Disclaimer: I don't own anything!

Another line from Swan Swan H by R.E.M. for this chapter, I know, I suck in titles already, my other fiction has better titles, I'm sorry!

It's out of season mentioning Christmas, I know, pretend I posted it a couple of weeks ago, all right? =D

Well, here's from Derek's PoV, enjoy and review, they make my day!

Part 6 – What's The Price Of Heroes?

"Hope" is the thing with feathers –

That perches in the soul –

And sings the tune without words –

And never stops – at all –

Emily Dickinson

As I woke up the next morning, Meredith's gaze was on me.

"Were you watching me sleep?" I asked in a fuzzy voice

"Maybe"

She kissed me and any trace of sleep went away.

"Good morning" I smiled

"It's Christmas Eve" she grinned back

"You seem pretty excited" I scanned her joyful eyes, taking in all her morning happiness. She was breathtaking.

"I am. I like this Christmas. It's my first real Christmas in I don't know how many years...Maybe since my father left"

"You're happy to be here"

"I am. Really. Your family is..."

"Big and overwhelming?" I teased

"No. It's...special. I love to be part of something like that. I hope we can do that when we're not here as well" she lowered her voice

"We'll try. Meredith Grey does family now" I chuckled

She giggled happily than ever and I melted in the joy of her laugh, while she kissed my neck and down to my chest, running her hands on my tights. My body immediately reacted to her touch, waking up.

"Ready for breakfast?" she said then, making the move to wake up, teasingly.

"Oh c'mon! You throw the stone and you take away the hand?"

"Maybe not. If we keep it quiet..." she giggled again, then took off my t-shirt.

When we dressed again, we could hear some voices downstairs making breakfast. We hurried to the kitchen, to not make them suspicious. I couldn't stop touching her perfect skin, so I just held my hand at the bottom of her back, guiding her to the table.

"Morning everybody" I greeted with a wide smile. They were suspicious already.

Mom looked at me and smirked, while she turned the eggs. Next to her, Kathleen was preparing pancakes with her oldest daughter Alyssa. Nancy was setting the table and I could hear the husbands outside playing with all the boys. I'm pretty sure I could have found all my nieces in the living room playing with dolls or some other girly stuff.

"Wow" whispered Meredith astonished

"It's stunning how much the Shepherds could eat, uh?" asked Mom, still smirking

"No, it's just...I've never had a Christmas breakfast before. I barely have normal breakfasts,"

"Cold pizza and leftover grilled cheese, right" I teased taking in her amused face

"I'm not very fond of cooking. Luckily Izzie, my roommate, was or we would have all starved. And Derek makes perfect breakfasts" she lightly kissed me.

"He cooks?" my mother was stunned

"Yeah. I'd burn the house down" she giggled

"I don't believe you. Come here and send that big boy next to you playing with boys, you have some lessons to take"

"Oh, I can't miss that" I teased, stroking Meredith's back.

"Fine, you can stay, but be quiet. And don't you dare laughing!" Meredith added

"She's bossy" pointed out Alyssa

"Kinda am, yeah"

"I like you Aunt Meredith" all of them laughed.

Meredith walked closer to my mother and she started to tell her what to do and simple tasks she could learn, while I went helping Nancy setting the table. It was hilarious.

"Derek, I'm sorry" Nancy whispered to me, while we were in the dining room, out of everybody's radar "I have judged her wrong the first time we met"

"I get it, you thought she was the one who pushed me to divorce Addison"

"Yeah, instead you were just being a brainless ass, as always" she smirked

"Why everybody keeps saying I'm a brainless ass? It's been years we don't see each other and the best you all came up is brainless ass?" we laughed together

"Breakfast's ready!" we heard from the kitchen, then in a second all the seats were taken by the boys, followed suit by their fathers. The girls instead came in the room quietly, avoiding fighting for places. It reminded too much my childhood, when I tried to unsuccessfully outrun Mark at every Christmas breakfast. I sat next to Mom, leaving the place beside mine for Meredith. She plopped in the chair with an inexplicable grin on her face, then she proudly announced "I made bacon"

"No, you didn't..." She nodded, then took a pancake. I was weirdly proud of her.

