Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer and affiliates owns all that is Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Notes: Hello, Hello darlings. Here is the promised chapter. I hope it finds everyone well. I wanted to thank all of those who have added me to their alerts and favorites. The support means a lot. I also wanted to thank all of those who have reviewed. Your encouragements are wonderful and always so appreciated. I wanted to give a special thanks to Karen E Teague for Beta-ing this chapter. You are great, and I appreciate the words of advice.
I will give you warning that there is a cliffy (I know evil . . . *cackles*), but what is life without a little mystery. I just wanted to give everyone fair warning, you're more than welcome to wait for the next update. For those who do read this chapter now, I hope you like it.
So without further babbling . . . enjoy!
Chapter Twenty-Seven
7 October/Wednesday - 15 October/Thursday
The last week had been one of the longest and most painful of my existence. My life consisted of work, fear, work, and anguish over not being with Bella, and more work. I hunted more in that week that I had in a long time. The emotions that continued to rack my mind and soul left me with little strength to do little else, and I knew that I needed to hunt. I was thankful I had my job to keep my time and my mind occupied, not allowing me much time to wallow. But I had learned no matter how much I filled my time with something else, or tried to find something to entertain my mind, Bella was always on the periphery of my mind, never letting me forget about my sad angel.
Living with my family again was something I had to become accustomed to again. It was a dynamic I wasn't used to anymore, and I had to try and find my place within the house, trying not to flounder over the simplest of things. But my family was another thing that reminded me of Bella and caused me to hurt on her behalf. I had my family to love, protect, and shelter me. Bella didn't have anyone at the moment to lean on, and I once again yearned to go to my angel, and take away whatever fear she may have been feeling. I remembered the day I had left and the love I had to lean on. Carlisle had found me and brought me home.
"Jasper I know you're hurting right now son, and I cannot pretend I understand your pain, but I need you to know that I love you, and I plead for you not to revert back into that place in your life where you felt there was no hope, and all that you were filled with was despair. There is always a happy moment. I know that sounds like pandering bullshit right now, but I promise it's true."
I laughed through my pain at Carlisle and his choices of words. He could always bring me out of my dark abyss, if even for a while. "You're right Carlisle that sounds like pandering bullshit."
"There's my son, the eternal optimist." He joked again, making me laugh once more. If he didn't stop that I was going to have to bite him.
"So Bella was your guiding light?" Carlisle asked out of nowhere, taking me back to a time in my life where insanity ruled my thoughts and erratic behavior seemed to be my Modus Operandi or my method of operation. It was another time in my life where Bella was absent, and my connection to her almost seemed nonexistence. I thought of what I had said to Carlisle long ago in a conversation that brought me to my knees.
"The guiding beam that usually guides me is really dim right now and I can't seem to see it. I have gotten it into my mind that if I progress more and at a quicker pace, it will see my progress and become brighter again. Do you understand?"
And of course Carlisle understood. In that moment I could still feel Bella and I knew, unlike then, that her connection would always be there shining bright. That moment seemed like a lifetime ago, and in some way it was. It was another part of me and a learning experience that helped to shape me into the person my father held in his arms.
"Yes Carlisle," I finally answered him, finally finding the strength to sit up and support myself, "Bella was my guiding light I was taking about so long ago, but you also have to understand she is still that light for me. I become so lost and wrapped up in her light that it outshines everything in my world. I know it may be unhealthy, but she just has that effect on me."
"Why did you never tell us about her Jasper?" Carlisle asked, and I could feel a little bit of his hurt. I had created a monster in him. I was candid with him about everything, there wasn't a part of my life that Carlisle didn't touch or know of, except Bella, and I knew he was hurt. I wanted to laugh at his childishness, but I also wanted to apologize for keeping the best part of myself hidden from my mentor.
"You have to understand Carlisle; I didn't do it to hurt you. I told no one about Bella. The only ones who knew were first Peter, and then Alice. The only reason those two even knew was because they cheated. They had their gifts to tell them of my most private thoughts and experiences. I'm a selfish creature Carlisle," I said and could already feel his denial on my behalf.
