Disclaimer: SM and affiliates own all that is Twilight. I just like to share Jasper sometimes. Emma is my little character. I hope you fall in love with her like I did. I also don't own the song 'Will You Be There', just borrowed the lyrics. No copyright infringement intended.

Another Tomorrow

Part Ten

It was time to go home. It had been two years since I seeing Bella. Two years filled with struggles, hardships, and difficulties, but completely worth it. As I continued my walk in Central Park, I relished the rainy day in the middle of August. I really had no destination in mind. Often times I would take strolls through the park, just people watching. My control was pretty good. I worked hard to ensure that what had happened almost a year and half ago to Shelly would never happen again.

I now hunted once every week and that was just to maintain myself. I could go longer, but I still wasn't ready to test the theory. It was probably a good thing I could sustain myself for that long because hunting around New York City wasn't easy, at least for us vegetarian vampires.

As the grey clouds rolled by in the sky, I sat down on a park bench and took in my surroundings. New York City really was a place unto its own. People said one either loved or hated it. I couldn't say I loved it, but at this time in my life, it seemed to fit. It was such a diverse city that had everything at your finger tips. If there was anything a person needed, I'm sure it could be found. What did I need in New York City? It was quite simple: I needed people.

When I first arrived, I needed to be around a lot of people. I had worked myself up from small, barely there towns, to something bigger each time I moved. When the time finally came for me to move to a big city, I narrowed my choices down to here and Boston. Both cities had their own beauties and each had individual attractions to offer, but New York just seemed like the right fit. I lived here for about four months and there had been no slips or close calls, for that matter. My hard work finally paid off.

All of the years and decades of struggles were a thing of the past for me. That's not to say my throat didn't flare when I was around humans because I still felt the burn, however, by channeling my thirst and thoughts to something else, I was able to manage myself. The burn that used to rule my life was now ruled by me. A large part of my success was Carlisle. Throughout the two years he had been my constant cheerleader. He always encouraged and pushed me when I needed it. He didn't allow me to second guess myself. Carlisle had become my mentor and a true father in all the ways which mattered. When I lived with him and the rest of the Cullen's, I always appreciated all he did for Alice and me, but I lived on the perimeter of our family. I seemed to be the black sheep, the human drinker. My past and my adversities made me fundamentally different from them. I had never taken advantage of Carlisle's guidance and past experiences. Now that he was such an integral part of my life, I often wondered how different things would have been today if I had let him into my life, allowing him to guide and influence me from the beginning. Those were questions that would never be answered.

Bella had been the start, and now she was the beginning of my ending journey to control what I had thought was impossible. She had and would always be the initial driving force to my motivation. From our first meeting under a star-studded sky to my current thoughts, Bella was never far away. We had a bond that would never fade. It took me a while and a very disastrous mistake to learn that nothing could really damper that bond. On the first year anniversary of meeting Bella, I remembered going to a secluded location and pouring out my emotions about what had happened. I released my feelings in a positive manner, and I remember the words I wrote that day, which seemed so long ago.

…

One Year Anniversary of Jasper and Bella's Meeting

I took my guitar, my journal, and a blanket to my favorite spot by the river. The sun decided to shine again today, trying to warm my soul and heal it. It was just as well it shined today because I wasn't going into town. As I lay down beneath the sun's rays, I closed my eyes, letting the heat soak into my cold body. The sun seemed to heat right to my soul, healing the parts that hadn't closed all the way. The sun was the reason for life and it seemed to bring my soul out of obscurity and into that life. It wasn't very often that my kind was able to enjoy the fire-star, but when I did, it brought warmth and clarity to my mind.

As my lids closed, Bella's face appeared in my mind's eye. I pictured that night and all that happened. I thought about the turning point in my life, about my hunger and the burn I felt that night. I thought about Bella's eyes, how I could almost read into her soul as it cried out to mine. I always wondered how a little girl of ten was able to have such a profound impact on me. Perhaps saving the life of a person creates a bond between the individuals that is unbreakable. Opening up my eyes, I looked around me and enjoyed the peace I felt in this time. For once, I almost felt healed, somewhat whole; my ghosts were quieted in this moment, allowing me solitude. I pulled out my journal and wrote what my mind and heart were screaming to say.