"Mom, are you coming to see Martha or you'll stay here with the kids?" asked Kathleen, grabbing some bread

"I think I'll skip this time, she lives just a few minutes away, she won't mind. You need somebody to stay with the kids"

"I was supposed to stay with them" said Nancy

"I'll stay. Derek, honey, are you two going downtown?" she looked at me, clearly uncomfortable after yesterday outburst

"Actually, we didn't make any plans. Mer, what do you want to do?"

"We can go later, after we've been visiting Martha and the baby" I answered clearly, like it was the most natural thing to do. It clearly wasn't.

"Are you sure?"

She looked too fine with it that it was almost scary. Maybe she was really trying to move on as she said.

"Of course, you haven't seen each other in years"

I squeezed her hand and maybe I started doubting myself more than her.

We cleaned up breakfast then we went to Martha's. When we arrived, John, her husband, greeted all of us, paying a little more attention to his new sister-in-law.

Kathleen and Nancy left quickly, pretending to go grocery shop for tomorrow's lunch and it was just me, John and Meredith. We moved to the living room, where Martha was holding Dylan. I felt Meredith's hold tighten on my hand.

"You're ok?" I whispered

"Go ahead"

Martha immediately gazed away from the baby in her arms to look at us and smiled widely.

"Oh God, my big brother! How long has it been?"

"Two years. When I left Morgan was barely this big and now she's a pretty little lady...I've missed you so much Martha" I smiled genuinely

"We have missed you too. Come here, you have a new nephew to meet" I hesitated, then Meredith pushed me and I sat next to her on the couch. Dylan immediately passed in my arms and I felt tears prickling in my eyes.

"Meredith, let's go make tea, we have a lot to tell each other"

Martha stood up and lead Meredith in the kitchen. Dylan in my arms fussed, so I tried to calm him down talking. It worked with his sister a little while ago.

"Hey Dylan, it's Uncle Derek. You're such a beautiful boy, you know?" I rocked him in my arms and he fell asleep a few minutes later. I could hear Martha and Meredith happily chatting, then John joined me.

"He's so mellow" whispered "Paul was much more noisy, so was Morgan. This little guy here instead can be held by anybody and doesn't flinch. It's great to finally have a quiet baby"

I would have given anything to have a fussing, noisy baby.

"He's a beautiful boy"

"I blame the Shepherds for this. None of the kids in your family is ugly!"

I managed to smile, then I gave back Dylan to him.

"You're a lucky man" I sighed. He frowned a second, cradling Dylan closer to his chest.

"What happened Derek, you look sad. Is everything all right between you and Meredith? Besides, I love her, she's great"

"Yeah, she is. Just a rough couple of months, that's all..." Years, rough years, then that damn shooting...

"You got shot, bro!"

"Right, I got shot" I said plain, my mind drifting away too quickly.

"Have you tried therapy? They say it helps"

"Yeah, it's hard to move on"

"Was the surgery difficult?"

"Apparently not, everything went well. But..." I couldn't find the right words, so I stammered, fighting tears. "Meredith...well, she...we lost our baby that day. She had a miscarriage after the shooting"

"Bro, I'm so sorry. With Dylan here..I'm sorry"

"It's fine, I wanted to see this little guy. It's just hard to be around him, that's all. It will get better"

Meredith came in the room with a relaxed face. I could see tears in her eyes as well, but she looked less beaten up than me. The loss was hitting me hard at the moment, just as it hit her before.

"So, girls talk is finished?" asked John, trying to lighten up the mood and shift the conversation somewhere more pleasant for all of us

"Yeah, we're done. You have a pretty pleasant wife " Meredith smiled to John after her confident answer, then sat next to me and put her hand on my tight. Comfort, she was so good at that lately. So motherly good.

"Glad I married her every single day" teased John, then Martha kissed him, sitting back on the couch.

"Do you mind if I hold Dylan?" she asked, out of the blue, stretching a little to look at the baby in his father's arms. "Never mind, he's sleeping"

"No, go ahead, he doesn't mind being held in sleep" added Martha, a knowing smile curving up her lips.