"Yes I am and there is no use denying the truth. I am even more of a selfish creature where Bella is concerned. I didn't want to share her or her memory with anyone. I wanted to cherish the very person who had finally led me on the path that I was always meant to follow. She was the reason I finally committed myself to controlling my bloodlust. I'm not ready to tell you what caused me to wakeup. I don't want to see your disappointment. But suffice it to say, Bella was the angel that night which fell from heaven and gave me the strength to do what was needed. She loved me from the very beginning Carlisle, not even knowing the monster that I was." I said in a small but reverent voice.
"It was never difficult to love you son. You seemed to be the only one that couldn't love you, does that makes any sense?" My father said, and I knew exactly what he meant.
"I also never told you about Bella because I never wanted to taint her memory. I was never worthy of her, and I'm still far from it, but in not voicing her out loud, she stayed clean and not distorted by my dirty mouth. She was the best and most magnificent part of me, something to cherish. Again does that make any sense?"
"Of course Jasper, you thought if you spoke aloud of her then that part of you that she held would become muddled with the tainted part and she would cease to exist." Carlisle finished and put more eloquently that I ever could. "I understand Jasper and I don't disparage your thoughts, I'm just glad that you could share a little part of her with me."
Silence took over and after a few moment of listening to the life around us Carlisle spoke again, "Esme has missed you son. I don't tell you this to make you feel bad. I only tell you because of her love for you. There is a part of Esme that only you hold. When you let her into your life, she took that privilege to heart Jasper and you became the son she always wanted and needed from only you. She has come to depend on that son and your absence from the family has really affected her. I think the main reason she took it so hard was the fact she didn't understand your absence. But she also needs to realize you are a grown man with a right to lead his life. She has a hard time letting go of the things she loves the most. I tried to explain this, and nearly got my bits hacked off." Carlisle finished, and I loved when he reverted to one of the boys.
I laughed with him, reveling in the simplicity of my father and my friend. "Carlisle you are a pussy cat when it comes to Esme, she would have never have found you're supposed bits because you remove them when she is around."
"This is the pot calling the kettle black." Carlisle pointed out. It seemed all of the men in the family lost their manly bits when Esme was concerned.
"Ha ha, and I concede to your point. I'll apologize to Esme and make things right."
"See that you do or I'll have to tell Bella some stories about the life and times of Jasper Cullen." I knew he wasn't joking, and made it my goal to seek Esme out when I returned home. "So are you ready to go home son?" He asked and brought me back to the very reason we were sitting in the forest. I tried to put on a brave face, but knew it was little use. I could no longer hold in my love for Bella. She had permeated my very being.
"Let's go home father." And with that Carlisle led me to my car and followed me home to my family and the people who loved me the most, besides my angel.
That night after I had finally gotten to the house after my absent, Esme had timidly met me at the front door, and I didn't hesitate to take my mother into my arms and surround her in my love.
"I'm so sorry Jasper. I never meant to upset you darling. I also never meant to smother you. I just love you so darling. Carlisle said that you needed your space and I'm sorry if you felt that you needed time away from me. I'll try to do better Jasper. But please, if there is ever a time you feel that I am too much to take, talk to me and I'll try to scale back. I cannot take my son not speaking to me." I looked at Carlisle and he sputtered at Esme's words. Apparently he hadn't done a very good job in calming her fears and reassuring her. I was surprised because Carlisle could usually set Esme strait without even trying. She must have been more distraught from my absence than I had previously thought, and selfishly my heart soared at the thought, but the guilt was still very present.
"Esme please don't blame yourself." I cut her off mid-rant."You have no fault in my not being around lately. I know you love us very much, and you are an amazing mother. I have never felt you being overbearing or imposed in my life. We are so very lucky to have you and Carlisle in our lives. There are not many of our kind that have parents who love and cherish them above all else. If I have ever entertained the idea of you being too overbearing, then I don't deserve to be your son. I am blessed beyond reason, and have no room for complaint where you and Carlisle are concerned. So please never doubt the importance of your role in my life. I love you also mother."
Esme proceeded to fall apart again in my arm, but I knew these tears were born of happiness and love rather than doubt and sadness.
The rest of the night was spent in Esme's presence as I talked to her about the very same thing I had discussed with Carlisle. The only difference was Esme cried on my behalf.
