved to witness the beat down Emmett was going to get from Rose. That was almost worth selling on Pay-Per-View (Rose vs. Tail-between-the-legs-while-trying-to-piss-himself Emmett).

"Char . . . I'm sorry . . . we didn't mean . . ." He was becoming hysteric. This was fucking funny and really took my mind off my problems.

"Too little too late, 'real-cowboy-from-Texas'. You thought three weeks was something, that will seem like a trickle of water compared to the rapids you are about to face. You should have thought about your consequences, Peter."

"But Emmett –"

"I thought we discussed you blaming your problems on others, Peter?" He was smartly silent.

I was just glad I got my advice before this shit went down. I was also surprised he wasn't able to 'see this shit' coming.

I was feeling ignored so I put my two sense in, "It's a good thing you learned meditation and how to center your 'chi' eh, Peter?" I know, I'm evil.

"Shut the fuck up, Jasper!" he shouted over the phone. There was no need to become snippy with me and his language was not appreciated. Maybe he needed to learn more of a lesson.

"Don't you talk to Jasper like that. He isn't the one with the listening problem or the one who doesn't know how to follow directions."

Poor little Peter; should I throw more kindling into the fire…?

"Yes, Peter, I was only trying to make a suggestion, plus I thought you told me Charlotte gave you permission to go skydiving." It was official, I was going to hell.

"WHAT THE FUCK, PETER . . . I NEVER SAID THAT."

"You are going to pay for that, fucker," Peter whispered menacingly into the phone before he hung up on me. Well at least I wasn't the only one not getting any . . . again.

I wondered how deep his breathing technique was going to get.

...

(Music Selection: 'The Animal I Have Become' by Three Days Grace)

Phone Call to Carlisle

"Jasper, you need to slow down, son. I don't want you to push yourself too fast. You need to pace yourself. There is no race." He didn't understand that I was losing Bella. It felt that I was losing a piece of her every day. I needed to do anything that would help me remember her. Somehow I had it in my head – if I learned quicker, she would stay with me. I was feeling desperate.

"I understand, Carlisle, but I feel that I need to continue forward. I don't want to be stuck hunting twice a day forever. It's been five months already, and I feel that I should be down to once a day. It is where I am supposed to be according to my measurements. Please just trust me." I knew it was a low blow. Carlisle always trusted my decisions, he never corrected me. He only made suggestions about what he thought was in my best interests.

"Son, I always trust in your judgment, but I just don't want you to overtax yourself. There really is no need for you to feel like you have to be at a certain place at a certain time. You should only do what makes you comfortable and secure in yourself. That is all I meant earlier."

"I know, Carlisle, but I needed to be down to once a day; it's just time. I will just have to put in the extra effort. I have been hunting once a day for about two months now and I do feel better, but I just need to make a little more effort. All I have to do is spend more time around people and put in the extra work."

"You shouldn't have to feel that you are straining yourself, son," he pleaded. "You should let it come naturally. It will in time. Everyone learns at one's own pace. There is no right way and no wrong way. The most important thing is for you to just feel comfortable with your progression and everything else will fall in line".

I was starting to become angry. He just didn't understand. Carlisle didn't know about Bella and he didn't understand my connection to her. It was the only think that I felt, which anchored me to her, and to my promise to her. He didn't understand the loss I was feeling or the darkness that seemed to building up in me. My little angel was my light and I needed that light to continue. I just needed to do whatever it took to keep that connection to her.

"You just don't understand, Carlisle. I need to do whatever I need to make sure I'm progressing forward. You just don't understand shit. You have no fucking idea what I am going through, okay. The light inside that keeps me going – is burning out and I have to do something or else it will be gone for good. So just get off my damn back and allow me to do what is necessary!" I yelled at him

"That is enough, Jasper." His voice was stern and filled with command. "You are never to talk to me like that again. I am your father and I deserve your respect. I have never talked to you like that and I never will. Don't tell me I don't understand shit. I watched as you slipped. I watched as the light left your eyes when you did. I watched you become a shell each time, and I watched as a little part of your beautiful soul died each time. I suffered with you, and I cried with you. It may not have been at your side like Alice, but I did nonetheless. Don't you ever presume to tell me I don't "understand". I may not have had that struggle with bloodlust like you, but I have had my own demons to face. I will always allow you to do what is necessary, but not at the risk of your sanity. You are in a very dangerous and precarious place right now, son, and I'm not sure what is pushing you. You need to back off or else the progress you have made will be for naught. I love you and only want what is best for you. I want that light that is in you to shine and never be dimmed."