They have talked and somehow Meredith looked peaceful. Martha has always been my personal shrink before she actually took the job, so I knew why this talk did wonders to her. She had grieved. I hadn't, so, as Dylan landed in her arms, tears were welling back. She was tear-eyed too, but she was smiling. She touched gently his cheek, then kissed Dylan's forehead. She seemed born to do so. Perfect. My heart ached in my chest. She gave Dylan back to Martha too soon, then wrapped her arm around my waist, before we kept on chatting about nonsense.

Kathleen and Nancy came back later and we all went back home. We spent the rest of the day at home, playing with the whole crew of boys and girls in the house and Meredith looked even more at ease braiding hair and playing princesses. My nephews engaged me in a snow fight and I had to go to bed in sweats to avoid a bad cold. Meredith joined me under the covers freshly showered, a piercing lavender fragrance impossible to hide.

"You smell good" I blurted

"It's the cookies, right? Morgan and Tess were eating them while I braided their hair in the kitchen. Your mother makes lovely cookies, Izzie would die to have that recipe" a hint of sadness smoothed the smile, Izzie was nowhere to be found, again.

"You could ask her, then mail it to Izzie. Mom won't mind and she'll give you the moon if she could. I'm her favorite" I grinned, matching her face.

"Pretty rough fight outside in the meantime, uh?"

"Paul and Michael kicked my ass, I have to admit it"

"Poor Frank was hit in the face"

"Yeah, it was Albert. You learned all their names today..."

"I'd love to have Lexipedia with me in those moments" she giggled and I kissed her. She deepened our kiss, rolling on top.

"Can I ask you something?" she said, trailing numbing kisses down my neck

"Is it bad?"

"I don't know. Remember when we talked about babies?"

"Yeah" I know my face darkened because she rolled back on her side and looked deeply into my eyes, stopping the kissing and just stroking my chest lightly.

"I think we should really try. I mean, not keep things on faith, but try try. I feel ready"

"I know". My tone was blank, inappropriate for such that commitment.

"It's big, I'm sorry, just forget about it..." she ruffled my hair, trying to set back the mood and make me smile again.

"Mer, if you asked yesterday I would have said yes, but today, after Dylan...I know you're ready, but I don't know if I am either"

"I'm sorry. Bad timing." she trailed her fingers on my cheek, comforting.

"A baby would be wonderful, but today, looking at Dylan, I could only think 'what if' and I don't know if I'm ready. It took me a while to realize it and I'm sorry..." I tried to explain, trailing off

"You gave me time to grieve, I'm giving you all the time you need. We have a lifetime for it, it's ok"

"I really want that with you, believe me, I'm just scared this baby would be just a shadow of the one we lost, a replacement..."

"No, you don't think that. I can see it in your eyes. Both your shrink sisters said that we're doing great and I believe them." she kissed me briefly "We can go back to condoms if you need time"

"No, no more condoms"

"Ok"

We paused and she kissed me tenderly again, snuggling closer into my heat.

"You were so great with the girls today" I pushed a lock of her hair off her face

"Yeah, it was fun"

We kissed again, silently. Her warm body was even closer, our heat like a cocoon. I could do anything with her next to me. Maybe she was right and we were ready. Maybe I was just scared of what would it be, to actually try to have kids. Raise them. Be a parent. We switched sides with Meredith. She took things on faith when I asked her, so I just had to do the same.

"What?" she asked with a grin, knowing that my brain cells were working on something with just a glance

"Do you think I've gone mental if I tell you let's make a baby?"

"No, I don't think so." she laughed

She took off my sweater and my t-shirt giggling, trailing kisses on my bare chest and coming on top of me again.

"You were great with the boys too. Paul hitting you in the face was priceless!"

AN: The best part of the story is coming, just stick with me, ok?

I'll be busier soon because my Christmas break is over and I hope I'll be able to post decently often.

As regards "Soft Shock" I'm taking a brief (very brief) pause to write some more chapters before posting again, I need to close up some circles.