Disclaimer: SM and her affiliates own all that is twilight. No copyright infringement intended. I just like to play with the ever so yummy Jasper. Shelly, however; is my creation.

Author's Note: This has been the chapter I am most anxious for you to read.

I wanted to thank all of those who read my little attempt at a Jasper and Bella story. An extra thank you to those who have added me to your favorites and alerts, it is very gratifying and makes me want to write more. And last, but most assuredly, not least a BIG thank you with sprinkles on top for those of you who took the time to tell me your thoughts. They truly mean the world to me, and I'm very grateful for your beautiful comments.

Now on a separate topic, this was a difficult chapter to write. It was very emotional, but I hope you like it. I worked really hard on it. I hope you enjoy it.

Everything Went Blank

Part Six

Jasper's POV - February

(Music Selection: 'Why' By Rascal Flatts)

Another one . . . two . . . three . . . ten . . . twenty-three . . . thirty days had passed since my mental discord. A lifetime had passed in each individual day that my angel was not present. Our connection was there, but shadowed by my depressing thoughts. In times of my reflection and meditation, I could feel our link more, but for some reason it was still dimmed. The fog that clouded my mind had all but dissipated in the days following my new routine of meditation. But with each passing day that lapsed, I continued to allow my mind to wander; the pessimistic ideas becoming more prominent in the forefront of my constant waking mind.

I tried to counter this affect by thinking of Carlisle, and the advice he gave me about taking my time. There was no rush. My angel was there, her light never fully receding; I just needed to clear out the cobwebs. I always knew my bloodlust wouldn't have been cured overnight, but my internal monster sowed seeds of doubts. The lingering negativity created by these doubts continued to feed an ever growing mist that crept closer each day on the banks of my rationality. Destructive thoughts churned in my psyche causing me to further deteriorate and my internal danger to become more prominent. My negativity knew no bounds, and my rational decision-making ceased to exist. My ever present thoughts centered on a common message:

"I am still here stuck in this rut, not moving forward, feeling I will never progress, being stuck forever in my same routine and slowly losing the best part of my angel. This can't be allowed. The only way to keep our connection alive is to move forward, doing what is needed to feed the light; doing what is needed to survive. Nothing is out of reach. I will not say goodbye to the best part of my already damaged soul."

My thoughts and memories of Bella became more tainted and corrupt by my dirty mind, her ethereal light becoming darker and dimmer. Shadows filtered through the pure, untainted beam, cutting holes in my connection to the only good place I had left. The monster that I always kept hidden in its cage was fighting to be released, fighting to take over the little luminosity my soul had.

My harmful thoughts continued to progress, and what little reprieve I received from meditating was replaced by these erratic beliefs. I somehow convinced myself something needed to change. So with my already overtaxed mind, I started hunting every other day. My internal monster had converted my last shred of sense, and the rest of me went along. My sanity was pushed back and my lunacy took over. Hunting every other day made me more dangerous and only fed the madness. My fifteen minutes of mediation, after each hunt, slowly lost it potency, having little to no effect, and the fog of my desperation took over a little more, obscuring my lucid mind.

My cogent mind pleaded for me to return to hunting once a day, but I couldn't be persuaded; my illogical thoughts had a firm grip.

The last grip I had on my coherent self took over momentarily, and I allowed it to fill my mind. Thoughts of Carlisle came to me. I smile over the tiny battle I had won. I decided tonight that I was going back to hunting once a day. My meditation sessions would become twice as long until it helped to balance out and center my thought process. I would do what was necessary to control my sane mind.

My monster laughed at my feeble victory, waiting in the dark for the right time to strike. I ignored these notions and decided to call Carlisle before I got any worse. Today wasn't my usually day to talk to him, but in light of my fast losing sanity, something had to give. I needed something to help balance myself. My father and confidant was just the person I sought.

Carlisle picked up the phone and knew something was wrong. When I began my conversation with a meager attempt with a joke, he automatically knew.

"So how is my AA Sponsor doing today," I joshed him, trying to keep my voice light.

"I've been pretty busy. There was a bad accident and people have been in all day donating blood, especially your favorite, AB negative," he countered my attempt.

"Carlisle, you know how I like my O positive."

"Really, Jasper, that surprises me, I actually took you more for an A negative drinker, shaken not stirred." I quickly laughed, allowing its goodness to fill me up.

