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Entr'acte

The sound of the engines of the plane drowned out the noise from my crying. Life sometimes never was fair. I never liked Washington. I was a child of the sun, loving the feel of the soft, warm rays on my skin; although, one could never tell by how pale my skin was. Even though I was born in Washington, Arizona was my state of choice, not because of my mom, but because of the weather. When I was a baby, my mother Renee left my father and took me along for the ride. Of course I never had a choice because she had custody of me.

I would occasionally visit my father in the summers for a couple weeks. I would either meet him in California – where the rest of his family was – or I would spend the time with him in Forks, Washington. My father was a police officer in the small town that he lived in, and he loved his job. When I was with him it was sometimes awkward because we didn't have a lot of hobbies in common. However, our personalities were still alike and I knew my father tried. We were both quiet to a fault and never comfortable expressing our emotions to each other. 'I love you' was not a common phrase in the Swan household. Even though my dad Charlie never told me out loud, I still knew he loved me. I could see it in his eyes and the way he always tried to protect me from the big, bad world. I was and would always be his little girl; it was the way of fathers since the beginning of man. Or so I liked to believe. I also looked like my father. We had the same dark hair and plain brown eyes. Charlie always said my eyes were like melted chocolate with mint chips in them. I smiled at the memory.

…

"Your eyes aren't plain, Bells," he laughed.

"Yes they are, dad. What are you looking at?" I rolled my eyes at him. Charlie just poked me in the ribs making me giggle.

"They look like melted chocolate sprinkled with mint chips. Your eyes are brown, but when you really care about someone or something, or when you are upset they have green specks in them. They are beautiful. It's like your mom says 'your eyes are the window to your soul' or something like that." I smiled at him. It was rare when he was sentimental with me. I cherished the moments.

"Thanks, dad. I know you are trying to make me feel better and I appreciate it, but I know you are full of it." Charlie stood up and walked in front of me. I was getting nervous thinking I crossed the line. He bent down and grabbed my face.

"You aren't plain, kiddo. You are beautiful." Tears filled my eyes without permission. Charlie cleared his throat.

"Thanks, dad. That means a lot to me, really." I gave him a little smile.

"Well," he said, clearing his throat again because he was becoming uncomfortable with my water works. "It's the truth kiddo – plus your eyes turn dark brown when I tickle you!" he shouted.

His fingers found my ribs and my stomach. I was laughing so hard my emotional tears turned into happy tears. Charlie laughed along with me. His laugh was deep and rumbled in his chest; he had the greatest laugh. When he finished tickling me, he wiped my tears and looked into my eyes.

"See, dark brown. I love every shade of your eyes, kiddo, and I love you." My heart swelled with love for my dad.

…

"Bella, baby, it's time to wake up." I sat up with a start. I must have been dreaming of my time with Charlie. I was nine years old that year and spent the summer with him. We had a great time that year. We hung out a lot, just the two of us. He made an effort to do what I liked and I went fishing with him.

I wiped the sleep from my eyes and realized they were still wet. Renee dried the tears from my cheeks and placed a kiss where her hands were.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this, baby. I know you didn't get to spend much time with your father, but he loved you more than anything in his world. All he ever wanted to do was protect you and make you happy."

"I know, mom," I answered brokenly. "Can we please not talk about this right now? I would just like to go home and lay down," I pleaded with Renée.

"Sure, baby, we can do what you want." She looked at me again, I could tell she wanted to say something else, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear it. I could see she was sad too, and I wanted her to feel better.

"What is it, mom?"

"You can always read people so well. It's just when I look at you, it reminds me of your father. You look so much like him and you were always more like him then me. You are my middle-aged child."

I knew I hadn't been ready to hear her words. My eyes filled with tears, and I wiped them quickly. Renee never realized that it made me self conscious when she made that remark to me. I tried not to act old, but I couldn't really help it, it's the way I was built. I smiled at her, not wanting to alert her to my hurt feelings. I got out of my seat.

After getting our baggage and a cab home, I entered my room and lay down on my bed. My heart hurt. I missed my father, and I wanted him back. I never had had enough time with him. Now he was lost forever. He would never tickle me again, he would never pester me about going fishing with him and he would never pester me about not knowing anything about sports. I would never sit in my father's lap again as he comforted me when I was sad. Most importantly, I would never be a daddy's girls again. My father was gone and there was nothing I could do. I would forever miss the love of my father.

