This was the first chapter I have actually written for this story. Well, they were two shorter chapters, which happened to became a long one tonight. It was going to be entitled 'I Love The Rain The Most When It Stops', the title of the first part, but then I changed it to the actual title because it was more poignant for my likings. It's a line from You're All I Have, by Snow Patrol, a band that happens to be one of Shonda's favorites because I heard at least one of their songs in each season, especially in the first two-three.
Everything began around this idea, so this is a particularly dear chapter to me, even if you'll love better the next update. That will be so good...This and the next one will be around Meredith much, so we'll remain in her head a little longer, I hope you won't mind.
Okay, I bored your guts enough. Enjoy and review!
Part 10 – Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Grownups never understand anything for themselves,
and it is tiresome for children to be always explaining things to them
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
April was gloriously showing off the first blossoms on the trees siding Seattle Grace. I was walking hand in hand with Derek, waiting the surgical rush to swallow us and our slow pace. It was a pleasant morning and we were about to start our shifts. It felt so good to hold his hand.
"It feels like a year we've left this place and is only yesterday" I admitted
His wide smile agreed. From our comeback, being home together seemed like being in LA again. Every single time. I could see sparkles in his eyes every time I mentioned LA, even if almost a month had gone by. He had the most beautiful eyes today.
"Will you be home tonight?" I asked in a soft voice, stroking the back of his hand with my thumb.
"Not for dinner, I have paperwork to catch up with..."
"I can wait for you, if you want to"
"It's better if you go to bed early, we had pretty stressful days lately" he winked, reminding me that we haven't slept that much in the past weeks, the baby-making project still hanging loosely over our shoulders.
"Can you wake me up when you come back? I want to kiss you goodnight"
"It's been more than 30 years that someone kisses me goodnight" he smiled. I know we were completely different people from the ones that met back at Joe's, but we still loved each other. More than ever. "I wanna kiss you goodnight too" he added with a sincere smile.
I grinned wryly, then we divided after our ride in the elevator, both ready to work, but a small part of us unable to broke that deep eye contact we made from the first moment we woke up. That was going to be a long day.
Around the corner, I met Cristina.
"Thank God you're here, Mer. Your interns are idiots."
"Believe me, I know that" I pointlessly looked behind my back, hoping to still have Derek there, somehow looking after me. I felt a little sick in my stomach, but then my mind flew back at that midnight swim in the Pacific and it felt better, complete, still sensing the soft touch of his hands on my bare body.
"You and McDreamy just had sex"
"And?" I couldn't say out loud that we were having a good time since we came back from our short vacation. A really good time.
"It's so obvious. Take that I-see-him-naked-every-night look away from your face or someone will stab you" I laughed. I loved her sarcastic jokes.
"Have you seen a bit of LA or just your bedroom last month?" she added, playfully
"We were there for his sister. Besides, you don't need a bed when you are a good swimmer" I winked and I moved away from the counter with my charts for the day.
I took back my intern with an intimidating look and they followed me to the clinic. Cristina hovered behind me, whispering in my ear "No way! You had sex in the ocean? In Los Angeles? And you haven't told me yet?"
I nodded.
"You could get arrested for that"
"He liked jail. Besides, who walks on the beach at midnight in March?" I answered, matter-of-factly
"You two guys are dirty"
"And you're jealous"
I outrun her and I rushed to the clinic, where a stretcher with a toddler welcomed me. He had a nasty cut on the left side of his blond-haired head.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Grey"
"Mrs. Kenner, this is Jason, but he likes to be called Jay." the young woman greeted me. She was blond too, but her eyes weren't as blue as the kid's
Big tears were streaming out on his cheeks, while his mother was rubbing his back gently. He was a really beautiful little guy.
"Okay Jay, let me take a look"
"No." he folded his chubby arms on his chest, looking a lot older than how he actually was.
"Please, I can make it better, it won't hurt if I can take a look"
"No"
"Jay, let this nice doctor take a look at your head" his mother came in to rescue me, but her effort failed miserably
"No. I wanna home" his eyes fell close for a moment, tired from the already long day and all the attempts to push us away.