My hand flew across the clean pages, marking them with all the struggles and opinions which subsided in me.

.~~.

"What it is that connects people together? What is it that brings two people together in one place, one time, and in one shared experience? Some call it fate and destiny while others call it coincidence. Some believe it is a divine intervention or a higher power, leading one down their chosen path. I'm not sure what it is, but I am thankful for the intervention. I am not proud of my actions that almost hurt Bella, I would never be proud of that moment; it was one of my darkest experiences. I had just lost Alice, the driving force that propelled my existence. None of these are excuses or reasons; it was just the way my life was at the time. It was one of the hardest times and I wasn't taking proper care of myself.

When I came upon Bella, I only thought with my instincts, how a predator sees it prey; my next meal. When I finally realized she was only a child, I wanted to kill myself. I always had one cardinal rule for and that was to never harm a child. I would end my own existence before I had ever harmed a little one. They were never to be thought of as my next meal. I hated myself because I couldn't even do one thing right. I let myself make excuses as to why it was okay for me to even eat this human. In that moment I just didn't give a fuck. Her smell was so mouth watering and delicious. It would never rank anywhere near Shelly's, nevertheless, I was hungry and wanted that blood, nothing was going to stop me, or so I had thought.

After realizing Bella was a child, I wanted to rid myself of her smell and the vile thoughts about draining her. After I gagged and sobbed, I heard the voice of an angel. It was a sound I would never forget. Her concern was astounding, her love pure.

Before her eyes fluttered closed, I took one more look into her untainted brown, doe-eyes. I wanted to keep that image with me forever. It was in that moment I had promised her I would get off the fence and try to be better. I needed to stop flip-flopping. I needed to stop making lame excuses for my lack of control, finally learning how to take responsibility for the monster that resided in me. Bella had also given me a new drive, an objective to try and strive toward. My soul seemed to accept this challenge. It just wanted something to cling to, and I held onto it for dear life. I didn't want to drown anymore. I wanted and needed to learn to swim again.

When I was finished putting Bella into a deep sleep, and gently kissed her head, the promise that was in my soul seemed to become one. I felt warm inside for that single second and then it was over. But I knew that something had been irretrievably changed for good. Even after the disastrous six months that followed, and I was once again surrounded in darkness, my soul embraced her promise. It may have been lost in that darkness, but it was always there. When I killed Shelly I thought I had lost that part of my soul forever, tainting the most precious part of me. Bella's part, however, wouldn't let me forget. With Shelly's sacrifice and Carlisle's guidance, her part of my soul was able to grow again and flourish in the cleanliness. I knew there was more to do, but my experience with an angel-child helped me to change for the better.

I never knew if I would see Bella again or if our lives would cross again, but I would always carry a part of her with me, the most beautiful and innocent part."

.~~.

…

As my mind shifted from Bella, I thought of the last person who had helped me the most on my long passage, the one who suffered the ultimate sacrifice: Shelly. As my journey was now completing, I pondered on the profound impact she had on my transformation. Six months had passed since the anniversary of her passing and I thought about how I spent the day, commiserating her life. It was a day similar to Bella's, and a day that I wouldn't forget with my infallible memory.

…

One Year Anniversary of Shelly's Death

Pennsylvania this time of year was cold. Snow clung to the branches of the trees and covered the ground in a blanket of white. To me, it represented purity and cleanliness. Shelly's resting place was undisturbed except by my presence. The sun reflected off the snow and my skin. The sky was blue, white puffy clouds drifted along without a care in the world. I watched the sun reflect of my skin, taking in all of the scars I had accumulated over the years. They were a sign of my battles and struggles. They represented my past life and all I had to live through.

