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I Am Not Perfect

Part Seven

Jasper's POV (Music Selection: "Breathing Hope")

"Jasper!"

Why was I hearing my name on the wind? Why would anyone want to even utter my name? It meant nothing but heart ache to those who came into my life. It meant murder and destruction. I was like this virus that infected people, bringing them down, taking away all that was good and precious in their life. No matter how much they tried to get rid of me, it didn't help. Eventually I would destroy them, leaving nothing in my wake but grieving and great sorrow.

My mind continued to think of the possibilities of who would want to be near me. Maybe it was the ghost of my mother, coming back to tell me what a disappointment I was. At least on that we could agree. Maybe it was my angel coming to tell me how I had let her down, and how I couldn't even keep a simple promise to a little child. I wished with my broken, cursed soul that it wasn't her. She never needed to see me like this. I would never want her to be scared of me. I was the loser. I was the failure who couldn't even overcome his demon.

'Please, angel, please don't let it be you.' my mind screamed over and over again.

"Jasper, can you hear me?" I heard the whisper again. Why couldn't it leave me and allow me to simply disappear? I wasn't sure if it was my imagination or not, but it was better off without me. It needed to get far away before it became affected. I didn't want anyone else's life to be ruined or tainted by my ugliness.

"Please, just leave me," I whispered aloud, pleading with something to just go away. If it had any sense then it would save itself and allow me to drown in my transgressions.

"Jasper, son, I need you to answer me. Could you please answer me?" Was it really Carlisle? How did he know where I was? How was he able to find me? Where was I in the first place?

When my mind started to clear from the confusion, I started thinking he needed to get away from me. I needed Carlisle to be fine and never infested by my ugliness. He had to leave.

I raised my head and looked into the face of my mentor. His features showed total devastation and I was the root cause to the problem. He was really here and not a figment of my fucked up imagination. He was really here and being affected by me.

"Carlisle," I whispered, my voice rough with many emotions clogging it. I was on the verge of breaking. "You need to leave. Please, just go. I don't want you here." I needed him to understand how toxic I was.

"Son, please talk to me. I'm here for you!" What the hell was he thinking, didn't I just tell him to leave? I knew he wasn't hard of hearing, so why wasn't he listening?

"Carlisle, you need to leave. Get up and go home. I don't want you anywhere near me. Please, if you know what is good for you, just leave!" Why did he not understand me? He was a doctor; he should have been able to understand me.

"Jasper, I'm not going anywhere. You need me. I need to be here with you. I need you, Jasper; you are my son!" Carlisle pleaded. Tears were already coating his amber eyes.

"I'm not your son! I'm a monster! A fucking monster who slaughters innocent people! Do you hear me, a fucking monster, a good for nothing fucking poison! Leave, Carlisle, before you are also tainted by me. Get the hell away from me!" I yelled at him.

He had to leave and fast. I could feel myself weakening. I could feel myself wanting his acceptance and love. I could feel myself wanting his sorrow for me. I wanted him to place his arms around his son and take away my pain that was almost too much to bear. I wanted him to understand what I had gone through. I wanted him to understand that I had tried to resist, but the call of her blood was too much, and I was too weak.

Most of all, I wanted to take back what I had done, but life didn't work like that. I wasn't a child whose father could fix everything with a simple hug. Shelly was dead and it was entirely my fault. I was so pathetic.

"You're not a monster, Jasper; you are a person with weaknesses. You are a person who just gave into that weakness. You made a very tragic mistake you will have to live with, but you are not a monster!"

He had to be kidding. Did he honestly believe what he just said? I mocked-laughed at him and his naivety. He just looked at me with sadness and love. He had to leave, I was just too pathetic, and getting mad by his acceptance of me. Every thought I had seemed like a contradiction. I wasn't sure how much more my already battered soul could take.

"Did you not understand me? I AM A FUCKING MONSTER! Try telling Shelly I just made a mistake. Oh wait, you can't because she is dead. Do you know why, Carlisle, because I took her life. I snapped her neck and then drank from her. I fucking sank my teeth into her broken neck and drank from her!"

"Jasper," Carlisle whispered. Pleading with me for something I wasn't able to give him.

"No, Carlisle, just leave. Leave before I taint your life. Just leave!" Carlisle just knelt before me. When he reached out, I immediately cringed and backed up. Why was he not leaving? He was pure and didn't need these horrible images of my haunting monster in his head. He didn't need to be defiled by my touched. As he started to speak again, I completely lost it. All of the pressure of my sins built up and needed to be released. I was a bomb and my fuse was down to the last. There was nothing I could do but explode. Carlisle was the intended victim because of his proximity to me.

"JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME, CARLISLE! I CANNOT TELL YOU IN PLAINER ENGLISH! LEAVE BEFORE I CONTAMINATE YOU TOO. DO YOU WANT TO BE STAINED WITH MY SINS?

"DO YOU WANT A DETAILED PLAY BY PLAY OF HOW I KILLED SHELLY? DO YOU WANT ME TO BEG FOR YOUR FORGIVENSS?"

"DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THAT WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE ALL I WANT TO DO IS DIE AND NEVER POLLUTE SOMEONE ELSE OR WORSE, KILL THEM?"

"DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THAT I'M A GOOD FOR NOTHING FUCKING COWARD WHO COULDN'T EVEN CONTROL HIS OWN THRIST, SOMETHING HIS FAMILY HAS NO PEOBLEM DOING?"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME CARLISLE? WHAT DO YOU WANT? JUST GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

"LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!" I screamed over and over again, pounding my fist into the ground, "LEAVE! Leav . . ." My voice finally broke from the enormous amount of emotions and strain.

I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't control my emotions anymore. I completely crumbled to the ground. Dry sobs shook my body so hard I thought I would break apart at any moment. Every dead muscle in my body hurt! Every sound that assaulted my ears split my head.

Then I felt him pick me up and put me in his lap. He began to rock me like a little child that hurt himself. Carlisle whispered in my ear, trying to sooth me the only way he knew how.

"My son, I love you! Do you hear me, Jasper? I don't care what you do or how many times, you are my son. From the first moment you came into my life, I loved you. I watched you struggle with this life. I watched you try to become a better person. I watched, my son. I watched and I loved every part of you!"

Carlisle ran his fingers through my hair as he continued to speak in my ear, giving me the comfort I so desperately needed, but didn't deserve.

"Jasper, please listen when I tell you we all make mistakes. I may have never killed someone because of my thirst, but I also killed. Some of our kind say that what we are is a gift, but I'm not really sure. We may have eternal life, but that doesn't mean it is a gift. I didn't ask to be turned into what I am, but I was. So I had to make a decision. My father raised me to believe life was sacred and something to be cherished. When I was given this existence, my belief system didn't change; I still felt the same, as I do today. So I had a choice to make about my eating habits. I choose not to take human life for my nourishment. I didn't want to kill anyone and feed from them. You see, my son; I refused to take a human life. I tried to kill myself, but it didn't work. Not until those deer crossed my path, did I find any hope in this existence, any reason to continue at all. I learned I was able to survive by not feeding off of humans, and learning to exist off the blood of animals."

He took a moment to recapture his thoughts. My harsh and frantic breathing was slowing down.

"Just because I feed off of animals doesn't mean I never took a human life. All you have to do is look at Edward, Esme, Rose, and Emmett. I took their lives and turned them. It was my choice and I have to live with those decisions every day. Some days I struggle with what I did, and other times I can almost live with my decisions, but I am thankful for my family. No one is perfect, Jasper. I am not perfect. I made mistakes and I will continue too. It is human, or in our case, vampire nature. Just because we are vampires, doesn't make us exempt from mistakes. Some days I look at Edward and watch his eternal struggle with what I did to him. Those are my worst days. I also have to watch Rose struggle with this life. I know if she were given the choice to be human again she would choose it within a second, regardless of her love for Emmett. I took away her choice, because I wanted to save her.

However, none of my rationalizations matter. I have to live with my choices. What I am trying to say is, yes you did a terrible thing and will you have to find peace with it. But my love for you, that will never leave. You are stuck with it forever, I'm afraid. Too bad, I am not the most happening person on the block, or something of that nature."

No matter how many times I talked with Carlisle, or how many times I was in his presence, he amazed me. The amount of compassion this man had for me was unfathomable. His love for me was staggering. I was in complete awe of my mentor and confidant.

I always wanted to be like Carlisle, and now I understood why. He loved everything and everyone, even those who wronged him. He was beyond my comprehension. Even though I could feel his emotions of love, understanding and forgiveness, didn't mean I could empathize with him. Until I lived his life and experienced his faults, I would never comprehend him.

My sobs subsided and my body trembling slightly stopped. Carlisle still held onto me, combing his finger in my curly hair. I could feel myself coming out of my shock, and the numbness had all but disappeared with my outburst.

"Carlisle, thanks," my voice croaked, "I don't know when or how, but I promise I will make this up to you. I swear! I always want to be like you. Thank you" I sighed and rubbed my eyes like a little child after taking a nap; the venom burning my fingers.

