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Completely Stunned
Part Twelve
Two Years Later – Jasper's POV
My high school career was finally over, to my immense relief. When one attended high school as much as my siblings and I, it tended to become a pain in the ass. Over the many decades, we had been to countless high schools in countless towns, but this was my last time. I understood why we went to go to school; it allowed us a chance to stay in a place longer so we didn't have to move as often. Carlisle and Esme provided so much love and happiness for us as a family, so it was the least we could do for them.
My decision not to go to high school anymore didn't really come as a surprise to me. I never enjoyed being around teenagers and having to feel their rollercoaster of emotions; the hormones alone where enough to kill a vampire. I knew that I wanted to do something else and expand my horizon. Now that my bloodlust was in complete control, I had an endless amount of possibilities I could do. Since I was turned at a later age then my siblings, I could branch outside the realm of high school, not worrying about anyone really question my age. I couldn't pull off thirty like Carlisle, but I wasn't too far behind. My age or appearance wouldn't be a real hindrance for me.
My final high school graduation was bitter sweet. I would no longer have to suffer the constant highs and lows of teenage life. I was moving on and closing a door to a significant part of my past. The two years that I attended Forks High passed quickly. I was a vampire and time was limitless, but those two years passed in the blinking of an eye.
Sitting under the rolling clouds of graduation day was surreal. I had done this numerous times, but I felt like it was the first time for me. My anxiety astonished me. I hardly ever got nervous, but this felt so final and it was. It was actually time for me to go out into the world again and make my new mark. It was time for me to embrace my goal and start on the road to medical school.
I had anticipated this day for two years and now that it was finally upon me, I was feeling anxious. I would be leaving at the end of summer and attending Oregon State University. I knew Esme couldn't take me being far from the family again so I decided to go there for my premed program. They had an excellent program, and I didn't feel like I was making any sacrifices. I would have started in the summer, but we were planning on spending it on Isle Esme. It was time for our family, without too many distractions.], not to mention unlimited access to the sun's rays. That was the best highlight.
I looked around at my fellow graduates, wondering what they were going to do with their lives. I pondered who they would meet and fall in love with, how many would be successful, and how many would live to see their first high school reunion. Emmett, Rose, and I were graduating this year and we were all headed to OSU. Alice and Edward had one more year before they were done, and joined us.
My decision to become a doctor was based on several things. While I was living in New York City and volunteering at the hospital, I realized it was something I wanted to pursue. Working with the children and cancer patients in general had opened my eyes further to the sanctity of human life. Carlisle always respected life and valued it, he was taught its meaning from a child, but my eyes saw clearly, for the first time, the struggle and effort people put into saving another's life. I was no stranger to death and the never-ending cycle of life, but working in the hospital gave me a new perspective. Taking Shelly's mortality was the catalyst for my decision.
Now that I had complete control, I wanted to take advantage of some of the opportunities. I wanted to be like Carlisle, making a difference in the life of others. I had taken so many lives over the years that this felt like my opportunity to help those who were in need. People made a difference everyday by doing the simple things in life and every action of kindness was commendable, but I wanted to be like Carlisle. I had the time and the resources to help make that difference. My decision to become a doctor just seemed the like the next logical step on my journey. It also felt like the right decision in my heart. Carlisle was the one who finally asked me the question.
…
Carlisle was sitting at his desk in his study, reading one of the many medical journals we received in the mail. His door was opened so I knocked out of politeness.
"Hey, son, what can I do for you?" Carlisle asked, looking up from his reading. I entered his office and took a seat on one of the chairs.
"I wanted your opinion on something. How good do you think my control is?" I was curious about his opinion.
"To be honest, Jasper, I'm amazed. The progress you have made in such a short time is wonderful. I always knew you had the strength and the fortitude to overcome your bloodlust. However, to have done it in the time you have is amazing. Now you don't seem to struggle at all. While in school you have no problems and there is never a need to monitor you. I don't think Alice and Edward know what to do with themselves anymore. You are completely self-sustained. You have such a strict schedule for feeding and you apply that to every aspect of your life. You seem to be in perfect balance." I was elated by his answer. I still needed his approval and acceptance.
"Thanks, Carlisle, that means a lot. My throat still flares from time to time, but I have absolutely no desire to feed off humans, and I never feel a temptation to even try. I know my throat will continue to flare, but I'm hoping that with time, it will be nonexistent like yours." Carlisle continued to stare at me and I could feel his curiosity rise.
"What is this about, son? What are you trying to tell me?" Here was the question I was dreading and looking forward to the most. My throat seemed to close up; I really didn't want to hear his doubt in my next goal or my future abilities.