My former life was hell, plain and simple, but it was all I had ever known. My skin was a testament to that life. I had detested my scars for so long. They were a constant reminder of the sins I had committed and the hell I raised. They were still painful for me to look at, but I now realized they were also a sign of my accomplishments. I fought through the quagmire of hell to get to where I was today; it was a good place. I had the love and support of my family and friends, I had a life I was somewhat proud of, and I had gone against all I was taught since my infancy and rose above it.

As I sat down next to her grave, I contemplated on one of my greatest sins. I had no scar on my skin representing Shelly, but a scar that was deeply carved into my very soul. It was a blemish that would never fade. I pulled out my journal and pondered what I wanted to write today. I decided to let my heart write the words on the blank page.

.~~.

"Today is the year anniversary of me taking your beautiful life, Shelly. Three hundred and sixty five days of anguish, mistakes, and triumphs. These accomplishments came at a heavy price that I wish you never had to pay. Because of my weakness and inability to restrain myself, you had to pay the ultimate price: your life. You never will know the depths of sorrow I felt in what I did. There will never be a justification for what I did, and I would never make an excuse. Your life was yours to live, and I never had a right to take that away from you. That night after I took your life, I cradled your body. I wanted to breathe life back into you. I wanted to switch placed with you. I know that it was a hopeless cause, but I tried nonetheless.

I had gone six months in a sea of turmoil and pain. I had little purpose in my life, the only thing I had was a promise to a little angel to try. She had given me a new direction, but the night I took your life it wasn't enough. I was struggling with myself; I felt like I was losing the only light I left in my cold dark soul. The only light I had came from that little angel and I couldn't lose it. I made bad choices based on desperation and need to hold on to that light.

I knew my thoughts made no sense, Shelly, and they were crazy, but at the time they made sense to me. The fog that captured my mind told me my thoughts were sane, and the monster within me agreed. It clung to these thoughts and pushed my sane judgments further from my mind. I knew this was happening that day and I needed to hunt. I wish I had just gone straight to the woods, pushing those horrid notions from my mind and embraced the thoughts that made sense. I wish I was a different person and lived in a different place.

The thing I regret most is my lack of control. There were all of these reasons why I did what I did, but none of those reasons take away my lack of control. I had decades to learn, but I never took the opportunity. Now that I know what it feels like to hold down the monster that tries to take over me, I know that night I still would have killed you. I'm so sorry to have to admit it, Shelly. I wish I could lie and say it would never have happened, but I just can't.

You were my ultimate turning point in my journey. Alice led me to the path, my little angel gave me the push off of the fence to walk down that path, lighting it with her internal goodness. And you, Shelly, you gave me the determination and the strength of mind to finally pull my head out of my ass.

To many times I made excuses for the things I did, but when I took your life, those excuses stopped. I finally took responsibility for all of the fucked up shit I did over the years. Please forgive my language; my mother would have my hide if she knew I wrote this. But it truly describes the pain and loss I created.

That morning when I left you for good, I ended up in Maine and my rock found me. My father is this incredible person who loves with his entire being; he posses the most compassion of anyone I know and that include my mother Esme. His capacity to love is so immense it sometimes blinds me. He helped me to not take your life for granted. He made me realize I couldn't change the past, but could learn from my mistakes. I could take the lessons you learned in your life and apply them to mine. I am sorry because I read your journal and I also let Carlisle read it, but I wanted him to know the amazing person you were. He agreed of course.

When he finally left, I knew what I had to do. I couldn't let your sacrifice go to waste. I needed to finally overcome the demon within and learn what I always knew. It was a hard journey, filled with places and events that have helped to carve out the creature that is sitting beside you today. It wasn't always easy, but everything I did after you was worth it.

You, Shelly . . . you were the foundation that I was able to build all of these experiences and memories on. You were my most defining moment. You completely stripped my soul and made me take the closest look. You made me bare enough to see all of the things I used to excuse my behavior; you took it away and left me a blank canvas to paint a beautiful picture on.

I could truly never apologize to you for taking your life. My repentance will never be complete because I cannot give you back your life, and for that I will always be eternally sorry. I can only make restitution for the life I took from you. I know it will not be the same, but it is the only thing I can offer. I hope I can bring something worthwhile into this world and try to take away some of the ugliness.