"You got me there, but don't mention it to anyone. But to be serious, thanks for taking the time to talk with me today. It sounds as if you are really busy at the hospital picking up the extra shifts. Make sure you tell Esme thanks for letting me borrow so much of you."

"It's no problem, Jasper, that what's I'm here for. Anytime you need me, regardless of the time, I will be there for you. You are my son and I love you."

Carlisle really knew how to make a vampire tear up. It was one of the reasons he was such an amazing doctor. He cared for all his patients as if they were his children, giving them all he had. I often told him he had a heart of Platinum; he'd have to in order to deal with all of my shit. I did come with a lot of baggage.

"Speaking of Esme, she reminded to tell you, you haven't called her in a while. You know how Esme likes to keep up with all of her children. Please make sure you call her soon, okay?"

"Sure, Carlisle, no problem, please let her know I will call sometime this weekend." I never really planned to.

The reason I didn't call Esme was simple. I didn't want her to be infected by my irrationality. Esme was my mother figure and I loved her. I never wanted her to witness me in this frame of mind. I knew I was denying her, but couldn't be persuaded. Esme was like Bella, and both of them were too pure to be polluted by my dirty mind. I hadn't talked to Esme in three weeks because it was around the time my mind started to become erratic again. Also after I had yelled at Carlisle last month, I feared I would do the same to Esme, I never wanted to take that chance. I never wanted to hurt her like I did six months before when Alice had let me go. It all seemed like another lifetime. After I was cleared once and for all of the oppressing mist, I would be safe to call her again.

"So, Jasper, how is it going with only hunting once every other day? Is it enough to sustain you for most of the time in between?" He cut right to the scary point.

I had informed Carlisle of my decision two weeks prior, but left out the information regarding my ever dwindling sanity. He had enough to deal with and I already knew his position. Subconsciously, I begged him to help the little boy that was calling out to his father. I guess my reason for calling him tonight was the same. I needed my father's love and reassurance. Carlisle love was a balm to my aching soul, giving me what I craved.

I decided to be somewhat honest with him. He deserved that much for all he did.

"I was just thinking about that very thing. It seemed to be going fine. It is more challenging of course, and I thought I was ready for that challenge. But then tonight I realized that some of that murkiness that made me illogical was starting to cloud my mind again. Before I called you, I finally realized it." I heard him release a contented breath.

"So I decided to go back to hunting once a day and meditating twice as much as before. If that doesn't work then I will continuously move it until I feel I have control of all my mental capabilities. I was taking a chance before, and I think it was my desperation that convinced me to hunt once every other day."

"I'm so proud of you, Jasper!" he exclaimed. "It is wonderful that you are able to tap into your mind and realize what the problems are. You are logical about what you are facing and try to come up with a plan to make yourself better."

The little boy in me rejoiced at the praise my father granted me. He smiled at the love he felt and preened at the attention.

"I still haven't hunted today," I started to tell Carlisle, "I wanted to call and touch base with you. I also know it isn't our regular day to talk on the phone but I wanted you to know where I stand." I omitted that I needed his reassurance and guidance. That was just too much weakness to let show. I was struggling enough.

"I always love hearing your voice and I appreciate the update. Just be sure you go hunting soon, okay. If there is anything you need just call me. I'm only just a plane ride away," Carlisle reassured me.

He and the rest of the family were still living in Michigan. I knew he wasn't that far, and if I needed him he would be here, no questions asked.

"I know, Carlisle. You put so much time and effort into me. I'm not even sure I'm worth it. I don't understand –" Carlisle growled into the phone. I was stunned into silence.

"I never want to hear that from you again! Do I make myself clear?" All I could do was nod silently.

"You are worth it, Jasper. You are my son and every second I invest in you is worth it. I don't want you ever second guessing my love!" he nearly yelled.

"I'm sorry . . . Carlisle," I stuttered into the phone, "I didn't mean . . . to offend you. I am grateful for you and Esme. You love me despite my faults. I only meant sometimes I don't understand why. Please, never think I'm not grateful."

Carlisle was silent for a few seconds and then asked, "What is this really about Jasper? Has something happened?"

