After 8 chapters, I'll stop with the disclaimer. Whatever.
This title is from an Italian song by Paolo Conte, Via Con Me. It's a very beautiful, poetic lyrics, but there's just this line in English. It thinks it's worth searching it anyway. [Still wondering, there's anybody out there who actually finds some of those songs? =D]
Here's from Meredith's PoV, enjoy and review! And sorry for the bad layout...
Part 8 – It's Wonderful, Good Luck My Baby
There's a tide in the affairs of men
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.
William Shakespeare
Derek went out to call his mother and I went in the room to keep company to Amelia. She was feeding the baby when I stepped in, so I quickly closed the door to give her some privacy.
"Come on in, it's fine" she called. I re-opened the door and sat at her bedside, smiling politely, still a bit uncomfortable in this situation. We flew from Seattle I had to be alone with her for a while, right?
"Congratulations" I was only able to utter, mesmerized by the baby.
"I just named your husband godfather, do you mind?" she smiled widelt
"No, even if addressing him as my husband is still weird" she giggled with me.
"Look, when it's too uncomfortable you can go, I won't mind. Mom called for Christmas and she told me what happened to you and Derek. I'm so sorry..."
"We're working on that, don't worry, I wanted to be here"
It didn't felt much weirder than expected, just the pressing need to have my baby pinching my heart
"That's exactly what Derek said"
"How is he?" I asked cautiously. Last time with Dylan was hard on him
"Over the moon. What about you?"
"I just keep worrying about him, it's kind of annoying" I chuckled
"No, you just care. It's sweet" I smiled, catching a hint of sadness in her voice. I knew that feeling she had. I lived with it almost my entire life.
"Can I hold him?" I tried to move away the conversation
"Here you go. So, Robert Derek, this is your Aunt Meredith" she said, giving me the baby as I stood up and picked him.
"Now I know why he was over the moon" I laughed, gently patting him on the back, a little ache in my chest just at the thought of my own baby who could have been growing happy and healthy into me.
"Derek told me you're following his footsteps" not knowing each other too well, surgery was a safe topic
"Oh, I loved Neuro way before I loved him. He's just jealous" I smirked. He was proud instead, I could tell watching his eyes twinkle every time we are in the OR together.
"And your mother was Ellis Grey" she sighed. It was hard not to notice at some point
"Upsides and downsides of it?" everybody always wanted it, but I actually had only a few things to say, often not pleasants
"Not just upsides?" she smiled
"Not at all, believe me. My dad left when I was 5 and she raised me alone. Actually, nannies raised me, but that's a whole different story"
"I'm sorry, that bad?" her face concerned, worry lines wrinkling her forehead
"She just didn't care" I sighed" "I beg you to care about this little man. You're a wise woman and you made a decision keeping him. You have to make this decision every morning, when you wake up, to gave Robert the best life out of a mess, no offense intended" Robert story was going to be completely different than mine even without my advices, I knew how Derek had been raised, but I just wanted to remember Amelia.
"None taken. It's a real mess"
"We have an awful job, I know, but try to be there for holidays, school plays, birthdays, stuff like that. Go home and hug him, leaving work stuff for the time when he's asleep and play with him instead. Just be there"
"Your mother never did that" it was a statement for her, more than just a question. Robert was peaceful in my arms as I looked down and he was closing his eyes.
"No she didn't" I answered quietly. It was water under the thing, or whatever...
Silence fell quietly between us, then, as the baby was fully asleep, I gave him back to Amelia, kissing the top of his head first.
"Our offer for a place in Seattle is still valid, if you need anything. I'm sure Derek wouldn't mind a little bit of competition in his department and I'll be soon spoiled with cool surgeries" she laughed with me, both careful not to wake Robert
"I think I'll move in with Addison, not to be completely alone. And Sam lives just next door. We'll be fine, but I promise I'll come visiting"
"We are just a phone call away, you know that..." I offered. "Meredith Grey does family" ringed immediately in my head
"Thank you Meredith. I know it must be hard anyway"
"It's healing, actually. It feels like family for the first time in my life since I met you and your sisters and it's great" admitting it wasn't easy, but it was true
"You've always been family as soon as I knew you made my brother happy again"
"We need each other to be happy"
"It's a great love, don't let anything ruin that"
"I'm promising you just as you promised before"
Quiet enhanced the importance of our statements, until Derek sneaked back in the room.
