Warning: there will be some talk about suicide in this chapter.
This was the third night in a row that Kurt had gotten that nightmare. He had been having the same nightmare ever since Karofsky kissed him. Sometimes there were days, even weeks when his dreams were filled with sweet things, such as musicals, fashion and Blaine's warm smile. But then there came the days where the nightmare invaded his dreams.
It didn't always have the same beginning. Sometimes he was standing in front of his locker, sometimes he was in the choir room, sometimes he was in the cafeteria and sometimes he was in the auditorium. He was always in the school and he was always alone. It would start happy.
But then he'd turn around and in the shadows, he'd see the outlines of Karofsky, his eyes glistening. He'd walk slowly towards him, staring into his soul, while Kurt was unable to move. He'd inch closer and closer, terrifying Kurt with each step.
Each second felt like an eternity. Kurt would try to scream out for help, but his voice had gone. Once Karofsky was a few steps away from him, he'd start to grin creepily at Kurt. Once the space between them became mere inches, Karofsky would just stare at him and the creepy grin turned into an evil one. Right before Kurt would wake up, which was always at the same time in the nightmare, he'd see something silvery in Karofsky's hand.
After the nightmare, he wasn't able to fall asleep again. Classes at Dalton became almost unbearable after he got the nightmare for the third time in a row. Blaine knew about the nightmare and was growing steadily worried over Kurt. He feared that Kurt would lose his mind if this nightmare wouldn't go away. He'd been spending the entire day carefully watching Kurt, making sure he was safe and trying to talk him into going home from school to sleep. He was running out of options and was becoming desperate to try anything to help him. A thought popped into his mind and he thought it wouldn't hurt to try it. He took a deep breath and turned towards the person on his right.
"Hey, Nick? I could really use your help…"
…
Kurt drank his third cup of coffee, thankful the day was ending. He had gotten enough caffeine to be able to stay active in this class and for some homework time. Just as the class ended Blaine turned to him and smiled.
"Hey, Kurt? I know you're struggling over the nightmare and you're obviously still scared of Karofsky and honestly, I'm beginning to worry over you a lot. Every time you have this nightmare you become so tired you lose your passion in things. I've thought about this a lot and I decided that it would be good for you to visit Nick."
Kurt raised his eyebrows but Blaine cut him off before he could speak.
"You don't have to talk to him about this, you just have to listen to him, alright?"
Kurt tilted his head. "What do you mean?"
Blaine just smiled at Kurt and said "You'll see. Now go, I think this will be good for you to hear."
Blaine gave him the instructions to Nick's room, which he shared with Thad, and Kurt was on his way. The room was only a few doors away from his. He knocked hesitantly and Thad greeted him. Thad then waved his goodbyes to Kurt and Nick, who was reading on his bed, and left the room.
Nick closed his book and signaled Kurt to sit down. Kurt sat down in a chair which was right in front of a desk. He looked around the neat room. There was a RENT poster and a poster of some band he wasn't familiar with. There was a cork board in the room with notes and pictures of the Warblers together. Several pictures really stuck out, such as one where Wes was piggyback riding on David and they were both smiling goofily at the camera, one where four Warblers (he couldn't spot who they were from this distance) doing the YMCA and one of Nick and Jeff smiling widely and giving the camera thumbs up.
He turned to Nick who was watching him patiently. "So," he finally spoke up. "Blaine told me to talk to you because of the bullying you went through in McKinley. I tried to talk to you about it when I first met you but I got cut off.
"I guess it's best to start from the beginning. I found out I was gay when I was thirteen. It took me almost two months to build up the courage to tell my parents, who thankfully accepted me. My father wasn't so happy about it but he told me he'd try his best to accept me because I was his son no matter what. But then it somehow got out at school that I was gay.
"There was this guy you might know, he's at McKinley, called Randall." Nick said.
Kurt nodded. "Yeah, he's in the hockey squad. He's a big homophobic jerk."
