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The Only Words I Know

Part Eight

Jasper's POV

After Carlisle and I finished hunting, we headed to the house we had in Maine. It actually wasn't far from where I ended up. The house was located in the town of Millinocket. The hospital, Millinocket Regional Hospital, served the regions healthcare needs. Carlisle had worked there when it had first opened in 1952. He was proud to have been one of the first doctors to have helped establish a hospital in the area. We were also proud of him.

Our house was located twenty miles out of the town. It was surrounded by 30 acres of land (what can I say, we like our privacy). When Carlisle and I arrived at the house, we opened it up to let it air out. After cleaning it out thoroughly and getting things in order, we settled on the back deck that faced the lake. I loved the views the property afforded. The deck faced Mt. Katahdin and the vistas were sublime.

I thought of the time the family spent here. Luckily, I didn't have any negative experiences associated with this house. I remembered times with Esme laughing while working in the garden. I remembered times with Alice and me making love on the shores of the lake while the rest of the family went out hunting. I remembered Edward playing his piano for Esme when she requested it. I also remembered Emmett and Rose having hot sex on the deck, thinking everyone was away. That was Emmett's fucking story, but I know he is a closeted exhibitionist. He wanted everyone to witness his adroitness. Esme had really let them have it. As Carlisle and I continued to watch the rest of the sun fall behind the horizon, my thoughts swirled around what was next.

"So, Carlisle, what's next? How long are you planning on staying?" I asked him, almost afraid to know the answer. I feared his leaving.

"I was planning on staying a few weeks. I considered you and I could use some solo time. I know I would like to be here with you right now. However, it depends on you, son," he explained to me, watching the sun as it finally disappeared. Twilight was soon to follow.

"What do you mean a few weeks? I thought you had to be at the hospital. I know how much they rely on you heavily. I don't want to take you away from something as important!" Shame coursed through me. I was over a hundred years old and still needed my "father" to hold my hand.

"Jasper, you are important me, more so than a hospital," he implored softly. He still continued to watch the silhouette of the mountains. Perhaps he was giving me some sense of strength. "Yes there are sick people, and they depend on be, but there is nothing in this world more important to me than my family. You, Esme, Alice, Edward, Rose, and Emmett are the most important aspects to me. Never doubt your place in my in my heart, son. I would do anything for my family!"

"Thanks, Carlisle. I feel like those are the only words I know anymore." That was the absolute truth, and I pushed it towards Carlisle. "You've done so much for me. Not just today, but since I came into your life. You never questioned Alice and me showing up. You simply accepted us with open arms. I'm not sure if I would have reacted the same way. It just goes to show the differences between you and me. It's like comparing water and oil: something pure compared to something that can cause massive devastation." I scoffed at how pathetic I truly was.

"Jasper," Carlisle huffed out of mock aggravation. I cracked a tiny grin. "I thought we had discussed this. I love you." He turned serious, now looking to me. His eyes implored to see, not only feel the truth. "You bring much joy into my life, son. I wouldn't trade you for anyone. So please, let's not talk about this depressing topic anymore. Let us sit here and enjoy the nature around us. Enjoy the time with your old man." I laughed out loud this time.

"I would hardly call you old, Carlisle, just wise." My mentor looked at me as if silently saying 'are you fucking kidding me'. "Well what I meant to say is with your age comes knowledge that the rest of us adhere to and value."

"Thank you, son. I live to please my family. I love each one of you for what you bring into my life. Emmett brings joy and laughter no matter the situation. He gives joviality to the family. He is like a big child that has so much unconditional love. He loves Rose and would do anything to make her happy. He may speak out of turn at times, but he means well. Alice brings happiness to everyone and everything she touches. She puts her family first and always wants to help where she can. She is also a little tyrant at times, but I love her regardless. She keeps us impeccably fashionable and is always on the lookout for something that might harm her family. Alice is a bundle of energy that keeps us going in hard times. Rose is simply beautiful. She is also very complicated to understand. Her experiences before she was turned made her hard, but that is her exterior. On the inside, she is insecure like others, maybe even more so. She hides behind her mask of indifference. She is fiercely loyal to those she loves. She has a beautiful heart that wants to love. She loves her family, she may not show it sometimes, but I know it is always there." Carlisle stopped and took an unneeded breath.

