Firstly, over 500 reviews. You guys are just wonderful. I swear, some of your comments blow my mind. To all of the new people who have just caught up – I'm sorry for being a factor in your insomnia and for causing you to break all of your rules ;)
I don't really write fan fiction normally and DO understand all of you who say you vowed never to read/write it. I write short stories and write legal analysis for a living so something I've always loved is writing creatively. It's an escape for me and it's been a hobby I've had for a long time. I only write if I can relate to a character and get inside their head. I just have SO much empathy with Kurt and Blaine FASCINATES me so I thought I'd give it a go. NEVER thought people would like it, let along love it. I'm very touched, as always.
So ANYWAY, here's your new Chapter! A few things to say before you read, because I'm keeping most of my notes for the end so as not to spoil things.
Yes, it gets a little angsty. Blaine's not perfect and I NEVER wanted to portray that totally. I think he tries to be and honestly, he's a pretty damn lovely guy but I think, in my interpretation of him, that he tries so hard and is very much a solidified person to be AS unwavering as he seems. He tries so hard for a reason and is a product of his past. I wanted to explore his past with my own ideas. SO, the angst was always going to come and I ALWAYS intended to write this. I PROMISE you though, it is ALL very necessary. No two people like these two, so troubled by their experiences, fall into a perfect and wonderful teenage romance immediately... not realistic in my view.
I also have an American beta now. It's my wonderful friend from the US who goes by the screen name 'traciamc'. She's brilliant and has agreed to look over each chapter so I can avoid the problem I've faced in the past! So, thanks a million Traci :D
Right, down to the Chapter. Maybe have something fluffy to cuddle... ;)
"Um," Kurt gasped, standing back from Blaine, mouth gaping.
Blaine could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest. He hadn't said it. He couldn't have. He meant it but not that quickly. He just wanted Kurt to know that he cared and how much he meant. It was too soon. Far too soon and not in the right circumstances – not when the week ahead would change everything anyway.
"I mean," Blaine stuttered, "that, erm, I just wanted..."He folded his arms tight across his chest and looked away.
Kurt's face flushed scarlet. He felt the tight awkward feeling in his stomach twist. He wasn't all too sure if he'd heard Blaine right- surely not. He just stood there, looking, his brain rushing full of conflicting emotions. He wanted to hear the words but he wasn't sure he was ready for them. Blaine hadn't said it explicitly but he'd implied it and it was as good as. Kurt could feel his eyes prickle. He glanced at his feet, shuffling slightly before staring expectantly at Blaine who didn't receive his gaze. It was a shock, a dull pain in his stomach. Blaine was unsure and retreating away from him and he couldn't bear to watch. He didn't understand but certainly didn't want to stick around to find out why their reunion had turned to painfully sour.
David shot Wes a pained look, his brow wrinkled deep. "Do something," he hissed to Wes quietly.
Wes blinked rapidly. "So new kid, how bout we help you get settled in? Pavarotti's probably having a mini freak out. I'm sure I saw one of the Porters haul him up to your room and knock over his seed."
Kurt glanced away from Blaine and nodded, his head twitching oddly. "Erm, ok." Fighting back tears he lifted his case over his shoulder.
Wes grabbed his arm, pulling David along with them towards the entrance leaving Blaine, eyes screwed shut, scolding himself for being so damn cruel and rash.
-.-.-.-.-.-
Blaine fell onto his bed. Wes was moved back in, their situation as roommates reinstated.
"Well that was awkward," Wes mused perching on the end of his desk and tilting his head on the right questioningly, "want to talk about it?"
Blaine rolled stiffly onto his front and groaned into his pillow. "No Wes, no I don't." He felt his throat catch and balled his hand into a fist of duvet. It wasn't fair.
"Well Thornton you were like a kid at Christmas when we told you Kurt had pulled up and we all know you two got it on over Christmas. Your little reunion was sickeningly cute so why the ice queen routine?"