"Well, after some thinking and major consideration I have come up with my next goal. I have put a lot of thought into it and have weighed my options. I know that one of the keys to my success was structure in my life and having a plan. My goal to control my thirst was accomplished through the patterns I set up for myself. It was also accomplished from the steps I took and the limitations I place on myself. Now that I can control my bloodlust without any trouble I want to go to medical school."
I literally held my breath waiting for Carlisle to comment and the potential let-down. Carlisle smiled at me before standing. He came around the desk and gave me a hug.
"You don't know how proud this makes me, Jasper." I smiled at him because I did have a sense of what he was feelings. "Okay maybe you do have some idea, but the depths of my pride in you are limitless. I know this is a very ambitious goal. I think it is a beautiful one. I will support you in any way I can. I know Esme will too. Do you have any idea as to where you want to go to school and what area of medicine you want to practice?" I was ecstatic. My worry was for naught. I should have never underestimated him. His trust in me was complete.
"Well, I'm not sure where I want to go to school yet. I was wondering if you could make some recommendations. I don't want to go to high school any more. I feel now that I am in control, my options are limitless. I want to help those who are in need. I have caused so much destruction and I wanted to help rectify it. I know it won't make up for my short comings, but it is a start in the right direction. It feels like the right choice for me."
"That's wonderful. I can make some suggestions, but it will ultimately be up to you. And I know what ever school you choose for your undergrad and advanced degree will be lucky to have you."
"I have been reading some of your medical journals and after volunteering at the hospital in New York City, I have decided I want to work with children or babies in some aspect, but other than that I really haven't given it a thought. I really wanted your opinion first before I got my hopes up."
"Jasper, I am honored that you value my opinion so much, but you don't need my blessing. You can do anything you want. Well maybe not sports or becoming an astronaut." Carlisle winked, "But your future is truly wide open. If you want to go into medicine, I know you will be a success. I would recommend that you start volunteering at the hospital again so you have more experience to put on your resume, and make sure you do well in school, which I know isn't a hardship for us to do. But if you succeed in school and get good recommendations then you can have your pick of any university."
Carlisle was wrong about me needing his blessing, but that was fine, he needed to be wrong at least once in his life. Now that I knew med school was a possibility, I had a lot to consider. It was now real and I needed to make my plans for the next phase of my new and almost limitless life. We were only into the first semester of my junior year of high school so I had time to volunteer and put it on my resume.
"Thanks, Carlisle. I really needed this talk. I wanted to know your thoughts and now that I know I have your blessing I'm ready. I'll go by the hospital on Monday and sign up. I'll do everything necessary to become a volunteer."
"No problem, son, and now that I know it is you taking my journals and not Emmett, I would like for you to return them." Carlisle winked. I could feel his humor and pride. I could also feel his mischievousness.
"Why are you feeling mischievousness?"
"I know in the past Emmett as taken my medical journals for some devious reason of his own, and I thought it was funny." I gave him a peculiar look, knowing he wasn't telling me everything. "Okay . . . fine," he budged. "I was thinking of mentioning it in front of Rose, but he is already in the dog house for trying on her favorite black teddy and tearing it. I don't think I will ever understand him," Carlisle finished while shaking his head.
Carlisle could be evil when he wanted. I loved when he was just one of the boys. Of course this only happened when we went on male hunting trips. Esme would lay into his ass if she knew some of his exploits. If we could only get Eddie to loosen up some, it would be perfect.
"I don't even want to fathom what makes Emmett tick, very scary thought indeed."
…
I was pulled out of my thoughts by the principal's voice calling the names of the graduates. I looked to my family in the stands and smiled. Esme was feeling really sad today. She knew that in a few months three of her children would be leaving home and making their way for at least a year into the world without them. Carlisle was also sad, but the majority of his emotions were pride. No matter how many times we went through this mundane process, he was always proud. He had his arm around Esme's shoulder while her head was buried in his chest. Edward was sitting on her other side, rubbing her back. The love they felt for her was amazing to witness. She was the heart of our family.
As all of our names were called and we received our diplomas, I thought about these two years and all that happened. They were wonderful years filled with so much love and happiness. We had our fights and arguments, but the love for our family surpassed any petty arguments we had. There was one moment that was my hardest to relive. It was hard for me to think about, but it also gave me much joy.