I want to thank you, Shelly, for all of the wonderful things you accomplished. You set an example for me to base my life on. Your journal is one of my greatest possessions, something to always cherish it. Nothing will ever make up for my many, many mistakes, but all I can do is try. The promise I made to that little angel will continue to give me the strength I need to keep trying.

I do love you."

.~~.

There was more I wanted to write, but my mind became blank. My heart had purged its pain, and even though it would never be whole, Shelly helped to close the fracture a little. She was another one of those stars in my sky that had my destiny written there. I lay back in the snow and started to move my arms and legs. When I stood up, I saw my perfect snow angel, shaped in the lush, white ground. I moved to the other side and sat down again. I pulled out my favorite book, turning to one of the pages I loved and read aloud.

Shelly's Journal Entry

"When I was a teenager I will admit it, I loved Michael Jackson. He was this amazing performer that got the country dancing to 'Thriller'. His music inspired generations and people all over the world. I was one of those people who knew all the dance moves and lyrics to his songs. I am just glad that no one can see me in this moment, my face is beet red. It is so embarrassing to admit that even in the privacy of my journal. But there is a reason to my madness. I write this embarrassing detail for a reason.

One of his songs inspired me in one of my darkest moments. When my mother died it was the worst. She was my best friend. When I was younger, I adored her. She was my role model and my mentor. When kids were looking up and aspiring to be Madonna and others like her, I was trying to be like my mother. She was the world to me. What she said was law and her advice was like my bible. She was such an amazing woman. She would listen to me when I was sad. She would comfort me in my pain, usually kissing away my problems. No one would ever compare to the person she was. I loved my father and though had a great relationship, mother was my everything.

Of course when I made the wrong choices and caused trouble, she would punish me. The punishments were fair, but filled with love. I deserved what I got. My mother always said our actions have consequences and the way we handled those consequences said a lot about the person we were. She told me to never get stuck in the shadow of my mistakes; let the light shine and it would burn away all that was bad. She loved me for all that I was and accepted me for me. I wish everyone could have someone who was as amazing and wonderful as her.

The day she died was completely unbearable. I thought I would never go on. My depression took me over completely; there was nothing to be done. My light was gone and I needed her by my side. I needed her love and her comfort. I needed her arms around me, telling me everything was going to be fine and my life still had a purpose. One day – for some reason – I was listening to the radio. I was never sure how it was turned on, but I heard Michael Jackson singing. It brought me back to my youth and my beautiful memories of my mother. She would laugh at my dancing, but she was a good sport. She would be right by my side, dancing with me. She was never shy about making me happy. She would have done anything. After I was done reminiscing I started listening to the lyrics to the song "Will You Be There". I heard the words that helped me to come out of my depression.

'In our darkest hour, In my deepest despair, Will you still care? Will you be there? In my trials And my tribulations, Through our doubts, And frustrations , In my violence, In my turbulence, Through my fear, And my confessions, In my anguish and my pain, Through my joy and my sorrow, In the Promise of another Tomorrow, I'll never let you part, For you're always in my heart'.

Tears poured out of my eyes and I cried so hard. I cried for my mother and her comfort that only a mother can give. I had missed her so much when she left me. But then after time, I realized my mother would always be with me because she was 'always in my heart'. I carried her everywhere I went. Her life and her memories would always live on in me. Her wishes for my life and her happiness in all I accomplished were imprinted on my soul. My mother would always be my best friend. Mr. Jackson had it right. I would always miss her, but I would always have her.

I got up the next day and started living my life. There would be moments of weakness and hurt, but with every step I took into the future and every breath I took to sustain my life, I would be okay. It was the lesson my mother was always trying to teach me: the sun would always come out. It may not be tomorrow or the day after, but it would come out and shine on me and she would be there smiling.

I just hope the sun doesn't come out tomorrow because then I will have a reason not to go to the gym. :D Just joking, maybe I will get out my thriller CD."

….