Blaine groaned again, hating being reminded of how he'd just acted. "I was impulsive and stupid." He let the numbness take over and control his entire body. He welcomed it, needing it, as anything was better than facing the truth.
"Kurt looked like a kicked puppy. It's not a good look on the kid. I wanted to pat his head and reassure him that Blaine was just being an asshole because... well, I lose inspiration there."
Blaine sat up, rubbing his eyes. "I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have implied that I... I mean, that I feel that way about him because it's not fair on him." He felt sick. He wasn't about to push their situation past the point of no return only for Kurt to have his hopes shattered. Kurt deserved way more than that.
"Oh no, nobody wants to be told that someone loves them. Horrible horrible thing to say," Wes teased with bewildered eyes, "you going to tell me the real reason?"
"No."
"Would you tell David the real reason?"
Blaine sighed roughly, burying his head once more. "No because he'd just tell you."
"What are you going to do?"
"Throw myself off the clock tower."
Wes shook his head, walking to sit on Blaine's bed. They'd been close long enough for Wes to understand the way his friend worked and to understand that he wasn't a sharer unless he felt at ease and ready to impart the information. If it was serious, Blaine would bottle it up and wrap his emotions in on themselves deep inside until they took root. There was only one person he could think of to help.
"Ok, I'm not letting this rest. This whole day has gone from a scene reminiscent of a Tom Hanks movie to angst central. I know you bro, I know when there's something up and there is definitely something up right now but I'll leave you to wallow in your own self-pity until you're ready to let me help. We'll be down in the commons rehearsing for the Show Case, ok?"
Blaine mumbled something incoherent and turned on his side. He knew he was behaving like a petulant child but his heart hurt and Wes was not the person to lighten it. He just wouldn't understand.
He felt Wes pat his shoulder and leave. As he glanced around the room to check he was gone, he felt his eyes burn. He covered his face with his hands and sighed so hard that his head hurt. He could feel his temples pulse the way they always used to- it wasn't supposed to be that way. He shook his head and grabbed a fist full of the duvet once again. He couldn't control it but knew one thing and one thing so surely – he could not let Kurt get hurt. It was as if his old fears and worries reared their ugly heads, tugging at his newly warmed heart and threatened to ice it over again.
His phone buzzed by his side. He slammed his eyes closed, hoping it wasn't Kurt, and felt his heart skip when Thomas' name appeared.
"Hi," Blaine stated, flat and cold.
"Oh wow nice to talk to you too. What's up?"
"Where are you?" Blaine asked quickly, a hint of desperation in his voice.
"On my way to Dalton, Dad wanted me to sit in on a couple of meetings with him. Got a day off from classes. Why?"
"Would you come up when you get here? Please?"
He heard Thomas's car rev on the other end and knew that he would be able to work through everything soon. It'd be ok. "Course. See you soon."
After they hung up, Blaine changed out of his uniform, knowing he didn't have any more classes to endure. He was grateful for the chance to think and mull over his epic mistake. He needed to make it up to Kurt, to be able to explain before tomorrow, before his parents arrived and he went Jekyll and Hyde on everyone. He felt the anger bubble and thought back to his first few weeks in Dalton. Thomas had never failed to respond to his texts or phone calls, always by his side if he needed him. Blaine almost jumped out of his thoughts as he heard a knock on his door.
He slowly ease it open, heart hammering. Thomas smiled, lopsided and understanding, his trademark blonde hair perfectly styled and deep blue trench coat slug over his shoulder in the same way he'd worn it back when Blaine had first arrived. He was going to cry. He knew he would just let everything out if he started to speak – he'd lose his cool entirely.
Thomas didn't speak, instead shrugged off his coat and sat down on Blaine's bed. He patted the duvet close to him and Blaine obliged, taking the spot and sighing into his hands. He felt Thomas place a warm hand on his back and rub in small circular motions.
"I freaked out," he said simply, keeping his words short to stop the tears.