Carlisle was right. I had lost track of my mind and allowed myself to be ruled by my erratic thoughts. I could hardly feel the little angel anymore and it scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to be in darkness again. I didn't want to be in the place I was when Alice left me. It was lonely and depressing. I wanted to bask in the warmth that her connection gave me. I didn't want to lose my purpose in life again. I needed to have that purpose in my life.

"I'm so sorry, Carlisle. You are right, of course. I should have never said those horrible things to you. Never once have you spoken to me in that tone or with such harsh words, even when you were angry with me. You have always treated me with respect and love. You may have raised your voice, but you never spoke to me in a condescending manner. You didn't deserve my anger. I am just feeling lost right now. I have gotten it into my mind that if I advance more and at a quicker pace, then the light will shine bright again. Do you understand?"

"Thanks for your apology, and I do understand what you mean. But you need to realize that you have all of these erratic thoughts in your head at the moment and are allowing them to fill you up, son. There isn't any room for anything else. You need to step back and clear out all the negativity so that your positive and beautiful beam can shine through." His statement made perfect sense.

"It's like when a window is really dirty, it hardly lets any light through, but when you take the time to clean the window, the light will flood through and brighten everything in its path. Do you understand that?"

What Carlisle said again made a lot of sense. It's like my brain flipped the on switch and I was finally seeing through the fog that had blanketed my mind, not allowing me to see anything but my desperation.

"I completely understand. I was allowing myself to think of nothing else. I just felt that it had to be now or else everything good in me would die. I know it is crazy, but I now realize I need to step back and reevaluate. Do you have any suggestions?"

"I would do what Peter told you to do," Carlisle started and I shuddered at the thought of that conversation.

"I know it sounds corny, but learning to center your mind can keep it clear of all those thoughts that don't accomplish anything and keep you on your intended path at a safe and realistic pace. If you feel that in a month, you are ready to hunt every three days and you have thought it through clearly and feel comfortable, then I would support you. You just need to make sure it is the right decision and for the right reasons, not some contrived reason you have out of desperation. I will support you in your decisions, son. I only want to caution you and help, those are the only reasons I bring up my concerns. The ultimate decision lies with you. I trust you. As you said from the beginning, this was going to be hard. There are no shortcuts or an easy way out. It is done by hard work and dedication to your intended path."

I took his advice to heart. I just needed to learn to curb my insanity. I decided to try the breathing exercises Peter said worked wonders. I would continue to hunt once a day, but then I would take the necessary time to center my mind and keep those erratic thought at bay. I informed Carlisle of my decision and he agreed with me.

The next day after I hunted (and thought about the advice from Peter and Carlisle), I sat on the ground and looked up into the night sky; it was so striking and clear. It reminded me of the night I had met my lost angel. She had opened up my eyes to my problems and troubles, unconsciously.

I closed my eyes and cleared my mind of thoughts. It was the first time in a while I felt better. I focused on three colors, which became my color-mantra and repeated them in my head. After about fifteen minutes of a silent mind, I could feel the fog lifting. I could feel the connection to the little angel stronger than I had in a while. I knew with continued practice and patience, I would get better. I needed to calm down and learn to balance my mind better. I knew it was harder only hunting once a day, but I would get better.

I just had to get better.

Author's Notes Continued: I just wanted to start out by thanking all of you who took the time to read my little story. An extra thanks to those who added me to their alerts and favorites. It really does me a lot. And an extra big thanks and wet kisses to those who reviewed. I truly enjoyed all of your comments. They were so thoughtful and meaningful. You are the best, and I thank you from my heart! I hope Peter's part doesn't feel to out of place with the rest of the chapter; I tried to make it seamless as possible. So I hope you enjoy.

If any of you are confused or have any questions, please feel free to ask. The most important part of this chapter was the conversation with Carlisle. Jasper is going through a very difficult time and is trying valiantly to do it on his own. Even though he has the support of his parents and friends, he was still having a difficult time. This chapter, even though it may feel like filler, is still important. Thanks again, and I hope you liked it (even a little).

Posted: 7 May 2010

Edited: 15 May 2011