How could I confide in him my failures? My internal monster called me a coward and snickered at my continued perceived weakness. How could I tell him about my eventual fall into darkness? How could I confide in him that my mind was eating away at my Bella and every good thing that she instilled in me; her very essence was being ripped from my very soul? How could I tell my father that my foolish and crazy thoughts were taking over and leaving a shell of my former self?

Even as I spoke with him, I could feel the mist grasp at my sanity that Carlisle provided, trying to kill any attempts at rational thinking. These thoughts made my throat burn, and my monster called out to be fed; it craved to be ruled by my thirst.

"Carlisle . . ." I started to say but changed my mind, "Nothing has happened; it's just been difficult. Since I started hunting once every other day, my throat is starting to burn more. But I feel that if I go back to once a day, I will never make any progress: one step forward and two steps back. Maybe I am just being too impatience."

"Son," Carlisle pleaded with me, "if you feel more comfortable hunting once a day, then please, do it. You don't have to push yourself. Only you know what you can handle. Take it one day at a time and see where you are. You know what they say: Rome wasn't built in a day. Have patience, my son. I have nothing but faith and confidence in you. My every thought of you is brimmed with my pride in you. You always knew it wasn't going to be easy; the most worthwhile things in life are fought for. Again, I caution you to have patience, my son."

I didn't know it was about this man that made me want to weep.

Damn it. Man up, Jasper!

"I will, Carlisle. I better let you go. I know you need to be at the hospital soon, it's getting pretty late. I better get my ass out there and go hunting. I'll talk to you soon, okay."

"Sure, Jasper. Take care of yourself, and remember my love for you. Never forget I love you. Oh, and Jasper, language. You know Esme wouldn't approve." I had to chuckle at this.

"Thanks, Father," I answered sarcastically, "I'll keep that in mind. Talk to you soon."

...

After talking with Carlisle I felt better, but my reprieve didn't linger. Long, slimy fingers of haze started to take over again, and the reassurances Carlisle had offered me were starting to disappear. My monster smiled a smile as if saying 'did you really think I would leave you alone? It was only a matter of time before I came back again.'

My soul cried for the continued abuse it was taking. My heart cried for the hurt that was being heaped upon me. My Bella cried, her part of my soul was being hushed up and pushed further away. I needed to get out of the house and hunt. My little piece of common sense that lasted told me it was time to reclaim what was rightfully mine. I ran to the front door and opened the hall closet. I removed my jacket and slipped it on.

My house was located in town not too far from Main Street. I thought about getting one closer to the woods, but vetoed that idea. If I was ever going to learn to control my thirst, I reasoned I needed to be near humans and live among them. My house wasn't that far from the woods, and I could reach it within a five minute run.

Just thinking about my thirst caused the burn in my throat to intensify. I was skating on a precariously thin line. I needed to hunt. I thought about foregoing my usual routine and skipping my walk down Main Street, but thought against it. These walks were one of the only positive things in my life, and they were a prelude to clearing my mind before hunting. With one last fleeting thought about just going straight to hunting, I stepped out of my front door, and headed over the four blocks to Main Street.

…

Everything was peaceful. The wonderful thing about a small town was the early bed times. My walks allowed me the solitude I craved and the peace my soul so desperately needed. Street lights lined each side, and its rays filtered through the leaves on the trees, casting shadows on the sidewalk. I started my breathing excise of six second inhale, seven second exhale. I tried to focus my mind on the good in my life: my family, my friends, and my personal angel.

I looked up into the night sky and reveled in the beauty of the stars. I had a lifetime love affair with the night sky. The romance of the stars called to my empathy.

After walking half way down my path I suddenly stopped and everything went blank.

Shelly's POV

(Music Selection: 'Hold On' By Wilson Philips)

Today was such a hectic day. The store was filled with people all day, not that I was complaining, the more money they spent the better my store did. I ran a book shop in the middle of town. It was always my dream to open it up. I didn't have any kids and I had been divorced for ten years. I didn't have any family left, and my dream of this store was all I had, so all of the stress that went with it was fine. I loved all of my customers. They brought so much happiness into my life, not to mention their money. Valentine's Day was just last week so most of my inventory was gone. I was expecting a shipment in yesterday. However, I didn't receive it until today because there was some holdup with the delivery. There was always some excuse they gave me. I really didn't have the time to stock the shelves today because it was uncommonly busy. My poor part time girl was worked to the bone today. She had volunteered to stay after and help me restock the shelves, but I didn't want her to work too much more. This was just a part-time job and she had school the next day. After she was gone I locked the door and turned the sign from open to close. Thank goodness.

