Two days passed. Tony responded to Gibbs a few more times through the squeezing of Gibbs hand.
The next day Tony opened his eyes. He was alone. Gibbs had gone out for coffee. Tony's hand went to his mouth to figure out why his throat was sore. He disconnected the tube from the air supply and a deafening alarm sounded, filling the room. The nurses' station came to life as half the staff ran down the hall to Tony's room.
Amanda entered the room first and smiled when she realized that her patient was in no real danger. Tony lay staring at her the tube in his hand. He had a confused look on his face and was grateful to her, seeming to relax when she silenced the alarm.
Amanda turned to Tony. "Agent DiNozzo, you are OK. You need that tube to breathe." Amanda said gently removing the tube from Tony's hand and reconnecting the ends. "My name is Amanda, by the way."
Tony tried to smile and nod at Amanda. He tried to talk around the tube. Tony soon gave up. He was hurting too much. He had a splitting headache and his back was killing him. He was quickly exhausted by his efforts. Tony's doctor, Christine Blanks, MD., arrived in minutes of being called by the nurses' station. She assessed Tony's condition and asked Tony if he wanted the tube removed. Tony blinked his consent and Dr. Blanks removed the tube. Gibbs and the rest of the team arrived in Tony's room in time enough to see Tony consent to the tube removal and then to see it removed. The nurses checked Tony's vitals and bandages again before they left and allowed his guests to visit.
Amanda pulled Gibbs aside, remembering what Gibbs had said he would do once Tony woke up. "Don't leave him now. If Tony remembers talking to you he is going to wonder where you are and why you're not here. It will upset him more to let him think you are angry with him."
"I can't face him." Gibbs said, looking at him lying there as the rest of the team gathered around the bed. "I can't…I just can't."
"You said you loved him and you called him your son. I know he is not your biological son. I know you DO love him, deeply. As much as a father could love a child." Amanda paused. "Love is hard sometimes. People hurt each other. They disappoint each other. But the love never goes away." Amanda took Gibbs' arm, not allowing him to leave. "Tony is a good-natured, sweet man. I can see that already. I'm a very good judge of character. He is going to need you." Amanda gave him an appraising look. "Former Marines are not the easiest people to get along with. I feel like you give Anthony a run for his money."
Gibbs smiled broadly. She was right on the nose.
"See…" Amanda replied. "…I knew it. I know he gives you a hard time, too."
Gibbs looked at her, shocked.
"ALL men with green eyes are trouble, and Anthony has beautiful deep green…emerald green eyes. The deepest I've seen." Amanda stated. "The former marine, ex-husband has green eyes." Amanda said smiling at Gibbs and left the room.
Gibbs stood and looked at his team. Tony had closed his eyes and Abby and Kate were on either side of him holding his hands. They were talking animatedly to each other. Ducky and McGee were also on either side of the bed. Jenny stood at the end of the bed. Gibbs took the opportunity and slipped away, knowing this may be the last time he ever saw Tony. Gibbs pulled up in front of his house. He sat for several minutes in the car. He was very, very grateful that Tony was awake, that went without saying. As he sat in the car he felt his depression lift.
The weight that Gibbs' guilt had placed on him slowly began to lift. It wasn't gone. Tony was just opening his eyes. No one knew if he was the same old Tony. No body even knew if he could talk. Gibbs doubted himself now. All those questions he had asked. What if Tony wasn't really responding to his questions? What if it WAS all muscle contractions? Tears filled his eyes at this realization. Gibbs sat in his car and cried. When his tears had almost stopped he left the car and entered his home. He locked the door for the first time in years, not from fear of burglary or theft, but from his emotional vulnerability. He moved through his house with stealth and precision, never needing to turn on a light. He even did his nightly rituals in the dark before entering his bedroom to go to bed. Gibbs collapsed into his bed, feeling how truly tired he was from his month-long vigil. He was clad only in a pair of gym shorts and had a fitful sleep.
Gibbs awoke with a start. Was it morning? The sound was familiar, the same sound Tony's body made when it hit his basement floor. But how could he hear it on the second floor of his house? Surely the noise couldn't carry that far. It brought on a brief feeling of nausea. He had heard that sound in his dreams for almost a month, but somehow this was different.
