Disclaimer: SM and affiliates own all that is Twilight. No Copy Right Infringement intended. I just like to try to bring a different perspective to the character's relationships.

Trust In My Word

Part Nine

June – Jasper's POV

Watching Carlisle leave was difficult. It wasn't that I was scared, but it was difficult; knowing that my crutch for the last three weeks was being taken away would have frightened. I was well aware that once he left it would be an adjustment again. I needed to move on. Carlisle was my safety net, and if I needed him again, he would have helped. It's wasn't that I couldn't do it on my own, but my anxiety was rising. I was finally on my own again, and my apprehensive thoughts didn't help. I guess I was a little more nervous and fearful then I expected, because I was projecting it to the others around me. I was having a hard time keeping my emotions in check; humans where looking over their shoulders like someone was coming after them, and others were trying to hide behind the walls and people passing. The scene would have been funny if I wasn't upset; however, it was time for me to leave. I took a deep breath and held it all the way to the car.

When I got home, I made my way to the deck and sat down. It had been a long day. Even though I didn't get tired physically, I still need a rest every now and then from my constant changing emotions. I looked over the water and breathed deeply. It was nice not having to feel that burn, which humans incited in the back of my throat. Even though I didn't need air, it was nice to feel it fill my lungs, it was cleansing.

My mind started to go over my plans of what I was going to do next. When Carlisle was with me, everything had made sense. The plans we made seemed right and feasible, now that I was on my own again, I was feeling inadequate. I sat on the porch for the rest of the day, not really moving. When night finally settled, I went for a hunt, finding a lynx was just great (I do love my carnivores). When I was finished hunting I came home, took a shower, and went back to the deck. There I sat until it was time for me to go hunting again.

This became my pattern, it felt safe and secure. I knew I was barely surviving, but couldn't shake myself out of it. After three days, Carlisle called to check on my progress. I told him what I had been doing since he left. He told me it was common for someone who had suffered a trauma to find patterns and familiar routes in life. It helped a person to feel safe; it helped them to be able to control what went on around them. After speaking with Carlisle, I figured if I never varied from my routine, then nothing bad would happen. Carlisle told me he understood, but also encouraged me not to let myself get too comfortable with it. I assured him I would think about it.

As a few more days passed and nothing had changed, Carlisle started to get worried about me. I didn't need him close to feel his emotions. His voice just dripped with concern. Every word he spoke was laced with worry. I felt bad for causing him any kind of pain; he had already done so much for me. I did try to leave the house for other reasons other than hunting, but it was as if I was literally stuck to the deck. My body didn't want to move until it was time for me to hunt again. I even started to worry for myself. Something had to give, and that something came in the form of two phone calls.

…

After about two weeks of my constant pattern, I received the first phone call. I had just got back from hunting and wasn't really sure if I wanted to answer. I knew the questions would be the same, as would the answers. But if I didn't pick up, I would make them worry more, so with a final bated breath, I picked up the ringing phone.

"Hello," I answered, tentatively.

"Jasper, thank goodness you are okay. I was beginning to worry about you!" It was as I had suspected. However, I knew she hadn't just started worrying about me.

"I'm sorry, Esme, it took me awhile to answer the phone." I didn't want to lie to her. It had taken me a while to find the courage to answer.

"Jasper, are you okay? I have been worried about you, dear," she reiterated. The guilt was piling on.

"Esme, I'm fine. It's just been a little hard since Carlisle left. It is taking me a little while to get on my feet. You don't have to worry about me."

That was the wrong thing to say.

"Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen, or whatever the hell you are going by these days, don't you ever tell me not to worry about you! As your mother, it is my right and my prerogative to worry. You are my life, your happiness is my happiness, your pain is my pain, and your worries are my worries, darling. Everything you go through, I feel. I crave to take your pain away. I never want any of my children to suffer. Everything Carlisle and I do is for our children's happiness. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about you. I love you, Jasper, so don't you ever try to tell me not to worry about you!" She just successfully handed my ass to me on a silver platter.

"I'm sorry, Esme" I feebly apologized. "I know you worry, and I have felt it on many occasions, but never to this existent. I just don't want to cause you anymore pain; I'm sure you can understand that," I tried to reason.