Back to Present Time

The thunder rolling in the distance shook me from my thoughts. It started to drizzle. People started taking out their umbrellas and picking up their pace. Finally going home was going to be difficult, but I was ready. I was ready to be with my family, I had missed them very much. It's true what one says about being absent, It really did make the heart grow fonder, even mine that hadn't beat in over a century. The most challenging part would be seeing Alice. Not only would I be seeing her, but we would be living together. I wasn't in love with Alice anymore and she was no longer the center of my world, but I still cared for her very deeply. I still didn't understand why we couldn't be together, but I respected her decision. I would never force her to be with me. I knew what it felt liked to be forced into something.

Home had been calling to me these last few weeks, and since then I had been preparing myself to face her. I was strong enough to rejoin my family as a real member. I would no longer be a hindrance to them. I would be their equal. Carlisle couldn't tell me enough about how proud he was of his son. He told me about telling everyone in the hospital he worked in his son was finally coming home. He sure did know how to lay on the guilt. So, as I prepared myself to return to the fold, I began to wrap up the life I had built for myself. I put in my notices and now it was finally time. Believe it or not, I was active in my community. After long talks with Carlisle and making sure I was absolutely ready, I (now hold your breath) volunteered at the local children's hospital.

I volunteered three days a week at St. Jude Children's Hospital. I started volunteering seemingly out of nowhere. I was talking to Carlisle on the phone in early June. He was telling me about an article he had read that was written by a gentleman who volunteered his time at a children's hospital. This man said it was one of the most fulfilling things he ever accomplished. Carlisle then went on to say he wish he had more time to work in the children's ward in Forks.

It struck me like lightening; I had been wondering what I could be doing more of. I had been in New York City for a couple months, and I seemed to be missing something in my life. I asked Carlisle whether he thought it would be prudent of me to serve at one of the children's hospitals in the city. After much debate, Carlisle felt I was ready to be in an atmosphere like that. Carlisle called around and found out St. Jude's was looking for more volunteers in the cancer ward. I called them, filled out the necessary paper work, got the necessary references, and was taken on board.

Carlisle flew out and accompanied me my first day on the job. I felt like a child being lead by his father to his first day of school. Nonetheless, I was happy he agreed to accompany me. After the first week of training and Carlisle with me every step of the way, I was ready. The first time at the hospital without him was nerve-racking, but after the day was over I knew I would be alright. These were little souls that were battling for their lives. Being around them had made me a better being. I found strength and hope in their courage and continued strength. Some of the children were more scared than others, but the majority of them were hopeful. The children were beyond beautiful, and I knew leaving them would be difficult.

I also knew leaving New York City would be tough, but I was ready. Watching these children's struggles and watching the parents that wept and hoped for their children's wellbeing gave me the strength I needed to face the last of my demons, my unfinished business with Alice.

I was most especially going to miss Emma. She reminded me of Bella a lot. She had the same long brown hair except her was lighter. She also had these beautiful, soulful hazel eyes. On my last day, I had gone up to her room.

"Hey, Jasper, how are you today?" she asked as I entered her room.

"I'm fine, sweetie. How are you feeling today?"

"Mommy says the doctor said I'm doing much better. Can you believe that Jasper?" She smiled at me.

"Of course I can, sweetie. You only have good things in your future!" I told her while waving my arms like I was looking into a crystal ball.

"You're so silly. Jasper, can I ask you a question?" She looked at me shyly.

"Shoot," I told her.

"Why did you look so sad when you came into my room? You are too pretty to look so sad."

At this I couldn't help but laugh. It never stopped to amazing me how perceptive children were, especially Emma. Before I going to the hospital that day I had finished packing my apartment and was preparing for my return home.

"Well thank you, sweetie, but I am not nearly as beautiful as you. But yes I was kind of sad. I was thinking about my family and how long it has been since I've seen them," I explained.

"Why is that, Jasper? Don't you miss your mommy, daddy, brothers and sister?"

"Of course I miss them, but sometimes things happen that we have no control over. The best thing to do is figure out what is best for you and your family. At the time it was best that I leave. I needed to be on my own for a while. It has been a while though since I have seen them. My dad and mom visit me sometimes, but I haven't seen the rest of my family in a while!"