I took my shoes off and poured myself a glass of wine. I usually kept a bottle at the store for days like these. I put my Wilson's Phillips CD into the system and turned up the volume. I started in the romance section and worked my way to the children's section. When I was finally done with all of the sections, I headed over to the last one, my least favorite, THE SELF HELP BOOKS. I never understood Dr. Phil and his psycho babble. I saw one clip on the television where he said "Don't let your kids play with ugly people!" What the hell did that mean anyways? Like I said, weird.

Working in this section always made me evaluate life: I didn't have any children, I wasn't married, and I didn't have any family. I know it sounds depressing, but I wasn't sad. I had a good life; I chose to focus on my blessing. I had an amazing job, wonderful friends, and a nice home. I was able to pay my bill on time and put food on my table. I always had social interaction and down time at home, and I never had to worry about a man leaving up the toilet seat. I figured I had a good life. There were people so much less fortunate than myself. I figured if the good Lord called my number today, I would have been okay. It's not like I was morbid or anything, I just appreciated everything in my life. I had my hard times and struggles. But when they were done and over, I could breathe a sigh of relief for surviving and enjoy the good in life for a while. But if I ever needed a self help book, I would steer clear of Dr. Phil. He just wasn't my cup of tea or glass of cheap wine.

When I was finished unloading all the boxes, I pulled out my journal and recorded my thoughts I had. I loved to write and keep a record of all the thoughts in my head. It always helped to clear my head when I had a thousand thoughts floating in my mind. When I was finally finished, I put my journal in my purse, turned off the sound system, and slipped my shoes on. I turned off the lights and I stopped to look around my store that I had built from the ground up. Every inch of this store told an individual story of the time and sweat I put into making my dream a reality.

Ten years later and I still loved my book store. Life was beautiful. I closed my eyes and took in the smell of the books that still lingered in the air. So many memories of my time here flooded my mind, and I smiled. From the children that smile at a happy ending from a fairy tale book, to the man who came in every week looking for a new thriller, my shop was my own glorious world. I had so many fulfilling moments and all of them were wonderful in their own recollections. My life was so richly blessed and all I could do was sigh. I thought of one of my favorite quotes that said:

"I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains".

Life was full of beauty, and in that moment I took the time to bask in the beauty. I opened my eyes and felt several tears dance down my cheeks, ending at my chin and falling to the ground in celebration of my life. I cried for all of the moments in my life that touched and left its marks on my soul. I was happy and if it all ended today, I would be grateful for all the seconds that lead to minutes that lead to the hours in a day which made up my life. I had regrets, but who didn't. We were all given our opportunities in life, and all we could do is live it to the best of our abilities.

For some reason I was feeling really reflective tonight (damn the self help section). I took in a few deep breaths and looked around once more, smiled, turned off the lights and locked the door one last time.

While locking the door to my shop, I felt a prickle on the back of my neck. I looked around and not seeing anything, chalked it up to my imagination. I began walking to my car which was parked in the alley next to my shop. All of a sudden I heard a noise behind me. I spun around again and still didn't see anything. Now I was beginning to feel scared. I picked up my pace and rounded the corner. I took my keys out of my purse again and unlocked my door. I was beyond ready to head home, I was really freaking out. All of a sudden an enormous wave of calm hit me. I felt like I was on laughing gas. All of my previous fear left my body and all that was left was euphoria. I realized my previous fears were unfounded and nothing was wrong. My life was good; my life was blessed; my life was beautiful. A smile blossomed on my lips and I sent a silent thank you into the night sky hoping it would reach the heavens and beyond. With the last thought of gladness lingering on my mind, I reached for door handle on the car and my life was . . .

Jasper's POV

(Music Selection: 'Untitled' by Simple Plan)

Everything went blank. All I could focus on was the fucking burn that seared the back of my throat. In all of my existence, I could never remember it hurting this bad. In my mind, nothing else mattered, except that heavenly smell that assaulted my nostrils. It was the most intoxicating smell, my own personal euphoria. There was nothing on this earth I could compare it to. It was instant insanity. Every sane thought escaped my head leaving behind volatile ideas. My breathing started coming in rapid bursts sending me into a whirlwind of senses. My body couldn't get enough of that alluring scent. Venom was instantly pooling into my mouth. The flow was so intense it was spilling over and running down my chin. The burn of the venom was intense where it touched my skin, but it only seem to add to the pleasure I was feeling. My eyes became midnight black and the only reaction my mind computed was to take from and feed off that most astonishing smell.