When graduation was finally over and after many pictures on Esme's request, we made our way home and got ready for our trip to Isle Esme. The rest of the family went out for a celebratory hunt, but I declined to go. When I was finished packing, I laid on my bed, starting my meditation process. After I was relaxed and in a proper state of mind, I allowed my thoughts to wander back to last summer and that moment where my world was right again, and then my subsequent emotional relapse.
…
My interview had gone well. I really didn't fear rejection. I was pretty confident I was going to get into Oregon State University. It was the summer before my senior year of high school. My grades were outstanding and the recommendations I received from my teachers and doctors at the hospital were very praising. The college interview was mandatory, but I was a shoe in. I had no worries. My flight was in an hour and I couldn't wait to tell Esme the good news. She was worried about me going to the east coast again, not returning home ever again. Even though she tried to hide her fear, I could still feel it. I knew she never wanted her kids to leave, but she also wanted to give us the room to live our lives. It was a hard balance for a mother to find, but Esme did pretty well.
I had my day of the week, which I devoted to her. After all the years of taking her for granted, I wanted her to be reassured of my love. So on Wednesdays, Esme and I would spend the remainder of the day together. Sometimes I would play my cello for her, other times she and I would go and take pictures of different things around the different towns. I would help her garden sometimes, and lately we had gotten in the habit of going antiquing. My time with Esme was wonderful and I knew she appreciated it.
After the short flight from Oregon to Seattle, we landed at Sea Tac Airport, and I made my way to the baggage claim area. I was passing some of the boarding gates when a smell caught my attention. I was completely stunned. My body seemed to have lost all of its mobility. This was what I had been waiting for. Three years had passed but I would never forget that smell, it was imprinted on my soul, freesia.
I closed my eyes and inhaled that sweet scent that put me onto the path I was walking today. My little, brown-eyed angel was near. I convinced myself that I would never see her again; my time with her was over and her only purpose in my life was to share some of her childlike faith in me. She was there to give me the confidence I needed at the time and the realization to look beyond myself and think of others. I had allowed myself the false hope that I would see her again, but then I had to leave that behind. It made me erratic and made me do things I knew were dangerous. I had worked hard at regaining my sanity and I needed to be careful.
I took in one more breath of the freesia-scented air and turned around. I searched for Bella, but was having a hard time finding her through all the throngs of people. I knew that Alice was waiting for me at baggage claim, but I needed to find out if this was the little angel. I knew her smell, and even though I hadn't smelled it in a while, I was not mistaken.
As I was looking for her, I was hit with the strongest emotions I had felt in a while. My knees almost buckled on me, but I was able to stand. People were looking at me, wondering if I was alright. Sadness and grief were the strongest. I also felt worry and dread. The longer I felt these emotions, the more I was sure Bella was around. My mind started to race with the possibility of actually seeing her. I needed to see her. I wanted her light and goodness to fill me. It had been such a long time. I wondered what she was doing in Washington and why she was feeling such distress. I wanted to make her happy and take away all her fear.
I turned around again and saw a flight that was going to Phoenix. This had to be it. The flight attendant was calling for last minute boarders. I started to panic, had I missed my chance of seeing her, was she walking down the terminal already? It wasn't fair that I was able to know she was there but even glimpse her. Then I heard a woman call out her name.
"Bella, it's time to go. I'm sorry, baby, but we need to go." I looked to my left and then I saw her. My world stood still, I was captivated by the little angel whose heart was breaking. Her head was bent over and her long brown hair covered her face. She had her hands folded in her lap, and I could tell she was crying. My heart broke for her tragic feelings. I wondered what happened to make her feel this anguish.
"Come on, baby, we're going to miss our flight home," her mother whispered in her ear. Bella wiped her eyes and stood up.
She moved her hair behind her ears and I was able to see my first glimpse of her in three years. She would be about thirteen going on fourteen. Her hair fell to her lower back, and she had grown a few inches. Some of her baby fat had melted away, leaving her face more adolescent looking. Her eyes were still big as ever and she was a little stunner. Her tears seemed to make her more real. Even though she seemed to live in Arizona, her complexion was a pale white, like she never went out in the sun. Her paleness didn't make her look pasty; just translucent and fragile.
I took a breath and looked at her eyes. Bella couldn't see me so I took the opportunity to look at those eyes that followed my every step these last three years. Her cinnamon orbs sparkled with her tears. They were a deep brown with flecks of dark green around her irises; they were beautifully tragic. I wanted to wipe the tears that fell from off her cheeks. I never wanted to see her sad, and her heartbreak was crushing me. Bella took her mother's hand and headed for the gate. I couldn't seem to move. I wanted to take my little angel and wrap her in my comfort. I wanted to see a smile grace her lips.
