WARNING: THIS CHAPTER MAY CONTAIN SOMETHING NUDE AND SPARKLEY, POSSIBLE FOOD FIGHTS AND PERHAPS BROKEN BODY PARTS. THIS CHAPTER MAY ALSO CAUSE HYSTERICS, HEART ATTACK AND EXCESSIVE DROOLING. THE AUTHOR HEREBY STATES THAT ANY DAMAGE TO PERSON/COMPUTER/FURNITURE/HOUSE IS HIGHLY REGRETTABLE AND NOT HER FAULT. IF YOU HAVE FINISH READING THIS RIDICULOUS BEGINING, YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT FOR WHAT IS WRITTEN BELOW.

EVERYTHING IS INTENDED FOR HUMOR. SO LAUGH BUT DON'T WET YOUR PANTS.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR ANY REFERENCES TO PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN & CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW OR WONDER GIRLS AND THEIR SONG "NOBODY".

Chapter 22: God Is Speaking To Me

Special chapter: EDWARD's POV

Hey, Edward, I'm going to dive for oyster again, alright? Just - just keep the house intact. Byee!

Hey, Edward, I really can't bear this anymore. I'm off hunting!

Hey, Edward. HEY, Edward. HEY, EDWARD!

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

I whipped my head around, my chest heaving up and done like I've just run a marathon.

Er, Edward, you don't breathe. Just sayin'

Scratch that. When Bella runs a marathon.

I met the eyes of my father and two idiotic brothers. They were staring at me, wide-eyed and innocent. I snarled at them. They looked ridiculous with their white chef suits and colourful aprons. Carlisle was wearing an orange apron that said "Come to Doctor Sparkle", Jasper was wearing a yellow apron that said "Kiss the Major" and Emmett was the ridiculous of all: he had a pink apron with fluffy edges with the words:

"Chef Teddy Bear".

ALICE.

"Hey, Eddie, why aren't you wearing your blue apron! It says 'Pasta Mania Guy'! So cool!" Emmett cried.

"Shut up, Emmett. Just cut you celery," I snapped.

My family looked up at me in surprise.

"What's with you, Edward?" Jasper asked. "Why the long face?"

"Nothing," I answered shortly.

"Son, you can tell us everything," said Carlisle kindly. He held up a knife and began to chop carrots.

"I said NOTHING!" I yelled. "Just leave me alone!"

"Edward Anthony Cullen, you will NOT speak to my with that tone!" Carlisle threatened, holding up the knife to emphasis.

"Oh, just suck it," I muttered, and went out of the house.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Emmett cried. "I thought we're going to make a low-carb, low-fat and low-calories salad?"

"I am going to get a tan!" I shouted back. "Leave me ALONE!"

I stormed out of the kitchen, taking each piece of my clothing off. When I reached the sandy white beach, I was brilliantly naked.

Ah! It felt so good to be under the sun. I did several warm-ups before lying myself on the beach. It felt so good to be warm. To others, they thought there's a spotlight on Isle Esme, but I know better. It's my beautiful stark white naked body giving off its divine glow.

Man, if you ever see me you need sunglasses. I am the god of diamonds.

"Hey, you!"

I opened my eyes and looked around, thinking it was Emmett. But there was no one. So I lie back down and hummed a tone.

"Hey, Eddie-boy!"

"What the - " I muttered, and looked around. But Emmett was nowhere to be seen. To check where he was, I picked Emmett's mind, and couldn't believe what I saw. The three idiots were dancing in the kitchen while making their salad. Worse, they're dancing to the Korean song "Nobody" by a Korean group Wonder Girls. I watched, through Emmett's brain, at how Carlisle was shaking his butt and waving a finger around. Jasper was skipping and clapping with an occasional "Nobody nobody but chu,"; and Emmett. Oh, my god, Emmett was winking and waving his arms around.

"If I'm crazy, they're on over the moon," I muttered.

"Too right you are," said that annoying voice again. I looked around and something pulled my hair. I turned to my left shoulder.

I almost screamed.

"Shut it, Edward," said the... thing. "It's me,"

"Who-who are you?" I gasped.

"I'm your divine voice," said the thing.

"What the hell?" I swore.

"Dumb ass," said a teeny tiny version of me, leaning against my left shoulder. "I'm Mini Me,"

"Don't forget about me," said another voice. I turned to my right shoulder and saw another me. "I'm Tiny Me,"

I brushed "me" away from my shoulders and shook my head, saying, "Oh, no. Get away from me, you things,"

"We're not things," said the me called Mini Me.