I looked across the street and found my heaven. A woman was looking around her store, taking in her surroundings. She felt so content and happy in that moment. On closer inspection, I could tell she was crying for some reason. I wondered if she could unconsciously sense my presence. I quickened my pace and crossed the street, only thinking of my gratification. I hid behind the tree that was near her store.

After exhaling one last time, my personal euphoria came out and locked the door to her shop. The turn of the lock sounded in my ears, reminding me of what was about to happen. The venom in my mouth intensified and the monster that I was slowly becoming took over a little more. My unfortunate conquest turned around and headed for her parked car. Her survival instincts erupted, halting her progress. She took in her surrounding and not noticing the danger that lurked behind the tree, brushed off her fear as a figment of her imagination. The danger that always resided in me pushed my body around the side of the tree. In my haste to follow my prey, I hit some trash on the ground and alerted her to my presence. I quickly ran behind the tree again, making sure I was completely concealed. The woman stopped in her tracks and looked around. I surreptitiously looked at her from behind the tree, and was instantly struck numb. Brown eyes captured my thoughts and reminded me of a time when the moon was full and angels were lost from heaven. Flashes of my angel infiltrated the trance my inner monster created and reminded me of a silent promise I had made. As the predator induced haze slightly cleared, my shame began to appear. My mouth opened and I inhaled to clear my head. That was the second to worst mistake I made that night. Instantly my nostrils were filled again with that all consuming scent. And sadly, all thoughts of angelic little girls ceased to exist. My monster was taking over again and the only thought consuming my mind was getting to taste the most glorious smell there ever was.

The woman finally realized the danger she was in and her fear intensified. Her pace quickened and she rounded the corner finally arriving at her car. The predator inside me had taken over and refused to let her go. I willingly followed her around the corner and saw her reach for the door handle. Within the spans of a five second eternity many thoughts entered my mind.

No matter how much I tried to fight my hunger and thirst, it seemed insurmountable. My thirst would not yield to me. The monster that resided in me wouldn't be persuaded. I had worked for six months on controlling myself and all of the work and the resistance I gained meant nothing. My inner conscience that belonged to Bella, begged and pleaded for me to return, to fight for her. My other half that was evil fought for what was natural for me, to feed off of what was right in front of me. Conflicting thoughts continued to swirl in my mind causing me to lose my grip on reason. My unconscious was at war with my conscience mind and the continuous pull was ripping to pieces what little sanity I had left.

I knew in that moment of lost sanity, I was going to fail. I cried for my lost battle and mourned for what I was about to do. My monster was in complete control and nothing could be done. There was no hope, my mind was lost to my lunacy and the monster within me rejoiced at my failure and total surrender. My submission to my fiend was complete, and Jasper, Bella's angel, was nowhere to be found, lost to the utter darkness my monster created, losing what little light remained.

I knew my prey wasn't going to live for much longer. The only think I could do for her was give her peace. My monster laughed at my humanity and called it weak. But my humanity, or the representation of it, wouldn't budge. It pushed all of the peace and serenity at her, giving her a respite from her fear.

My humanity kept hold of the monster, waiting for her to receive her last gift. As she started to calm, I silently approached her from behind and took a half of second to linger in her euphoria and innocence. My humanity silently cried as my hands reached out and snapped the neck of my prey. As a single tear of venom escaped the rim of my eyelid, the monster regained control and rejoiced in winning the final battle. My thoughts were no longer my own and any trace of what made me human ceased to exist.

...

The Monster's POV

Warm, thick blood filled my mouth. Jasper had denied me for so long. I closed my eyes and lost myself in the most exquisite taste ever. The victim knew nothing of euphoria. Her euphoria was nothing to what I was experiencing. The soothing liquid filled my mouth completely and slid down my throat like warm honey. The taste lingered in my mouth until I took another pull from the vein in her neck. Her lifeline was my ecstasy, calling for me to take of her blood and make it my own. She was nothing to me, but the best delicacy I ever sampled. Her life was no concern to me. Her blood called to me and I wasn't to be denied. As I continued to drink from my prey, I lost my thoughts to my feeding, and immersed myself completely and irrevocably. My mouth stole her blood and it warmed my body making me feel high and satisfied. Her blood was my ultimate aphrodisiac, and I reveled in my intense desire her blood provided.