"You'll get home soon if you can let me take a look" I smiled widely, but he shook his head, pouting. I decided to give him some more time.
"Mrs. Kenner, how did that happened?"
"He was spinning around the coffee table and he fell on it and he can't move his left feet since then. I know is wrong and he shouldn't spin like that, but..." tears came in her eyes too.
"We're gonna fix that."
"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. My husband is in Portland for work, should I call him?"
"I'll get you a phone if you need it. I'm going to put some stitches and run a couple more tests, ok?"
"See Jay, everything's gonna be fine" his eyes close for a moment, then he fell asleep as her mother lifted him on her lap.
"Travis page Shepherd and someone in Paeds, I also need a clear CT" I told to my intern. "Mrs. Kenner I'm gonna take care of him, ok?"
"Just make him better, he's my little boy, he's barely three" I heard her sighs moving him to the CT. He opened his eyes again just before going in, and his curious look flickered around.
"Where me?"
"Jay, you remember me? I'm Dr. Grey. Meredith."
"Where my Mommy?"
"I promise it's gonna be ok, all right? Can you lie down there for me please?"
"I want my Mommy" his eyes filled with tears
"Jay, do you like space ships?" I was running out of ideas
"Yeah" an happy face materialized
"You wanna go into one?"
"And go to the moon?" his eyes widened just at the thought
"Maybe. But this is even better" I smirked, testing his curiosity
"Better than moon?"
"Oh, yes. We can see in your head with this space ship"
"Wow" He was surprised as only kids could.
"Ok, come here" I lifted him up under his armpits and I put him on the stretcher.
"Mommy stay here?" he asked again
"She's on her way" I turned back and I mouthed to my intern Travis to bring her here.
"Ready to go in? You have to stay super-still, ok?"
"We wait Mommy" he looked at me with his big eyes, and I melted even before he added "Please" in his sweet pitch.
"Ok, wait with this nice doctor here, I'll be back in a second"
He smiled, when I walked to tell the technician to wait a little more. Derek was already in the room to see the results and he just smiled, looking at me.
"We are waiting his mom, don't worry" he said, grinning.
"I go back, you'll show me the results later"
Derek's eyes followed me back in. Jay's face relaxed as he saw me again.
"Was this guy nice?" I asked, smiling too. He nodded happily.
"I walk in the pace-chip?"
"You can't. It's too small and you have to stay really really still"
"Why?"
"We have to take pictures, and you know how it goes when you move around when there's a camera, the photo comes out blurred"
"Oh" he sighed. "This a big pace-chip-camera?"
"Yeah. Very special place..." I ressured. The kids' fantasy never ceased to surprise me.
"Mommy!" he squealed, peeking above my shoulder. Mrs. Kenner came in the room.
"Are you ready, astronaut?" I said, while his mother kissed his forehead and laid him down.
"Yes!" all his worries gone at the sight of his mother
"I'm going out to take your pictures, your mom is staying here, okay? If you get scared just push this button, I'll be right outside, alright?" he nodded, then I pushed him in and I glanced at his mother, not less worried than before, then I went back to Derek. He reached with his arm around my hip right after I came in and smiled widely, craving closeness.
"What?"
"Nothing. You're doing great with Jason" he stared quietly at me for a couple of long seconds.
"He's a very likable boy"
He kissed my head. I knew he was wondering, because I had the same sensation too. When the images came up and we saw a small, active bleeding, I wish I didn't got too attached to that boy already. Telling the mother he had to undergo surgery was heartbreaking, especially after telling her he would have been awake through the whole surgery.
"Mrs. Kenner, is a minimal invasive procedure" Derek told her
"I wanna be there" she pleaded, her eyes full of tears
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, we can't let you in there. I'll stay with him" I told her, without even thinking.
"I..."
"It's gonna save his life. I'll hold his hand through the whole thing" I offered
"Dr. Grey"
"I promise Mrs. Kenner"
She softened, before expected tears flowed out and she signed the papers.
I regretted my promise right after I made it.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
"Hey Jay" I greeted him in the OR
"Hi Meredith"
"You remember my name?"