The funeral was what you would expect for a cop. He was honored for his services followed by a seven gun salute. I was given the flag that draped him. I clutched it to my chest. My tears dampened the cloth, and Renée put her arms around me. I was still missing my father. My mother couldn't fill that hole in my heart. My father was my unspoken hero, he always would be and nothing would change that.

I rolled onto my side, thinking about another person who came into my life like an Arizona wind and swept right out just as quickly. I often thought about my phantom angel. I had never wanted to go to that horrible camp, but Renee wanted to go on her retreat; who was I to stop her. She deserved to live her life the way she chose. She had become pregnant pretty young, being a mother never really crossed her mind until I came along. As I grew older she never knew how to deal with me; I was so very different than her in every aspect of my life. Where I was content, she was a free spirit; where I felt at peace, she felt restless.

Renee lived her life on the cusp of existence: always trying new things and living for the moment. I was more rational, looking at life differently. By the time I was nine, I started taking care of Renee. I would cook and clean, I paid the bills and made sure we had food in the house. I never faulted Renee for her oversight; it was just the way she was. I loved my mom, but we were just different. I reminded her of Charlie and she left him because she was too young to settle down and wanted to experience what the world held for her. Renee wasn't built for a life in the suburbs. She always cautioned me about marrying early, encouraging me to live my life for me, and not to settle at a young age. This was all good advice, but I just wasn't her. I just took her advice with a grain of salt.

My mind traveled back to when I had first met my phantom angel. When I went on that hike and fell down the trail, I knew I was in trouble. After coming to, from passing out, I tried to stand but my foot was too damaged. There was no where I could go. No matter how loud I called out, no one came for me. I was scared for Renee and Charlie. I was there only child and they loved me so fully. They would be scared and going out of their minds. Charlie was the strong silent type, but he would eventually break down on the inside. I didn't want them to be scared, but there was nothing to do. I started to cry, thinking there was a good possibility I wouldn't be found. I didn't want to die. But being accident prone, I was accustomed to these incidents. I tired myself out from crying. The next thing I knew, I was waking up and a beautiful broken angel was in front of me.

I could tell Jasper was sad from the first time I looked into his eyes. There was so much anguish and pain. I felt myself wanting to take it away all from him. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. His skin was so white, but was I could see he had faint scars on his arms. I wondered what could have caused them. My heart broke for the pain he suffered. His skin was flawed but still beautiful. His eyes were this unbelievable shade of imperial topaz that glowed in the light. His blond, curly hair fell into his eyes, casting a shadow over his brows. The pain in his orbs spoke to my soul, and all I could think about was how tragically beautiful he was.

I realized what I was thinking and blushed. I hated when my cheeks gave away my embarrassment. A light bulb went off in my head; Jasper would help get me back to my parents. I had no fear of him. There was something about him that spoke comfort to me. The immediate connection I felt with him scared the living daylights out of me. No matter how much I tried to think otherwise, the bond between our souls was there and real. I felt like Renee when she was on her flights of fancy. And when our time was over I was heartbroken. I never knew if I would see Jasper again, but he promised me that he would always be there.

When I closed my eyes and listened to him speak to me for that last time, I knew that I loved Jasper. It was crazy and made no sense, but it was just the way I felt. I couldn't explain myself. I was lost to him and my soul would always be united with his.

Over the years, I would call out for him, to save me from my nightmares and to save me when I didn't want either of my parents. He was with me when I had no friends and felt my loneliest. He was with me when my mother went on one of her crazy streaks and brought me along. He was with me when I needed him the most. Even though he never showed up physically, I could still feel his worry and concern for me internally. I knew without a shadow of a doubt he was really there no matter what Renee said to me. She didn't have to believe me about Jasper. He lived in my heart. I thought about earlier and actually seeing him in person since the last time we met on a star-filled night.

…

My father's death was the hardest things that I ever had to live through. I would feel his loss and abstinence from my life forever. No amount of time would change the love I felt for him or take away the memories we shared. I loved him since the day I was born, and I would love him to my dying day. The first night after he died, I called out for Jasper to come and take away my pain. I wanted him to be there for me like he was in my time of need when my life was in danger. He had promised, and I knew he would be there eventually. Renee was mad because I would call out for him in my time of need, but I couldn't help it. Jasper had been there for me, and I had felt safe with him. My soul felt comforted by his. I needed that now more than any other thing.