As I was nearing my completion, I cried for more. I never wanted to be without this sweet nectar. I knew of nothing better and my disappointment mounted. I wanted to kill her all over again and drink her blood forever. When I took the last sip of her blood I closed my eyes and swished it around my mouth, making sure to always remember the most amazing ambrosia that existed. I slowly swallowed what remained and mourned for its completion. I was starting to lose control and I began to get angry. Jasper denied me too much and it fucking pissed me off. I growled at the thought and realized I was finished. The haze started to take over and I could feel myself being pushed into the dark recesses of Jasper's rational mind. I fought to stay in control, but he was become too strong. With one last final push I was replaced by my sane captor.

Jasper's POV

The darkness that captured me completely was starting to thin and a little light was becoming brighter. When my mind cleared of its feeding frenzy, I felt disoriented. Never before had I felt like this. I had never lost complete control of my senses and allowed my monster to take over. I shook my head to try and clear the remaining fuzz that lingered in my mind. When I began thinking rational thoughts, my first inclination was about my surroundings. Looking around I realized, I was in an ally of some sort. I wasn't quite sure how I ended up here. My thoughts were coming at me so fast I had a hard time keeping up; my mind was in a constant spin and I felt almost lightheaded. Dark flashed started to appear.

My first memory was of me walking down the street. I remembered I needed to hunt really badly. I also remembered the smell and my soul cried out for me to forget. My heart broke for what I had done and my connection with Bella wept for the loss of innocence that I captured from her. In the dark recesses of my mind I heard an echoing laugh that mocked my sadness and the things I had lost tonight. It celebrated my weakness and toasted to my pathetic existence on animal blood.

My arms felt heavy and something was pressing into my legs. Slowly, I looked down and saw a woman's broken body in my arms. Little drops of blood stained her white sundress. Her hair was completely ratted and her neck was turned at an odd angle. Her eyes were closed and a small smile grace her blue lips. Her skin temperature was colder than mine and I realized her warm blood was flowing through my cursed vein, giving my body her warmth. My heart broke again for this fallen victim, who had done nothing wrong, but owned a book store. I raised my hand and brushed her bangs to the side of her head. After running my warm fingers over her cold skin, my reality started to come into focus. My actions were starting to catch up with me and my mind was failing to keep up with the guilt I was feeling. My body collapsed and I started to gag, trying to rid myself of what I had just done.

In the next moment, I remembered her eyes, brown. Almost the same shade as Bella's. My body continued to painfully dry heave. My convulsions were serve, the gagging became more violently. I wanted to rid myself of my evil. I didn't want this woman's blood coursing through my veins. I just wanted her to be alive again. I wanted to return to a time when a little angel looked at me and only saw the good. I wanted to keep my promise to an angelic little brown eyed girl who was beautiful and brave. I needed to stop thinking of Bella. My horrible act would taint her and the memory I had of her.

My existence was long and at times very dark, but the blackness that tainted me now was beyond description. I wanted it all to end, never having to live in this black hole that was now my constant companion. After righting myself, I picked up the woman's body and cradled her in my arms. Tucking my face in her cold neck, I started to rock her back and forth. Apologies fell from my mouth and into her now deaf ear. Deep, heavy sobs took over my body. The venom that pooled in my eyes burned. There were so many tears, but no outlet.

My mind swirled and I thought of Carlisle. He spoke of his love and faith in me. He believed that there was still good in me and I knew he was wrong. All of his faith in me was tainted and I knew I didn't deserve his love anymore. Carlisle was pure and uncorrupted like Bella. I thought of her worry for me. I thought of the sadness she felt over me and I mourned at my actions once again. I thought of Alice and her devotion for me. I thought of all she sacrificed for me over the years. I thought of Esme and her amazing love she held for me. My mother loved me without fail and I had failed her tonight. I had failed all those who had faith in me, but most of all I failed in a promise I had made six short months ago.

My final consensus was easy: I was a piece of rotting shit. I was the lowest there was. Six months of progress had gone down the drain. Six months of resistance gone in an instant. Six months of a promise vanished within a moment of weakness.