I didn't understand why I couldn't move. My angel was leaving and I was wasting my opportunity to comfort her by just standing here. I needed to get to her now. As I was about to walk toward her, my mind started to work again. I could feel my mind trying to push the Bella induced mist away and think clearly. I realized I couldn't just walk up to her and hug her. I would probably get arrested. She probably didn't remember me any ways, it had been a while ago and she had been distressed. My heart broke at the thoughts. Bella had been such a big part of my life, she had influenced me and helped me change for the better. She probably didn't know who I was. But that didn't matter. I wanted to take away her sadness. She was too good and precious to feel such strong feelings of despair.
Renee gave the agent the tickets and they started for the plane. Why was I not doing anything? I needed Bella to remember me. I needed her to know about the impact she had on my life. I needed to make sure she was really here. What the fuck was the matter, I needed to move but I couldn't. As Renee and Bella were about to turn the corner, I threw Bella the strongest amount of calm that I could muster. I wanted to give her some sort of comfort, and this was the only way I could think of. My heart broke again at the thought, but then something amazing happened. Bella turned around and looked into my eyes, my soul lit up so bright. For the first time since I had seen her, my soul felt complete; my soul felt like it was on fire, and I would never be cold again. This was the completion I had been missing. I knew that her light and her bond outshone everything. I had forgotten how bright it was.
She looked into my eyes and stopped in her tracks. She squinted, as if to see me better. She then recognized me and she started to cry again. I raised my hand, gently waving to her. She continued to stare at me and then she spoke.
"Jasper," she whispered. I smiled at her as if to answer her question. She started to smile through her tears.
Her mother and the ticket agent started getting impatience. They were trying to get her attention, but she was caught in my gaze.
"Bella, it's time to go now. I know you are hurting, but we need to go. We are holding everyone up." Bella ignored her mother and tried to pull her hand from her grip.
"Bella, stop this right now. We are holding up all of these people, and it's time to leave."
"Jasper," Bella whispered again. She was starting to feel some hope through her sadness. My heart soared because I was able to offer her something in her time of need. Bella tried to pull her hand free again, but her mother wasn't letting go.
"Bella, there is no Jasper. How many times do I have to tell you? I have let you have your fantasies but this is not the time. It's time to act like an adult and get on the plane. Do I make myself clear?"
I was starting to get angry with her mother. It wasn't like she was the paragon of what an adult should be, and here was her daughter in her time of need being scolded because she was looking for me. My heart was happy at the idea that Bella had called for me before. She remembered me and I had brought her some comfort in her trials. My heart was feeling so many emotions and I was starting to fall apart.
"There is a Jasper, mom. How many times do I have to tell you? Please believe me. I wouldn't lie to you!" she pleaded with her mother. Her voice was thick with tears. It hadn't changed much over the years.
"We are not going through this again, Bella. It's time to leave."
People were starting to stare at them. I was still across the way from her and hadn't moved. Her mother was tugging at her and no matter how much Bella pulled back, she couldn't get away. While I watched, my mind became more active. I needed to get to Bella and protect her; she needed me in her time of sorrow. My feet started to move toward her; it felt like the part of my soul that was hers was fighting to get to my little angel. The rational part of my mind knew that I couldn't run to her at vampire speed. I would give us away, and we couldn't afford the Volturi on our case. I walked as fast as I dare, but it wasn't fast enough.
"Jasper, please help me, you said you would be there. I need you!" the little angel pleaded with me, effectively breaking me. Tears were running down her face, her brown eyes were rimmed red from crying. Her anguish was so strong. I knew I wouldn't get to her in time.
My erratic thoughts were screaming for me to run and never let her out of my sight, to protect her no matter the cost; the rational part of my mind was telling me to think about all that Carlisle and my family had sacrificed, and to not expose what we really were. My heart was breaking from all of the conflicting thoughts and emotions. But I knew in the end there was nothing I to be done. I would never get to Bella, and even if I did, there could be major trouble. Right before Bella turned the corner, I raised my hand to her and waved goodbye. She looked at me, tears soaking her eyes, and gave me a little smile.
She realized that I would never get to her. She understood there was nothing I could do. I pushed all of my reassurance, love, and peace toward my little angel so she would be comforted in knowing that I cared for her. Her smile grew bigger. She seemed to realize that the feelings she was experiencing were from me. I'm not sure how she knew, but the important thing is she did.
"Be happy, little angel. I'm sorry," I mouthed the words her. Bella nodded.