"I do understand, Jasper, but you need to understand no matter how far you are or where you go, I will always think about you. It is a mother's job to worry about her children. I don't care how old any of you get, mentally. I need to know that my children are okay and being taken care of. I'm there for you no matter what."

Esme and I hadn't talked since my killing Shelly. I didn't want her to know my shame, but I also knew it was time to get over my fear. So, I told her what I had gone through, the anguish I felt in taking Shelly's life, the guilt I felt in causing another death, and the failure in not being able to stop myself.

Esme simply listened to my story. After, she cried, she consoled me, and she constantly assured me of her love. There was always something about a mother's affections that made one want to be a little kid again. When one is little, one's mother is the heroine. She fixes everything. And even though one gets into trouble and eventually grounded, one knows that after she is going to give hugs and kisses (and if lucky enough, one can con her into making cookies). Esme's love and acceptance was like that for me. It was the relief and solace to another part of my soul that even Carlisle couldn't touch.

"Again, I'm sorry for causing you all this pain. When I was with the family I always held myself back, never allowing myself to become a real part. I'm not even sure I could tell you a reason, but I guess I felt like the weak link. My problems and my control issues were mine. I didn't want to put them on anyone else, more than I already had. Every time I slipped up, I watched Alice and Edward take the blame because they didn't stop me in time. Then we would have to move again. I felt I caused enough shame. I also knew how much Alice loved the family. The Cullen's gave her something I couldn't. So I figured, the fewer problems I caused, the better for Alice and the rest of the family it would be. Alice loved me and would have left with me if you asked me to leave one day."

Or so I had thought . . .

"I didn't want you to have to make that choice, so I stayed in the shadows. You also know I don't like being the center of attention." I could her Esme sobbing. What the hell had I said?

"I'm sorry, Esme, if I hurt you." I whispered piteously. "I shouldn't have said anything, but it's like when I talk to you, my inner "little boy comes out. I want to tell "my mother" everything." Esme started to sob harder.

Just fucking great, Whitlock Hale Cullen, you're on a role; maybe next you can go kick a little puppy, and then eat a kitten for dessert.

When Esme finally calmed down, she explained to me why she had been crying. "I'm sorry, darling. I know you aren't comfortable with my crying. I'm hate that you felt like you had to keep yourself back. But, Jasper, I would never let you leave the family, no matter how many times you slipped-up. From the first time you and Alice came home, I loved you. I knew you were meant to be a part of the family. I may not have given birth to you, but the first time you came into my arms, I knew you were mine. My love for you, Jasper, is infinite; my concern and my devotion to you are never ending."

Esme was a creature unto her own. I could only think of Bella matching up to her.

"I also take some blame." I went to argue, but she spoke over me. "I should have never let you keep the distance. I could sense you were uncomfortable with all the attention, so I let you be. That never meant I didn't love you. I always cared for you, son. I always wanted what was best for you. When you had your slips, all I wanted was to take you in my arms and make it all better. I'm not sure if you would have let me, and Alice was there. I let her take the role of your comforter. But I also suffered, Jasper. I never wanted you to have to feel that kind of pain. I know it was never easy for you to live our lifestyle, but I was proud of you every day for your effort. You had to struggle more so than the rest of us. It just showed how strong you were. Your mistakes made you try harder. But regardless of all that, I loved you. Do you understand, darling?"

"I understand, Esme. I could always feel your sympathy and compassion when I slipped. Your love for me was overwhelming at time. I was uncomfortable with it and didn't know how to react. It had been a long time since I had felt a mother's love. It is a powerful thing. Please, Esme, never feel bad. It was never your fault. You did help me and help console me. I knew if I ever needed you, there would have been nothing that could have stopped you." We both laughed at the truthfulness of the statement.

"I have your love still and our relationship is better than ever. I am sorry it took me so long to realize it. I'm sorry it took me splitting with Alice to finally accept that love from you. But, I won't make that mistake again. I promise, Esme. Sometimes I may shy away from it because I know my actions are causing you pain, but never doubt that I love you," I implored.

"I won't, Jasper. I won't doubt your love for me. And you also had better realize, I won't hesitate to punish you. You may be grown and you may have been in a war, but I'm your mother!" Esme scolded me. I knew she wasn't kidding. I could hear the seriousness in her voice.