"Esme is my heart. She is the heart of the family. She only wants me and her children to be happy. Esme surrounds herself with beautiful things, her children, her flowers, and her different designs. Esme is mother earth; she brings everyone to life with her love and compassion." . . .

"Edward, hmm, very complicated. He was my first companion, was there for me in my times of loneliness. Edward also sees himself as a monster, but he isn't. Edward – like Rose – never wanted this life. He thinks he has no soul, but I don't believe it. He is beautiful, not just physically, but internally. Edward needs to learn how to loosen up some. He can be too crotchety at times." We both laughed at the understatement. "Even when Edward went through his rebellion, I loved him, Jasper. He needed to make his own decisions and mistakes in life. And when he finally came home, I didn't love him any less. What Edward chose to do was up to him, and just like you, he will have to live with his choices." He pushed his love to me, wanting me to feel his love and acceptance.

"And lastly, but certainly not least, is my strength." I couldn't hold his eye contact as he spoke. I would have embarrassed myself. "That's what you are to me, Jasper." I wanted to break down at his heartfelt words. "Emmett may be physically stronger than the rest of us, but after everything you've experienced and as many times as it brought you down, you didn't take it. You rose above it. It may have taken you a while to realize it, but you did. Your experiences and encounters in life have made you the being you are today. Your knowledge is different than others, son, but no less valuable. You are an important part of the family. Each member has their place. We may switches roles sometimes, but we all fit. Do you understand, Jasper?" Of course I did; Carlisle loved each of us individually and as a collective whole. We each brought something to our family puzzle.

"I comprehend what you're saying. Do you know what you represent?" Carlisle just shook his head.

"You are the glue, which holds the puzzle pieces together when it is complete. You never judge us. When we do something wrong, you love us just the same. You may not understand our choices, but you stand by us nonetheless. You are our example and our leader. When times get troublesome, like they are for me right now, you hold us together. You give the wisdom and the knowledge we need. You give the support and encouragement we need to do better. You sustain and uphold us. You are our center and example. You're a loving father, husband, and friend, filling our lives in different ways. You are my mentor and counselor. You are my father. So tell me, Carlisle, do you understand?" I repeated his question.

Carlisle looked like as if he was going to cry. His eyes were glassy, reflecting my likeness at me. He lifted his hand and placed it on my face. He looked into my eyes and nodded.

"Thank you, Jasper, you'll never know what those words mean to me. They touched me deeply, son. I will never forget this time and this moment with you. I love you," he murmured. He then leaned in and kissed my forehead. When he pulled back, he simply turned in his seat and looked out at the view again. Twilight had befallen us.

…

The next three weeks flew by. Carlisle and I had a companionable time together. He was a balm to my soul. He helped me to see what I had done was a tragic mistake. After much talking and explaining my horrible sin to him, he helped me to see that Shelly was indeed my singer, the situation had been unfortunate.

"From what you have told me, Jasper, I would assume that Shelly was your singer." What the hell was he taking about?

"I don't understand. What is a singer?" It was a concept I never heard of.

"Well as you know, each person's blood has a different scent and different flavor to us. Each individual person's blood calls to us in a different way. Shelly's blood, simply put, was the strongest aphrodisiac to you – not in the sexual connotation – but in terms of the influence it held over you. When we come upon our singer, their blood calls to us. It begs to be swallowed, to nourish us. There is nothing else like it, nothing can rival its taste, nothing else will ever rival its taste; it is complete perfection. You also have to remember, Jasper, you hadn't fed the previous day. I'm not sure what would have happened if you had, but I would guess the outcome would have been the same. I'm not saying you aren't strong enough," he clarified, not wanting to offend me. "I'm just saying the call of your singer's blood was infinitely stronger. Maybe if you had learned more resistance in your earlier years it would have been different. However that is speculation. One can never know, not even Alice. It happened, son, and c'est la vie. You will learn from this experience. You will continue to grieve this experience, but above all, it will make you stronger."