"Thanks, Jasper, I love you! I always remembered and I always will," she whispered through her tears, and they became my own. My heart was screaming at me to do something, but there was nothing to be done. My soul literally felt like it was being ripped in two. The pain was immense, but I didn't let Bella see it. I needed to be strong for her, even if it was just for a second. Right before she turned the corner she looked at me one more time.
"I love you too, little one!" I said allowed this time. She nodded her head, letting me know she heard my words. With one more wave of her little hand she was gone out of my sight. I could still feel her emotions. She was feeling a little content, but still really sad. But I had given her just a little relief from her troubles.
"Thank you, Jasper. I knew you would come when I needed you the most. You wouldn't break your promise," I could hear her whisper.
"Bella, for the last time there is no Jasper," Renee scolded.
"Okay, Renee," Bella answered through her tears. "There is no Jasper." I could feel the relief from her mother, but I could also tell that Bella was lying.
She knew I was there for her and that warmed my aching soul. My little angel had been taken from me again. I had waited for three long years to see her and my wish was granted. I was glad I could do something for her in return. I waited for her to board the plane. I could still feel her, and even thought she was feeling depressed, the point was I could feel her. Bella had really been there and for that one moment in time our paths crossed again, our bond was strengthened. As the plane pulled out of the gate, I immersed myself in her feelings, letting my soul feel hers and then just like that she was gone.
Bella was gone again and all I wanted to do was have her back. My irrational thoughts told me to run after the plane, get to her before she disappeared. The sane part of my brain said it was time to go home and be thankful that I was able to see her again. I didn't know what side to listen to. My mind was at war. All I recognized was Bella was gone, and I didn't even know why she was crying. I had to get the hell out of the airport. I didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to hold it together. My mind was fucking me up. I needed to clear it.
…
When I approached the baggage claim, I could see Alice standing there with tears in her eyes. She had obviously seen what I went through. Her tears were not what I needed right now. Alice understood what I wanted and led me out to the car. I quickly got in and shut my door. Alice had already started the car and we were on our way back home. My mind was warring for me to turn around and go after my little angel, but I knew I couldn't. My mind was screaming for me to do all of these different things at one time, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt trapped in my mind. I needed to get out of the car.
"Alice, you need to pull the fucking car over. I need to get out of here!" I looked around and saw that we were in a wooded area; I would have a chance to run. I wanted to get out of my head and find something physical I could anchor myself to. I felt alone, and my darkness I held at bay for months was capturing me again. My mind was running in circles. Something had to be done.
When Alice pulled over, I quickly ran into the woods and took off. I needed something that would help me to clear my thoughts. I needed something to hold on to and take me out of the darkness. I needed my little angel. I never thought that if I saw her again, this would be my reaction. I envisioned myself happy and enjoying the light she brought into my life, I never imagined I would sink into my irrational fog. I had worked so hard to change this negative behavior and structure my life. I never wanted to be in that place again, but I felt like I was sinking fast.
A few deer passed my trail, and I needed the substance, I needed something that was normal and a part of my routine, maybe then I could come out of my erratic fog. After taking several down, I sank to the ground, trying to control my breathing, allowing my mind to concentrate on something so mundane. It started to work somewhat after about fifteen minutes. I could feel my mind trying to center on what was positive. Possibly, if I could think about my family and all of the blessings they gave to me, I wouldn't see all that was lacking in my life.
After thirty minutes of meditation and breathing, I had become reasonably calm. I could feel my mind shifting from crazy thoughts to more rational ideas. When I finally opened my eyes I realized Alice was sitting next to me. I was so caught up in my sorrows and contemplations I hadn't even realized she was there.
I held out my hand, and she took it without pause. Alice had become one of my best friends. I still loved her deeply. She intertwined my fingers with hers and sat down next to me. The anxiety I felt in losing Bella again was still high, and Alice's comfort was amazing. She gave me the anchor that I needed to focus on. I brought our entwined hands to my lips and placed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand. Alice just smiled and laid down beside me. I could feel the skin on her arms rub mine. It sent shivers of awareness down my spine.
Her contact was something I started to crave. I took Alice into my arms and laid her head on my chest. When she was situated I ran my fingers through her soft hair. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel the connection of someone real and someone that was next to me. Her reactions matched mine, and I clung to those feelings. I needed something that wasn't centered on Bella, as much as it hurt me to admit that. Alice seemed to be providing me with my release. I didn't allow myself to think of anything but her and the reactions she coaxed out of me.