After Charlie's services, and after we were done packing his house, Renee and I left to the airport; it was time to go home. My father was gone, and I was leaving him here to sleep forever. I still hadn't seen Jasper and it added to my anguish. I thought that I would see him – even if it was for a minute. They were childish dreams that I never grew out of. So with another look around and a piece of my innocence lost, I got in the rental car and headed to the airport. After checking our bags and locating our gate, I sat down and started to cry for my losses. I cried for my father, all of the things he would miss out on. I cried for my lost innocence and the realization that I would never see Jasper again. I must have zoned out because Renee was telling me it was time to go. I took another deep breath before standing up. It was time to face the truth. I said a silent goodbye to my childhood hero and my phantom angel. I followed my mother to my bleak future.

Then without any warning, I felt that peace I had felt only once before. My battered heart stopped for a second before it started beating again. I was stunned and scared all at once. My heart would break even more if I was wrong. I turned around slowly and saw the person who my soul cried for the most. Tears filled my eyes, clouding my vision of him. I always knew he would be there. My soul was filled with such a radiance I thought I would go blind. I would never understand this bond I had with Jasper, but somehow he was the other half of me. He was my friend and my comforter. He was my savior in my time of need. His very presence in my life made everything brighter. Even if I never knew him, my soul would still be his. Our bond was not romantic, but it was filled with love and a deep friendship. He smiled at me and waved his beautiful hand. I was lost to him all over again. Time and distance may have dimmed our connection some, but it would never break. I was comforted by that amazing thought.

I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to run into his arms and let him comfort me, taking away all of my pain while I took away all of his. Just in those few moments we had together, my heart was lightened. I felt comfort from my pain.

When I saw Jasper was becoming sad, I tried to get away from Renee. I wanted to run to Jasper. I felt like it was my job to make him happy, but no matter how much I struggled with her, she wouldn't let go of me. I started to panic; I never knew if I would see him again. Our time was over too fast. Before I started to cry again, I felt a rush of joyful love and reassurance; my heart was filled with an indescribable peace. Jasper had stirred those feeling in me. It wasn't my imagination, and I couldn't explain how he did it, but I know for a surety it was him. I closed my eyes and let the feeling fill my soul. A smile came to my lips at the rush of emotions. Renee pulling on my arm jolted me out of my comfort. I opened my eyes again.

I looked in Jasper's butterscotch eyes, not knowing when I would see him again. He spoke silently to me, "Be happy, little angel. I'm sorry."

My eyes instantly watered. I wanted to weep because I didn't want to be lost forever from him; I never wanted to be without. However, I was well aware life didn't work that way. I knew he was sorry because he couldn't get to me. Renee was still pulling on me. I nodded to him, letting him know I understood.

"Thanks, Jasper, I love you! I always remembered and I always will," I whispered. I needed him to know and understand I never forgot our connection or my love for my friend.

I knew he was suffering. I could see the pain in his eyes and my soul longed to take his sadness. He only deserved to be happy. He was an amazing person, no matter what he thought of himself. I could see the truth so clear. The tears were falling from my eyes so fast; there was no reason to wipe them away. My mother pulled me again, and right before I turned the corner, I looked to him again to get my fill. He spoke to me once more.

"I love you too, little one!"

My heart was screaming for him, but I had to leave. My soul broke, but underneath the pain I was grateful that I was able to see my friend again. I nodded my head again and waved goodbye to him before he was out of my sight. It was one of the hardest things I had to experience, and on top of my father's death, my anguish was high. However, I was content in the knowledge that Jasper had come. He had been there for me in my most trying time. He gave my soul something that no one else could. While we were waiting in line to get to our seats, I whispered my gratitude to him and sent it to the heavens.

"Thank you, Jasper. I knew you would come when I needed you the most. I knew you wouldn't break your promise."

"Bella, for the last time there is no Jasper." I was sad that after all these years she didn't believe me. But we had been through a hard time, and I didn't want to add to her pain anymore. I just wanted her happy again.

"Okay, Renee, there is no Jasper," I lied to her and cried for her doubt in me. My mother wanted to believe what she wanted; there was no changing her mind.

…

I rolled onto my back and brushed the wetness from my face. My heart was still calling out for him, but there was nothing to be done. I had to have the hope and faith that one day I would see Jasper again. Until then, I knew he would be with me forever because I carried a piece of his soul with me. It silently waited to be reunited with him.

Author's Notes: And there you have it. If you have the time I would love to know what you think. Thanks again for all the support and encouragements over the last couple of months.

Much love to all.

Posted: 12 June 2010

Edited: 19 June 2011