"Wow! Has anyone ever told you, you are really honest! Usually when I ask an adult a question they pat my head and try to brush me off." Again I laughed at her statement. She was just too adorable.

"But, Jasper, I think you should go home. I'm sure your family misses you. Probably your mommy misses you the most. I know if you were my brother I would really be sad if I didn't get to see you!"

Talk about a heart breaker. After it took me hours of debating with myself on whether or not I should go home, a little eight year old breaks it down it two sentences. And people thought children were too simple-minded to know anything about adult problems, myself included.

"Same here, sweetie, I would love to have a sister like you. But I think you're right; it is time for me to go home. It's been a long time coming. But, I hope you know how much I'm going to miss you!" I whispered to her, while playing with her stray hairs.

"I know, Jasper. I'm going to miss you too! You have been such a good friend to me." When she was finished tears started leaking out of her eyes.

"Don't cry, sweetie, you won't even have time to miss me. From what I hear, you will be going home soon. I couldn't be happier for you." I wiped the tears that ran down her cheek.

She giggled, "Your hands are always so cold. But I will miss you. If I were 15 years older I would make you my boyfriend and never let you go home to your family." Again I chuckled at her statement.

"You don't want me. You could do so much better! But I better be going. You are supposed to be sleeping, and if someone catches me in here, I could get you in trouble. We don't want that now do we?"

"No, sir, but remember what I said, Jasper. Don't be scared to go home. Remember the story of the prodigal son in the Bible" I gave her a small nod. "He was welcomed home with open arms."

How the hell an eight year old knew that story amazed me, but then again, she was right.

Before I left, I gently leaned over and kissed Emma on her forehead. I wasn't sure if I would ever see her again, but knew I would never forget her.

I'm not sure what it was about little girls in my world, but they seemed to have a penchant for saving me.

Emma closed her eyes, and just as she was on the brink of sleep and dreams, she whispered, "I'll miss you, Jasper!"

I turned around and answered her back, "I'll miss you too, sweetie."

The rain drops were now coming down in big fat drops, molding my wet clothes to my skin. Some people were looking at me, feeling like I was crazy to be sitting in this weather. I figured they were right. I got up from the bench and started the walk back to my apartment. The rain felt somewhat ironic. Some viewed the rain as a cleansing, washing away all that was unclean, and bringing new life. It provided life and made things grow. Water was essential to everyday existence; it was a continuous cycle.

My life had been hard and my problems endless, but the past two years had been my cleansing. My strength was displayed in my everyday decisions, my mind was clear and sharp, and my past always a reminder of my future. The journey to control my thirst was over, with that brought a new lease to my life. The only thing remaining in the uncharted waters of my life was facing my family once more.

I thought of Emma and her final advice to me, "Remember what I said, Jasper, don't be scared to go home. Remember the story of the prodigal son in the Bible; he was welcomed home with open arms." I guess we were about to see how right she was.

Author's Notes: Well, his solo journey is finally over, and the only unfinished business is . . . well you have to wait and read, but I'm sure you already have an idea. Some of you who have read this chapter may not have liked it or may have thought it repetitive, but I say that is unfortunate. I needed Jasper to explain in his own words and thoughts what he was going through and feeling. His journal gives us insight into what his narration doesn't about his thinking process. I wanted to tie up all the loose ends of the first part of the story.

Emma was a doll to write. She was a lot like Bella, and I believe that is why Jasper was so attached to her while working at the hospital. I just wanted to write a little scene about their relationship. I know it may seem out of place in the chapter, but I thought it fit in nicely with his final thoughts and his ending journey.

Well I think that is all I have to say. If you have any questions, you are always free to ask. I reply to all reviews and PM's. I hope you have enjoyed the first part of Jasper's journey, and hope you stick around for the next part . . . Bella. Yea! One more chapter to go before her appearance. Thanks to all those who reviewed, added this story to their alerts/favorites, and took the time to read. You're all amazing.

Much love!

Posted: 27 May 2010

Edited: 16 June 2011