I opened my eyes and looked down at her. She was drawing circles on my chest with her fingers. I put my hand under her chin and lifted her face to meet mine. We stared into each other's eyes and silently communicated what we were feeling. I ran my fingers from her chin to the apples of her cheek. Alice leaned into my touched and sighed at the sensation of my fingers grazing her skin. Her response stirred something in me. It took me back to a time when Alice was my comforter. In my times of trials and heartache, she would allow me to lose myself in her. She was my lover and had provided me with a physical release my body craved.
Alice looked into my eyes and I could tell she was thinking the same thing. I allowed past memories to consume my every thought; the way I would kiss her, the way I felt when I moved inside of her, the way she would respond to my kisses along her neck. I subconsciously knew these were dangerous thoughts, but I did nothing to hinder them. I wanted to feel something real, and I wanted my body to feel what only a physical release could bring. I wanted to lose myself in Alice. I closed my eyes and brought my lips to hers. I gently skimmed my lips against hers, waiting for her reaction and her ultimate rejection, but it never came. Alice answered my kiss with so much raw passion and intensity it left me speechless. I brought my hands to the back of her neck, massaging her skin while changing the angle.
As I continued to kiss Alice, my mind became blank. The only thing I hung onto was the anchor she provided me with. My mind slipped even further into my wild abandon; I kissed her even harder, making her feel my need and my heartache, the darkness that crept over me. My hands found their way into her short soft hair, and it brought me back to a time when I ran my fingers through Bella's hair, hair spun by angels themselves. I knew the comparison wasn't fair to Alice, but my mind was beyond the realm of impartiality.
Thinking about my angel's hair caused her face to once more come to the forefront of my mind. Bella's unbelievable sadness brought me out of my mindless actions and I realized in that moment what I was actually doing. In not thinking clearly, I threw Alice off of me and she went flying. I bent over my knees, my forehead touching the ground. I tried catching my breath, allowing time for my ever-changing mind to catch up. I had kissed Alice out of desperation, wanting to feel something other than fear to ward off the feeling of abandon. I had needed to cling to something that was real, something that I could touch and in turn touch me.
In trying to think coherent thoughts and not allow myself to become riotous, I did just the opposite. Seeing Bella in pain was almost beyond imaginable, and trying to be strong for her was harder than I anticipated. Her pain became my own, her sorrow became my own, and her painful heartbeats became my own, the rhythm to which her pain and mine coursed to. I allowed my lunatic thoughts to finally take over, and did something that should have never happened. I had taken advantage of Alice and her past feelings for me. I had used her in the worst way possible. We were no longer together, and it wasn't right for me to make myself feel better by using her as an outlet for my present insanity. I felt like gagging at my actions. I felt as if I had let Bella down in some imaginary way, but couldn't quite figure out how.
'Bella, Bella . . . she had actually been in front of me,' I thought.
I repeated her name over and over again in my mind. I allowed our special friendship to become the only thought in my head, and tried to push out all the other things that wanted to send me over the edge. Her bond to me became my sanity, and her light that always shined, even in her grief, filled me up and dissipated the lingering illogical fog from my mind. I dropped to my back and willed the ground to swallow me.
I was beyond embarrassed about my actions. I permitted myself to become senseless after all the time I spent in trying to tame my fanatical behavior. I had failed Bella in not being able to protect her, and I had failed in my friendship with Alice, by using her as some kind of emancipation from my mind. I truly felt sickened by my actions, but I knew that the ground wasn't going to be my saving grace. I had to face the mistake I made. I turned to my right side and looked at Alice. I already knew she was there. She was leaning up against a tree with her knees drawn into her chest, her head was bowed. I could feel the disgust I had for myself rise, but I pushed it aside. I needed to concentrate on Alice. I continued to look at her, as my mind continued to wind down. I needed to make sure I was in complete control of myself. After my steady breathing, and knowing I was going to somewhat alright, I pulled my form from the ground and sat up.
"Alice." I whispered, not wanting to take her by surprise.
I could feel her shame radiating from her tiny body. My own guilt almost consumed me as I watched. She had nothing to feel sorry about. I had taken advantage of her in my weakness, and allowed myself to become carried away. The blame was fully on my shoulders, and I felt the weight of that load.
"Alice, I'm so sorry," I whispered to her again, wanting to take away her sadness, like I wanted to take away Bella's. Alice still didn't move and I was starting to become worried. "Alice, answer me," I commanded her. The harshness of my voice must have awakened her because she lifted her head and finally looked at me. Her face was shrouded in misery, and her emotions were not far from that. "I'm sorry," I apologized. I wanted to kick myself for not being able to convey anything else to her.