"Mom would have loved to be able to teleport" he grinned, trying to take off the uneasiness from his face
"That bad?" I asked concerned, Amelia frowned
"She just said: 'your sister is crazy. I'm coming over right now'"
"Oh" was only able to mumble Amelia
"Amy, babies for women are just like boobs for men: show them and you'll keep them busy" he stated, smirking
"That was bad and inappropriate, Derek" I wasn't able to keep a straight face, though.
"Meredith is right. You've never been that guy, for example" she was struggling a little not to smile as well
"Never mind. She's coming over. I think she'll be here tomorrow morning at last. Maybe around lunch"
"Good" Amelia was everything but good
"Amy, it's gonna be ok" he reassured, coming closer to her
"You think?"
"Mom has a thing for you, you're still her little girl"
She smiled, then kissed Robert's forehead. He peacefully slept through our conversation, so I decided to bring him back to the nursery, giving some time to Derek to catch up with his sister alone.
Robert was a really beautiful newborn. I stared at all those babies behind the glass, focusing on the little dude that felt like family already. Would have been this bittersweet if our boy was still resting comfortably into me?
Wondering wasn't good, but it crept suddenly in my thoughts, giving me an hard time breathing. I closed my eyes for a second, picturing what could have been like being still pregnant. I was digging my own grave. Slowly. Silently. A tear slipped out from the corner of my eyes as I opened them again. I realized my hand moved instinctually toward my empty belly, skimming the soft fabric of my cotton v-neck. We could have been almost ready, my due date would have been close. I glanced back at Robert, hoping to have a boy like him soon. Our boy. Or our girl, it really didn't mattered.
Images of the green yard of our new home flashed in my head, filled with laughs and giggles, bare feet running on the fresh grass wildly, then Derek, sitting on an armchair or a hammock, a relaxed, joyful grin stretched on his beautiful features. He looked happy. I was daydreaming, in front of a row of new lives, just perfect. I shut my eyelids again, shading the light and coming back to my dream, giggles filling my mind again. My gaze lowered on my belly, finding it surprisingly full, my hands gently resting at the top of it.
I drifted back to reality when I felt a soft pressure on my shoulder. It wasn't Derek, luckily. I wanted him to be happy, not worried for even a second. I kept my gaze low, finding my hands still draped over my stomach without my permission, touching emptiness, all the fullness gone. The pressure over my shoulder became a squeeze and I had to finally open my eyes and sweep away the tears on my cheeks. I looked up and I surprisingly found Addison staring back, holding a compassionate smile.
"Robert is a beautiful little boy" I tried to spell, my voice coming out broke and furry, filled with memories of my daydream.
"Is everything all right?" she asked warmly
"Yeah, just having a moment"
"I'm heading down for a coffee, want to come with?"
"It may be good, yeah" I accepted
We walked in silence to the cafeteria. Voices in an undistinguished buzz filled the space between us. It was almost comfortable in its oddness. She was Derek's ex-wife, after all.
"Are you ok being around OB all the time? I can ask Sam to fill you in a surgery, if you want to"
"I'm taking it as a vacation, I have no intention to cut." I smiled "We'll be back in Seattle in a blink of an eye anyway"
My thoughts traveled to the vivid memories of our new home, giggles still humming in my head.
"How is it going up there?" her allusion to my breakdown was crystal clear
"It hasn't been like today for a while. It's just..."
"Hard. I know the feeling"
Her face darkened a little and I immediately realized I touched a soft spot
"Oh God, I'm sorry. That's why you and Derek never had kids..." It sounded odd the moment I spoke, immediately trying to fix my big slip. She smiled softly in response, slightly shaking her head.
"No, not at all" I sighed in relief. I couldn't put him in that position again, he wants kids so badly "I just know that due dates can suck sometimes"
I remained quiet while she traveled through her own memories and back. I didn't bothered to tell her that I would have been due most likely the following month
"After Derek left, I lived with Mark for a couple of months, did you know that?"
"I think I heard something around, from Derek or from gossips I can't remember" I tried to lighten up the uneasiness. She smiled briefly.