"Now the reason I called you was to see how you were doing. Have you made any progress, darling? Have you gone into town yet?" Even on the phone I couldn't hide from Esme.

"I'm sorry, Esme, but there still seems to be some kind of block. I want to go around people, and I know it is the only way I can build up my resistance. But for some reason, I can't seem to remove this block, no matter how much I fight it. It won't budge."

"I know it is hard, Jasper, but did you ever think you are blocking yourself. I am not blaming you, per se, but I think you have become so comfortable and complacent you don't want to try. If you never set yourself up for failure, you will never have to worry about falling. But with that, darling, comes the bad," she went on to explain. "You will never be able to realize how strong you are, and you will never be able to celebrate your accomplishments. I want you to feel that joy, Jasper. I want you to see you as I do." I didn't dare speak.

"When I think of you, son, I think of your love and devotion. I think of your strength and your determination to accomplish your goals. I think of my son who came from hell and built a new life for himself, who left everything he knew and understood behind, adapting to a new way of life. He may have not done it perfectly, but he still tried. Most days were a struggle, but his love for his family caused him to want to do better. That is just who you are, Jasper. This person you are now, I don't recognize. I want you to overcome your fears, Jasper. I want you to embrace life and not hide anymore. I'm scared of you becoming comfortable with this new life and never wanting to come home." . . .

"I miss you, and I know you need this time away; that is why I let you go. However, you have to start trying again. You do what you must so I can have my son back home. I want to see you for myself and the progress you have accomplished. I also want to take my son in my arms and tell him how much I adore him. So please, Jasper, I am asking as your mother, to try!" she pleaded, trying to hold back the sniffles from her voice.

Well shit! There went my last defense.

Of course Esme was right. I had been holding myself back. I didn't want to have to face any failures. I didn't want to have to face my fears and put myself on the line. But after talking with Esme, I knew it was time. I couldn't hide anymore. A mother's disappointment was a hard thing to swallow.

"Okay, Esme, you win. It is time for me to start living. No more hiding from my fears and concerns. I need to start trying again. I promise I will try to do better. I will come home to you. I can't promise you it will be easy or soon, but I will try. I need to shake off the cobwebs and do better. So tomorrow I will start again. Thank you for calling me out on my shit; it really was what I needed."

"Anytime, darling." She sounded as a burden had been lifted from her throat. "You know I am always here to call you out on your shit!" The laughter fell easily from me. "That's what mothers are for. If you needed, I would have come there and taken you by the hand, leading everywhere you that was required. It would have been potentially embarrassing, but who the hell cares. I would have done it. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my children. I love you!"

Esme never cursed, but when she did it was funny as hell.

"I don't think that will be necessary, but I'll keep that in mind. I love you, Esme, and thank you for everything. I will keep you and Carlisle updated on my progress. A good ass kicking is just what I needed from my mom!" I teased.

"You got that right, mister, and if I hear you are not keeping up on your promises, you will have to deal with me in person. I can promise you, darling, it won't be pretty. I am going to let you keep your word to me, but please don't make me come out there, not that I don't want to. I just want you to do this on your own. I know it is something you crave." Esme just had all knowing intuition a mother had. It was freaky as hell.

"I will and thanks, again. I love you. I'll talk to so soon."

"Okay, son, and watch that mouth; don't let me hear you using that language. I get enough of it from Emmett. You are my good son. I love you too, and I can't wait to hear from you. I know you need to call Carlisle. He said I took too long and now he has to go to work because I monopolized your time. I am a mother and it is my right to comfort my children so you will just have to call him later."

Esme just put everyone in their place. It was one of the many reasons we loved and respected her.

After Esme and I said our goodbyes, I knew I had to keep my word. It was too late tonight, but after hunting tomorrow, I would be taking a day trip into the town. It was past due.

…

After an hour after my talk with Esme, the phone rang again. I was surprised as to who would be calling me. It wasn't Esme or Carlisle because I just talked to her, and Carlisle was at the hospital. I didn't think it was my siblings; they were told not to contact me. After taking another unneeded deep breath I looked at the caller ID.

Well paint mbe blue and call me Billy, what did that bitch want.

"Hello, fucker, are you done crying over the spilt milk?" How did he know?