"Jas . . ." she started to say but stopped. She ran her hands through her disheveled hair, and I slightly smiled. Alice chose that moment to look up and stared at me with shock.
"I know it is inappropriate for me to be smiling, but I've never seen your hair in such a wild state before. You're always so immaculate and well put together; I'm not even sure why I seem to find that funny," I explained, trying to make my voice and thoughts serious again.
Alice gave me a small smile in return. I could tell she also thought it was funny. She did look like a deranged, little pixie.
"Enough, Jasper, I know I must look affright." Her smile still lingered on her lips.
However, the next moment we both came crashing down into reality, and I wasn't sure what to say to her. She deserved an explanation because of my actions. I inhaled deeply and prepared myself to tell her about something that gave me both sadness and immense joy. The sadness stemmed from what I had almost done to Bella when we first met (in my madness), and the happiness came from my knowing her.
"The thing is, Alice . . . the reason I acted the way I did was . . ." My inability to not articulate coherently was making me frustrated. I wanted to explain to Alice, but I also wanted to keep Bella to myself.
She was my angel and my private salvation. It made no sense, but I didn't want to share those memories with anyone. I barley spoke of her even with Peter. The little bit I had revealed to him felt like a huge invasion of privacy. I did feel better with his reassurance about her, but I didn't want to share, I never claimed to be perfect.
Alice was looking down at her designer shoes and picking at some of the leaves that littered the ground. "I know," she finally whispered, which caught me off guard. My instant surprise turned to relief than a little anger. Sometimes I truly loathed her visions. "I'm sorry, Jasper, but it's not like I asked to have this gift!" she defended fairly. She made perfect sense.
"Sometimes, I just wish you couldn't see some of the horrors of my actions. But also, Bella is a very private thing to me. I haven't even discussed her with Carlisle, and as you know, I tell him mostly everything." She gave me a little nod of her head. But then I could feel something else coming from her. When she looked at me I could read the confirmation in her eyes. I felt angered and betrayed by her.
"I know, Jasper," she said again, saying my full name for the second time. I knew she was very distressed. She only said my full name in times of great anxiety. I still felt betrayed by her actions. She had known all along, and she gave me no warning, allowed me to go completely destroyed and broken. "There was nothing I could do, Jazz. I could have warned you, but what would have that accomplished? Trust me when I say I saw all the possible outcomes and it changed nothing."
"That was one of the visions that made you leave me, wasn't it?" I already knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it from her lips. I needed to know for certain.
"You think I wanted to leave you?" she countered, her hands fisted in her hair. "I would have fought anything and everything to hold onto us, Jasper. You weren't the only one going through hell. I loved you beyond reason, and my life changed just as much as yours." I was speechless at her confession. I had assumed she would have been inconsolable, but hearing her actually say the words brought it to a whole other level.
"Alice, I'm not sure –" I started to say, but she immediately cut me off.
"No, Jasper, you don't have to say anything. I don't want your pity, and I don't deserve to be pitied. We all have to make sacrifices and choices. I chose to let you go in the hopes that you could finally become what you were always meant to be: healed, Jazz. You deserved to finally look at yourself and see what everyone else saw, someone worth fighting for. When you first came home, again, and asked me what I had been doing, I intentionally ignored the question. I didn't want you to pity me, I wanted you to see me as strong and the Alice you remembered." She was curled into a tight little ball as she finished her explanation.
"I'm still not sure what to say, Ali. You are amazing, and I never deserved you in my life, but I'm sure as hell glad that you are."
She raised her head from the ground and her venom filled her eyes. I picked myself up and made my way over to her. I plucked her up and placed her next to me. I pulled her into my arms, allowing my thankfulness and love to surround us. Alice whimpered, but I could also feel her comfort and peace.
It had taken two years, but I think we were finally coming to an understanding about our past, and putting it where it belonged. The pain, longing, heartache, torment, and every other thing we had felt were slowly dissipating. I knew there would always be some piece of us that mourned for our past love, but in finally talking about the past, we were able to move on. I kissed her forehead and pulled away. Alice looked at me, giving me a small reassuring smile.
"Thank you, Jazz." I
"No thanks needed, pixie." She giggled and moved over, putting some space in between us. I grabbed her hand and squeezed.
"I also owe you an apology for earlier. I'm sorry for using you, Ali. I needed to feel something real and you were available. I should have never taken advantage of you, and I knew it was wrong. I'm also sorry for pushing you away so severely and suddenly." She started to reply but I wouldn't allow her to take any of the blame. She may have felt something in my kissing her, but that was to be expected. It still wasn't her fault. "No, Alice, I won't allow you to take any of the blame. Please just feel my remorse, and let it be enough. I don't want to hear an apology coming from your mouth." She smirked and I knew I won. I gave her a smirk of my own and just like that, a weight was pulled off my shoulder.