I continued to rock the woman in my arms and give her my continued apologies. After about two hours, I finally started to realize I needed to move. I needed to do something with this nameless victim that lay broken and silent in my arms. I looked around and noticed she had a purse. I opened it up and took out her license. Shelly Reynolds, born August 4, 1962; she was no longer just a nameless person. She was a real person. My body wanted to gag again but I realized my time was running out. I needed to move her quickly. I wondered if she had any family. I looked in her purse again and saw a book made of brown worn leather.

I quickly pulled out the worn book and opened it; beautiful spiral penmanship filled the pages. I realized it was a journal of some sort and was probably filled with stories from her life. I glanced at the first entry and began to read the story of Shelly:

Toady was one of those days you wish you were someone else. The divorce is final. I knew it would be soon, but it still doesn't lessen the pain. I guess I am just numb at this point. I have already grieved over my lost marriage. I feel like a failure. Fifteen years, and with one sweep of my hand over a piece of paper it was over. My husband came home and informed me it was just over. I can't really blame him. We both had our problems. I was busy with my friends and book store, and he was busy with his law practice. I wonder if I was able to have kids if things would have been different. We tried for years, but to no avail. I would have loved to be a mother; to hold a child at night when they had a bad dream, help them with school work, kiss away their hurt, dance with them in the rain. I guess it just wasn't in the cards for me. Brent didn't want to adopt. I think he was just as sad about not being able to have children. He never wanted to live through the heart break again. I really couldn't blame him. After discovering we were not going to carry the titles of mommy and daddy, we grew apart. He would come home later. I never called to check in with him. We just fell apart. I don't blame him for moving on. I never gave him the emotional support he needed, because I couldn't even comfort myself. When I think back on all that happened, it is with a sad heart. It has been a year since we separated. I haven't dated that much. I guess I'm not ready. I don't want to put myself out there yet. Maybe one of these days I will be able to make that commitment again. As I write my thoughts down in this new journal I can't help but tear up. I still grieve for the life and marriage that never was meant to last. But as I promised myself earlier, I have to try. That is all we can do in this life, make mistakes, learn from them, and try not to repeat them. I will learn the lesson and apply them into my life. So when and if I ever do marry again, I know to communicate with my spouse, be there for them emotionally, and learn to solve our problems together.

So tomorrow when I wake up, I will count my blessings, open up my shop, and just try to be happy! I also need to get to the gym, but that is just between me and the pages in this book!

As I finished reading her entry, I was speechless. She seemed like an incredible woman. She suffered her own heart ache, and learned to rise above it. I had killed this amazing woman I held in my arms. If I could have traded place with her in that moment I would have, but there was nothing I could do. After reading some more in her journal, I learned she was still single and she had no living family. I wasn't really sure what to do. She had no family to give her a burial. When she went missing who would look for her?

I was so caught up in reading about the life of this amazing woman; I didn't realize dawn was fast approaching. I needed to get the hell out of town, but first I needed to do right by Shelly. I gently picked her up and placed her in the front seat of her car. I took the keys off the ground and started the engine. I pulled out of the ally and headed for the highway. I got off at the nearest exit to the forest and continued to drive. I knew there was a lake that was pretty deep not far away. After I disposed of the car, by driving it into the lake, I carried her about twenty miles north of where her car now lay submerged. In the morning sun of a new day with the sunlight filtering through the trees, I buried Shelly Reynolds. I spoke my apologies to her. I dry sobbed and asked her forgiveness for my weakness. I just talked to her for hours of my struggles and my past life. Even though I had taken her life, I wanted her to know what a fucking monster I was. She didn't deserve to be touched from a monster like me.

When I had nothing left to say, I curled up in a ball and just looked into the sky. I looked at the clouds and thought about the never ending circle of death. After lying there all day, I realized I still had Shelly's Journal clutched in my hands. I read some more of her entries and continued to grieve for the life I had taken. When I got to the last one, I saw it had been written right before she left her store.