"Hey, asshole, yes I'm finished and how did you know?" I stupidly asked him.

"Because I know shit, Jasper. You should already know that, or did all that raccoon blood addle your brain," the bitch answered. I knew there was a reason I didn't want to talk to him. "How do you know what people are feeling?" he continued, not giving me a chance to answer. "How do you alter people's emotions? Or did you really think you were just that charismatic, fucker?" Good old Peter. One could always count on him to ruin the mood.

"What can I do for you, bitch?" I asked. I was already sick of him. I loved Peter and he was my brother, but his timing stunk.

"I was wondering if you needed me to come to Maine; you know . . . to braid your hair, pull you into my arms, and tell you everything is going to be okay. Or do you need to suck on a tit, and be burped by your mommy? No offense against Esme. You know I love her," the ass tried to amend.

"No, bitch, I don't need you to come here, and my mommy already kicked my ass. Do you feel better now?"

"Not really." His voice switched from joking to downtrodden. It could only mean one thing . . . "I haven't gotten any in about a week." He answered me; BINGO. Could he never stay out of trouble?

"Charlotte is punishing me for playing skeet shoot with her dishes; supposedly it was her good china. What the hell we even need china for is beyond me."

I could hear Charlotte yelling in the back ground.

"No, dear, that doesn't excuse what I did. I love you," he whined to her. Talk about being a bitch that needed his mother. I laughed at his hardship.

"What, Petey, can't deal with wifey? Do you need me to talk to her for you? I bet you wish you had my gift now, don't you, asshole."

"Shut up, fucker!" he yelled, finally becoming agitated with me.

"Just buy her some new dishes and be done with it," I counseled him.

"I already did, but she said if she just gave in I wouldn't learn my lesson; whatever that shit means. I told her sorry and one would think that was enough, but never is enough with women. No sex for two weeks. I swear, man, my dick feels like it is about to fall off."

Did he not think Charlotte couldn't hear him? Again, like clockwork, I could hear her yelling at him. This was too funny. Who the hell needed a soap opera?

"No, honey, I wasn't complaining. My punishment was fair. I also know I have two hands and can take care of my own needs."

"But my hand never feels as good as . . ." he started to whisper under his breath, but she was still able to hear him.

"No, I won't finish that sentence. You know I respect you as a woman, Charlotte."

She had his balls firmly in her grasp. I couldn't help but laugh at him.

"Shut the hell up, bitch. Stop trying to get me in trouble with the wife." I did feel sorry for him and thought he paid enough for his earlier comments.

"Okay, Peter. So what can I do for you?" I asked him, getting to the crux of his call.

"I was just wondering if you needed anyone else to hold your hand. I know Esme handed your ass to you today, but I wanted you to know I'm available between the hours of ten a.m. to noon, Mondays and Wednesdays. It seems like my hand will otherwise be occupied on Fridays, so you will be on your own." I had absolutely no need for his hands.

"Very funny, Peter! I think I can take care of myself from now on, as you will also be doing – all pun intended, bitch. I don't need your soiled hands anywhere near me."

"Just thought I'd offer, but seriously, man, if you need Charlotte and me we'll be there. I know this has been a hard time for you, and I respect what you are doing. I don't understand it, but I still respect it." Peter could never understand feeding off of animals. But even in the vampire world, there were anomalies.

"Thanks, Pete, that shit means a lot to me. You may not understand my choice, but you accept it and try to support me. Even when I was living with you and Charlotte – after Alice and I split – you never questioned my choices, well not too much. You allowed me to do "my thing". I appreciate it, brother. You and Char were my first companions after being with that bitch, Maria. You guys are my family, and I love you."

"Thanks, fucker, I love you too." Peter could never stay serious for too long. But that was one of the things I appreciated most about him. I already got enough emotional support from Esme and Carlisle.

I could hear Charlotte yelling at him again. Today just wasn't his day. "Damn it, Charlotte!" he all but shrieked. I snickered, being the good brother I was. "That really hurt! There was no need to smack me with a damn frying pan. Now you are just going to have to buy a new one."

"It wasn't just a frying pan; it was cast iron, and next time, take things more seriously!" Charlotte scolded him. "Give me the phone."