Carlisle helped me to put things into perspective. It would never excuse what I had done, but it helped me to accept it a little more. He helped me to take the incident and grow from it. I had never heard of a singer before. I felt bad that Shelly had to be mine. I never wanted to have to deal with that type of pull again. I couldn't really explain what it felt like. No matter how much I pulled or fought against her pull, the song of the blood was stronger. I never wished that on anyone.

Carlisle and I also hunted a lot. We had fun tasting moose, the local deer, some bear, and when lucky, a lynx. I tried not to eat too many of those, wanting to respect their small number; they were rare, but they were fucking good. Carlisle taught us to respect the environment and flow of life. It had a delicate balance we didn't want to disturb. After one evening of hunting, we had started a little game.

"Hey, Carlisle, I dare you to try a beaver," I joked with him. I didn't really think he would do it. I could feel his contemplative nature before he answered.

"Alright, but if I do you have to try a raccoon." I really had no desire to, but I figured if he tried beaver, I could man up.

"Fine, you have yourself a bet, old man." When we finally found one Carlisle dug in. With the first taste, he started to flip.

"That is some nasty shit. Fuck man, never again!" Carlisle yelled. That shit was too funny. His face was classic. I couldn't help but laugh my ass off.

"Keep laughing, ass, it's your turn." He smiled, letting me know it was time to man up. After we found a raccoon, I was sorry I ever brought it up.

"That shit is just rank." I tried not to become sick. "I would rather starve next time!" I yelled. Carlisle just smirked.

"I told you, bitch." I snickered at my "father's" pet name. "Maybe next time you will think before recommending these culinary delights," Carlisle joked with me. Damn he could be funny.

I loved Carlisle when he was like this: just one of the boys. He loosened up and swore like a trucker. Those times were rare, and I cherished them. It was also a good thing Esme hadn't attended; she would have had a heart attack if she heard his language. Perhaps he would be sleeping in his study for a while. Regardless, he was just fun. We continued our game of 'if you do this I'll do that'. Over the weeks we sampled the nastiest shit there was: red squirrel, chipmunk, otter, but probably the worst was mink and muskrat. I had to take down a wolf after that little nasty bitch. I could still taste it if I thought about it (nasty little fuckers). Who would have guessed that the refined doctor cursed like a sailor and sampled such delights as weasel and porcupine?

Carlisle and I read and discussed our favorite books; we swam, played pool, watched different time piece movies, and just relaxed. But for the majority of the time, Carlisle helped me to heal. When I needed a shoulder to rely on, he was there. When I needed confidence, he gave it to me. When I needed to talk and vent, he simply listened. When I needed his love, he gave it unceasingly. He was the perfect companion. I knew when he left it would be difficult. I had come to depend on him for so much. He became one of my best friends. It was one of the main reasons that I wanted to start my journey alone, and without the presence of my family. I loved them unfathomably, but it was something I needed to do on my own. Crutches had only stabilized me for a time.

Out time together passed in the blinking of an eye, and before either of us realized, our last night was upon. It was time for Carlisle to leave for good. At least until I was ready to rejoin the Cullen's as an equal member of the family. I was finished being a hindrance.

"If you need me, son, just call and I will be here. You better remember that," he implored adamantly. He was not kidding.

"I will!" I reassured him. "I know you would be here at the drop of a hat, and I'm thankful for that, more than you'll ever know." I half-smiled at him

"I think we are of one accord, then. So as long as we are clear: no being a martyr." He gave me a stern look, which meant business. "You know your limits and your strengths. You can do anything you set your mind to, and I know that I sound like a greeting card, but I am implicit with every word I speak."

"Not at all, you sound like a caring father who wants the best for his child."