"You got me in the pace-chip!" he said, almost excited. I saw Derek in the scrubbing room, washing his hands
"Hi Jay" Derek walked in the room in a few moments.
"Who him?" Jay asked, not recognizing Derek's scrubbed in form.
"This is Dr. Shepherd, he is going to fix your head"
"Are you scared Jay?" he asked him, keeping his genuine grin on his face
"Is this cool as the pace-ship?"
"Maybe. You just have to do what we ask you and answer our questions, ok?"
"What your name Dr. Sheped?"
"Derek. Are you ready?" his gaze was steady, focused, unwavering.
"Mommy?" Jay asked one last time, his hope still vivid.
"She can't be here"
"You stay Meredith?" he was about to cry again
"Of course I'm staying. Do you want me to hold your hand?"
"Big boys don't hold hands" he spoke fiercely, maybe imitating his father, but his shimmering eyes betrayed him.
"It's ok to hold my hand now". He moved his chubby little hand toward mine and I grabbed it.
Meanwhile, Derek started the procedure.
"Why you wear this?" Jay asked, brushing my hand to feel the rubber of my glove
"We wear gloves and gowns to have everything here perfectly clean and safe. Just the same reason why we wear those masks"
"It's funny"
"Yeah. Do you want me to take them off?"
"Like it. Like here, like pace-chip"
"You wanna be an astronaut, am I right?" asked Derek then, changing instrument
"I wanna be a dottor in a pace-chip"
Everyone in the room smiled. 'Keep him talking' mimicked Derek
"Why?"
"I wanna go to the pace, but dottor fix owies"
"That's a good point. What else you like to do?" he wasn't holding my hand anymore as I spoke, too engaged in the conversation to remind of being scared
"Basketball! Daddy tell me I play well"
"Really?" Derek took the lead in the talk "What's your favorite team?"
"Raptors!" he proudly squealed
"Why?" I asked, not even knowing who those guys were
"The dinosaur at every game" he answered matter-of-factly
"You like dinosaurs?"
"Yes. And dogs." his smile was wide
"Do you have a dog?"
"No. Home too small, Mommy said" his face was sad again
"I had a dog, once" I tried his curiosity again
"What name?"
"Doc"
"What happen him?" he realized that Doc was gone for good even before I could say it
"He was very old and sick"
"Oh. Sorry. My friend Tom had old dog too"
"You like to play with Tom?"
"Yeah. We run fast fast fast and we hide in the garden"
"Sounds so much fun" I smiled. It looked like the best game in the world for Jay
"You try"
"Maybe you can tell me the rules, I've never played..." fact alone who wasn't entirely made up.
"You count numbers no looking, kids hide and you find"
"And you have to run fast, right?" asked Derek, intruding in our conversation
"Yes. You know game too?" he seemed surprised
"Yeah, I loved to play with my sisters in my backyard" he admitted his weakness for hide-and-seek
"I no sister. A brother. Big. He away to study" His thoughts surely drifted to him as he stopped talking.
"Do you miss him?" I asked
"Sometimes."
"What's his name?"
"Luke. You brother?"
"I've got one sister, Lexie" I still couldn't brace myself to call Molly sister and this wasn't the time or the place to explain my issues. Especially to a kid.
"You?" he asked to Derek.
"Four sisters" a smirk played on his lips, even covered by the mask
"Four?" he shrieked
"Yeah"
"No brother?"
"Not even one" he chuckled
"Wow"
"I'm impressed too" They both laughed. "Buddy, we're almost done here"
"Was cool"
"Yeah, it was" I said, glancing to Derek, who was still smiling.
I scrubbed out a little before Derek, to bring Jason back to his bed, but he was able to join me when I was almost done.
"He's such a figure." he stated, glancing at me for a second, smiling
"I got you an interesting case today, Dr. Shepherd"
"Thank you Dr. Grey" he kissed softly my lips and I brushed his cheek with the tip of my fingers
"I'm going home, are you coming?" I said, standing at the door right before leaving
"I told you this morning"
"Right, sorry. Too much talking with toddlers today" I grinned and he smiled back
"I still kiss you goodnight"
"Good" he leaned closer and kissed me again before I walked out.