"Hey, Jasper, honey, how are you doing?" She didn't give me a chance to answer before she continued. "Peter and I have been worried about you. And I know Peter has the emotional range of his dick, but he does care." I knew Char was the right woman for him.

"I'm doing a lot better, sweet tea. Esme and I talked earlier today. You know how she is. She made me realize it was time for a change." I explained to her.

"I know, Jasper. Esme loves you so much. She is a good mother to you. But if you need Peter and me to come, we will. There is no shame in that, honey. You are family and we do for family. Never feel like you can't ask us for something." And that was the reason I loved them so much.

"Thanks, sweet tea. That means a hell of a lot to me. As I was telling Peter, you are my family and I love you guys. If there is anything I could ever do for you, all you have to do is ask, gorgeous."

"I know, Jasper. And don't let my ass of a husband make you feel ashamed. There is nothing wrong with needing to hold your mama's hand. I wish I had an Esme. She is quite an amazing woman. Her love and strength is something we could all learn from."

"And, Jasper, just because I love you doesn't mean I won't knock your ass out with a frying pan either."

"Cast iron, you mean," Peter corrected her. "I love you, baby," he quickly added. I could only imagine the look she was giving to him.

"Anyway, I have enough money to buy a few thousand, just remember that. You better not break your promise to Esme, or else you will have me to deal with also. And yes, I know about the promise. Peter just knows shit." It was the common explanation. "But you keep in mind what I said," she finished.

"I will, Char. I don't need all you after me. I already knew it was time to start living again. I think after Carlisle left I started feeling inept and hopeless again. When you are around Carlisle, you feel you can accomplish anything. He just has this amazing faith and love in people. When he was here, I was constantly reassured of his feelings. His never ending love and faith sustained me for those three weeks. Then when he left, I started to feel empty again. It wasn't his fault, but that's what Carlisle is like. He gives you the strength without even realizing it. His constant reassurance was like a drug for me."

Anyway, thank you, sweet tea, for your love and threats; I know they come from the heart," I mock-jested with her. I meant every word I said.

"No problem, honey. Anytime you need an ass kicking, I'm here. You can join Peter. He cannot seem to stay out of trouble. Maybe I should call your sister Rosalie and ask how she puts up with Emmett," she spoke more to herself. I knew her and Rose could be great friends. "But just remember what I said. I love you, Jasper. I hope to hear from you soon. I'll let you talk to Peter now."

"Bye, Char," I said before she handed the phone over. "And try and take it easy with Peter . . . he can't help it. He was born something stupid. He may know shit, but he doesn't know your shit, sweet tea. Don't punish him too much." After Charlotte handed Peter the phone again, I remembered why he was always in trouble.

"Thanks for that, fucker. You know how to sweet talk the senoritas. Maybe you can give my ass a lesson on how to talk your way out of problems. Charlotte was ready to come and kick your ass."

Charlotte yelled again at Peter. The shit never got old. "I know you were going to kick my ass too, not just Jaspers, and I know I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. I love you, baby!"

"Ah, Peter, I see you haven't changed in the time I talked to your gorgeous wife. Nice to know some things never will."

"Shut up, bitch. You know you love me. I have saved your ass too many times to count. But you are my brother and I'm there for you. All you have to do is ask. There is nothing Charlotte and I wouldn't do. We are alive because of you. I owe you so much, my brother."

"You owe me nothing, Peter. Even if you did, it has already been paid in full. You and Char came back for me. You took me away from a life you know was slowly destroying me. I'm not sure how much longer I could have lasted in that environment."

"You're much stronger that you let yourself believe, brother. You are going to make it out of this struggle. Your control will be amazing, Jasper. You will overcome, and this period in your life will be over. You will not have to doubt yourself any longer. When you go through more shit and think you can't hack it anymore, remember what I just said. Trust in my word, Jasper. I would never lead you wrong on this." Peter may be an ass at times, and he may joke around a lot, but when I needed him he was there.

"I'll remember what you told me. Thanks for the heads up. I already knew it was going to be hard, but your faith and guidance in me will make things better."

I could hear Peter clearing his throat. He only did that when there was something he wanted to say, but wasn't sure if he should. I guess it was a tick he retained from his human life.

"Just say it, Peter," I encouraged him.