"That fits. He and a few other guys started to do little things that were bearable and almost unnoticeable at first, such as stealing my erasers and pens and saying one or two comments about my sexuality. But then it started to get worse. They took my lunch money, hid my schoolbag and the verbal abuse got more brutal."
Nick sighed and looked at the floor instead of Kurt. "I never stood up to them, not once. Neither did anyone else. I stopped seeing my friends and started closing myself off from everybody. I tried to stay strong throughout the school days. I constantly had a mask on my face, smiling when people bothered to talk to me and every time I was in the presence of the bullies I tried to make myself smaller in hope that they wouldn't notice me.
"Sometimes when I got home from school I just locked myself in my room and cried. I'd pull myself together half an hour before my mom got home because I didn't want to worry her. My parents did sense that something was wrong but I kept telling them that it was nothing and they believed me."
Nick took a pause to look at Kurt. His eyes were wide and his eyes were teary, but he didn't allow them to fall down his cheeks.
"When there were only a couple of months until graduation the bullying reached a high-point." He took a deep breath. "They had occasionally beaten me up but never so bad that I couldn't cover it up. One day when I was walking down the hallways after the last class, I saw three of the bullies. When they spotted me they began walking faster towards me. I picked up my pace and tried to get out of the narrow hallway in hope that someone was around the corner to stop it. They caught up with me before I could make it and pushed me up against the wall, face-front. One guy held me there with his body and pulled out my arm. I felt the second guy, Randall, doing something to it, but I couldn't tell what. I tried to scream for help but the third guy told me to shut up and kicked my leg, so I did. When Randall finished, the first guy threw me to the ground. They all laughed and one of them yelled "Obey, queer!" at me. When I looked at my arm I saw that Randall had written "Kill yourself fag" with a black marker."
Kurt couldn't hold back the tears anymore. They ran freely down his face and a big part of him wanted to reach out to the boy and hold him, but he stayed put in his seat.
"I remember trying to scrub it off for almost an hour in the shower after it happened, but it wouldn't completely go off. For the next several weeks, that day haunted me. They also started saying it more. Instead of the normal "fuck off, homo", I got a "kill yourself, homo" instead. Those thoughts began haunting me. I thought "what if I just do? No one would miss me". Three weeks before my finals, I just had enough."
This time, it was Nick's turn to start crying. Kurt couldn't handle it anymore. He moved from his seat to sit next to Nick on his bed. He took his hand in a way of support and started rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb.
"I decided that right after school I'd take my life. At the end of the day, I cleared my locker on my way home. A teacher asked me if I had a lot of homework and I just nodded at her and she just walked away. I had done a research on the internet about what pills were best to take and how many I'd have to take to overdose. I wrote a note to my parents, telling them I was sorry for not being a better son.
"My mom later told me she got a feeling she had forgotten something at home, so she got permission from her boss to go home to get it. She found me passed out on my bedroom floor. She dialed 911 and the paramedics said it was a miracle I was still alive. Had my mom been any later I probably wouldn't have made it.
"They had to pump my stomach and I visited a therapist frequently. After that I didn't go back to school, unless to take my tests in order to graduate. My grandparents told me they had gotten me into Dalton and that they'd pay the tuition so I wouldn't have to go to McKinley, the same school some of the bullies would attend. Now, here I am, at Dalton. I haven't been this happy in a long time. Just the thought of taking my life now makes me frown."
He turned to face Kurt, both of their faces tear streaked. "Kurt, if you ever get those feelings, hold on. Believe me, it gets better. And if there's anything bothering you, just know that you can always come and talk to me, alright?"
Kurt wiped away a tear on Nick's cheek with his thumb and pulled him into a tight hug.
Kurt still got those nightmares, but now they were less frequent and less scary. Occasionally, Kurt would stand up to Karofsky and tell him he didn't fear him. Then, Karofsky would turn around and leave. When Karofsky left, Kurt would turn around and see the Warblers smiling at him warmly.