Alice tended to avoid me at all costs. I was a little hurt by her rejection, but when I had taken the time to digest her emotions I couldn't fault her. Alice felt jealous of Bella and the position she held in my life. Even though Alice and I had closure in our relationship, she still felt the pain of seeing another woman in my life. I could understand her emotions. I knew if the reverse were to happen I would have also felt some jealously at the person who had become more important in her life than I. We shared a past and a history that covered many moons. She had also been the person to bring me to a family that accepted me without question, faults and all. Alice loved me and I knew it would take her some time to become accustomed to Bella, and my friend being the center of my world.
Edward's feelings came as a surprise to me. He and I were never that close, but to feel his hostility towards me was something I wasn't expecting. After I finally cornered him at his piano, and making sure everyone was away from the house, I demanded an answer regarding his emotions.
"What the hell gives Edward? What cause could you have to be so angry with me? What have I done to make you feel the way you are?"
Edward took a while before he answered, and he knew regardless of his not answering me now, I wouldn't stop until he finally answered my questions. I just didn't want to have an audience while discussing his problems with me, especially in front of Emmett. Edward in reading my thoughts must have thought the same because he started to answer.
"You are a hypocrite Jasper. From your infancy, human life meant little to nothing for you. You took life without any concern for the intended victim or their family. Your only thoughts were the next meal and killing anyone who stood in the way, thus the wars. Time after time you sated yourself with the blood of humans, and took the nourishment their bodies offered. I could not fault you for this Jasper. You knew no better, and you were never taught any differently. But then you found Alice, and she found us. You were brought into the fold, and were taught the meaning of life, and the sanctity with which Carlisle felt about humans. Still you struggled with your bloodlust and your internal monster. Again I can understand Jasper. You had fed off humans for more years than you cared to remember, and the call of their blood plagued you."
The more Edward spoke and summarized my life the more I became angry. He may have been privy to my private thoughts, but he could never feel the emotions behind those thoughts. He had no right to looking condescendingly on my life and pass judgment, especially after he had his own rebellion against Carlisle. I never judged him for this, but tried to understand his motives behind his actions. He had every right to experiment and do what came naturally to our kind, but he didn't have the right to sit in judgment of my life and my choices.
"What's your point Edward?" I asked in a strained voice, trying desperately to keep my temper in check.
"Why a human Jasper?" I knew what he was getting at, but allowed him to continue. "After all of the lives you have taken and all the struggles you have fought through, why would you befriend a human and a pregnant one to speak of? Why would you set yourself up for failure and devastate both Carlisle and Esme, when they have put so much love and effort into you? Please help me to understand Jasper?" He pleaded. And I knew the root of his problem, like Alice he was jealous.
"I'm not jealous? I have no reason to be desirous of your life Jasper." Again I knew he was wrong.
"You are jealous because you feel as if I have replaced you in Esme's eyes. When she thought I shunned her because of her supposed overbearance she became inconsolable. Neither you nor Carlisle could comfort her. No matter how many time you played the piano for her, one of her favorite past times, it didn't work. You started to resent me because you felt I was taking away a part of Esme that was yours. I understand Edward, and I can feel your fear, but you also have to realize Esme has more love to spare than you could ever imagine. I know this to be a fact because I can feel that abundance of love. It is a natural emotion to feel jealous Edward, even for us vampires. Trust me when I say I have also felt jealous of you and your relationship with our parents. They love you as they love no one. You were their first child and Carlisle's first companion. I could never resent you for that Edward, but I can feel jealousy for the love you have had all your life, both dead and undead. So do not insult my gift in saying you feel no jealousy towards Esme and me."
Edward had the good graces to look repentant, however; I could still feel his curiosity in wanting to know why Bella. For some reason I felt odd in discussing her with him, but looked past the feeling and tried to answer him honestly.