"Kurt?" Thomas asked plainly, his voice laced with comfort. Blaine nodded and folded in further on his arms. He just wanted to hide his face and try to avoid the inevitable. "What happened?"
Blaine couldn't speak. He didn't want to make his mouth move and start his tirade of misery because he knew it'd open up the flood gates. He'd never stop. "Said things. Took them back."
Thomas sighed. He glanced down at Blaine hunched in on himself, his trademark curls unruly and shirt crinkled. He wasn't on his game. "Gotcha. You're really upset aren't you?" Blaine nodded into his fingers. Thomas felt his stomach clench the way it always had when Blaine was sad. He saw himself in him and had ever since they'd first met, consequently, whenever Blaine felt pain, he'd usually gone back there himself and felt it for him. "Come here," he soothed, pulling Blaine to him and laying his head on top of Blaine's curls, "I'm going to presume this is about Monica and Alexander arriving tomorrow. Let me guess, Kurt got back and you took one look at him knowing you'd have to turn it all off and shut down when the parents stepped on Dalton turf?" Blaine nodded into Thomas' chest.
"I hurt him."
"Blaine, look, I know you and it was a week or so ago that you were waxing lyrical about his eyes and the fact you couldn't keep your hands off each other. That doesn't stop."
"Said I love him. Kind of."
Thomas blew out a 'wow' through pursed lips and smiled into Blaine's curls. "And do you?"
"Think I might. I definitely could." Blaine felt Thomas' lips curve into his hair and pushed himself closer. He knew he understood, he always had. He needed someone to understand how much he hated his father for what he'd laid down and how vehemently he craved for his mother to just speak honestly and accept her son with the warmth a mother should show – she never spoke up against Alexander, never. He needed someone to keep hold of his hand. He needed someone to keep him upright and to support him before he crumbled again like before. He needed someone strong to never let him go back there. He desperately wanted to fight to keep himself in the place he'd created, as the person he'd learned to be.
"That's amazing Thornton," Thomas spoke, his arm pulling tighter, "but you need to stop this right now. You need to stop letting them do this to you. I've been there, I know how it feels, you know I do but you're nearly there. You're only a couple of years off eighteen and you don't need to answer to them then. In the meantime, you do what makes you happy. Ok? They can't begrudge you happiness and if they try, you stop them. Do what you did before. Fight."
Blaine cried then. He didn't let it show. He simply caved into Thomas's chest and rested there, his eyes pressed into the warm cashmere, darkening the material and watching it seep through. Thomas didn't speak anymore, he didn't need to, but instead he rubbed relaxing patterns on Blaine's shoulders. He was there. It was enough.
-.-.-.-.-.-
Kurt threw his satchel across the room and lifted Pavarotti down from his desk where the porter had left him. His eyes were damp and a single lock of hair fell in his eyes. He didn't move it.
He reached out and pushed the tiny swing he'd bought the bird for Christmas. Pavi tweeted, hopping to Kurt's finger and letting his beak scrape gently over the surface. Kurt was sure tears would come but they fought under the surface, shock and devastation reigning control over him now.
"He couldn't look at me Pavi. He looked away and didn't mean it. Maybe he freaked out and realised he was wrong. Maybe he doesn't want anything serious. Maybe he's just not ready to take on someone like me. Maybe he doesn't want to be seen in front of other Warblers. I don't know what happened but he said something really sweet Pavi and I felt like my heart was going to burst then he just shut off. He went cold and I... I can't stand to see him like that. It's not Blaine. He's always so... he's..."
Kurt sighed, his eyes brimming with moisture. He wiped them, telling himself to stop being so dramatic. Blaine hadn't made him any promises and certainly hadn't declared they were boyfriends or anything. He'd been impossibly sweet and wonderful, he'd given him a mind-blowing first kiss and he'd been so thoughtful and romantic but there was nothing concrete there to pin point a justification for Kurt giving him his heart. He was ready to, despite his fears and trepidation, he was so desperate to be loved by someone and to love them back but it was as if a neon flashing sign hung above his head declaring reality. He'd been so stupid and idealistic to think that he could come back to Dalton and possibly have his first real 'first date', hold someone's hand for the first time, share more spine-tingling kisses, have someone to wish goodnight and to experience an actual relationship. He was stupid, so misguided and stupid.