Gibbs rose out of his bed as quietly as he could. He looked at his gun on the nightstand and thought about taking it. But he knew that the gun would be useless. He carefully and quietly descended the steps and stopped at the bottom, on the first floor, and tried to pick up sound or some direction. His feet, however, automatically carried him to his basement door. Gibbs paused, the old feelings now coming back. He stood for a moment trying to decide what to do. Then he heard it, someone was sanding! Someone was in his basement sanding at, Gibbs looked at his watch, at 3:25 a.m. Gibbs opened the door and stepped onto the landing. He was surprised to see the railing intact.
"Boss." The voice of the sander drifted up to him.
"Tony?" Gibbs asked. He paused for just a moment before descending the stairs.
Tony made a wide open-armed gesture, than returned to sanding. "One and the same."
"You're in the hospital?" Gibbs asked, stopping at the bottom of the stairs and then sitting down mindless of the coldness of the room or the cement floor.
"Yep." Tony said paying particular attention to a nasty knot in the rib he was sanding.
"But, you're here?" Gibbs asked.
"Yep." Tony replied simply.
"What, no movie references? No jokes?" Gibbs inquired.
"Skull fractures and concussions don't tend to aid cognitive skills." Tony said, turning and looking at Gibbs.
"O.K…: Gibbs said slowly. "…but…."
"I am not talking to you from 'the great beyond…" Tony paused and thought for a second. "Oh, it was Butterfly, Firefly, some sort of fly. See what I mean about cognitive skills, starring Kevin Costner. The wife dies. Anyway, SHE had a message from beyond the grave. He was to be a dad, a baby girl. He didn't even know she was pregnant." Tony recognized Gibbs' impatient look. "Of course, there are some major differences."
"Some?" Gibbs asked.
"Well, I'm too young for Costner's character. You're to ol…, too old school. I meant to say, too military." Tony said, recovering quickly.
"So, if you're here…." Gibbs looked at Tony intently. He paused. "How can you be in two places at once?"
"You have been carrying me, your guilt, with you EVERYWHERE you go for a month. I was bound to manifest somewhere." Tony said. He brushed the sawdust off his pants and sat down on the boat frame. "This…" Tony gestured to the basement room. "…was as good a place as any."
"I'm sorry."
Tony smiled. "I pushed you."
Gibbs nodded. "Yes, you did. You always do. I just shouldn't have pushed back."
"What happened to me was an accident, Gibbs."
"I was angry, Tony."
"So was I." Tony stated. "As horrible as it was. As much pain as I was in and am in…. It was an accident."
"I can't accept that."
Tony sighed. "Stop being the poster child for guilt. It wasn't you."
"Then who."
"Nobody Boss, I was angry. You were angry. You're a bastard…the second B in Gibbs. I'm an insufferable 30-something child. It was bound to happen."
"Really?" Gibbs said, still seated on the bottom step.
"Sure, the unstoppable force, me, meets the immovable object, you."
Gibbs smiled, the description was quite accurate. "Well, unstoppable force…" Gibbs said standing and ascending the stairs. "…get back to the hospital and get some rest."
"On it, Boss." Tony said as his voice and his image faded.
Gibbs went to the landing and looked down at his empty basement. He turned off the light, returned to bed and slept till morning.
Gibbs woke up feeling relieved, than he remembered. He and Tony had resolved nothing and his relief faded. Thoughts of selling his house and the deep dark thoughts of depression and suicide returned.
Gibbs always though himself a strong person. This past month had proven he was anything but. He was weak. He was vulnerable and he hated it. Sure, he cared for the rest of the team. Abby was special. Ducky was a dear old friend. McGee was a bright, intelligent young agent with HUGE potential, perhaps even director of NCIS. And Kate, well Kate was Kate. She brought her own set of experience, challenges, and limitations to the job, as did they all.
But Tony, Gibbs sighed, Tony was special, very special. He LOVED Tony, that was the difference. Tony was his adopted son. Not just because he felt bad for the childhood Tony had endured, though it was horrible. Gibbs did feel bad for him, very bad, angry-to-the-point-of-strangling-Tony's-father-angry. There was something about Tony that was genuine, sweet, and innocent. His personality was genuine; he put on airs for no one. It was sweet and innocent, too. He accepted people easily. He didn't doubt people unless they gave him a reason to. If he liked you, you knew it. If he didn't, you knew that too.
All this reminded Gibbs of himself before Shannon's and Kelly's deaths, before he had decided the world was a bad place. Before he decided everyone had an agenda. He missed the man he used to be and sometimes, a lot more lately, he hated the man he had become.