"I got pregnant." she looked away for a moment, giving me time to put pieces together "I was in Seattle for my due date and everything seemed to swirl around and Mark was there, Derek was next to me but with you and, in a second, I realized I made the worst mistake of my life." she shut me gently with her hand before I could say anything "You know I don't blame you for the end of my marriage, it was just me and laziness, but at that certain moment of the year, the idea of being on my own two feet cuddling a baby still creeps in my mind. It fades away, with time"
"I'm so sorry. You know that I've never meant to be in the middle of a marriage, right? I just didn't know, and..." she cut me off before I could start rambling
"I am sorry. I showed up like a wicked witch, ruining something beautiful. I couldn't embrace the thought that Derek was way better off me, with you"
"You had the right to pick up your pieces. Try to, at least. I'd do the same"
"You will never need to" she admitted
"I know. He stayed anyway, even if he never knew about the baby in the first place, before it was gone. But he stuck around...It's been 8 months from the shooting..." my voice cracked. Coming back to that day still hurt.
"I think everything you two went through, me in the picture too, just made you stronger. It's cliché and all, but you two together can light up a room. I could see it even when I came to Seattle, I just couldn't realize that I've never had something like that with Derek. I was jealous of you, not the traditional way, I was jealous that you practically held his heart in your hands, something I've never done"
"I was in a bad place when he arrived, I just leaned to him and everything stopped swirling"
"Yeah, he's this kind of man. It's what four sisters did good to him" we laughed together, easing the atmosphere.
"For your valid medical opinion, just forget about all that happened, if I was your patient..." I lowered my voice, somehow afraid to ask
"It's ok, you can ask anything"
"How likely am I to miscarry again?"
She breathed heavily, before answering, collecting her thoughts for a moment.
"It depends on lots of things. Mostly on when and how it happened, then your health, which I don't think is our main concern...Broadly speaking, I have to know what happened to really judge, but..."
"It was during the shooting. After Derek got shot, I felt some cramps. I should knew better..." I fidgeted with my cup of coffee "I just..."
"You didn't do anything wrong. It was a miracle just the two of you survive all of it. You certainly have many opportunities to have other babies...I can do some tests and mail you the results if you want to be sure everything's fine, but I know you will have your moment. And I will be more than happy for you"
Her phone rang, interrupting our conversation, she stood up, smiling. She had to take that, I wasn't the one who could keep her here talking instead of saving someone's life.
"It was nice talking to you Addison, thank you."
"You're welcome. Looking forward to another chat..." she smiled, before rushing away. I swayed my empty cup of coffee, staring blankly, my mind going back to the day of the shooting. Derek's words "If something bad happens to me, I don't want you to be alone" banging in my head every single moment, when his blood soaked my shaky hands. And in that moment, I prayed him not to die, even if I wasn't alone anymore. We couldn't be alone. Then the cramp, like a punch to my guts, telling me that nothing ever goes as planned.
My phone ringed too, pulling me out of painful memories. Never happier to see Derek's name on the screen.
"Where are you?" his soft, happy voice calmed my mind, wrapping around hard thoughts and soothing my worries.
"I'm in the cafeteria, I was having coffee with Addison, she had just been paged"
"Bonding with the devil!" he laughed. He seemed genuinely happy.
"She's nice"
"I know" he chuckled "I'm going out to dinner with you tonight"
"Why I had never been informed?" I playfully played his game. He always knew how to make me smile, even just talking to the phone.
"You have now. I know you didn't packed dresses, I didn't expect you to"
"Who said I wouldn't?"
"You have?" I could see his eyes twinkle even if he was just on the phone
"Nope, just teasing you. Where are we going?"
"Amy suggested it, it's close to her place. She just gave me her keys, we're gonna sleep there"
"It's not too much?"
"It's what family does" he could be smirking, at the other end.
"Okay, I'll meet you in the lobby"
"Perfect, see you later"
"I love you, Derek" I needed to tell him
"I know, love you too" he hung up, leaving me with a smile on my face.
AN: Meredith had a moment, I know she looks all whole and healed, but I think someone needs time to recover from something like that. Lots of it. I just added Addison to shuffle my cards and because I like her. I didn't liked her ad the wife, not at all, but as Addie is a pretty great character.
We're gonna be in LA for some more chapters and I hope it won't be annoying. I really liked writing this, though. Next one will be fun.
About Mama Shep, she'll arrive soon, don't worry. And as long as I'm giving away spoilers and people keep asking about the McBaby, I just tell you to be patients.
Well, I managed close updates, but don't get used to it!