"For one simple reason Edward, because she is Bella. I know this sounds vague and almost ludicrous, but once you have met her you understand. Bella loves without reason, Edward. From the moment she met me, she loved me, not even knowing whether I was good or bad." Edward looked at me and I knew what he was thinking, "I know she can be quite trusting and a little naive, but it is one of her most endearing quality. She still has this innocence about her that cannot be touched by time or anything else the world has to throw at her. Her capacity of love even surpasses Esme's, something I never thought possible by anyone. If you took all of the amazing qualities you loved about Carlisle and Esme, you would have Bella. She has his compassion and Esme's trait to love anything and everything." I smiled an indulgent smile in what felt like forever, and for that split second, it didn't hurt to think about my angel.
"Bella can also be quite stubborn, but even she needs a little imperfection in her life. She tries to get mad, but comes off as scary as a wet paper bag." Edward laughed at my comparison and I had to join him. She's not perfect Edward, but there isn't a thing I would change in her. And do you want to hear the most shocking thing of all?" I asked and I knew Edward was intrigued. "Rose already loves her."
And just like I knew Edward was shocked. He and Rose had the most problematic relationship out of all the siblings. Edward thought Rose was conceited and thought of nothing but herself and her beautiful face. There were times that Rose was conceited, but she was so much more than that, and he failed to see her better qualities. On the other side, Rose thought that Edward had a major stick wedge in his ass, and did nothing but brood. Again she had a point, but she failed to see Edward's continued struggle with what he was and the decisions he made in his younger life in taking lives. Both were flawed and more alike than they would ever admit.
"You're correct in your assumption Jasper, I'm beyond stunned. I never thought Rose would love a human. Bella must be something if she could endear Rosalie to her."
"I thought the same thing. I was actually a little apprehensive in allowing Rose to meet her." Edward laughed because he understood where I came from.
15 October/Thursday
Things were less strained between us after our tête-à-tête. Edward understood a little more about me, and I understood more about him, and his feelings. I backed off a little and allowed him his time with Esme. People may have thought him a mama's boy, and he was, but they didn't understand their relationship. When Esme was changed she had lost her little boy, and Edward was able to fill that part of her life with his love. And Esme was able to give Edward the love and understanding about his hang-ups that Carlisle couldn't. Their relationship was beautiful and inspiring. It was the kind of relationship I had wanted and still wanted with Bella's child.
The time I didn't fill with my family I worked, and once again I was thankful to be a doctor. There were people who needed and depended on my skills and knowledge. It always amazed me that I was able to overcome my bloodlust and have the chance to even practice medicine. This week away from Bella allowed me to take stock of my life, and to see how truly blessed my life was. But even with these epiphanies and realizations, I knew my life was still incomplete. Bella was the piece that put everything together, that finished my unfinished puzzle. She was my everything.
Then on the eighth day of our separation the phone rang, and I knew it had nothing to do with work, Carlisle, or the rest of my family. I instinctively knew it was Bella. I took a breath and answered the phone.
"Hello," I said hearing the quivering to my tone.
"Is this Jasper Hale?" The voice on the other end asked, and I immediately became concerned.
"Yes, this is him speaking. Is there something I can do for you?" He spoke and my world fell apart.
"Ms. Swan's been in an accident, and has listed you as her emergency contact. Is there any chance you could come to the hospital Mr. Hale?"
"Which one?" I asked in a hurry waiting for the answer that didn't come quick enough.
"The DHMC, and ask for Doctor Hunter when you arrive." He said something else, but I had already hung up and made my way to the car. I heard the passenger door close and looked over and saw my father. He placed his hand on my shoulder and gave me the courage I seemed to be without.
"Drive Jasper," Was all he said, and I followed his command. I knew no matter the outcome I would be there for Bella and her child. I just needed her to be alright. I prayed to whoever placed her in my life to allow her to stay and not take her back. I couldn't fathom my life without her.
Author's Notes Continued: I know already, I'm evil, but it is my birthday (I swear) so please go easy on me, this early chapter was my gift to everyone. If anyone else has their birthday today or in the month of September, I wish you much happiness. Anyways, please let me know what you thought. Was there enough time gone by? What did you think of Alice's reaction? What of Edward? If you have any question about anyone's reaction, or were confused by anything, just ask and I would be happy to explain.
Well I think that's about it. The next chapter is shaping up to be a long one, and I do mean long. Thanks again for all the support with this story. I hope everyone has a great week and as always . . . much love darlings!