"Hey Kurt?"
He looked up to see David at his door. David was sweet, Kurt found him endearingly dorky and his relationship with Wes utterly charming, if a little weird, but he wasn't one to come and visit alone.
"Come in," Kurt urged, wiping his eyes furiously as he turned his head, "to what do I owe the pleasure, David?" He tried to channel his inner confidence and act as normal as possible.
"Well," the other boy began, a little awkwardly, "I didn't know if Blaine had told you about the Showcase?" Kurt's face said it all, he had no idea. David continued. "Oh right, nobody has. Well, it's kind of a big deal for us Warblers. Our parents come and the entire faculty and teaching staff attend as well as the governors and those who fund us. It's a showcase of the talent in Dalton and is our opportunity to represent the Academy to depict the talent a school like ours can offer and achieve."
Kurt could hear the geek in David take hold. He was a walking pamphlet. "By Warblers, does this mean me too?"
David nodded with a hint of a smile. "Yes, it does. We know you gave it a go last time but we wanted to know if you'd like to take a solo spot. It's not Regionals or anything so it's a little more relaxed. You choose your own number and we can even help you put together an arrangement or find accompaniment as the school bands play too. There's story and poetry reading, dramatic performances, exhibitions and sports on show too. It's usually a great day and I guess you could see it as another opportunity to show us what you can do."
Kurt's eyes were wide, taking everything in. "When do I have to finalise my solo?"
He watched as David's eyes evaded his own. "Ah that's almost the problem, the showcase is tomorrow evening. It usually falls on the second week back but Principal Masters has been in meetings all day with governors and bodies who fund this school. Money is tight and it's important apparently that something is done sooner rather than later. The Showcase is a big deal to really prove the worth of Dalton to young men and he has brought the date forward. It may mean a few parents can't attend but most are always willing to try their best to get here. It's a nice chance for us to show off a bit."
Kurt bit his lip. He knew his father and Carole wouldn't be able to attend at such short notice but wondered if anyone would be able to cheer him on. He wanted the ability to prove himself and had intended to blow The Warblers away in the new year anyway. This was an opportunity being laid at his feet which was ideal for exactly that. His mind wandered to Blaine, reminding him again of his being upset. He wondered why Blaine hadn't said anything. It was all becoming very apparent that maybe he didn't know Blaine was well as he thought he did.
"I'm in," Kurt stated, shuddering slightly at the enormity of his decision. He wanted Blaine so much. He wanted to practise with him, to get excited with him and share their talents but he felt the fear slide back in, tugging at his chest and telling him how unlikely that would be now.
David beamed back at him, hopping, as usual, on the balls of his feet. "Great, oh that's amazing. I'll let the rest of The Warblers know that you're on board. We have a rehearsal tomorrow lunchtime. I'm afraid you'll have to act quickly as many of us have been for a few days now and have started to finalise our numbers but we know you'll be able to pull it off." With that, David nodded, seeming to reassure himself he'd done his duty, and exited.
Kurt felt ill. He nodded stiffly and forced a smile. Had had twenty four hours to find a song, learn it, recite it to memory and to make it good- more than good. He had to find a musician or the appropriate music to act as backing. A certain person came to mind.
He located his phone and took a deep breath, steadying his nerves and wiping his unruly damp eyes.
"Kurt!" came the high-pitched voice on the other end.
"Hi Rachel, I'm sorry to call out of the blue."
She gasped on the other end of the line. "Oh no, I'm in the ladies room practising. Mr Schue gave us a task to deliver a solo to show our hopes for the new year. I have a perfect number already in my arsenal so I am revising it alone."