"Good," And just like that the mood was lightened. "I'm not really sure what I am going to do when I get back home. It seems as if I've been on vacation for three weeks. I'm not sure if I will even remember how to do my job. I do know, however, Esme is excited to see me. She was talking about all of the new positions she wants to try out. Supposedly, found some sex book in Rose and Emmett's room –"

'No, No, NO,' my mind screamed. That shit was going to scar me for life.

"Damn it, DAD!" I shouted. "That shit was just too much information. I am going to have to bleach my mind now. Please, never tell me about your sexual experiences with Esme. She is like a mother figure to me. If you want to talk about you and someone else, I might be able to handle it, but never Esme. I'm glad you still love each other unconditionally and practice the fine art of 'lovemaking' (trying not to vomit), but enough is enough." I shuddered. I loved them and I was happy they were so in love, but there were some things children shouldn't know about their parents' relationships, no matter how natural it was.

"Well there was this one time at band camp, this bear came and . . ." He could be absolutely funny when he wanted to.

"I never knew you were an aficionado of sexual teen comedies. Please tell me you haven't experienced with Esme's apple pies," I begged, fear dripping from my words. I would be beyond help if the answer was yes.

"Don't be absurd, Jasper. I may know how to loosen up, but there is a limit to my openness. That particular activity may have been done by one of your siblings and found out by Esme. That is all I will say about that hell of a nightmare. I can still hear the screams," Carlisle finished on a whisper, shuddering at his memory. All I could think was thank goodness for small miracles.

"No need for more details. I already know who would do such a thing." I was just glad I hadn't found Emmett.

The rest of the night passed without incident. We went hunting again and just relaxed before he left. We talked about my plans and what I wanted to accomplish. We talked about the possibility of my return to the family, but I wasn't ready for that, no matter how much Esme begged me. I just couldn't face her and everyone else, at least not yet. My heartache and shame were still too great.

Carlisle helped me to set acceptable goals to work toward. I would only move onto the next phase when I felt ready. He explained to me that if I needed to back-track a step there was no shame. I had to do what was right and comfortable for me. Lastly, I showed Carlisle what had become my greatest treasure: Shelly's journal. It was so insightful and filled with many riches. I let Carlisle read it and he said Shelly sounded like a good woman. I knew she was. I showed him one of my favorite entries

"Today was one of those trying days. Today was one of those days you question everything about life. What am I doing here? Does God really exist? What is my purpose in this life? Why am I alive? These were the bad day; days where you questioned who was there to live for. I had a terrible day at work and then came home to a lonely house. It was so quiet her sometimes. At times, I missed the noise Brent would make while working in the garage. I thought about the day that seemed to end my marriage.

Brent and I had gotten back from the doctor's office. While we were there, my doctor proceeded to tell us that we couldn't have children. Hearing him voice my fears aloud was a whole other experience. My hopes were completely crushed. My life seemed to have no purpose anymore. I grieved in that moment for something I never had, except a lost dream.

I had always wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be able to rock my child to sleep. I wanted to teach my child the love I had for books. I wanted to teach him or her how to ride a bike. I wanted to put my child in the corner when they needed to be punished, kiss them when it was over, teaching them that every action has consequences, teaching them that even though they got in trouble didn't lessen my love for them. I wanted to walk my child to school for the very first time and wipe the tears as they embarked on their first solo adventure. I wanted to talk about love and how beautiful it could be. I wanted to teach my child about the bird and the bees, and experience all the awkwardness a parent feels. I wanted to be there when they asked their father why he had" a thing" hanging between his legs and what its purpose was. I wanted to have those embarrassing pictures to show their future spouses. I wanted to be their when they got their first best friend, their first crush, and their first kiss. I wanted to be there for all the awkward moments and all the funny ones. I wanted to be there in their moments of despair and moments of grief. I wanted to hug and kiss them when they were at their highest and lowest points. I wanted to explain that even though life may throw them a curve ball, it wouldn't always be bad. You had to learn to take the good with the bad, that's just how life is.