"I do love you, Alice," I reassured her again, wanting her to know how I felt.
"I know, Jazz. And, I love you." We gave each other one more intimate look, smiled, and put everything we discussed away.
And then as if the gates had finally opened, I willingly told Alice about all that had happened with my angel. She already knew what went down, but she never knew my feelings on the subject, what I had really felt.
". . . and when I saw the little angel today, I was stunned. I never thought I would have the opportunity to see her again. Then all of the things I felt and the promise I made to her came rushing back. The bond that we share and her part of my soul was filled with light and it almost blinded me. Then I realized she was going through some major pain. I'm not sure what happened, but I just wanted to comfort her. I wanted to give her the peace she gave to me once upon a time. She turned around and recognized me, Alice. My soul rejoiced that the little angel didn't forget me; she even called out to me in her troubles. She trusted me to be there for her and she knew I would. She had that blind faith in me still, and it warmed my soul. I never truly understood the connection we have, but I know it is strong and completely consuming. I have such a problem with my rational thoughts when she is near. All I want to do is make her happy and see her smile; my soul almost craves it. When Bella told me thank you and she loved me, I about lost my mind. I wanted to be in her presence always. Her mother took her away, and all I wanted was to take her back. Crazy, hmm . . .
When I couldn't feel her anymore and knew she was gone again, I needed to leave before I did something unpredictable. I could feel it building up. When we got here and I started to kiss you, I wanted to release my pain, but then I couldn't do it at your expense. You deserve more respect from me." Alice looked away into the woods, but I felt her gratefulness. I had done the right thing in stopping myself from going further.
"Thank you, Jazz," she finally whispered into the night.
…
The bed creaked beneath my weight as I switched my positions. Thinking about that time, and seeing Bella again made me almost restless. My need for her never diminished, but that evening in the woods I learned several things: my need for Bella would always be there and I could be consumed with it. I also learned that Alice loved me endlessly, and she became one of my best friends, besides Carlisle. When I had a problem and I didn't want to confide in Carlisle (which was very rare), I knew Alice would listen without judgment. She'd give me her honest opinion. She respected my privacy and gave me space when I required it.
I often thought of Bella and wondered what she was going through. I prayed that she was well and taken care of; she deserved so much. I knew she was meant for extraordinary things and she could accomplish anything she set her mind to. As she grew and progressed in her life, I wanted her to have happy experiences, filled with so much warmth and love. I hoped her mother provided her with the opportunities. I hoped she had an Esme and Carlisle in her life, to give her all that her heart desired. Bella embodied her name both in spirit and heart, it was the perfect fit for her: beautiful.
It was now the end of my high school phase and tomorrow we would be leaving for Isle Esme. Bella would be starting her sophomore year, and I silently wished her all the luck and success. My next step was premed and then medical school, I wanted to become the person she could be proud of and the person she could always put her faith in. And with regard to my family, I wanted to make them proud of me and my achievements. I knew the next part of my life would be long and difficult, but with the love of my family, Shelly's vision of life, and Bella's unwavering belief in me, I would succeed.
I would always hold onto my connection and the memories I had of Bella, never allowing them to wander to far from my conscious mind. I knew I would see her again one day. When that time came, she would be proud of the person I would become, and she would smile while her jade-speckled eyes glistened with her happiness, because she always believed in me.
Author's Notes: Alright everyone, there you have it; finally some Jasper and Bella interaction. I wasn't sure about writing this chapter, and was very nervous to post it. I knew it was only a memory of Jasper's from when he saw Bella, but I think it was the right way to write it. I needed to put more information into this chapter and writing it this way allowed me to. I also needed to have some closure for Alice and Jasper.
This chapter sets up the rest of this story. There is a lot planned for our favorite couple. More time will pass, but don't worry, it is Bella and Jasper's turn. I won't keep them apart in the chapters anymore. The next post will be what I call entr'acte. It will finally be a Bella's POV. We will learn why she was upset, and what has been going on in her life. I'm excited to post it.
I wanted to especially thank Calliso for her unwavering support, especially with this chapter. Your help was wonderful, and thanks for the advice.
Please let me know what you thought. The entr'acte should be up on Saturday. It will not be nearly this long. It is more of a bonus chapter, if you will. Thus the name Entr'acte . . .
Much love.
Posted: 10 June 2010
Edited: 17 June 2011