Mrs. Kenner was the picture of happiness as Jason greeted her with a smile and told her it was actually a good time for him in the OR. She even hugged me and I let her, despite anything told me not to. I promised Jay to be back in the morning and he waived me goodbye.
I went home with a smile and I watched some old tapes waiting for Derek, relaxing on the couch. He was running late again, tied up in the OR and I was waiting for him to have dinner, as long as I wasn't hungry. I felt some cramps, not from hungry or as a normal stomachache, but something else that I was sure I already felt. Maybe was something like the hangover thing without drinking, a new PMS symptom. Something new always came up with my period. Maybe it was Jay. My period.
My mind flew back to the hospital and Jay's happy face. He was moving again his foot and loved the moment when I told him he could walk around the hospital holding my hand as Derek prescribed. Then something in my mind changed and hit hard my guts: it wasn't Jay holding my hand but a boy of similar age with dark hair and deep blue eyes. Just like Derek's. And I couldn't breathe anymore. I curled on the couch in a ball clutching tightly a pillow. Tears streamed down my face and my thoughts kept on walking in that aisle, walking with that chubby little hand and I could even hear a giggle in my head. Big, burning tears. I kept on sitting there, staring blankly, lost in my painful thoughts. A moment just like the one I had in Los Angeles. And I was going to have my period this month too!
"Meredith" I heard Derek's distant and concerned voice. If he was coming in my dream too, tears wouldn't be enough. Then I felt his touch on my shoulder and his weight fill the couch next to me. He was really there. I opened my eyes and I saw his blurred, worried face.
"What's wrong? Are you ok? Why you left earlier?"
His questions came in my ear too close one after the other. I wanted to answer, but my voice was stuck in my throat, so I just shook my head, wrapped my arms around him and lifted my body over his, leaving my face on his chest, spotting his v-neck with tears. His hug slowly soothed me, especially the circles he draw on my back.
"Sorry. I'm fine" I sobbed, when tears were almost gone.
"Why you left?" I know he wasn't convinced at all
"I was tired, so I thought it was better to wait you home"
"Are you ok now?"
"Yeah." I thought about my condition, then I corrected myself "Not really"
"What's wrong?" he asked again a little concerned
"Jay" I said, my voice cracking on every other word
"He's doing fine"
"I know. It's just...I was wondering..."
"What if we'd have had a boy like him." an endless, grieving pause, then he said again "I'm wondering too..."
I wiped away some tears with the back of my hand. Silence broke in our no-more conversation, while Derek was still stroking my back and my arms were tightly wrapped around his waist.
"I'm not feeling really good" I admitted, my face still nuzzled on his chest
"Wanna go to bed?"
I nodded and he helped me up, walking hand in hand to the bedroom.
"Do you want me to get you something? Run you a warm bath?" he whispered softly, spooning me in his strong arms, my back closely flushed to his chest.
"No, thanks, it might be just some PMS" another single tear rolled out of my eyes
"Oh" Next month we'll have our miracle.
His caress found my shoulder and gently moved down to my hips, then he stopped his steady hand over my abdomen, before rubbing small circles with his thumb.
"I'm sorry" I whispered in a small voice
"Next month" his disappointment palpable, but filled with hope.
He rubbed and rubbed and rubbed, until my eyelids closed and I was hoping for next month with him.
AN: I know, the AN above was boring, I should just skip this final one, I just can't help it.
Okay, my medical knowledge is crappy, but you already know that, right? I completely invented every procedure, just for the fiction, you doctors reading (or students who actually know this stuff) won't mind that, I hope. And also my childlike language is completely made up, as long as I don't know any English-speaking kid and I'm from Italy. You can mail me suggestions and corrections, I'll gladly replace the chapter when I'll find some time.
I used weird slashes to separate the two original chapters, as I hadn't any other idea of how to. I can't gat a hang on this layout thing, yet.
Wait for the next chapter, you'll like it!