"You have nothing to make up to me, son," he whispered in my ear. "You also have nothing to prove. I already told you I'm proud of you. I will keep telling you until you either believe me or your ears fall off!"

I slightly chucked at his statement. Leave it to Carlisle to give me compassion laced with humor at a time like this. He was one of a kind.

"I rather I just believed you, I am rather attached to my ears. And I do believe, it's just hard to understand why. I have been nothing but a failure. I tried, but that doesn't even matter anymore."

"Jasper, what did I tell you on the phone the last time we spoke? I told you are worth it. I told you that you have so much strength in you. We all struggle and we will all continue to struggle. What matters is what you do after you make those mistakes. You can either disregard them, or learn from them. You also have to realize it is perfectly natural for our kind to feed off humans. They are our natural food source, but we as a family choose not to. Every day you sustain from them is a miracle, Jasper; each is a life saved. You were never taught our way, not until much later in your life. You have had a disadvantage compared to the rest of the family. You lived a life full of war. I cannot imagine the things you were forced to do or witnessed, but I admire you for taking yourself out of that situation. You were given a choice, and you did what was best for you. I am proud of the success you have made, and I will continue to be proud of the successes you achieve.

I know it seems difficult now, my son, but always remember, a new day will start soon and you get a clean slate. You can start over and start again. You know what Scarlett said, 'after all tomorrow is another day'. Even though she was a complete brat, she came to realize we can become better. You are going to do amazing things, my son. I don't need to have Alice's gift to know. You have so much strength, you have so much character, and you have the will and determination to reach your goals."

Again I was amazed by my father's words. I was so blessed to have his wisdom and his experiences. Most of all, I was blessed to have his eternal love. I promised myself right then and there, I would do better. I would overcome my blood lust. I would no longer skip hunting. I would do all that I could do to be better. I would make Carlisle proud for a reason other than just being his son. I would earn his respect again. I also remembered my promise I made to Bella. I was glad things ended differently with her. I truly would have died if I killed an innocent child. I didn't even want to fathom such a thought. I would find some way to keep my promise to her, and never let her down.

"Thanks, Carlisle! I want you to know I love you also. I know I fucked up, but I will be better. I promise I will do better. I will make this up to you and will always make you proud. That is a son's promise to his father!"

"I know, Jasper. You will make it." He quickly hugged me. "Okay, now let's go hunting because I think you need to. It has been about four days since you have fed."

I couldn't believe it had been that long since ending Shelly's life. I knew there would always be a whole in me for killing her, but I would try and do better for her. Carlisle was right about tomorrow being a new day, fresh with no mistakes. I was nowhere near over with what I had done to her, but I had to start somewhere. With the love and help of my mentor, I would try and accomplish my goals.

I stood up and stretched my body. I felt pretty weak and drained. It had been an emotional hell. I knew I would continue to struggle with the mistakes I had made. It would be a part of me forever.

"Are you ready, son? I thought we could go hunting and then go to the house we have here in Maine. After that, we can decide what to do. Okay?"

"I had no idea I was in Maine. I just ran and ended up here. Did Alice tell you where to find me?"

"Yes, and I am glad she did. But don't worry, I told her in no uncertain terms that she wasn't to tell anyone. Edward might find out, but if he does, I'll put him straight too. Don't worry about them, they don't want to feel my wrath; just concentrate on you right now. "

"Thanks, Carlisle, I'll try. Now let's go hunting."

"Sure, son. Oh, and please try to remember, I don't care how old you are, if you ever use that language with me again or talk to me in the manner you did, there will be consequences. I hope I have made myself clear for the final time on this issue." And he was serious. We knew when not to mess with Carlisle.

"Yes, father, sir!" I saluted. "Good, as long as we understand each other. Now let's go get us some fucking dinner. And if you tell Esme I said the word 'fucking' I will deny everything!"

Author's Note: I was going to add more, but I like where I left it. I didn't want to take anything away from Carlisle and Jasper's heart to heart moment, and I thought it was sufficient without a cliff hanger. I hope you liked it. Let me know what you thought, if you feel so inclined.

Firstly, thanks to all those who have taken the time to read this story. Secondly, thanks to those who have added me to their favorites and alerts, you really know how to make a person feel proud. And lastly, to all of you who reviewed, you are simply amazing. The reviews were all over the spectrum. They were wonderful, funny, heartfelt, long, short, beautiful, and so very, very thoughtful.

Posted: 15 May 2010

Edited: 20 May 2011