I wanted to teach my children the meaning of life and how sacred it was. I wanted to teach them the importance of an education and applying oneself. I wanted to watch as they walked out the door for their first date. I wanted to watch Brent threaten the boy with Butch, his sod off shotgun, if he harmed a hair on his daughter's head (that's even if we had a girl). I wanted to watch them get ready for prom and graduation. I wanted to sit in the audience and watch them flush with their accomplishments. I wanted to witness their face when they got into the college of their choice and left home for the first time. I wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I wanted to watch my child get married. I wanted to watch their face light up with the love they felt for their spouse. I wanted to see them commit to the person they chose to spend their forever with. And most of all, I wanted to hold my grandchild in my arms, doing everything all over again with the next generation.

I never realized all the dreams I had for one child. It stands to reason, one never know what one has until it's lost. I had all these dreams and wishes, and they vanished with a simple Doctor's visit. He explained our other options, but Brent didn't really seem interested, and that was that.

I'm not sure what brought on this sad mood. Usually I can shake off the gloom. But some days no matter how much one try to be happy, it just isn't there. And no matter how many happy thoughts one has, it doesn't change anything. But then again, it's just like my mother always said, "Tomorrow is a new day without any mistakes. When you go to sleep at night, thank the Lord for what he gave you; say sorry for all your shortcomings, and go to bed. The new day will be there to greet you when you awake. Then get up and live your new day!" That woman was always too smart for her own good.

That is exactly what I planned on doing. I know tomorrow will be another day. And if tomorrow is just as hard as today, then I will wait for the next one to come because there will be a good day in there somewhere.

I would live my life. And that was all there was to it. Mama was always right.

PS. Don't forget to go to the gym tomorrow; I heard working out make one feel better. I bet that was just a myth some health nut conjured in his or her mind. Just joking . . ."

Shelly amazed me. Even on her hard days, she would try and see the positive. She knew life gave you lemons, but it never deterred her. She made lemonade, or as she said "I personally like to cut them up and eat them with salt, or take them with a strong shot." She was just incredible.

…

The next morning after a quick hunt, I took Carlisle to the airport to catch his flight. It would be strange without him, but I would be okay. Carlisle gave me what had I needed, and the rest was up to me. He couldn't be my crutch forever. I had already experienced that with Alice and Edward, I didn't want to go back to that kind of life. I was ready to take responsibility for myself, once and for all.

As I hugged Carlisle at the gate he whispered in my ear, "Remember, my son, I love you. I am proud of you. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. If you need me, at anytime, you get your fucking ass on the phone and call. Don't make me worry like last time. I need to know you are okay. Regardless of what you do, where you are, or what mistakes you make, you are mine; forever. I will always want you." Again Carlisle had the power to choke me up.

"I love you too, father, and I'm proud to be yours forever, yours and Esme's son."

After another hug, Carlisle disappeared, and just like that I was finally on my own.

Again . . .

Author's Notes: I want to thank all who continue to read. You are wonderful for even checking out this story. To all who add me to your favorites and alerts, you rock my world, and I am grateful. To all of those who take the time to review, you rock my universe and then some. Thanks for all the support and amazing comments. They give me much joy.

In the books we never really get to see anytime with Carlisle and the other "children". I know he loves them all, and I wanted to write a chapter about it. I also wanted to show how Carlisle becomes such an important person in Jasper's life, how he becomes more than a father figure but a friend. I also wanted to show how Carlisle – and even Shelly – was able to heal Jasper, even a little after his tragic, fatal mistake and explain why Jasper lost such control that night. Hope you enjoyed it. If you have time, please let me know what you think. I would love to read your thoughts on Carlisle and his relationship with the other children. I will also bring in Esme at some point, and more importantly Bella. I haven't forgotten about her; just a few more chapters and she will make her appearance. Don't fret much, darlings, there will be much interaction between them. I have a lot planned.

PS. All of these places in the chapter exist. I did a lot of research for this chapter; just an FYI.

Posted: 18 May 2010

Edited: 11 June 2011