Disclaimer: Grey's not mine or I wouldn't post here.
The title is a line from Breakable by Ingrid Michaelson that I think had been used somewhere in the show too, just google it.
The quote is kind of random, I know. I just liked it.
This is from Derek's point of view. I'm switching perspectives yet, but I think it will change soon.
Well, enjoy and review!
Part 3 – Our Cracking Bones Make Noises
Every time I kiss you
After a long separation
I feel
I am putting a hurried love letter
In a red mailbox.
Nizar Qabbani
As I woke up the following morning, I heard her sigh on my chest, her arms still tightened to my sleepy body.
"Hey, you ok?" I whispered
"I don't know..." some tears were gathering in her eyes
"What can I do for you?" I asked helplessly
"Nothing, just hold me"
"Mer"
"We both have the day off, can we stay in bed a little while?"
"Of course"
She silenced, placing soft tears on my chest from time to time and I kept rubbing her back.
"Are you mad at me?" she hesitated
"Why would I be?"
"Not telling you before. And withholding sex, it was so unfair..."
"I'm not mad at all. I get it"
"You were frustrated"
"No. I just needed you to bring me back to reality, because I kinda felt I had superpowers or something. I'm sorry too..."
"You just coped in your own way"
"I should have known something was wrong. I should have cared"
"You're caring now that you know"
Silence fell in our conversation again, but this time I broke it first
"Mer...How long have you known?"
"About our baby?" I nodded "I took the test before rounds, but I thought about it from before"
"Why haven't you told me that?"
"I didn't wanted to get your hopes up over..."
"It would have never been nothing. You should have told me even if the test would result negative" I felt my voice becoming harsher. She pulled away a little from me
"I know. I'm sorry..."
After a few more moments of silence, she asked, coming closer again "What's wrong Derek?"
"Nothing"
"I feel it's not nothing" I already knew I am an open book to her
"We don't have anything left"
"You mean evidences?" I nodded. She stirred again. "Don't you think we'll remember anyway?" it was her turn to be harsh
"Of course"
"So what?"
"I feel left out" I whispered. She pulled away completely, rolling on the other side and then standing up.
"Do you think I didn't wanted you to know? Is it all my fault for you?" she was yelling, burning tears rolling heavily on her cheeks "You wanted to feel all the pain I felt? Throw up in closets? You wanted to see all of it?"
"If I could have helped"
"No, you couldn't" she snapped
"I didn't even told our baby I loved him or her"
"It's always about you then, fine. I'll go take a shower"
"Wait" In pleaded "I'm sorry"
She turned to me again, her eyes still full of tears.
I stared at the ceiling as long as the water kept running, looking for comfort in the still warm sheets.
Her gaze was softened and a hint of a smile materialized on her face when she walked out of the shower.
"I told our baby how much was loved already. Even if you didn't know, I told him his Daddy would have loved him so much"
"You did?" tears were pooling in my eyes
"Yeah, because I know it was true"
"Him?" I asked, after a long, silent pause while I processed her words.
"I'm pretty sure it would have been a boy, yeah. I'm sorry..."
She started sobbing, all her body shaking and the one thing I could do was stand up and hold her, supporting her breakdown.
"I'm sorry Derek" she said again
"It's ok, I know, stop crying, it's ok" I tried to soothe her, rubbing her back
"I thought about the moment you would find out, you know, and it was going to be so special Derek, so..." she trailed off, her voice stuck.
"I know, it's ok"
The trailer was quiet for a few moments, while I held her in my arms, her face still buried in my chest, even if there weren't more sighs.
"Der...thank you" she said clearly
"For what?"
"Talking. It feels better..."
"We're in this together" I tried hard to smile, but I just met moistly eyes.
I barely had time to process the fact that I was becoming a father that it was taken away so suddenly. It seemed so unfair, because we were ready for that. We talked about it and we were ok with the consequences. Then it had been taken away from us so quickly that we didn't even had the time to enjoy the million possibility of it, leaving us with a bitter taste in our mouths. We were so ready...
"Our baby died last month Derek" her broken voice hit me more than anything else in the world, because she was finally ready and things went crazy again. She didn't deserved it.
"I'm still here"
"I know. I love you"
"I love you too..."
AN: Ok, this was short and not so special, I just wanted to update before leaving. I think they need talks more than anything. I don't know if I'm happy or not about this chapter, just tell me your opinions.
In the next chapter there will be a virtual time span, so I thought that putting a New Year between the updates was appropriate. I wish you all the best in 2011!