Kurt's heart hurt for her. He got it. She was usually alone and fiercely sure of her own talent even though she rarely got the recognition she so genuinely deserved. "I wondered if you could help me. I have another solo for-"
"Regionals? Is this for Regionals?"
"No, it's nothing competitive. I wouldn't tell you if it was," he joked and smiled as she laughed shrilly through the line, "it's actually for a Showcase of talent. I just have twenty four hours and my day has been less than pleasant so I wondered if you'd maybe be able to-"
"I can definitely help Kurt. We need to discuss your emotional intentions and what you want this song to say."
He closed his eyes, shaking his head. She was highly nauseating but somehow she spoke his language and was one of the only people he'd ever met who really understood him. He wasn't all that sure what he'd be like without her in his life- she was tedious to let in but it was almost painful to let her go. He felt for Finn, he really did.
"Ok," he agreed, "is it ok to call you later?"
"Certainly. We'll talk ideas then."
They hung up; Kurt's heart felt a little lighter. He surveyed his room and knew its emptiness and the cold and damp air was not going to help his mood. He began by unpacking and making up his bed. It took an hour and a half to return it to its previous state as Kurt had thrown himself into the decorating in an attempt to clear his mind or push out the niggling feeling that proved only capable of making him want to cry.
As he dug in his bag for his iPod, his fingers brushed velvet. He lost his fight at that point. He pulled out the small box and teased it open, feeling his eyes water and stomach churn. With a shaking hand he threaded the crystal with string and glanced towards his window where Blaine had hung his mother's clear set in a gradient. He began to cry, his knuckles white as he clung to the cool glass in his hand in the hope that he could channel strength from somewhere- from her. He wished someone was near so he could reach out and just ask for a cuddle or for them to only listen. The desk chair didn't take much moving in order for him to balance on it and loop the string around his curtain pole. He could barely see for the tears pooling along his eyelashes and running down his cheeks in hot tracks.
Climbing down and watching as the dusky light hit the blue nuances, glittering patterns across the curtains, he knew he couldn't bear feeling so confused and clueless in relation to matters of the heart. It always happened. It was as if the world conspired to make him fall for the wrong people- but Blaine wasn't wrong. He was perfect and wonderful. He had also stared at him blankly and looked away in... disgust? regret? disappointment? Whatever feeling it was, Kurt was sure that Blaine was having second thoughts.
Pavarotti tweeted loudly then, hopping wildly around his cage. Kurt turned to see him pecking furiously at his newly hung millet. He tossed the shells this way and that, shaking his head and letting out the loudest squawks Kurt was sure he'd ever made. He seemed frustrated.
With a glance back at his crystal spinning on its string, Kurt took a long slow breath and decided to take control. Over a week ago he'd been so sure that he was ready to fall head over heels in love, over a week ago he'd been pressed so wonderfully close to Blaine and could feel his heartbeat echo through is own body, over a week ago he'd been sure he'd return to Dalton and have an actual real life boyfriend. He'd been happy and now, standing watching Pavi fluff his feathers roughly feeling his tears run off his chin and onto his shirt, he had to find out what the hell went so wrong.
He pulled off his blazer and tossed it on his bed. His fingers were cold, his legs shook and he swallowed his nerves thickly. It was going to hurt like hell but, like a band aid, he would end it now. He wasn't going to endure the unknown anymore. He'd had enough of feeling so unhinged and desperately clinging to any strength he had left.
As he made his way to Blaine's room, he could see the thin glowing strip of light to the side of his door that signalled he was still awake and inside. Kurt felt his head reel. Breathing was difficult was he stepped closer. He was stopped in his tracks by a voice inside that was inherently not Blaine.
"He wouldn't take you out of Dalton, he couldn't Blaine. This is where you belong now."
"He could. You know he could."