"Damn man you know me too well. I just want you to know I know of your promise to Bella." I was not expecting him to say anything about the little doe-eyed angel that made me question my life and finally helped to push me on the path I was on now.

"I know she wouldn't be mad at you, Jasper. We all make mistakes and we all have our crosses to bear. Bella is no different and she would understand, trust me on that. I know you have been wondering what she would think of you. You are not a monster, no matter what sins you commit or think you commit. It is natural for us to feed off of humans. Bella would understand that. All you need to remember is you did make her the promise to do better and to stop sitting on the fence. You have kept that promise so far, Jasper, and you will continue to. Never doubt, brother."

Bella was this beautiful secret to me. She was unknowingly there for me at one of my darkest moments. Her concern for me and her simple faith in all that was good, helped me to want to be a better person. After Alice, I felt like I had nothing left. I had Peter and Charlotte there, but they also had each other. Bella was there for me when I needed her the most. She was the spark I needed to light my way because I was drowning in the darkness.

In her time of need, she had worried about my sadness. If that selflessness didn't help to make anyone better, I didn't know what would. Her pure compassion and untainted view of the world was just what I needed to turn the corner. She had given to me the right amount of hope that I needed to start my life again, without Alice. I received purpose to my life. When I drained Shelly, I felt I had failed Bella. I failed in my promise to her. I failed her faith in me. I no longer was good enough for her compassion and worry.

"You're right, man, that has been something I have been struggling with," I whispered, still unsure of whether or not I wanted to admit her out loud. "There has no one to talk to because I haven't told anyone about her. It was such a private moment for me; I didn't want to share it with anyone. But don't feel bad for bring it up, Peter. It was something I needed to hear. I just ask you don't share it with anyone. Could you do that for me?"

"Sure, bitch." We were back to normal, and for that I was more than grateful. I would put up with all his "bitches" and "fuckers". "Then we can paint each other's toe nails and talk about all of the girls we have crushed on. But seriously, I won't tell anyone."

"Don't make me tell Charlotte about the dude at the bar in –" I started to threaten, but he cut in. His buttons were as easy to push as Emmett's.

"You wouldn't, fucker!" he yelled, I could hear the fear in his voice, "Even though we are vampires, you know you had a hard time telling the difference. I know, I know things with my gift, but my radar never went off that something was going to happen."

I knew just how to get him worked up. To be honest, I had thrown so much confusion at Peter that night he never would have been able to tell the difference anyway. But there was a limit to my honesty, and I wasn't going to tell him that. That was my little secret to have.

"Calm down. I won't say anything. We are all curious at some time."

"Shut the hell up. I don't care how much Charlotte or your whole motley crew loves you. I will throw you into a fire and find a way to piss on the ashes!" He wished. He was never able to best me, even with his freaky ass gift.

"Keep telling yourself that, Petey!" I laughed at him. "But, hey, man, I have to get going. I need to hunt before I go into town today. I appreciate you calling. Tell Charlotte I love her, and when she is ready for a real man she knows where to find me."

"I keep my woman plenty satisfied, bitch. She has no need for your little petty officer or whatever you call that miniscule dick of yours. But I'll pass the message on. And, Jasper . . ." he said, letting my name linger in the space between us.

"Remember what I said, you will be fine, and you will get through this. It will not be easy, but you will beat it. You are strong and you can kick this in the ass. I'm here for you, my brother, anytime. I'll talk to you soon."

After I got done talking to Peter, I had more hope than ever. My family was here for me. They loved me and would continue to love me no matter how much I would mess up. I was one lucky son-of-a-bitch. I didn't plan on disappointing them.

Author's Notes: I hope that was alright. Esme walked a hard line in this chapter. I knew she would be worried and understanding of Jasper, but she also wanted him to stop hiding from his problems. She needed to be caring and loving, but also firm with him. I hope I was able to find that balance. My mother is a lot like Esme. She comforts me when needed, but she will also call me out on my problems when she has too. It doesn't matter how old I am. She is an amazing woman.

Also with Peter, there is no explanation. He is what he is, and I would never want to change him. Charlotte also has all of that cooking equipment, because she likes to cook. It is one of her hobbies, even though there is no reason for it. I think we all doing things for no other reason than just doing them.

Much love like always.

Posted: 22 May 2010

Edited: 11 June 2011