It read:

Life is strange sometimes. A single thought can come and go into a person's head without rhyme or reason. Some are just mundane and pointless and others you will never forget. Some thoughts are to remind you that something needs to be done and other are there to remind you of the life you have and need to live. That is what happened to me tonight. Here I was just minding my own business and these strange provoking thoughts come into my head. I realized tonight how truly blessed my life has been. I have had hard times just like everyone else. I've had my problems and heart aches, but when I look at the whole of my life, the good far outweigh the bad. I've been through a divorce, I have experienced many deaths (the hardest being my parents) in my lifetime. I've never had the privilege of being a parent. Even though these are all very sad events, I wouldn't be who I am at this point in my life if I didn't experience these tragedies.

What I did get to experience was the love of a man, the love of amazing parents who always put my needs above their own, and the chance to try to be an amazing parent. I never had this clarity when I was going through these hard times. But then I always remind myself Hindsight is 20/20. I have my beautiful bookstore, the love of friends and neighbor and my health, even though I don't make it to the gym as much as I should. I can honestly say I love my life. I may not be the most perfect person, but I'm happy, and in the end that's all that really matters. I know if the Lord called me home today, I would look back on my life and smile. My life has been hard, and at times it has been easy, but above all else, it had been my own. With all of the mistakes I have made I can claim the scars that have imprinted on my body and soul. They are my battle scars and they are beautiful. They tell the story of my life and all I have accomplished. I have earned my stripes and I wear them proudly.

My life is beautiful. My life is complicated. My life is fun. My life is amazing. My life is blessed. My life is chaotic. My life is special. Above all else, my life is perfect. Never think I am some perfect, goody-stepford person. I have challenges and I make mistakes, but when I say my life is perfect, it means I am perfectly content. Of course I wish for companionship and love. I wish for children and family, but in accepting they weren't in the cards for me, I am able to be happy with my life. There are so many things I could see that are negative, but I ask myself, what will that accomplish? My honest answer to myself is absolutely nothing.

I remembered my favorite quote tonight.

"I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains" ~Anne Frank

No words could express my sentiments better. So my life is beautiful. And I take in a deep breath and sigh. A smile graces my lips and my eyes shine with my joy.

I'm not quite sure why I'm writing these thoughts, but this is what I was thinking tonight. I just wanted to write it down, so when I look at it one day when everything is going bad, I can smile. I guess that's about it. Oh yeah don't buy this cheap wine anymore, it makes you have funny thoughts.

When I finished reading, I was overcome with grief again. I was such a fucking monster. I deserved to be buried here and not her. I was suffocating. My head started spinning again. I had to get the hell away from this woman. I had to let her rest in peace. She didn't deserve me sullying her resting spot. I stood up looked down one more time and with a simple "I'm sorry" and her journal in my hands, I took off running. I ran for about an hour and realized I would have to wait until it was a little darker before I could go further. When it was about midnight I took off again. I ran and ran and when I thought I could run no further I pushed myself even more. Finally after hours of running I collapsed. I didn't know where I was. I didn't really care. Maybe if I just laid here and didn't move, I would disappear. Maybe I would wake up from this nightmare that was my life in the arms of my birth mother. She had always taken away the bad things. She made everything better. She was my hero as a child and I couldn't even remember her face. She was a blur in my waking dreams.

I had no idea how long I laid there. I didn't really care. I didn't want anything, I didn't want anyone. I was numb and had no intention of letting that go. I just didn't want to exist anymore. I heard some rustling not far from where I was lying. Whatever it was, I hoped it would end me, take me away from this horrible existence.

"Jasper!"

My life was good; my life was blessed; my life was beautiful. A smile blossomed on my lips and I sent a silent thank you into the night sky hoping it would reach the heavens and beyond. With the last thought of gladness lingering on my mind, I reached for door handle on the car and my life was . . . no more.

Author's Note Continued: This may seem like a weird ending, but I wanted to end the chapter in Shelly's words. If you read the end of her POV, her thought was never completed. I always intended to have it be the last words of the chapter. I hope you were able to feel the utter despair Jasper felt, it was a difficult chapter to write. If there is ever a time you were going to review, could you please make it this chapter? I would really love to know what you thought. Even one word reviews allow me to know.

This was one of the original scenes I envisioned with this story and I always knew it would be difficult to write. It took me a long while to finish. It went through many revisions, but turned out alright in the end (I think). So with all that being said please let me know your thoughts. Until next time . . .

PS. That part with Dr. Phil was true. I saw it a few years ago on a clip promoting his show. I know . . . there are no words! :D

Posted: 9 May 2010