Kurt's hand flew to his mouth to stop any inevitable noise that threatened his lips. Blaine's words were choked and unsure. It was as if he'd been crying as each word was followed by a sniff. He felt his heart speed up, unsure if it was a conversation he should be listening in on but realising he didn't care. If Blaine was in trouble, he wanted to help. He peeked at the corner of the door, a figure coming into his line of vision that, with a slight gasp, Kurt realised was Thomas. He was leaning against the wall beside Blaine's bed. Kurt stood on his tip toes, his chest washing with nerves of being caught, and had to swallow a sob as Blaine lay against Thomas' chest. Kurt could see his eyes were a little red and noticed his demeanour- he was submissive and looked almost child-like curled against Thomas' wide shoulders and strong arms. Kurt remained still, aching to crawl up beside Blaine and hug him tight.
"There are things that could be done Blaine. We know that. It's been a long time and you don't know how they could have changed. We know he didn't like the idea of you making your sexuality known but he can't choose for you."
"He did though. I can't remain here if he knows that people know I'm gay, let alone that I'm acting on it. You know the way he treated you."
Kurt watched as Thomas tugged Blaine to him, his nose burying in Blaine's curls lovingly. "I know. He hates me. I couldn't care less Thornton. He's scared and ignorant. He was so sure I subverted his little boy's future and made you ... how did he put it?"
"Forget I was a man."
Kurt cried silent and hard. He couldn't believe what he was witnessing. It was as if he was watching a movie play out on a screen not in real-life. Blaine was so unwavering and solid, he was tactile, affectionate, confident and proud – he wasn't frightened or belittled. Kurt could see the way Thomas held onto him, the way he'd rub Blaine's shoulder and tighten his grip and knew that he was interrupting a moment that was extremely personal. He felt his chest shudder horribly as tears choked their way out. Before he could turn, he heard his own name making him stop in his tracks.
"You know you can't let Kurt make up his own reasons for the way you changed suddenly. You need to explain to him or at the very least let him know that your feelings haven't changed. It's one day and it'll be over."
"He's always there reminding me though Tom."
"You're pretty damn wonderful Thornton. I've always told you that. People here love you and we're not letting you go just because your father doesn't want his precious business and family name tainted by a son who just happens to be attracted to other men. He's a coward. You're not."
Kurt watched Blaine tug at Thomas' sweater and press his face into the boy's chest. "I can't let him treat Kurt the way he treated you. I can't sit and watch that. I'll say something and fight back. It'll take a few hours and I'll be out of here. He won't let me stay, he made that very clear."
Thomas' arm wrapped itself around Blaine's waist and held tight. Kurt saw him close his eyes as his head shook in obvious anger but relaxed in order to place a strong and protective kiss into Blaine's hair. Kurt couldn't control his sobs, he felt his arms wrap around his middle and before he knew it he was running back to his room and slamming the door behind him.
Notes:
So ... I'm in love with Thomas. I fell head over heels for him and his preppy boarding school ways, his expensive cut clothing and handsome good looks. He's based on a few people I know who are in the Royal Air Force. They never call people by their first name, they're fiercely loyal and protective and are pretty damned hilarious. I hope you like him. I kinda want a cuddle from him!
You might also be able to tell that I adore Kurt + Rachel (Hummelberry also has to be the sweetest name for ANY couple ever...!) I love their 'friendship' and the way they're so similar. I can't HELP but write it!
It almost broke my heart to write this as I know someone who was in Blaine's situation and it's horrifically unfair and wrong. I know exactly where the next chapter is going and it shouldn't be too long until it's up. It's one I'm kinda looking forward to you all reading!
REALLY hope you're still all with me. You all know my brain is filled almost entirely with fluff but it's necessary for this to happen for this story and I quite like writing the more raw stuff every now and then :D
Next Time: Monica and Alexander arrive. Thomas sticks around. Kurt prepares for the Show Case with the help of Wes and David (and Ms Berry). The Show Case night arrives and things change for everyone...