"We're the divine voice from up above to advice you," said Tiny Me smugly, crossing his shoulders.

"I'm not Captain Jack Sparrow. What the HELL are you doing here, then?"

"Face it, Edward," said Tiny Me.

"You're in a position LIKE Captain Jack Sparrow," said Mini Me.

"Stranded in a no man's land," said Tiny Me casually, kicking some sand.

"Life's like in Davy Jones' locker," smiled Tiny Me cynically.

"You needed an escape plan. Plan Edward," both "Me"s said together.

"Argh!" I grabbed my hair and ran away. I'm really getting crazy. I can't stand it! I ran inside the house like a lunatic, hoping I could find help from Carlisle, but...

I want nobody, nobody but you

Oh, oh!

I want nobody, nobody but you

Oh, oh!

Jasper blew a kiss to Emmett, who caught it with his lips.

"ARGHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed and ran out of the house again. I ran and ran until I was in the sea. then I swam and swam until everything around me was dark.

"Hey, Eddie boy!" said Tiny Me.

"ARGH!" I tried to scream, but there's just bubbles coming out from my mouth. Duh. Even if I don't need oxygen I still can't speak underwater. But wait. How did Tiny Me spoke...?

"We're in you head, DUH," said Mini Me.

I looked at them fearfully.

"Ok. Here's the plan: start swimming, and don't stop until you reach Africa. After you reach Africa, swim to Madagascar and live with the lemurs. They play better music," said Tiny Me.

"Yeah!" exclaimed Miny Me. "I like to move it, MOVE IT! I like to move it, MOVE IT!"

I stared at them.

"It'll WORK," said Tiny Me smugly.

"Don't worry!" said Miny Me, who was doing a body wave.

"We got your butt covered!" said the "Me"s together.

BELLA'S POV

"!"

This is how I found Esme, Alice and Rosalie another week after Jasper's breakdown. I was shocked at how the Cullen females had laughed until their stone stomach hurts and they were rolling on the floor, too weak to stand.

I didn't need to ask to know what had caused the laughter. I looked at the TVs.

"What the hell?" I swore.

"It's - It's - hahahahahaaaa! Ed - haaaahahaha!" Alice tried to speak but kept laughing.

On the screen, I saw that Carlisle was holding Edward's head firmly, and Jasper was holding a piece of sushi, saying "AHHHHHHHHH! Open your mouth, Edward!"

"NO! Tiny me - Mini me, where are you? I have to leave... I have to go to Madagascar... there's a party there!"

"Did anyone said par-theeeeee?" Emmett came in, wearing nothing but the pink apron and a pink feather boa. "I want NOBODY NOBODY, NOBODY NOBODY!"

"Kill me, please!" Edward plead to Carlisle. "I don't want to be in the Davy Jones' Locker! I don't even have a beard!"

I stare at the screen in disbelief. "What happen to Edward?"

"He went - hahaha! - mad!" explained Rosalie helpfully.

"What he's talking about? Who's Tiny Me and Mini Me? What Madagascar party?" I spluttered, looking as Emmett strip dance and kissing Jasper on the cheeks. "What happen to the boys?"

"They're officially driven to madness!" said Alice smugly, finally able to stand.

"Oh, no! Will they ever be alright?" I exclaimed. Edward at Jasper sushi (and biting his fingers off at the process). Jasper screamed not unlike a girl and punched Edward. If I'm not mistaken, Edward's head very nearly torn off. I shuddered in horror. As a result, Edward spat all the sushi out and hit Jasper right at the nose.

"GROSS!" Jasper yelled. "You asked for it!" He pummeled about a dozen sushi to Edward's face and a fully fledge food fight started.

There's no words to describe except there's a lot of feathers involved.

"Alice, what happen next?" I wailed.

"Well," said Alice. "Now that they're completely mad, it's the path back to completely normal. Don't worry, Bella. Edward has a divine voice speaking to him. What doesn't kill him only make him stronger!"

I love this chapter! It was so much fun to write! If you like it, PLEASE review!

PS. To get a idea how Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett dance to the Korean song, go to .com/watch?v=BA7fdSkp8ds to check out the MV. It's one of the nicest MV there ever was! And while you're watching it, imagine the Cullens boys dancing on the stage with nothing BUT aprons and feather boas...

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!